Ex wife after 9 years and still no better!!!! Argh....

[Pinkrose2]

Never posted on here before so before I start hello to everyone..
Well I don't know where to start to be honest. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 6. We met after they split so was not party to anything to do with breakdown of marriage etc.
My husband has 2 children now 15 and 13. The kids are not really a big issue, we see them every other weekend and once in week. We pay maintenance every month through CSA and never missed a payment. The kids can be testing at times and especially the older girl who can be quite manipulative and causes arguments with me and her dad as I think he should be more firmer etc, as they don't know the meaning of the word "No" . I know it's hard for him as he loves his kids dearly but is far too soft at times and can cause tension in our relationship.
But the main reason for me posting is the EXW. I am 40'years old and class my self as a fair nice person, but not a pushover but please give me strength.
I have never know a person could exist who can be so cruel, nasty, hateful, jealous and vile human being. She never lets up after 9 years.. Where do these people get the energy from to to keep the nasty texts/emails/phone calls going....I have only met her once years ago as agreed to meet her as my husband and her communication was at a all time low, so i thought I would try and help and talk to her woman to woman, never again, I left her house shaking after 20 mins of being there she was so nasty. If I told you all that had gone on I think I would be here to eternity but also make your hairs stand in end it is that bad. We even lost a child 2 years ago as only survived one hour after me giving birth as we have been trying for our own children and she was still on the phone the following day being horrid to my husband.

She just never lets up, always the chance a nasty text/phone call can come along when she feels,like it, we try to ignore her and just deal with critical things like health of kids pick up arrangements etc and most of the time we do but it's so hard.
I just don't get it,, we are nice people who just want to live our lives and do the best for the kids,, it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure and it has changed my outlook on people, before I ever encountered her I know life can throw all kinds at us and people are all different, but she really has made me look at the human race to think are there really such cruel nasty evil people out there,, I'm not religious but that's how I feel. She did meet someone a few years ago but only lasted 1 year but it still didn't change then, like I thought it might.
We have since adopted a little one recently as myself and my husband can't have any more children and she has even been awful over this, she actually phoned social services to say that this can't happen this year as her daughter has her exams and it will interfere, even though the daughter is fine with it.( after her knowing that I dont have any children after losing our son at birth I just cannot understand that a mum who has 2 children can do this to try and jepodise us having a child, ).
I am posting this today as I am sick and tired of feeling anxious,frustrated and trying to analyse her to'work her out' , which I will never ever do.
If anyone has any words of advice or wisdom with ex wives the please help, I'm trying my best to get her out of my head after 9 years of trying to win the battle in my head.
I do pray for karma and I'm sure one day it will happen. My husband seems to deal with it better than me and shrugs it off his shoulders quicker, but does get to him, but it gets to me more, maybe as I dont ever contact her since my last dealing with her many years ago i feel out of control?
Thanks and sorry for the long post in the end but if any one has any words of advice it would be greatly appreciated.
Xx

Similar story here. Honestly - the energy they put into it all is astonishing.

Again...I had nothing to do with breakup. DH had moved out, and her boyfriend had moved in! Yet when I came along...all hell broke loose. When DD came along - YIKES.

Spiteful behaviour that never ends.

We arrange all things via the kids and started to when they were 13. Never told kids of plans - they'd get ruined (kids not allowed to come at the last minute, tickets purchased for another clashing event etc etc. Esp bad with our DD birthday, school plays etc). So everything is announced when they get here.

If you get a phone call...DH just repeats back in a neutral voice 'so...you've called to tell me I'm a crap father and the kids hate me - I understand why you've called - anything else?'. Bland. No attempt to discuss or defend. It makes it less fun for them. Also...just sometimes...hearing what they are saying parroted back is a bit of an eye opener.

The best way to deal with this situation, is to pity her! She's obviously jealous of your life, and is an unhappy and resentful person....imagine what it must be like being her?! If, every time she contacts you, you can get a picture in your head of a very sad woman who will never be happy with anything/anyone, she will lose the power she has to upset you, then you can move on with your lovely family!

Sorry this is belated but OMG I wish this page had a like button (like facebook) similar story here and I wish I could "like" the comments from you all that made me feel less like the only one whose partners ex is vindictive

Sorry this is belated but OMG I wish this page had a like button (like facebook) similar story here and I wish I could "like" the comments from you all that made me feel less like the only one whose partners ex is vindictive

Same here!

I am myself an Ex, and there are lots of nice Exes I am sure. BUT, when you have one who is nasty as an Ex to your DP, as you do, and so do I, with kids it is a NIGHTMARE! I sympathise. At least you and youro DP seem united - she hasn't succeeded in dividing you.

My DPs Ex lays on the guilt and is currently telling him and the DSCs that I do not make them welcome etc - poisoning the DSCs and has rocked our relationship too at times. When I've put more effort and looked after her DSCs more than she has for years. It does hurt, but I try to rise above it. I bumped into Ex recently with her daughter - and BOTH totally ignored me - I was actually a bit heartbroken as that daughter I'd cared for every weekend for years, did her birthday parties, but because her mum decides to spurn me (NO idea why this time - all I do is stay out of her way) - I have no chance of a relationship with her daughter.

However we can't do anything about it. Just keep a distance. It is really horrible to have to live with though.

P.s. I also have a DC with DP and Ex did get worse - at first not being nasty but started to heap the demands onto DP and me - leaving me with DSCs unexpectedly etc. I think this is probably common that it gets worse, so you are not alone!

I am also not the OW. And it is abusive of your DPs Ex - but sharing this so you don't feel alone it really helpful. Keep doing that otherwise you'll feel like you are going insane! After 2 years thinking 'is it just me?' I spoke to DPs sister who spilled out how awful Ex had always been to DP - you need to know that you aren't alone!

It is actually my ex who is the unpleasant individual. We have been separated (and divorced) for over 4 years. The energy and effort that he and his partner (who was the OW) put into hassling me is unbelievable. They do it through legal correspondence which makes it very difficult to state harassment and get it stopped. It is a stalker type behaviour and I have begun to use some of those defensive tactics to protect myself. However my legal team tell me that I must respond otherwise the court will think I am not cooperative. So actually the family courts are failing us again. I had approx. 14 letters and emails this summer - 1 dealt with the return of an old outgrown coat from last winter. Another dealt with the child's pocket money.

So the balance between managing communication to deal with child daily issues and blocking an abuser is very tricky. I feel for you.

springalone - that sounds absolutely awful. Why do people put such effort in? It is nasty and vindictive. I think some people incapable of letting go and it is in 'stalker' and 'abusive' territory. I wonder if the courts are failing children in recognising that? How can you parent effectively in such circumstances?

I've read research which says that acrimonious separations and partners continuing being nasty is so detrimental to children that they fare worse than no involvement at all from that parent.

Close on two decades here OP, but Karma has bitten her on the arse. Dh ex-w has used all 4 children as Exocet missiles lined up against us for years. She has also remarried so god knows what her Dh makes of it ? anyway, the child manipulation and vitriol finally got to them and aged 11 & 13 the two eldest moved to live with us - and yes, she made them go through the whole cafcass/court process as was adamant they didn't know what they were saying.... the younger two would have moved when they got to that age but they have been so guilt tripped about 'daddy and that woman having everything that's mine' that they couldn't cope with her banging on and stayed.. but 'stay' almost full time with us. She still tries it on. Kids are all teens/late teens/early twenties. Her emails go straight to trash. Last time we looked there were nearly twenty in there from a 5 week period. We never read them, never respond. If there is a genuine problem then one of the adult children will let us know... Can't wait for the next decade and the weddings to begin !

Sorry, I forgot to mention , and it's important. NEVER be confused between a solicitors letter and the Court. A solicitors letter is not worth the paper it's written on. A solicitors letter carries no more weight than a letter from Father Christmas when it comes to doing/not doing something. A solicitors letter is a means of intimidation from one side to the other. The only thing it does, is create a written record of one sides point of view which could be used in court. A solicitor who sends a letter accusing a dsm of being a paedophile for sleeping in same bed as dsd will reflect badly on that solicitor. That said, whilst the best way to deal with one sides solicitors banging out pointless letters at their clients request, is to ignore it, ALL COURT ORDERS must be complied with.

What a crap situation. I'm sorry for the loss of your first child. Congratulations on your recent adoption though that's fantastic news.
As easy as it is to write that you will try and ignore her and not let it get yo you, I think you should look into practical steps to reduce contact.

I would block her number and emails for a start.

All contact to go through children for their visits/pick ups, they are old enough.

Have a trusted (ideally from both sides) intermediary who she has the number for in case of emergencies who can contact you if required.

You shouldn't be putting up with this. It's bordering on harassment.

There is a gap in the market for an organisation - perhaps a voluntary one - to act as a filter for texts and emails from horrific ex's like this. So every message would be read by a trained person who would only allow through the basic organisational ones. This could be done with or without the ex knowing it was happening.

Though perhaps it might make things worse in that they might send the communication through the DC instead.

Horrible situation OP - but like marilyn says I don't think you need to read anything unless it is a court order, even from a solicitor. Just set up a plan with your partner - only ever recieve emails or texts - DON'T READ THEM. Get them to a separate email account - separate phone. Build up as many defences as you possibly can. Set up a plan ahead for the next year and do the absolute minimum of contact, preferably by someone else - a grandparent/friend.

I have a friend who gets horrible emails from the EX and got a third party, a friend to take over reading them - he only tells her if there is anything urgent in them and otherwise doesn't say anything - as it got so bad. It wasn't an ideal solution but desperate measures are often needed!!!

interesting - this morning I have received a letter from my solicitor advising me that the separate email account I use for ex is causing an issue, blocking contact (with ex), the court wont look favourably on it etc. effectively I must agree to his every request. It is a reason I am sacking her - she should be working for me not him.