Ex wife after 9 years and still no better!!!! Argh....

[Pinkrose2]

Never posted on here before so before I start hello to everyone..
Well I don't know where to start to be honest. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 6. We met after they split so was not party to anything to do with breakdown of marriage etc.
My husband has 2 children now 15 and 13. The kids are not really a big issue, we see them every other weekend and once in week. We pay maintenance every month through CSA and never missed a payment. The kids can be testing at times and especially the older girl who can be quite manipulative and causes arguments with me and her dad as I think he should be more firmer etc, as they don't know the meaning of the word "No" . I know it's hard for him as he loves his kids dearly but is far too soft at times and can cause tension in our relationship.
But the main reason for me posting is the EXW. I am 40'years old and class my self as a fair nice person, but not a pushover but please give me strength.
I have never know a person could exist who can be so cruel, nasty, hateful, jealous and vile human being. She never lets up after 9 years.. Where do these people get the energy from to to keep the nasty texts/emails/phone calls going....I have only met her once years ago as agreed to meet her as my husband and her communication was at a all time low, so i thought I would try and help and talk to her woman to woman, never again, I left her house shaking after 20 mins of being there she was so nasty. If I told you all that had gone on I think I would be here to eternity but also make your hairs stand in end it is that bad. We even lost a child 2 years ago as only survived one hour after me giving birth as we have been trying for our own children and she was still on the phone the following day being horrid to my husband.

She just never lets up, always the chance a nasty text/phone call can come along when she feels,like it, we try to ignore her and just deal with critical things like health of kids pick up arrangements etc and most of the time we do but it's so hard.
I just don't get it,, we are nice people who just want to live our lives and do the best for the kids,, it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure and it has changed my outlook on people, before I ever encountered her I know life can throw all kinds at us and people are all different, but she really has made me look at the human race to think are there really such cruel nasty evil people out there,, I'm not religious but that's how I feel. She did meet someone a few years ago but only lasted 1 year but it still didn't change then, like I thought it might.
We have since adopted a little one recently as myself and my husband can't have any more children and she has even been awful over this, she actually phoned social services to say that this can't happen this year as her daughter has her exams and it will interfere, even though the daughter is fine with it.( after her knowing that I dont have any children after losing our son at birth I just cannot understand that a mum who has 2 children can do this to try and jepodise us having a child, ).
I am posting this today as I am sick and tired of feeling anxious,frustrated and trying to analyse her to'work her out' , which I will never ever do.
If anyone has any words of advice or wisdom with ex wives the please help, I'm trying my best to get her out of my head after 9 years of trying to win the battle in my head.
I do pray for karma and I'm sure one day it will happen. My husband seems to deal with it better than me and shrugs it off his shoulders quicker, but does get to him, but it gets to me more, maybe as I dont ever contact her since my last dealing with her many years ago i feel out of control?
Thanks and sorry for the long post in the end but if any one has any words of advice it would be greatly appreciated.
Xx

No advice

Just hugs.

The children are 13 and 15, why are you still in contact with her? My kids are 15 and 12 and I have stopped any contact with my ex (never had contact with his partner) a couple of years or so. Visits are in place and any change to them is through the kids.

I just don't understand why once the kids are teenagers you still require that level of communication.

I used to have to work with someone who was truly nasty. It upset me so much, I would try to anticipate her reaction and change it, try to analyse why she acted the way she did, all sorts - nothing worked. Someone advised me to not try to change her, accept that was how she was, but work on managing her. The shift in perspective really helped. So, could you and your DP decide that you will only communicate with her via email - gives you a chance to reply when you chose? DP only tells you the facts needed to arrange kids etc, to ignore the rest? By the ages of the kids, not long til you communicate directly with them.
I do sympathise - it is shocking and so wearing when you have to deal with someone so nasty. But you can't change her, just minimise her impact.

Whilst I appreciate you trying to 'work her out,' no normal person would ring social services about a potential adoption. Are you sure she's not crossed the boundaries from annoyance to actual harassment?

We have a horrible neighbour. She is truly horrible and all her horrible 'adult' sons and there is no way you can work her out. DH says that to try will lead to insanity.

Do what lbnblbnb says - accept that is the way she is and manage it.

Trouble, Ex-wife would have been contacted by social services for a reference during the assessment process for adoption. Keep strong, op. Try and ignore the ex and focus all your energies on your new little one and the family you are creating. As others have said, limit contact to email and remember, it's not too long before your dsc are adults x

I'm watching with interest, as DPs ex is equally as horrific I've never known such nasty behaviour in all my life! DP is used to her ways, but I refuse to get used to her bullshit. You might want to revert to text only communication as then everything she has to say is in black and white. We too are being harassed, threatened and it's fucking awful, and utterly relentless. We can't take action about the harassment at the moment (genuine reason, but can't explain without outing myself). I'm raising her child for her, because she chose not to, you'd think she'd thank me, but that will never happen.

If she's the same 10 years on I don't think she's every going to change OP but you already know that. Agree all you can do is ignore her as far as possible and try to 'let go' - maybe counselling to help with this? Mindfulness course? You can't control anyone else's behaviour but your own etc etc. Concentrate on your own LO and leave your DH to deal with her, maybe ask him not to share her texts / emails with you for a while. I agree that what you're describing above does sound like harassment...not sure how you'd go about getting her charged / convicted though...or if it would be worth the stress. I'm guessing after 10 years you've already explored all the options!

Just hang to the fact the children will grow up and become adults themselves then you will need to have no more contact with her at all

Many thanks for the replies.
We have in the past tried to ignore her and only respond via email, it did work for a short period but then she would text over something like picking up kids etc and would then just spiral into another abuse of nastiness again. I will speak to DH again to suggest we go back to doing this again.
Re the adoption, well it's a stressful process in itself but good god I was totally gobsmacked when my social worker sat me down and told me she had phoned her to state her views. Thanksfully my social worker saw through her so together with strong references etc we proceeded to carry on with the process.
I suppose this is why I wrote the post yesterday as I'm a mum now and want to protect my new son. She has ramped it up really bad recently and since having our new son and it's like I've had this black cloud hanging around over my head. She will just text OH saying ' your a disgraceful father' or you are not putting your own children first and it's not acceptable. The maintenance has slightly changed for the CSA calculations as OH has a new child to care for and you would not believe the upset this has caused. We are talking a very small amount that this has gone down by, she is so obsessed with money and even said early on in the adoption process, ' if you do me a favour and not put the maintenance down then I'll do you a favour and give you a reference for you're adoption. We did tell our social worker and she was horrified, she has even told her own children that they can't go on holiday this year as its your dads fault as the money has gone down !!! WTF
She is on quite a good wage and had all of the equity when they split to start again so it makes my blood boil!!!!!!!!
Thanks again for the replies

This is so familiar! My unborn son has also been slagged off my older DC has been able to defend himself, and us because he can state clearly that he is not being abused, nor is he being parented by drunk drug addicts but this baby can't say that I'm just waiting to have to deal with the next round of official allegations

Has it got worse since she heard about the adoption? My dh' s ex also flipped when we were first discussing adoption (lots of talk about his ' real' children etc.). Luckily for us she has calmed down and makes an effort now to get on with dac. However at the time we thought a lot about the vitriol in her readtion, and could only think that maybe she felt threatened by the thought of him having another child with someone else. Before our child she had a special role in his life as mother of his children but maybe she felt she would lose this a bit. Then again, your dp' s ex sounds like a nastier piece of work and maybe is just looking for any ammunition she can. I hope it settles for you soon and you find some piece in your new normal.

As pp said, all contact through the kids.

Dh says he's never got on better with his ex since they stopped speaking :). I've never spoken to her and don't intend to.

Block her number, or don't respond. Get the kids cheap phones if they don't already, and arrange everything through them, they're old enough.

Unfortunatley it's not the case that she has got worse since our son has arrived. She has always been the same. It frustrates me even more that when they split up 10 years ago its been reported by various good friends that she was having an affair and a reason for their breakdown of the marriage. It then ended quickly and then I think she thought oh I'll have him back now,, but,,,,he had met me by then so she couldn't have her luxury life back, as she didn't have to work.
When I first met the children they were 4 and 7. I tried my best to bond with them and the 7 year old daughter wanted to do make - up parties together and one night she wanted me to sleep in her room with her, seperate single beds, so this happened, EXW heard of this and demanded this must never happen again for me to sleep in the same room as the children.Anyway a month or so later it did happen as we were bonding again doing pyjama make-up party etc. The Dsc cried her eyes out as we told her we couldnt let me sleep in the same bed ( dsc wanted to sleep in our double bed this time).after a few hours of crying we did let this happen as thought there was nothing wrong with doing this. Bear in mind I had know the children for a few months. I had full pyjamas on and a dressing gown on as you would do.
We then received the dreaded letter from a solicitor,,,,,
Basically implying that I could be a peadophile and if I had been child checked out etc (CRB checked etc) it obviously didn't say that word as I could do her for slander etc,,,,
I was so upset reading this letter and couldn't believe the lengths that someone would go to,,to spend money on going to a solicitor just completely shocks me to the core,,,
I suppose at the point 10 years ago i realised what a nasty piece of work she is but didn't think it would continue as it has for all these years...
I have let her get to me for far to long now so I have to try somewhere to really not let this happen and just concentrate on my new gorgeous family, but it is hard but I'm going to try my best
Xx

She is jealous and spiteful. She sees you as the woman who now has her husband. I take it that you weren't the OW. But you have the happy life she wanted. In her eyes she has lost her husband and her children have lost their father. That's the reason. Logical or not.

I have a very similar story. When I met my dh I had so much empathy for the ex as they had a young child and I knew how tough life can be as a single mum.Within a few years I had to toughen up as she was just plain nasty.She had the affair(s) and then was in shock when dh had the strength to walk away.
Her behaviour ramped up significantly when we had a child and she did whatever she could to make life tough, despite marrying her affair partner and having children with him. A friend visited and witnessed the ranting calls and it was the wake up we needed as she said it was harassment.

What has made it better? She has divorced again (another affair!) and remarried.She finally seems happier and the latest husband is reasonable and seems to reign her in.She is still nasty though, mostly to the ex of her new husband.

Her nastiness is most likely due to deep unhappiness or even a personality disorder.A common theme is to play the victim which actually being the persectutor and failing to accept responsibility for her actions or life.Nothing you can do will change it.

Do not let her rob you off your joy with your new child - this is her intent. Your husband's attitude is right - shrug her off.
If you have thoughts of her and her past actions, push them out of your mind and replace them with happy thoughts of your son or husband.

My step daughter is older and whilst she loves her mum she knows she's often unreasonable and angry.We offer dsd a different view on life and that has helped her to be more balanced.

Congratulations on your adoption, it's a wonderful thing and glad it's worked out for you.

God she sounds awful. As her DCs get older they will see through her, and serve her right.

I feel so sorry for you as this brought back to me the shock I felt when dealing with DP's ex. I had prepared myself for the SC finding it hard to adjust to a new person in their dad's life (although they were fine). But the sustained level of at best unpleasant behaviour took me aback completely. Reducing contact to a minimum helped; don't dwell on / re read texts/emails - just identify the issue (if there is one) and answer. Otherwise delete; try not to give her space in your lives by talking about her / trying to work out why; it really helps if you have a couple of good friends you can offload onto; it does get easier as the SC grow up and there is less need for contact. Our SC have now all at university and we don't have any regular contact with EX now. Hang on in there.

Thanks again for all your replies, why didn't I come on here ages ago as it really is helping , oh well I'm here now. Lol

Just to point out i was not the OW and had no part to play in the breakdown of the marriage, I cannot belive my husband married her and nor can he now for her despicable behaviour.

As you all say she's not going to change I know, and if i look at it properly it is harassment in so many ways. We really do try and do the right thing in everything we do and are good people, so it is so unjustified all the abuse we get.
We are very lucky to have adopted our son only a couple of months ago and from today I am not going to let her nastiness get in the way of the joy we have with him as it is so precious.
The DSC love him in our lives and we have talked lots about this new change to their lives and they are at an age where they understand and will not be treated any differently when they come to stay. It is EXW who cannot handle the fact at all that this has happened. It feels like at times she still thinks she is married to my DH and can still have this control over him.
I have been a good Step mum to DSC over the years and it's been hard at times. We do by the way have as little contact with her as we possibly can and only text re health pick up arrangements etc, it's her that sends the messages whenever she feels like it. We do ignore as best we can but sometimes she just carrys on so we feel we need to have our say too ?
As DH said last night picture is in say 5 years and what will it look like then as she will be a lonely person and we don't have to have anything to do with her, it feels lovely to think that way but I know she will never ever stop, even when kids are older she will still send her spiteful messages.
Thanks again it really is helping
X

Thnaks Libby10
Yes thankfully I have a number of really good friends who help enormously, one friend was a friend of my DH before I met him so she knew the EXW.
She understands my pain and is always there when I need her which is great.
Interestingly my good friend goes to a new hair salon where I go to, this is where EXW sometimes goes to but has since stopped going as she called the owner and demanded that the price was too high and can she have a reduction to her hair cut, the owner( friend of mine as I've been going for so long said no cannot reduce price erc, how rude t even ask)
Anyway the stylist used to do EXW hair so when it became know that my friend new me the stylist said oh you must know the EXW then.
She said she didn't come her anymore but proceeded to tell my friend how awful she was and the salon dreaded her coming in as all she did was moan about everyone and what a nasty person she was. Lol this did make me chuckle, how awful though that the world thinks of you like this,. My friend sent me a text to tell me all this so i have kept it and look at it from time to time to give me a boost,,, lol
X

It is unfair and hard to deal with. I completely understand why you feel you need to respond at times but it won't make any difference. Try to think of the EX as being addicted to nastiness. responding to her is like giving a drink to an alcoholic. It won't help her and it won't help you. every time she intrudes in your happiness she is winning so try and block her out.

One of my friends used to tell me I was suffering from mad cow disease. Still makes me laugh too.

One day I had a lightbulb moment and realised that by responding to the ex we just encouraged her.She wanted to stay in contact with DH even if it was negative.

No amount of reasoning/kindness or rationale would work as she didn't want to make it better, she wanted to keep up the drama.

I would have one mobile for her, that is only switched on when you need it, and another for real life. Don't get I involved with her at all. Focus on your new son and your family life with your step children. Don't let her spoil it for anyone.

Thanks again for all your words of advice, it really has helped me. You are all so right in what you say so we will ignore her as much as we possibly can and try and erase her from our minds all together. She has the problem not us, and the control she has over us has to stop.
I'm really not going to try anymore to try and work her out as my brain just can't take it anymore so onwards and upwards.
At least me and DH have a strong marriage, think a glass of vino is called for to celebrate lol xxx