how does shared care work in reality?

[FaithLoveandHope]

Since DSS started nursery, DP sees him every other weekend and half the holidays. He's just got a new job which is 48 hours per week, with every other weekend off, which is good as it means he can still see DSS but does mean holidays will like be dropped unfortunately as DSS's mum would rather him be with her than with a childminder and only seeing DP in evenings, which is understandable. DP's Dad is constantly pushing him to see DSS more - but it's not like he's choosing not to, we just don't see how that's practical. DP's ex lives in another town 40 mins away so it would be really impractical having DSS on a school night - I don't think DSS would appreciate being woken up earlier and shoved in a car 40 mins. Also his ex won't actually allow any more contact than EOWE - even that's changeable as she often stops him having contact last minute, but that's another thread. We've thought of moving closer but tbh I don't see how it'd help as we'd both have a longer commute to work every day and I can't see his ex allowing additional contact anyway.

I was wondering though, how do people work it with 50:50? As it stands, DP's ex doesn't work and so it's far easier for her to do pick ups / drop offs for school and be with him during school holidays. DP's job means he has every other weekend off and my PhD is pretty full on, 8:30 am until 6:30 pm Monday to Friday, sometimes Saturdays too for me. Do stepparents normally do school pick ups / drop offs in the case of 50:50 or is it that both Mum and Dad's career takes a hit and both work part time to accommodate 50:50 shared care? As far as I can tell, it's impossible at the moment for DP to see DSS any more than he does even though he'd love to, but I'm intrigued as to how others make it work. I dread to think how we'd make it work if I ended up pregnant during this PhD, we'd have to though, there'd be no ex-P to fall back on!

My ex and I fit our working hours around our children. I work part time and he works flexi hours. We use our annual leave to spend time with children and where possible we take unpaid parental leave as well. His new partner helps him out as she doesn't work (or works very few hours). My husband helps out if he has a day off or is working from home but that's a bonus rather than something I rely on.

My DH did 40:60 with his ex which meant in practice 2 school pick ups and 1 drop off every week and every other entire weekend plus 50:50 holidays. Total nightmare! How we worked it was the days we had child overnight we had responsibility for collecting said child from school or paying for any child care. On days they woke up with us, we took responsibility for getting them to school BUT on other days eg Saturday mornings etc the 'responsible' parent collected them from where they had slept eg at mates after sleepover, from mums house etc. To take home. Ditto holidays. Basically, if you wanted them, you picked them up.

What happened was ok while I was on Mat Leave and part time first year but once I was back full time it didn't work very well at all. DH had to fiddle his hours ( with understanding boss) and worked a lot of evenings - thank god for laptops. It didn't work for the year he commuted to London - really hard and he hardly saw them but I spent lots of time with them which I enjoyed. Appointments like dentist were bone of contention always and we ended up saying that if you made the appointment you took the child as we got stuck with loads of orthodontic appointments at 3.15 which were impossible for us to do - but stuff like that is hard no matter what arrangement you have. If they wake up sick but are due at other parents that night we argued that it was that parent with responsibility for sick child care - didn't happen very often- but in practice I nearly always did it because my work was more flexible as I already had a very sick child.by then.

All in all a nightmare and as we lived 15 miles apart each child spent far too long in traffic jams eating dairy lea lunch ambles. But they are well rounded kids at university both knowing tart each parent adores them and feel loved by all 4 parents.

I think your DP needs to realise he needs to pull his finger out.

He has a child and when you do, you end up putting yourself last, driving miles, doing pick ups, drop offs etc - does not sound like he is actually doing much. 40 minutes is not an excuse - there are dedicated Dads on this forum who drive 90 mins + each way to see their child for an evening and then back, facilitated by the stepmum.

It really does come across that his job takes priority and the EX ( whilst not working ) is providing your DP with free childcare.I can see why she would prefer the child to be with her not a child minder - but actually what he does with the child in his time is his decision not hers and the child seeing Dad come home from work and living a normal life is equally important.

Not having him over the summer holidays - not sure I understand why he can not do this?

Quesera DP picks DSS up on a Friday and I do drop off on a Sunday. The point about summer hols is his ex won't allow him to see his DSS at any time other than EOWE and sometimes even stops weekend contact if she's in a bad mood - regardless of if her bad mood is DP's fault or not. I completely agree it'd be good for DSS to see his Dad come home from work, as does DP, but what can he do if she point blank refuses to increase contact and even point blank refuses the little contact he does have?

Oh sorry, I thought you were saying I do all the pick ups etc. Misunderstood your post. The only reason I do sunday is because currently I'm the only one with a driving license - DP is learning. As soon as he passes he'll then be driving both days instead of catching train on Fridays.

You go to court to formalise access. If it is bad now at 2-3yrs old, it will only get worse. He needs to fight for his rights.

He has every right as a father to have time with his child. The summer holidays - she does not need to know what he is doing during your time, whether Dad working or not.

I have the reverse problem and I want my EX to grow some balls and fight his current DP , for his contact time with his kids. I am not in anyway saying you are the evil step, which is the case for me. I just want my DCs father to grow some balls and see his DCs and stop giving in to her manipulation, that his DCs do not count as much as hers, on his birthday, holidays, meals out, teaching them to swim, ride a bike, fir in the car for a family day out etc etc. He does not need to go to court - I would happily let him have them on most days. ( bar a few special days)

Do not be in the position in a few years time, where my now 9 yr old, added up the ONs last year - 9 and the times he picked them up from school and did something for 2 hrs - 28 and asked does he not care. They notice as they get older. It is so hard to explain and makes me cry.

In your case it is the mum causing problems, time for him to fight for his legal right.

Aww that's so sad for your DS! How can your ex's DP say her DC are more important, that's just wrong! I've actually said to DP I'd be gutted if we had children, split up and he only wanted them every other weekend, he should be fighting for them (not that I would ever stop him seeing them). So he can be damned sure I think he should be fighting for DSS right now. Can court actually enforce it though? I mean what happens if they get a court order and she still refuses to let him have DSS - which happens so often at the moment. DSS is currently 5 so he has so many more years of contact, I think it'd help to formalise it as long as it would actually make a difference.

The people I know who do 50-50 or close to it are couples where both have jobs and both make some compromises in their working hours so that they can look after the kids at least 2 days a week. They also live nearby. In your situation I can't see how it could work as it sounds like your DP isn't able/willing to work shorter hours (eg 9-6 on some days and 9-4 on others). And his ex does not want a 50-50 split either, she wants to have DSS most of the time and for your DP to be the one who earns good money instead. I presume they weren't doing 50-50 childcare before they split up, so why start now?

I've had a sort of shared care with my ex for many years now but have found, as a PP says it's easier to have one parent who is in charge if things like doctors appointments, etc and generally keeping on top of the child's life. It's hard to do that unless you have them with you most of the time, especially as they get older and busier.

So I'm not sure 50-50ish shared care is really the best in a lot of situations. I definitely think you'd need to live closer for starters. And fighting a hostile ex for it could do more harm than good in terms of getting the EOW routine established and stuck to. What about more contact by phone/Skype/etc? Is DSS old enough for a mobile yet?

Sorry I just read the bit about him starting nursery - so obviously not old enough for a mobile just yet!

yellow she won't allow phone contact / skype and he's too little for a phone of his own - he's only 5. Before they split up he did the majority care and she was the one earning. But when they split up for some reason it switched. I obviously don't the details of why / how that happened as we didn't get together until just over a year later - when DSS was 18 months. I think a lot of it for DP's ex is about control - she likes trying to control the situation as much as she can, contact is just another of many things she does to try to control DP. Unfortunately that's often at the detriment of DSS :( Though admittedly DP hasn't helped the situation by not forcing court.

I think it's court he needs then really. Not necessarily pushing for 50-50 care. If his ex has been DSS's main career for the last 4 years and he works long hours I guess he needs to accept that. But he should be able to get regularly EOW contact, and half the holidays.

Last time he went to solicitor she eventually relented after about 2 months, just after mediation, so solicitor said there was no point going to court. But surely that's just bad advice on the solicitors part? I wish he'd pursued it now!

Sorry didn't explain that last post very well. Basically ex stopped DP seeing DSS about 3 years ago now because they had a stupid row about her texting him whilst having and bragging about having the doodah with her then bf (of all things you could argue about). Stopped him seeing DSS for about 2 months. Solicitor said mediation and eventually she relented and said fine you can see him so solicitor said they'd recommend not taking it to court as court won't do anything. Surely that's bollocks though? They can see from the texts she was consistently stopping him for stupid reasons. Ever since then it's been about once every 2-3 months she stops him seeing him at various weekends / holidays.

Sorry didn't explain that last post very well. Basically ex stopped DP seeing DSS about 3 years ago now because they had a stupid row about her texting him whilst having and bragging about having the doodah with her then bf (of all things you could argue about). Stopped him seeing DSS for about 2 months. Solicitor said mediation and eventually she relented and said fine you can see him so solicitor said they'd recommend not taking it to court as court won't do anything. Surely that's bollocks though? They can see from the texts she was consistently stopping him for stupid reasons. Ever since then it's been about once every 2-3 months she stops him seeing him at various weekends / holidays.

We do 50:50 with DSD. This is something that both DH and his ex were committed to providing her, back when they split up (she was age 3), and it is something DSD wishes to maintain, now that she's older (age 9). Her rota is currently a full week at a time: Monday evening to the following Monday morning.

We live about 5 miles down the road from DSD's mum, just one school district over. When we were house hunting a few years ago, DH and I limited our search to areas nearby enough to do the school run. All parents (me, DH, exW, and exW's partner) work full time M-F hours, so DSD goes to a child minder before and after school every day. DSD is registered to the primary school nearest her mother's house, so she has to get up earlier in the morning when she stays with us. The traffic gets pretty bad during commuter hours, because there are a ton of industrial estates in the area too, so a 10-minute journey any other time of day takes DH and DSD about 30-40 minutes.

She is mildly annoyed by the morning and evening commutes when she lives at Dad's, but she also has a very close relationship with DH. And he and I have a baby together, so these car rides are a chance for just the two of them to talk and catch up. Baby comes with me in the mornings to go to a nursery in a different part of town.

DSD has said a couple of times that when she's older, she might like to do two weeks at a time in each house. But, we'll see how she feels in a few years, when her friends are more a part of her life. DH and I would like to get a larger house in DSD's school district, so we can get rid of the school run commute and make our lives a little easier, but at the moment, that's not really feasible. We might try to teach her to take the bus once she's in secondary, but she's got to work a little harder at being less daft. Six months ago, she still couldn't remember our house phone number. And she still doesn't have a Scoob what her mother's number is.

DH and his ex had a very amicable split, all things considering. She called time on the marriage and moved out, and once he recovered from the shock, he was happy to draw a line under it. I envy his ability to do that; if it happened to me, I probably would have been bitter for the rest of my life. But, the two of them speak to each other respectfully. Emotions ran high during the first year or two of their split, but each year that goes by, they're a little more relaxed.

It wouldn't have worked if exW was the type to cut off contact. She wouldn't have suggested 50:50 in the first place when she split with DH, and would have gone for a more common EOW arrangement. It also wouldn't have worked if we didn't live nearby. For the most part, DSD is DH's and his exW's responsibility, but the step-parents pitch in when needed to support our partners. During maternity leave, I picked up DSD from her childminder at an earlier hour, and sometimes took her to school as well, to make life a little easier on the family.

I agree with a lot of what yellowdaisies has said. As much as it hurts your DP (or maybe DP's parents, being the unlucky grandparents...), I don't think you guys have been dealt a good enough hand to make 50:50 care happen without a lot of heartache. It sucks, but I think the suggestion of more Skype/phone contact is a good one for now. The setup might not be permanent. Children have a lot to say about divorce and custody arrangements as they grow older, IME. If your DP can continue some kind of relationship with his DS, without creating a lot of upheaval and instability for him, you might find his son will want to spend more physical time with him in a few years.

If it's actually your DP's parents who are wishing for more time with DSS, and they're hoping to get more time with DSS if your DP gets more access, the best thing to do might be getting DP to negotiate for grandparent time/visits with his ex. That might actually be much easier to arrange if either of DP's parents are retired.

Hmm... I don't have any experience of family court. DH and his exW worked everything out themselves. But, based on your current setup, I would assume that unless you can move physically closer to your DP's ex, or get DP's parents involved in child care (assuming they live nearby...), most judges would rule in favor of your current arrangement, especially considering how young your DSS is.

If you got together just over a year after they'd split when DSS was 18m, then they presumably split when he was 5/6 months. And your DP was a SAHD whilst his ex was out earning good money at that point? Was she not on maternity leave?

If her husband was a SAHD and she earned good money why would she take full maternity leave? Presumably she went back early to continue earning. There's nothing wrong with the woman going to work while the man stays at home.

probably we've considered moving closer but then what's the point if access won't be changed - it just means we'll be having longer commutes, which we wouldn't mind if it'd benefit DSS but I can't see access changing tbh so it seems pointless. Tried organising contact between DP's parents and DSS before and his ex just point blank refused and said they can see him on our time.

yellow IIRC they split up when DSS was 4/5 months old. Don't want to post too many details on here but they were both quite young & naive. DP and his ex were in college when she fell pregnant. Ex went back when DSS was about 2/3 weeks old as she didn't want to have to postpone course and then DP quit to look after DSS. Neither of them were earning, think they were living at ex's parent's house but ex's parents couldn't help with childcare (don't ask - many issues there). Now, I certainly don't think it's right that neither of them were earning, but it's also not my place to judge. Not sure how I would've coped if I'd ended up pregnant when still in college tbh. When they split up DP continued to be SAHP until ex had finished college.

That's all irrelevant anyway. I don't think any judge would care what happened 5 years ago, only what happens now. I think probably you're right about just maintaining as best a relationship as he can at the moment and see if things change as DSS gets older. If a judge rules in favour of current arrangement, does anyone know if it's actually enforceable? What happens if she cuts contact again? A few months back she did it and blocked his number, his emails, his facebook etc. and he had no way of getting in touch. What can a court order do in that situation?

x-post with Melon - different situation to what you're describing but I do totally agree. I don't think it's essential it has to be the Mum stay at home - both are just as capable :) Though I'm not sure I'd be happy going back that quickly...

In our case a few things were necessary to make it work: a shared residence order so equal rights and no messing with days, both parents committing to staying within a few miles of each other, everything the children need in both houses and changeover time at school so no need to go to each other's houses except in holidays. The parent in charge on that day sorts childcare and the other parent is informed of holidays etc. As the years have gone on there is more flexibility (e.g. if dm is away for work on her day she will ask us to have dsc) and occasional weekends swaps, but these are quite rare. Oh, and all dates for the year sorted in October so holidays etc can be booked. I think you and your do should consider moving closer then going to court to get things formalised, or at least getting solicitors to draw up a consent order. As your dss is so young, school holidays won't have been an issue before but they will be very soon and this is so important to get sorted at this stage.

DH never quite got to grips with shared care. When DH and his wife were together, he worked long hours in the building industry, she was a SAHM. After the split, DH had access Thurs-Sun EOW, plus one midweek night. . And he found it really difficult. Working long hours with little flexibility was a nightmare for school pick-ups/drop-offs. DH would have struggled to do much childcare and school runs before the split, and nothing changed after the split.

The ex wanted the best of both worlds – she wanted DH to have as much access as possible but she still wanted healthy maintenance payments. DH found it very hard to dovetail both.

I think it is hard petal when the man's been used to the traditional male role to shift to a proper shared care model. My DH's ex is just the same that she wants DH to keep earning good money, but also expects him to have the DSC a substantial share of the time (we have every weekend, and increasing nights in the week for logistical reasons) Tbh I don't think it's been ideal for the DSC. The older ones are not close to their DM and I think she fails to really get enough quality time with them to build good relationships. Meanwhile my DH has all his weekends full of kids but fails to keep on top of things like school emails because his work is so full on in the week so the DSC miss out on things. He always seems to be "holding the fort" rather than a lot of the critical bits of parenting older children and teens.

If you start off from a pattern of shared care when you were still together, and both have careers I think it might be do-able. But it's not possible to have a demanding career with long hours and also make a decent job of being a (joint) primary carer.

And the shared care in the OP's situation is even harder as it doesn't sound as if the child's DM wants it at all.

Yellowdaisies - yes, this is exactly what has happened with my dp.

When they were together she didn't work at first then worked p/t. When they split they have joint residency, but EOWE and one weekday night, she wouldn't agree to more for fear of reduced maints. But she now suggests we might have him loads of the time (we almost always agree to this) and about 10m ago she chose to change to ft work.

As you say, they didn't share care that way when they were together so why would it suddenly work for them?

And we do always seem to be firefighting and managing logistics rather than, as you say, doing real parenting.