how does shared care work in reality?

[FaithLoveandHope]

Since DSS started nursery, DP sees him every other weekend and half the holidays. He's just got a new job which is 48 hours per week, with every other weekend off, which is good as it means he can still see DSS but does mean holidays will like be dropped unfortunately as DSS's mum would rather him be with her than with a childminder and only seeing DP in evenings, which is understandable. DP's Dad is constantly pushing him to see DSS more - but it's not like he's choosing not to, we just don't see how that's practical. DP's ex lives in another town 40 mins away so it would be really impractical having DSS on a school night - I don't think DSS would appreciate being woken up earlier and shoved in a car 40 mins. Also his ex won't actually allow any more contact than EOWE - even that's changeable as she often stops him having contact last minute, but that's another thread. We've thought of moving closer but tbh I don't see how it'd help as we'd both have a longer commute to work every day and I can't see his ex allowing additional contact anyway.

I was wondering though, how do people work it with 50:50? As it stands, DP's ex doesn't work and so it's far easier for her to do pick ups / drop offs for school and be with him during school holidays. DP's job means he has every other weekend off and my PhD is pretty full on, 8:30 am until 6:30 pm Monday to Friday, sometimes Saturdays too for me. Do stepparents normally do school pick ups / drop offs in the case of 50:50 or is it that both Mum and Dad's career takes a hit and both work part time to accommodate 50:50 shared care? As far as I can tell, it's impossible at the moment for DP to see DSS any more than he does even though he'd love to, but I'm intrigued as to how others make it work. I dread to think how we'd make it work if I ended up pregnant during this PhD, we'd have to though, there'd be no ex-P to fall back on!

They didn’t share care that way when they were together, so why would it suddenly work for them when they’re apart

Exactly. DH’s job (builder) simply couldn’t be rearranged for flexible/reduced hours just because he’d now got childcare responsibilities. Not unless he took a huge financial hit. I’ve posted about this before, and been flamed. But if concrete is arriving on site at 7.30am, then he has to be there, irrespective of the access rota. On his midweek night and alternate Fridays, his access was due to commence straight from school, which often meant him having to leave work at 2.30pm to be at school on time, he’d then take DSS back to our (empty) house, and go back to site. He’d then have to work later into the evening to make up the lost time, which meant that by the time he got home it would be almost bed time for DSS, so they hadn’t had any time together.

Then we had silly situations where DH couldn’t get away from work, so used to try and arrange taxis to collect DSS from the bus stop, again to ferry him back to our empty house. Or DSS would ring me in a panic asking if I could leave my job early to collect DSS, but that was logistically ridiculous too, bisecting my working day to drive miles and miles to take DSS to an empty house. It would have made far more sense to access to start when DH finished work in the evening; the ex was a SAHM living two mins from the bus stop, so DSS could easily have gone back to Mum’s house, til Dad finished work. But no ……. The ex insisted the access started straight from school.

And we do always seem to be firefighting and managing logistics rather than, as you say, doing real parenting

Yep, I agree with this too. DH was often absent during access, which, IMO, made access totally pointless. And then there would be regular panics because DSS had left homework etc at the wrong house or suddenly announced he’d got a dentist/doctor appointment that we didn’t know about, prompting further logistical insanity. Even with the benefit of hindsight (DSS is now away at Uni) I don’t think anyone, apart from the non-working ex, got anything positive from the access arrangements.

I don’t have any magic solutions.

I think the thing that bothers me is people always want it both ways - they want the Dad to be out working and earning lots of money (if he's not, he's a feckless loser who's expecting DM to suck up costs) but then they also want Dad to share care 50:50 or at least more than EOWE (and if he doesn't he's again a feckless loser who should take more responsibility for his children and stop expecting DM to do all childcare). But realistically you can't have it both ways. Some of the comments here have been that my DP is putting his job first - no, he just has a job which he can't choose / change / reduce his hours and finding another job isn't as easy as it sounds! Whilst both working part time may work in a together couple, unfortunately as separated parents you don't necessarily have someone else's income to help pay bills etc. and particularly it's the father in 50:50 care who loses out on things like child benefit, child tax credit etc. I'm a PhD student so not on the best of money, we simply can't afford for DP to drop his hours so he can help with childcare - as much as he'd really love to!

Yes, you're right faith - you can't have it both ways. DH often comments that prior to the split, he was always classed as a good husband/father/provider because of his long working hours and the money it brought it, but post-split his work ethic became construed as a negative.

My DH has DSD 50:50. He works full-time 8-6. I work part time and mostly from home. Mum works part time not at home but only during school hours.

In term time DSD spends Mon & Tues with her Mum, Wed and Thurs with DH and alternates the weekends. Holidays are split equally. DSD is at a private school so she has almost 20 weeks school holiday a year. All drop-offs and picks up are to school during term time. We live less than 10 minutes from Mum so drop offs during holiday time are easy too.

I support my DH in caring for DSD. We have other children at the same school as DSD which makes things easy for us / me. I'm doing those school drop-offs and pick-ups for my own children anyway so it's no biggy to include DSD. It wouldn't work if she was at a different school or if we didn't have other school-aged children. She was at a different school for a while a few years ago and it was nightmare - I was spending up to 3 hours a day doing school runs and got extremely resentful.

DH for the most part takes over when he gets home on the nights DSD is with us - he does homework with her and puts her to bed.

I have no idea if the situation is in DSD's best interests or what impact it will have on her emotionally in the long-term but I don't view that as my responsibility anyway. Her parents are happy with the arrangement. Our other children are generally happy with the arrangement. Sometimes I feel like too much is expected of me with relation to DSD by my DH and on occasion by her mother too and in the past I have felt 'used' but mostly, things are OK these days.

Faith My ex and I share 50:50 care of DD - and I'm not sure I agree with some of the reasons you've given for it not being possible.

All parents have the right to request flexible working hours; my ex negotiated condensed hours as soon as we split - he works long days one week and short days the week that DD is with him. He's turned down promotions because he knows he can't take on more responsibility at work and maintain the 50:50 arrangement.

Your DP has made the choice to support you while you are studying - if he'd had a lower income when he met you, presumably your studies wouldn't have been possible?

I understand that in together couples, they may choose for one parent to take responsibility for caring for the DCs, but if the couple split, I think that BOTH parents should review their work and social commitments in order to provide the DCs with an opportunity for family life with exH of them.

But Peruvian, what if flexible working is requested but legitimately turned down because it doesn't work for your job role? And what if you need the money from the promotions etc to pay for increased costs of having older children? Depends hugely what the RPs finances are, other children etc, but ignoring step parents etc for a moment- if a couple get divorced and have previously followed a model where one works and one doesn't, that couple now needs more money to fund two properties, possibly increased travel, extra sets of DC clothes etc- so I don't see how the working parent can feasibly decide to cut their hours and avoid promotions with presumably a higher wage in the interests of the family?!

There often seems to be an assumption that at least one parent (usually the resident parent) maintains the same standard of living after a split/divorce.
My ex and I did it differently - we both had a lower standard of living after we split in order to provide DD with quality time with both of us.

For once I agree with Peruvian!

Both parents need to review their work and childcare commitments once they split and there will be changes in standards of living.

I worked full time and organised all the family, whilst my then DH worked full time. we went out, had meals, drinks gym etc when we were together. Now, I still work full time, now do 98% of the child care, organisation and bear all the increased cost.

He still works full time - but takes no part in the child care, does nothing to organise his children and has decreased costs. That is of course fair!

Peruvian he did have a lower income when I met him. I'd already started studying before we met and so there was no way I was giving that up. We were struggling to make ends meet and despite only working part time, DP was still only allowed to see DSS every other weekend. His job now means that he can't change his hours, they won't let him.

I'm not sure the maintaining standard of living is relevant - before DP and his ex split they lived with her parents and massively struggled to cover costs. Fast forward 5 years and they now both have separate flats but both still live pretty much on a budget. Despite DP earning more now than he did when we first got together, we're still just scraping by - council tax and child maintenance have increased, DSS costs more as he gets older (can't believe how much he eats / how quickly he grows!!) & we now have a car and my studying involves lots of travelling so more costs there. So whilst your flexible working sounds great in theory, we can't afford it and DP's ex wouldn't allow extra time anyway - he knows as hes pushed for it before when he was working part time.

Faith reading through the progression of your thread, it seems that you (like all of us) are having to do the best you can in a goddamit very imperfect world.

In answer to your first q, a true 50:50 arrangement is helped massively by the separated parents living within close proximity. My DP was able to make things work by remaining within

I think the thing that bothers me is people always want it both ways - they want the Dad to be out working and earning lots of money (if he's not, he's a feckless loser who's expecting DM to suck up costs) but then they also want Dad to share care 50:50 or at least more than EOWE (and if he doesn't he's again a feckless loser who should take more responsibility for his children and stop expecting DM to do all childcare)

Please, whatever you do, resist the temptation to give a shiney shit what other people "expect" - focus on what you and your DP can humanly make possible, because what other people think really doesn't matter, honest!

Thank you Daisy for your kind words. I'm really pissed off today. DP's ex has gone and changed the arrangements again !! DP supposed to be picking DSS up after work on Friday. She text today saying she has plans and DP will have to ask DSS which he'd rather do - plans with DM or come see DP and I. WTAF?! DSS is 5 - that is incredibly unfair on him. She's known for weeks this is DSS's weekend with DP!

In that situation, the most appropriate thing for your DP to do is to tell his ex that he wont be asking their DS to choose and to say that if she feels their DS would benefit more from the arrangements she had made than from contact, then that's her opinion, but that he doesn't agree.
And then Skype, call or even write to his DS (via the school if necessary), letting his son know that he hopes he has a good time doing whatever it is his mum has arranged and that they'll see each other again soon.

When the RP places lower value on the relationship between the DC and the NRP than the NRP does, it is often only possible to address this through a court order.

Neither parent is necessarily wrong, they just disagree on what is best for their DC, and if they cannot reach an agreement, then court really is the only option.

That is dreadful Faith. We have a similar option and it's now in court. Sadly it doesn't feel like the courts take that kind of behaviour seriously but at least our arrangements are now fixed.

\i think you will just have to suck up the 40 minute drive and do school pick ups. it really isn't long at all, and certainly no further than many children travel to school.

Peruvian DP said he's not asking DSS as he doesn't feel that's in the best interests of DSS. No idea what exactly was said but his ex is now letting DSS come on Friday. Though she has now taken to facebook to slagging us off :/

Head I'm sorry you're in that situation too. It's awful isn't it. What are your arrangements now fixed too?

Charis 40 minutes isn't our issue - we've no problem driving that far, but DP's ex currently won't allow DSS to come on a school night. Even when we lived 5 minutes away she still wouldn't. DP's thinking of going back to mediation, but not sure if that'll help tbh.