Blended families - did you have kids of your own?

[Dodo76]

DH and I got married last year. We have been together 3.5 years. DH has 2 kids from his first marriage, 11 and 9, and I have 2 boys, 7 and 5. All seems to be going ok wish so far although 4 kids is a lot to manage. DSCs are here 50% of the time. We are trying to decide whether or not to have a child. I am 39 in a few months so if we want to have one then we need to get a move on. We discussed it and agreed that the only reason we would have one is that we want a child together. Practically it would be difficult as we already have 4 to manage and 2 exs and 2 different sets of childcare. We have also, for various reasons, only just moved in together. Reasons for doing it would be that I would love to have a child with DH. I know he would be a great dad and if we didn't then I think we would regret it. Reasons against would be that this child could leave the other 4 children feeling alienated as it would be the only child of both of us. I would feel in a way that I had betrayed my sons and if we broke up it would be very very messy. I am also not sure I can face going back to nappies and breastfeeing, let alone being pregnant. Was quite glad to be through those years! Would be interested in hearing from others who have been in the same situation. What did you decide?

I've got nothing against room sharing had to do it but in ops case her husbands daughter will be hitting her teens when this baby if they decide to have one is born. Is that in her best interests to be sharing with a baby? Being woken and disturbed by a toddler /pre schooler whilst revising for exams? Just wanting one together doesn't seem like a good enough reason.

swingofthings, I wish you hadn't bothered posting as well given that your comments had nothing to do with the subject of this thread and were purely aimed at resurrecting an old attack about choices I may have made.

Lunar, I never ever wanted/suggested/expected DH to see less of his kids. It tooks me "months" or even years to get my head around a new and difficult situation, yes. Are you telling me that NOONE in a blended family struggles with DSCs because if you are then take a look at the threads in this section please. With the best will/intentions in the world, blended families create many many difficulties and stir up a lot of emotions that need to be reconciled and overcome. It may not be the case for you but that is the experience of many.

As for them having a bedroom each, the issue was me giving up my office which, as I work (or used to work from home) alot I needed in order to pay for the house large enough for everyone to have a room in (note that DSCs share a room at their mum's and previously at their's dad's but, of course I am expected to bank roll this. I DID end up givng up my office so they can have a room each when they are here half of the time and now don't work from home so it means I see less of my kids and can't pick them up from school once a week, as I used to. Are you still suggesting that "I have not changed a single aspect of my life?" And how exactly are they treated like second class citizens? I would say exactly the opposite is true. It is my children who, despite being younger at 7 and 5, are looked after by a nanny after school until 7pm because DH refuses to use childcare as he wants time with his kids. I would say that they, if anyone, must feel like second class citizens rather than anyone else.

Thansk to all other posters for the helpful comments. Gofuck . . . good point - we have 4 children and you do have to pinpoint the exact reason why you want another and decide if it's valid. I disagree that it is "replacing" any of the existing children. Of course it isn't!!?? But you need to be sure it won't have a detrimental effect on the existing children and I am not convinced it wouldn't, if only in time. Feel like I have barely any time with them as it is. Awful to admit but one of the reasons for doing it is that I would be on maternity leave and so be at home and around a lot more for DSs. Would be amazing to be a SAHM even just for a few months.

I guess I just don't and never will understand your situation and the decisions you make. I've read posts where people rush into things without thinking it through. But in your case you walk eyes wide open into things you don't want to do.
You didn't want to make the sacrifices necessary to get married to this man, I wouldn't either. But you did, at the expense of what you want for your children. No man on earth would be worth me seeing less of my children for.

I don't think it matters to you if its a good idea or not. I think you could have overwhelming reasons not to have a baby but you will probably go ahead anyway.

Wait so your dh gets home with his kids at 5.30 but yours are with a nanny til 7? He refuses? You feel your kids are treated second class and I would have to agree in that case but why have you allowed that to happen? Maybe he needs to use childcare and work more so you can have a half day or two. If you had a baby then split would your baby be sharing a 1 bed flat with him and his 2 for half the week and how would you feel about that? Also if you have a baby with him he will have more of a right to your assets if he's the main carer allowing you to work

Hampsterdam, he hasn't offered to look after them between 5.30 and 7 and I haven't suggested that he does for several reaosons. Firstly, i suspect he wants 1-1 (or 2-1 time) with just his kids as he only sees them half the week. Secondly, I don't want to feel indebted and to feel like he is doing me a favour, which I have ended up feeling like on the rare occassions he has looked after them. And thirdly, it would be a nightmare finding childcare for less than 20 hours a week. I have already had several nannies leave saying 20 hours/200 is not enough to live on so any less would cause big issues. I agree, if I was him I would definitely use childcare or after-school clubs if only to alleviate the pressue on him as he ends up havign to fit his work in at odd times as he is off every weds-fri afternoon.

If we split, then I would not be happy with 50/50 custody although I can see he might get it if he was the main carer. If we did break up then DH would have to realise that he would not be able to live in the area he was living (hugely expensive zone 1 in London) and would have to get a bigger and more affordable place elsewhere. But yes, you are totally totally righ that having a baby with him bascially renders the pre-nup worthless and means he would have a much greater claim to my assets. Mmm.

I did, but in the snapshot you've posted I wouldn't.

My twin girls were 1 when I got together with DH, his DS was 3 1/2. Our situation was different though because my ex and I had split up before I was pregnant and his job (military) meant he wasn't/isn't around day-to-day all of the time. DH was widowed so we didn't have daily dealings with other parents. When we moved in together we were 'all in'. We since married and now have two children together as well as the big three.

Your set up is very different. Where would a baby fit into your two family set up? Would they be with your nanny or with your DH? Would they feel more attached to one family, would they be the blender between the two or would they end up feeling that they were neither one thing nor the other?

I find it astonishing that you are paying for childcare while your husband is at home with his children and the way you talk about being indebted to him for babysitting. That's more two families sharing a house than a blended family and a shared baby could seriously impact that and unless you can guarentee it wouldn't be in a bad way I wouldn't. I would only consider it if your current set up changed and you were both prepared to become X and Y and the 5 children rather than X and her 2 kids, Y and his two kids and little Z.

swingofthings, I wish you hadn't bothered posting as well given that your comments had nothing to do with the subject of this thread and were purely aimed at resurrecting an old attack about choices I may have made.

Unbelievable! I wrote a long post telling about my experience that related EXACTLY to the subject of this post. The only person who resurrected things from your previous post is you!!!

I regret writing it because I don't particularly like to remind myself of what I have gone through, so to do so to then realise that the person posting would in all likelihood take no notice of it, it felt like a waste of my energy. My fault though, should have paid more attention!

LaLyra and others who have made a similar comment, what would you suggest as an alternative? That the nanny leaves once he gets home or that he rearranges his schedule so that he can pick up mine and his older kids travel back, on tube, alone? Just thinking practically what alternatives there are. I don't think my nanny would want to lose the extra hour although that's not the point. It would be nice if he just offered to look after them even if I decided to stick to my current childcare arrangement. It would only save 3 hours a week anyway although he works v flexibly on Monday and Tuesday too and it often at home, or could be at home, so I guess could offer then too.

I agree with that a baby would have an unusual place. I don;t know where/how, he or she would fit but I know we would both do our best for him or her. I don't see how the practical side of things and our two exes would ever allow us to blend more than we have. How do other familites cope when 2 kids are at schools 45 minutes away from the 2 younger kids? Presumably even in a non-blended family, 2 people would be required to do all the pick-ups?

swingofthings, I did read it and it was helpful, especially the part about not feeling that anything is missing. I just didn't feel the attack about the earlier posts was justified.

I know you say every family is differnece and your family works diffently to most but I just can't imagine feeling indebted to my dp for looking after my ds which he does often allowing me to work to make money for our family. I appreciate it but I don't feel like he's doing me a favour.
Him wanting 1on 2 with his kids all well and good but when do you get that with your boys?
Also the nanny stays even when he gets home? So where does that happen are your boys in another room with the nanny I just can't picture the set up here.
Is he paying his share of the bills yet? Only advice I would give you is do not get pregnant before he sells his house or you might find you self leaving your tiny baby to go back to work to pay all the bills and childcare while he plays dad of the year to his kids. Sorry to sound harsh op but from everything you've posted here I don't like the sound of him and cannot for the life of me see what you or your boys get out of this relationship. You can only loose. Him and his meanwhile are onto a winner.
Was it his idea to have one together?

I'd expect the first adult home to let the childcarer go home tbh. What happens when they are both there? Are the children kept apart or does the nanny become default for all 4? Or is he busy doing fun things with his children when you are at work away from yours?

Surely his part-time working choices has an impact on the family budget or are you still his & her finances as well as his and her children?

I think you really need to think more before adding another child to the mix. How much time will you have with the baby compared to him? How much time will your children get with their sibling? Will they be in the care of the nanny while he's off having fun with his 3 children?

Your ex and his ex can't impact the blending that goes on once your front door is shut and you are all in your home. Only you and he can decide that.

The indebted comment isn't a good one. It doesn't even occur to me to feel indebted towards my DH for minding 'my' girls when I go to the gym because I would, and do, mind his whenever it's needed. It's not even considered minding - the adult at home is in charge of the kids.

swingofthings, I did read it and it was helpful, especially the part about not feeling that anything is missing. I just didn't feel the attack about the earlier posts was justified.

I apologise if you felt attacked. This is how I felt too, so I guess it's a case of misunderstanding each other probably from the fact that this is a forum and it is much more difficult to convey our feelings through that medium.

If you want another child have another child, all the other things will fall into place.

OH and I have 6 DC (none together) with 4 exes (each have 3 DC with 2 different partners).

We chose not to have any children together as we felt we already had enough and we very much enjoy when the DC are at their other parents

In your situation OP, another child doesn't sound like the best idea. I think you have to look at the practical and financial side of things and leave out emotions for now. If you can work out childcare, funding your maternity leave and your pre-nup etc then maybe you could go ahead. A baby is lovely but however much everyone loves the baby practical things can still have a massive impact.