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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

DD accused partner - not knowing how to handle it

86 replies

freerangechick99 · 21/05/2015 19:58

DD accused my partner of hurting her. Ex h deducted partner caused the bruises. I was in the room at the time and can confirm that DP stopped DD helping herself to extra food by holding her arms in a non forceful way. DD was angry because I had told her off just before and told her to go to her bedroom. After interrogating DD police concluded that DP had used restraint and there is no case of DD being hurt.
ExH has escalated this, threatened a law suit to stop me having contact with DCs. I have warned DP that ExH is manipulative and to be extra vigilant with the DCs has he would use any incident and escalate it, to make DP or me look like a bad person. He clearly escalated and twisted what DD said.
I was in the room and saw everything. I know that DP would not hurt a fly. Unfortunately I know that whoever the partner would be ExH would make issues and try to break us up or stop us moving in together. I left a controlling relationship but he is sadly still controlling me and now my dd.

I am angry against DD for raising to the game. I know she is feeling jealous of DP despite me trying to reassure her that she is very special to me. She is not happy about me having a new partner.
I want to avoid to say something like, 'I know you were lying' or I saw that DP did not hurt you'.
I am feeling sad and angry. I love DP so much and my DD too. I do not want to have to choose between them.
I have told DP to stay away.
I want DD to trust in the police and social services in case someone would do something to her.
How can I breach the subject with DD?

OP posts:

Report

reddaisy · 21/05/2015 21:30

Have you asked her? What we have here is a bruised 10 year old girl who isn't allowed to help herself to food without being physically stopped. Start talking to her.

Whatamayday · 21/05/2015 21:30

I don't think your new partner should be 'using restraint' against your child.

How long have you been with him?

rootypig · 21/05/2015 21:30

You seem oddly uninterested in the provenance of the bruises.

Romeyroo · 21/05/2015 21:30

I am not getting why you are defending the man who lifted his hands to restrain a 10 year old who was getting food; and not believing the 10 year old when she said it hurt, bruises or no bruises. If a child is touched in a way that causes distress, why is expressing that seen to be a lie?

Honestly, I would keep both men at a distance and focus on yourself and DC. DP has vastly overstepped here in an inappropriate way and if the situation is so tense, it won't get better.

freerangechick99 · 21/05/2015 21:31

I will have my dd version this weekend

OP posts:

Whatamayday · 21/05/2015 21:33

I had a partner for a year after my divorce and I would not have been happy if he had touched my dc in any way. And for all his faults, he wouldn't have. So yes I would be worried about how this situation even arose and I am confused about the unexplained bruises.

BertrandRussell · 21/05/2015 21:34

Why didn't you ask as soon as you saw them? What did she say when the police asked her?

Tequilashotsfor1 · 21/05/2015 21:34

He shouldn't have out his hands on her.

I don't blame your ex

DrLego · 21/05/2015 21:38

restrained for getting food doesn't sound great. I have restrained DC before when running into traffic I have had to hold DS arm and it has caused a bruise but it was a case of me do that or him run into an oncoming bus - I wouldn't ever rationalise restraint unless really required (eg DD smashing up the kitchen while getting food and flinging it and going to hurt herself with flying appliances kind of level of behaviour)
so it does sound odd and can imagine DD not v happy

Finola1step · 21/05/2015 21:42

It sounds like one.big mess. She returned from her dad's with bruises that you didn't ask about. The mealtime was stressful after a day of the dc's playing up. Your dp physically stopped her going in to the cupboard. Despite you being there.

Your DD then returns to her dad's and the situation explodes. He reacts to the bruises. People are called and now he wants to take it further.

And you still haven't talked to your DD about the original bruises? But you want to question why she "lied".

My goodness. Just talk to your DD.

BertPuttocks · 21/05/2015 21:44

You seem to be blaming everyone in this scenario except for the man who thought it was okay to restrain your 10yr-old daughter by grabbing her arms.

Romeyroo · 22/05/2015 06:29

Regarding 'having the discussion' about your DP restraining her for getting food; there should be no discussion to be had

He should be apologising for touching your DD (to you and her); if you are getting 'but she did x', 'but I did not hurt her', 'but your xH is turning this into something it was not', or anything like that from him, you have a problem. Quite simply, he used physical means to try and impose his will on your DD, which was inappropriate, and he should have not done so; or having done so, immediately stepped away and apologised and see that he needs to work with you on parenting.

Leaving the XH out of it, that you have this situation and you seek to defend your DPs actions in your OP and blame your DD is in itself problematic. You have done the right thing in asking him to stay away.

As others have said, it is not a choice here; your DP needs to support you and work with you as DD's mother. Otherwise, you don't need to be controlling or manipulative to deduce that this is not a good situation for a child.

ArcheryAnnie · 22/05/2015 06:38

I'm afraid I'm with the other posters saying your DP shouldn't be restraining or physically grabbing your DD at all.

Pispcina · 22/05/2015 06:49

Doe your dp tell you that you are too soft on her?

twirlypoo · 22/05/2015 06:49

How long have you been with your new partner op? Do you live together?

Ems1812 · 22/05/2015 06:51

It does sound an awful lot like you are blaming your DD rather than your DP. Try & put yourself in her shoes, her mum has a new partner (which is hard enough for a 10 year old to deal with) who gets involved in a disagreement between you & then uses physical force to stop her from doing something. He has absolutely no right to touch her. You are the one that should have dealt with her behaviour, not your new boyfriend & it's worrying that despite many posters saying the same thing, you are still defending him & trying to justify your actions.

If that was my ex p & his new partner had done that to my son, I would kick off too so you can hardly blame her father who is trying to be there for his child because you haven't been. You really need to talk to your daughter & start making her a priority or you will lose her.

00100001 · 22/05/2015 07:35

A lot foyou are over reacting here about he "physical restraint"

have you NEVER ever physically stopped your child from doing something???

I could put money on the fact that you have sometimes, put your hand on your child arm to stop them reaching for something, or put a hand on their shoulder to stop them moving into danger.

The term "physical restraint" conjures up images of wrestling someone to the ground. Pinning them down or locking their arms behind their back etc. I implies pain was caused.

Where as, actually, putting your hand on a child's forearm to stop them reaching for something forbidden (food, hot stove, boiling water...) is actually nothing to worry about and a natural reaction

And really, the DP is not allowed to even touch the daughter? Not even a high-five???

eurochick · 22/05/2015 07:43

Restraining a toddler from running into danger - fine. Restraining an older child, who can be reasoned with or punished after the event is not fine in my book. I can't imagine doing that to my own child and my parents certainly never physically restrained me at that age.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/05/2015 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinkyDye · 22/05/2015 07:46

001 have you read the OP? It wasn't his dc, he left bruises and he doesn't live with OP which suggests newish relationship.

BeCool · 22/05/2015 07:49

I'm reading we have a stroppy 10yo who has been sent to her room and instead defiantly heads for the cupboard to get food she isn't allowed. Bf is there and stops her. I think many here are over reacting about this situation- it's not perfect but not too major. OP was there.

What is of concern for me is I can't imagine dd coming home from XP with bruises on her arms and not talking with her about it. Esp if X is abusive.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/05/2015 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeCool · 22/05/2015 07:51

Dinky he didn't leave bruises. Dd got the bruises at her dads.

00100001 · 22/05/2015 07:55

dinky have you read subsequent OP posts?? :)

00100001 · 22/05/2015 07:57

euro really? you would never restrain your ten year old, if say, they stepped out into a busy road? Or were about to put their hand on a (unknown to them) hot hob?

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