Blended families - did you have kids of your own?

[Dodo76]

DH and I got married last year. We have been together 3.5 years. DH has 2 kids from his first marriage, 11 and 9, and I have 2 boys, 7 and 5. All seems to be going ok wish so far although 4 kids is a lot to manage. DSCs are here 50% of the time. We are trying to decide whether or not to have a child. I am 39 in a few months so if we want to have one then we need to get a move on. We discussed it and agreed that the only reason we would have one is that we want a child together. Practically it would be difficult as we already have 4 to manage and 2 exs and 2 different sets of childcare. We have also, for various reasons, only just moved in together. Reasons for doing it would be that I would love to have a child with DH. I know he would be a great dad and if we didn't then I think we would regret it. Reasons against would be that this child could leave the other 4 children feeling alienated as it would be the only child of both of us. I would feel in a way that I had betrayed my sons and if we broke up it would be very very messy. I am also not sure I can face going back to nappies and breastfeeing, let alone being pregnant. Was quite glad to be through those years! Would be interested in hearing from others who have been in the same situation. What did you decide?

I have 2dcs of 16&14, my DP has 2DCs of 16&10 and we have a DS together who is 19 months and we are both 43. All 4 older DCs love him to bits and there hasn't been any issues at all, if anything when they are all here they fight over who's going to feed, play with him etc. I would say it's actually brought the family more together as a whole as they all have something in common now and it's great having a little one around again

marking place :)

When me and DH got together he had DS who was 3 (50/50 care) and I had DS who was 2.
We went on to have three more children and it's been fantastic. The two oldest boys haven't felt 'put out' or 'alienated' by new siblings anymore than other children who have 'full' siblings born in the family iykwim.
We're lucky that I absolutely adore my DSS and my DH loves his DSS. Everybody gets on well and DH is a marvellous dad and husband who pulls more than his weight at home and with the DC.
If you want another DC between you I'd say go for it!

Foxeym makes a good point about all the dc having something in commom, I never thought of it from that angle before.

Having said that, we would absolutely not want to bring another child into our lives.

DP has 3 ds and I have 1 dd - we have dss week on week off, and dd is FT at our house. Although dd goes to her dads one night every weekend.

When dss are at Mums, and dd is at dads DP & I use this time to go out for drinks etc with friends, we seem to have built up a really good balance of mum/dad family time and also time for us to let our hair down a bit.

Seems selfish to focus on the free time, but I have never been happier.
Plus having 4 dc is challenging enough (for us)

When I first read through your thread I thought that the negatives far outweigh the positives in your case. Then I scrolled up and read your username. I'm not keen on dragging up old threads, but yours are so memorable. Your family life is balanced in a knife edge with massive potential for the children, especially his to be hurt. Please please please don't add any more dimensions to your situation.

"Your family life is balanced in a knife edge with massive potential for the children, especially his to be hurt."

Based on what Lunar? Please justify this statement, especially the part about "especially his kids" being likely to be hurt. How/why/based on what?

Nice that there were a couple of helpful/optimistic posts before the claws come out.

Lunar, shall we try to be a bit fair about this? You are concerned about "his' children being hurt. I would like to point something out. Their dad had an affair and left the family. My ex-husband also had an affair and left us. In terms of causing hurt to HIS children, i would say the actions of their father has caused most hurt in their lives, not me, and that since then his sole focus has been on protecting them and doing everything he can for them. I would also say that I have done all I can to support him in that and that his and my children seem happy and comfortable with the current arrangement. They have just moved in and all seems to be going well otherwise we wouldn't even have been contemplating another child.

I think your criticisms stem from the fact that i) I, rightly, had some anxieties over how things would work with DH given his, and my, backgrounds, anxiety that i seem to be overcoming, and ii) that I wanted to protect my kids inheritance and current living standard by avoiding a situation where I was paying for 2 more children when I do not have the money to do so. As you know, I think the criticism is entirely unjustified and that the whole matter is irrelevant to this thread.

One thing that I have noticed with DSS, he has 2 half siblings on his mother's side and 2 half siblings with me. He has no full sibling to share his experiences with. What I mean is that before we had DC, DH felt sorry for him that even when he and his ex were together DSS had to see his elder siblings going off to their dads every other weekend and felt left out. When DH and his ex split up he had no full sibling to share the hurt with, then he had 2 more half siblings come along. He is the odd one out in each home, although of course everyone tried their best but there is such a big gap in ages on our side that it's hard, plus his elder brother has gone off to live with his dad and his sister will start university in September. My eldest is only 2 and they do get on well, but it's not the same as having a sibling close in age you can play/socialise with. I wanted to have 2 with DH because I didn't want my DD to be an only child except on EOW, and that she would miss him a lot. Now she has her DB and they are close and the questions about where DSS is are met with a sad pause for about 5 seconds before she bounds of to play with DS. I know siblings are not guaranteed to get on in life, my Dsis and I are not very close and fought a lot as kids. But when my parents separated we still supported each other through that time.

Also my friend was the odd one out in a blended family and the age differences and different weekend homes meant she found it hard to bond with them and she doesn't get on well with any of them. I really listened to her experiences actually when I decided to marry DH, she has given me much food for thought and made me see things from the child's point of view.

CaptainProton, I agree that it does put the new child in a slightly difficult position. They would be special in that they would be the only child of both of us, which could create tensions/rivals with the others, but also because they would not have any full siblings, only half siblings. My two boys are 2 years apart and are very very close (despite fighting all the time!) and I think that has helped massively in terms not just of my ex and I breaking up but also growing up. They have a shared history and shared parents and I think that will be a great source of strength to them. I definitely think I am too old (and too tired) to manage another two so it really would be just one more.

where I was paying for 2 more children when I do not have the money to do so. As you know, I think the criticism is entirely unjustified and that the whole matter is irrelevant to this thread

are you really that stupid? You may have moved in together but you have struggled to resolve massive financial issues between yourself and your husband. Your children are treated not as one family, but as two. The blending is in name only - childcare isn't shared in anyway, you pay for yours, he pays for his (or rather, works part-time which effectively pays for your husband to care for his children on a part-time basis). Your children attend private school. His children do not. You have a pre-nup that essentially ensures you retain what is yours and he retains what is his.

What is going to happen to a joint child? Is it one of yours or one of his? Does it go to private school or not? Is it cared for alongside your children or does your husband get to care for it alongside his children?

Until you are able to resolve the issue of what being a family actually means, you cannot possibly bring another child into this mess.

Er, my children don't (any have never been) to private school. He and his ex have their own childcare arrangements. What would you like me to do? Insist that he doesn't pick up his own kids from school so that he can pick up mine? He cannot logistically pick up from 3 different schools, 2 of which are 45 minutes away, at the same time, can he? How would you suggest we "blend" the family any more that we have done?

And here we go again with the 1950s approach to marriage . . .

Your previous posts stated that your children were privately educated. If I have that wrong, I apologise.

Regardless, how are you going to resolve the issue for a child between you? How is it going to be cared for? What will happen if your marriage breaks down?

Fedupbutfine, what may be a "family" to you, may be something different to someone else. Try to broaden your mind a little. Even if, logistically, it was possible for DH to look after my sons after school, I am not sure I would want him to, or that their dad would want him to. My ex and I both work full time in professional careers and as part of that we need childcare. DH and his wife decided to work part time so that they can look after their kids themselves. As far as I can tell, we are all happy with the current arrangement. I would NOT want DH to look after my kids after school as a) it would upset their current arrangement and ii) it could cause resentment if he feels he has given up his career to look after my kids. It is NOT an option anyway as he has to pick up his kids from their schools 3 days a week which is 45 minutes away then they have clubs etc so he is not home at mine until around 5.30. My kids finish school at 3.10. Are you suggesting we all get new jobs so that we can fall into the definition or what you call a family? A family to me is people who care about each other, who love and support each other in life. That does not to my mind have to include financial support.

As for childcare, I don't see that as a critical issues in deciding whether or not to have a baby. There are more fundamental issues than that, I think. But since you ask, it may be that DH would want to stay home with the baby or that he could fit in looking after it around his work. I think he would want to do that. He certainly has a job that allows him to do that and it's important to him that he spends time with his kids. If not then we would look into childcare as I did with my boys, ideally a nanny-share. Either way, I don't see it being an issue. If we break up, then the usual rules apply! It would be incredibly messy of course, but not much more than any other break up.

Our situation was a bit different in that I had already two kids whilst OH had none. Because of my age, similar to yours) we talked about having a child together quite early on our relationship. Although I was happy with just my two children, I desperately wanted a child with him and also to make him a dad. In the end, it wasn't meant to be. We went through a number of years facing the heartache of fertility problems. Although he was the one without children, he moved on quicker than I. I really struggle with the idea that he would never have a child of his own and that we would never have a little us.

It's been 2 1/2 years since we accepted it wouldn't happen and to be totally honest, we are both relieved. We love our life as it is, making the best of it, and both admitted that we are not sure we would have done well with the sacrifices we would have had to make if we had had a child. That and the fact that I don't think either of us would have coped with the exhaustion that comes with being older parents. We strongly believe that nature decided for us and in our circumstances, it was for the best.

All this to say that I do know what you mean about this strong desire of having a child together, but that if your choice is to not go with it, it is possible to move on without regrets and feeling that something is missing.

My justification is that there was post after post about your do being perfect apart from his children, it took you months to get your head around the fact that he wasn't going to see them less.

You married a man who you couldn't even have a conversation about finances with.

You have a house big enough for all the current children to have a room each but didn't want to make space for his a children.

Your posts always stick out to me, don't get me wrong I completely understand wanting to protect you children but you have often posted in a way that makes me think his children are second class in your idea of a family. You didn't want a single aspect of their life to alter in order to blend your family.

I think adding a baby to the mix would put his children further down your pecking order.

OMG, just realised who OP is! Wish I hadn't bothered posting!

Why do people feel the need to procreate with a new partner/spouse when they already have more than enough children between them?
Why not just enjoy the children you already have?
I wonder if it's because they want the bond that the ex has with their partner/spouse because they had children together.
New partner new baby seems to be very popular these days.
I just feel sorry for the kids who are clearly being replaced.

We have 1 ds each both similar ages. We won't be having anymore between us.
Lots of reasons including pre natal depression and a traumatic birth putting me off. Financial in that my ds is at full time school now so I can work more and wouldn't want to go back to the baby phase of nappies night feeds and pushing a buggy everywhere. With ours being similar ages there's lots of lovely things we can do as a family that we all enjoy which a baby would have an effect on. We enjoy our child free time also which keeps our relationship fresh and strong, wouldn't get that with a baby.also if we ever split I would hate it to send my two kids off to different houses for the weekend. It has been mentioned that having one between us would give our boys something in common, something to bond them but the way I see it they already have something in common and that's parents who love each other and want the best for them. I don't get this need people have to 'have one together'. I really just don't get it. We have enough kids and our family feels complete we don't need to add to that just to have one together.

Exactly ^^
We will be getting married as a commitment to each other and the family we have blended. We both know from experience that having a kid with someone doesn't mean good relationship or lasting commitment. My advice to op would be do not have another child. 4 kids is enough for anyone

"I just feel sorry for the kids who are clearly being replaced"
gofuckyourself - really????

I think that's total BS. I have one DC and DP has 2 and we would love another child. I don't wish to replace any of the kids we have already!

I don't think it's replacing the children but I think lots of couples go on to have one together without having the existing kids best interests at heart.
In my family there was 4 of us plus step sister, then the 'one together' baby in a 3 bed house and not much money. It wasn't in our best interests to have another baby.
In ops case they have struggled with money issues and space issues. Who will have to share with new baby? If it's a girl will ops dh dd be sharing with a baby and is that really in her best interest?
See it on here all the time people having problems of money and space because they have too many kids

I don't know the OP's situation but what's the issue with sharing a room? When DP and I have children together, DSS will almost certainly be sharing. I don't understand why children need to have their own room. If you can afford it then that's great, but otherwise I don't think it does them any harm.

Though fwiw OP if you are already struggling, I probably wouldn't bring another child into the mix. You have four between you already, do you really need / want 5? And do you really want another few years of sleepless nights / nappies / trying to accommodate activities for children with large age gaps? Though only you and DP can decide. If you think you'll both massively regret it if you don't more than you'd regret bringing another child into the mix and as long as it won't have long term detrimental effects on the children that are here, then by all means go for it. I do think it's harder as you get older though. My parents had me and my sister quite young (late teens and then early twenties) and had my brother when mum was late thirties and dad was early forties. They struggle a lot more now with him than they did with me and my sister.

I hope whatever you decide works out for the best OP and you're both happy whichever way you go.