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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holiday just me and DP

39 replies

FaithLoveandHope · 07/04/2015 16:04

Previous thread on going away without DSC has made me think. DP and I are wondering what to do about our honeymoon. We've not set a date yet for our wedding because his dad is currently having chemo and radiotherapy and so we want to see how he responds to treatment first. However, when we do set a date, we're wondering what to do about honeymoon. DSS's mum thinks it unfair of us to go away without him but I feel like it's our one and only chance where we can justifiably go without him. A friend of mine married someone with kids and they took them away for their honeymoon, but their situation was different as their Dad has unfortunately passed away and so they didn't have the option of staying with their Dad.

Are we being unreasonable to want to go away without him? We don't have a lot of money. We're keeping our wedding as cheap / simple as possible - given the situation we'd be over the moon simply if DP's Dad can be there, we're not bothered about much else other than marrying each other so it's not like we're blowing our budget on the day. We try to take DSS on a UK caravan holiday once a year and he's never been away with his Mum as she too has very little money spare. We're hoping if we save enough we can go away just us two and still afford to take DSS away another time so he's not missing out. What does everyone here think?

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 07/04/2015 16:17

I think that there is no right answer!

Personally, I was horrified when my DD's Dad took DD with him on his honeymoon - and DH and I go away without DD (and I've never taken her on holiday myself, with or without DH).

But, there does seem to be a beleif that DC's will be damaged if they know that their parent has dared to spend time/money enjoying themselves without involving them.....so, I'm sure you'll get some of those responses, too.

However, your comment about your DSS's Mums belief may be the deciding factor. No matter what your DSS thinks about it himself, if his Mum gives him the impression that he should be upset, and that he shouldn't be left out, then your DSS will experience significant emotional conflict and feel torn between his parents. Depending on his age and the existing dynamics between the three of them, a decision to honeymoon without him may cause damage to your or your DH's relationship with your DSS.

Sadly, this is another one of those occasions where the behaviour of the RP influences which choice on the part of the NRP is "best" for the DC.

Original poster

FaithLoveandHope · 07/04/2015 16:47

Thing is I know if DP and I had children before getting married there's no way I'd want to leave them for a week to go away just the two of us. So it feels wrong to consider not taking him. That said, the difference is we often have to go 11 days a fortnight not seeing him regardless of if we're here or not since DP only sees him eowe and half the holidays (ex's decision not his - she won't allow midweek contact) whereas a together child would be here 24/7.

I wonder if we could just time it so we go away when he's with his Mum and just not say anything to her or DSS? But then we risk her finding out and throwing a bitchfit - though I guess it's too late if she finds out after we've been.

This stepparenting lark brings up questions and situations i never thought I'd find myself in!

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 07/04/2015 16:49

We never holiday without the kids, but did for our honeymoon. It wasn't an issue, we just chose somewhere that wasn't really appropriate for kids.

lapetitesiren · 07/04/2015 16:52

What about a couple of nights including ds and then a week away together quietly.

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2015 16:55

She's just trying to ruin your honeymoon, isn't she?

needaholidaynow · 07/04/2015 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hampsterdam · 07/04/2015 17:10

Go without him it's your honeymoon. Go in the week you wouldn't see him anyway I really cant see why ex thinks it's her business or that she has a right to say anything about it at all to be honest.

hampsterdam · 07/04/2015 17:18

We will be honeymooning without our respective kids it wouldn't even occur to me to take them or to feel guilty about that. It also wouldn't occur to me to give a shit if either ex had a problem with that. Both boys will get a holiday with us and their other parents

Tutt · 07/04/2015 17:29

We honeymooned without any kids and enjoyed it so much we have at least 2 weeks away every year without kids :)
Its your honeymoon don't be bullied into taking children, you can and have every right to time alone regardless of being a birth or step parent.

BrowersBlues · 07/04/2015 17:35

Go on your own! It will be a great celebration of your marriage and you deserve it! DSS would be bored witless with the two of you. You can give him a treat when you get back.

PeruvianFoodLover · 07/04/2015 17:39

The problem with saying "don't give a shit what the ex thinks" is that if she does choose to behave badly, then "not giving a shit" will inevitably make things worse for the DC.

When one parent chooses to behave badly/inappropriately after a split, the other can make things better for the DC if they are willing to accomodate the "unreasonableness", and make decisions that take the ex's unreasonable attitude into account and avoid placing the DC in a diffiuclt or conflixtyed position.

I appreciate it's not fair on the reasonable parent, and certainly not fair on any future partner, step-DC's or future DCs that the reasonable parent chooses to have, to always have to accomodate an unreasonable ex, however, those are the choices many families seem to face.

Earsareconstantlyringing · 07/04/2015 17:48

You should do what you WANT to do, not what you feel you ought to as it's not a holiday, it's a celebration.

We had a similar situation ourselves and I couldn't imagine going away without my eldest (an only child back then), so rather than one swanky two-week honeymoon, we had two shorter, lower-cost ones, one with her and one without. Felt like the perfect compromise - celebration as a couple, and then as a newly cemented family of three.

Would this work for you, OP?

Tomodachi · 07/04/2015 17:50

Two of my friends married their childrens fathers and left their (joint) kids at home while they went off on honeymoon - why not?

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 07/04/2015 17:53

A honey moon is an adult only holiday in my eyes.

You can arrange a family holiday holiday anytime.

kittensinmydinner · 07/04/2015 18:02

We had this nonsense years ago when we got married. The clue is in the title ! It's a honeymoon, not a family holiday ! We got around it easily by getting married on a 'contact' Sunday. Dsc were returned as normal at 7 in the evening. We went on holiday for a week the next day. As it was a normal week with their mum, no one was any the wiser. Honeymoons are for newly weds to enjoy the celebration of their marriage NOT for children. If you WANT to turn it into a family holiday and take a child then that is your prerogative, but don't feel any guilt about going without them ! We didn't tell ex we were going, she had already connived to make the children unavailable for the wedding on the two dates we booked we didn't make the same mistake the third time. Children seem to have 'survived the trauma' !

swingofthings · 07/04/2015 18:03

A honeymoon is a celebration of the marriage, not a family holiday. I went on my honeymoon with my children because I wanted it to be time to dedicate to my newlywed husband. As it is, some aspect of the holiday they would have enjoyed, but some they would have hated (such as the 10 hours hike we did!)

My children stayed with my mum who took them away on a fun week, so they didn't miss out at all. And this year, I am taking them to a fantastic holiday (without my husband, it isn't his style of holiday anyway), so they certainly didn't miss out.

Themrmen · 07/04/2015 19:43

We're getting married next year and our joint ds and dsc are all staying at home, this is the one time in our relationship that is doley about us and celebrating out life together. We have the next 16-18 years of family holidays and 5 days for an adults only guilt free holiday (although I suspect inlaws and ex will kick off about it, I couldn't give two shites)

ashtrayheart · 07/04/2015 19:51

I would go away when he is with his mum

pickles184 · 07/04/2015 21:21

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer in whether children should join in with a honeymoon holiday or not. It really is individual to each family unit as to what preferences are.

If I was faced with this particular issue I would base my decision on whether or not we could afford both a honeymoon and family holiday in the same year. If yes then I would be making very little of the honeymoon in front of dss so that he doesn't feel he is being left out and concentrating on getting him excited about being involved in the wedding and then planning a nice family break. If we couldn't manage to do both then I would be booking a family holiday and forgoing the idea of a honeymoon or ideally booking a week or two off work and having a 'home honeymoon' doing fun and relaxing things together, little day trips, pampering, activities etc.. so that we didn't miss the time to relax and focus on each other iyswim

yellowdaisies · 07/04/2015 22:26

We went away without the children for our honeymoon, for 10 days which was the longest I'd ever been away from mine. It was lovely and a real chance to have some time just being a couple. We took the DC/DSC away on a family holiday later in the year. I don't think any of them expected to be included on the honeymoon.

You should definitely have at least a few days together with just the two of you. It's really important to feel that you are a couple, as well as a family

Original poster

FaithLoveandHope · 07/04/2015 23:24

Thanks all. Think we'll just go away when DSS is with his Mum and not bother mentioning it. Since we haven't set a date yet neither DSS or his mum know when the wedding is and whilst we will tell DSS about the wedding, we won't bother mention going away at all. We've never been abroad together yet and we like places we can walk / see the sights which DSS would probably find boring so it'll be nice to do those things. As pp said (sorry I'm on my phone so difficult to scroll and see who) we've another 13/14 years or so of family holidays.

To posters who've said its not her business - I wish that were true. Unfortunately she makes everything her business, even when DSS isn't here.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 08/04/2015 00:53

Thing is I suppose, the word Honeymoon was concocted in those far off days when it meant, after getting hitched you spent a holiday together, getting to know one another.... before kids came along! Bit irelevant now I suppose, but I would still agree that, even if you have to farm the kids out, have that one blissful time, with nobody else to consider but yourselves. It'll be a long time before it'll come your way again!!!

britishbakeoffblues · 08/04/2015 04:01

We had a honeymoon and didn't invite DSD.
She wasn't bothered and neither was her mum, my now ex-husband went on about it for the whole holiday - how he'd never go on another 2 week holiday as it was too long to be away from her, how she would love this, and love that. I wanted to knock him out by the end of the holiday!

Whereisegg · 08/04/2015 09:29

If you think it will help, could you say the trip was a surprise present and you only had a few hours notice to pack?
I don't usually think lying is helpful at all but that vs a whole load of grief for however long...

Original poster

FaithLoveandHope · 08/04/2015 11:30

whereis DP and I had a chat yesterday and he said he's not going to say anything to his ex. We'll just ensure we book for when she has DSS. He said it's none of her business and he couldn't care less whether she likes it or not. Tbh even if DSS does find out (as we wouldn't specifically keep it from him or lie about it) I don't think he's going to be harmed - he's had a lifetime of his dad showing him love (and from me from around 18 months) and will continue to be loved for the rest of our lives.

OP posts:

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