DD accused partner - not knowing how to handle it

[freerangechick99]

DD accused my partner of hurting her. Ex h deducted partner caused the bruises. I was in the room at the time and can confirm that DP stopped DD helping herself to extra food by holding her arms in a non forceful way. DD was angry because I had told her off just before and told her to go to her bedroom. After interrogating DD police concluded that DP had used restraint and there is no case of DD being hurt.
ExH has escalated this, threatened a law suit to stop me having contact with DCs. I have warned DP that ExH is manipulative and to be extra vigilant with the DCs has he would use any incident and escalate it, to make DP or me look like a bad person. He clearly escalated and twisted what DD said.
I was in the room and saw everything. I know that DP would not hurt a fly. Unfortunately I know that whoever the partner would be ExH would make issues and try to break us up or stop us moving in together. I left a controlling relationship but he is sadly still controlling me and now my dd.

I am angry against DD for raising to the game. I know she is feeling jealous of DP despite me trying to reassure her that she is very special to me. She is not happy about me having a new partner.
I want to avoid to say something like, 'I know you were lying' or I saw that DP did not hurt you'.
I am feeling sad and angry. I love DP so much and my DD too. I do not want to have to choose between them.
I have told DP to stay away.
I want DD to trust in the police and social services in case someone would do something to her.
How can I breach the subject with DD?

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I know it's been covered, but a new partner should not be playing 'Dad' with your daughter, including involving himself in family politics. Whether or not she could get food from the cupboard should have between you and her - it was really none of his business. If you want her to stop feeling resentful of him, the first thing you need to do is tell him to step back and leave the parenting to you.

[springalong]

The hysteria on mumsnet at the moment is just outrageous. The bruises came from when the child was at her father's home. Yet he called the police - I think that is a very aggressive and manipulative action. Did he speak to OP at all about it???

Different homes will have different rules about many things and that may include food and eating. Regretfully in a country where so many children live in 2 homes those children have to grow up much faster and learn different rules. Ideal? Of course not but that's how it is.

[Romeyroo]

I don't think the OP wants to listen to anything which is not what she wants to hear.

Aside from the point that the DP should not have touched the DD, I am curious to know what OP would have done if the DP had not 'restrained' the DD from getting food. Physically restrained the DD herself; asked her to go upstairs without taking the food; what?

My DD would be expected to ask if she could take something upstairs with her, or to bring it back to the table and then go upstairs, depending what it was. But the situation here is the DD was not allowed to get the food; and was physically restrained from doing so; what are the adults in this situation trying to prove?

But OP is not listening anyway...

[ApplePaltrow]

I actually commend the dad for listening and the police for intervening. He sounds like a caring switched-on father who was concerned about his daughter's welfare. He saw bruises, heard the story and called the police. Good for him.

[Melonfool]

00100001 - I don't think anyone sensibly thinks no other adult should reprimand a child, dp and I for example quickly made sure dss knew that whoever he was with was the adult in charge at that time and he had to respect them.

But, the facts here seem to be that the dp is quite new to the situation, and does not live with the OP. I did not reprimand dss until many months after I knew his father and dss knew me well.

In the 6 years we've been together, of which I have known the dss 5, I have never felt the need to physically prevent him from doing something that I can recall.

I have told him off and now we live together that has become more the norm in fact. But I am assuming the role 'in loco parentis' so I must be allowed to - in the case being discussed the new partner was there with the child's mother. In such a situation I would have stepped back and let the parent deal with it, especially in such a new relationship.

It does sound as if there is something slightly fishy about the situation but even on the raw facts it's at very least been an ill advised action by the dp.

In terms of how the OP deals with it, regardless of how much outrage people feel or do not feel, it seems her best bet right now is to focus on reassuring and rebuilding a relationship with what is quite probably a confused and rejected-feeling ten year old girl.

[Breezy1985]

I'm a mum of a 10yo girl and my dp is her stepdad, if he did this with me being there I'd go mad too, as I expect her dad and stepmum would once they found out. If she was in danger of hurting herself that would be totally different but this is just too much!

[Nellagain]

I am a sm of about 15 yrs and I agree with all pp who say the dp should not have restrained dd.

The dm should be in charge of discipline. And at no poont should your dp even think he has the right to physically restrain in a discipline like way.
grab marks are very distinct so if that is what your dd has on her upper arms then you exh is absolutely right to escalate.

[Pagwatch]

Hmm, well it is all speculation as the op used 'restrain' and, in spite of returning on a few occasions, doesn't seem inclined to explain what it means.

I wonder why, when it is integral to whether or not the girl/ex have a point.

[00100001]

assign = who think*

[00100001]

yet again using phrases like "grabbing" and "laying a hand on" is relaly... emotive and perhaps over the top.


And for those assign the new DP should have nothing to do with discipline? Whaaaat? Are you really saying the only person allowed to discipline a child is their biological parents?


Should an adult taking on some parental responsibility never be allowed to discipline or reprimand a child?

[lunar1]

The only reason he should have restrained her is if she was in danger. A new partner grabbing my child would be ringing alarm bells for me.

[AGirlCalledBoB]

I don't think it's necessarity the restraint but all the context that goes with it.

Her dd does not like the new partner, is struggling with it, only sees her mum weekends and then her partner restrains her. Of course she is then going to go home and complain to her dad, and probably twist the story! and then he in turn is going to investigate it. Not sure why everyone is starting on the dad, yes he overreacted but he is going on what his daughter is telling him.
He should have just asked what happened and left it there.

It's just probably too soon and not a good time for the partner to have anything to do with discipline.

[freerangechick99]

alwaystryingtobeafriend finally something constructive!

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Oh and my dsd came out with 'I have a right not to be touched'. When dp was playing/ tickling. How quick can that spiral out of control and be Taken the wrong way?

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Your dp should not have intervened. He could have just shut the cupboard door instead of stopping dc.

My dps ex would flip if I touched her kid but I'd never do it unless it was for their own good. Ie stepping out to a busy road etc.

It's not dps job to dish out discipline but maybe he just feels out of control and unsure of his boundaries.

Not really sure what you can do except try to talk with exH and explain that yes it was wrong of dp a d you have spoken and agree he should not be restraining or touching dd. Maybe this will help. X

[thegreylady]

Does your dd live with her father most of the time? I am wondering how this came to be the case. None of my business of course but it would explain why your dd is so easily manipulated by her father. Is she your only child?

[coolaschmoola]

Your dd only sees her mum on a weekend. Now she has to share that very limited time with your new boyfriend and he is allowed to put his hands on her to control her behaviour?? Talk about being shown where she features in importance. No wonder she's unhappy, poor kid :(

[theendoftheendoftheend]

My DC are always obtaining bruises, I rarely ask them about each one I thought it was fairly normal to pick up bruises when playing? (I always did!) So unless these bruises were particularly unusual I don't blame op for not having ask her DD about them before.
Also, if the police have investigated and deemed the DP's actions to be reasonable and DD to be unhurt by them, who are we to say otherwise? It could just as easily be that the 10yr old is being manipulated by her primary carer. It does happen!
Either way op, your DD is innocent in all this, she's the child the rest of you are adults. Don't lose sight of that.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

If you only see her at weekends, then you only see DP through the week, at least until this situation has worked itself through. I too would be very unhappy at someone 'restraining' a 10 yo. I wouldn't do that to my on 10 yo unless he was about to do something very dangerous like put his hand on the stove.

[Rebecca2014]

So you only have contact at the weekends yet your partner thinks it's okay to discipline your child?? Um no way.

[00100001]

If the Mother is saying she is OK with what the DP did, you know, cos she was actually there so knows what happened, why are you all harping on about how awful the partner is?

Surely where the bruises came form is more important?

[freerangechick99]

I will only see DP when DD is away

[Pispcina]

Thanks, Bob (or can I call you 'Kate'?!)

Yes I understand that sometimes the father is thought more stable, for various reasons. Just it seems to be fairly unusual and I wondered what those reasons might have been if this is indeed the case.

[DinkyDye]

Whoops sorry 0010