Help- how to deal with this?

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

My dsd 11 and dss 9 were over last night.

Came over without coats or jumpers knowing full well that they would be going out to take the dog a walk. DP asked dsd to put on a jumper and she refused on the grounds that I had bought it an I'm not her mum. She shouted at dp that he is her dad and he should be buying her clothes.

I wasn't there ( I was shopping) so dp was dealing with this outburst. He told me about it later but I'm just not sure what to do.

DP has said to not talk to dsd. I don't think this is the answer. I think this has come from her mum and she is just repeating it.

We have had real struggles this past year with dsd and I have been trying really hard to be more understanding about everything.

But now it's quite clear dsd doesn't like me. But I get annoyed because I'm her friend when she wants something. I feel like I'm being taken for a mug.

I know it's prob normal behaviour but its causing such an atmosphere and I know dp is really disappointed in his dd for the outburst.

He can't speak to their mum as she is quite unreasonable and often she tells dp the kids are not'always' and I shouldn't be so involved etc.

I don't know what to do. The next few hers are going to be a nightmare if I'm not to talk to dsd. We have them 50/50!

Sympathise a lot with this. I'm in a similar dilemma. Step son and daughter - 8 and 11- live with us every other weekend and one weekday each week, plus we have our own 5 month baby. I'm on maternity leave so started doing everything - cleaning the kids room, changing sheets, cleaning their bathroom, cooking meals (always making stuff they like), buying treats and clothes. Cant say its appreciated.

My partners son is complaining all the time about the baby's stuff - toys, chairs - being around and said his room was dirty - certainly isn't! He's bitching a lot to his mum - who, to be fair, is supportive to us. My solution: yesterday I supplied a bottle of furniture polish, duster and cloth and said 'notice something that we've missed, feel free to clean it'. Surprise surprise - he couldn't find anything he wanted to clean!

Your DP doesn't rise to his ex because he knows that the more he does, the more she will rise back and the worse he will get. HE is taking the best approach to it, that is the equivalent of 'yes dear'. You want to confront her and what do you think this will accomplish but maybe making you feel better temporary for things to get worse as it goes.

You can't control your SD's mum, but you can work on your relationship with SD so that she doesn't feel the need to call her mum. For all you know, before you know it, she could be calling you to moan about her mum. And then what? It would be ok for her mum to call you and tell you to back off?

Teenagers do that. They moan to whoever they feel closer to, her mum is just naive to take everything she hears at gospel.

I think what you would be best to concentrate on is why your SD has suddenly taken a dislike in you if you used to get along well. After all, if it was all down to her mum, she would have dislike you from the start, but it seems that it wasn't the case, so there must be more to it than just her intervening annoying mother?

To be honest I just want my dp to tell his ex to keep her nose out. To stop telling him how to raise her kids. The same way she does when she thinks he is trying to do that. Although dp never really gets involved because what happens at their mums is for her to sort out. It just frustrated me. I know he is probably taking the best route.

As for dsd well I don't know what happened there. I've always been the 'nice' one when it comes to house rules etc except I do moan a lot about everyone leaving everything at their arses. So it's not just specific to dsd it's everyone. I've tried really hard the past 3 years to bond with both the kids and it comes and goes good times and bad.

If dsd doesn't like me then fine but I don't surround myself with adults that don't like me. Its really hard to be around the kids just now because if I want my dp then I have to accept his kids too. So I'm just going to be civil and do what I need to. I'm not going to go buying new clothes or play games or run around after them. That's all on dp now. I'll go whetevi need to when I need too otherwise I'll be making myself scarce when kids come over. I'll very much bury my head until dp can sort out the issues and find out how we can work them out.