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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepmothers: how would you feel about this?

31 replies

clearsommespace · 04/04/2015 21:50

I have some long forgotten slides of our childhood which I have scanned and I am working on a photobook for DF significant birthday. Inevitably DM appears in some of the pictures but most are just me and siblings. All pictures are taken 10 years before DF met my step-mother (by which time the youngest of us was already late teens).

Do you think my step-mother could be upset by this gift? She and DM never got on but DM passed away years ago. I don't want to offend but I think DF will enjoy seeing these images which have been in a box in my loft since DM died.

I can't exclude the images of DM because I only just have enough images to fill the pages of the smallest photobook available.

OP posts:

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hesterton · 04/04/2015 21:53

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Original poster

clearsommespace · 04/04/2015 21:56

Thanks for your response.

Because if it is a hurtful gift (albeit unintentionally) I think she would be hurt by me thinking it's a lovely idea as much as by the book itself.

OP posts:

Tutt · 04/04/2015 22:00

To be honest if my DS gave me an album with his father and myself in the same photo I'd be hurt, if my SS gave his Father (my DH) an album with his ex in I'd be hurt as they weren't together longer than I blink of the eye.

I thinkit is a really lovely idea and if your parents were married for a long while then mybe ok but it is tricky.

Original poster

clearsommespace · 04/04/2015 22:03

They were married over 20 years and there is only one photo where they appear together with us children. All the others are just us kids or or one parent (presumably the other was behind the camera).

OP posts:

Tutt · 04/04/2015 22:05

Go for it, think it's a lovely idea and just 1 photo would be ok with me.
Although if it was my ex in the photo I'd have to scribble over his face :)

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 04/04/2015 22:06

I'd tell her you have done it and that you don't mean to cause any harm. You just want a nice book of memories for your dad.

If dsd or dsd done this right now for dp I'd probably be a bit pissy but I'd never say because it's a thoughtful gift and its really nice you are considering her feelings.

years down the line I doubt I'd be bothered. Your SM might think it's a great idea and or not give it too much thought. It's an innocent gift.

Bet your dad loves it.

Maybe83 · 04/04/2015 22:07

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Original poster

clearsommespace · 04/04/2015 22:11

Yes, AlwaysTrying, given the fairly positive response, I think I'll go for it and warn her in advance so DF's surprise isn't a shock to her!

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 04/04/2015 22:13

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Goodpresentideaplease · 04/04/2015 22:19

Tricky one. I would have a quiet word with dsm first if I were you as even if she is not hurt she may well 'smart' a bit at seeing it.

I must admit I don't much like the fact that MIL has photos with DH and his ex up in montage frames. Maybe because they were together for 5yrs and we have been together over 20yrs now, who knows? I am not jealous of the ex but I still don't like it if I'm honest.

Goodpresentideaplease · 04/04/2015 22:20

Cross posted but agree do it and warn her first.

Elllimam · 04/04/2015 22:28

If you are struggling for photos anyway could you not make it over a longer time scale and include a few photos of your step mum?

Elllimam · 04/04/2015 22:30

Never mind just noticed it's slides you are working from. Agree it sounds like a lovely idea.

CocaKoala · 04/04/2015 23:37

It wouldn't bother me. At the end of the day I know DH had a life before me and it's part of his past with his DC.

My mum still has old photos of my dad and I and photos of their wedding. Both my parents have since remarried. Mum's first wedding photos aren't on show but are in an album. I used to love sitting there as a child and flicking through it - even if it was sometimes to just laugh at their dodgy hairstyles!

It sounds a lovely and thoughtful gift.

AmyElliotDunne · 04/04/2015 23:44

I'd talk to her about it. I hate seeing pics of DP with his ex, but I apprecieate that it's nice for their DCs to see them happy together. Seeing them in the DCs' rooms is something I've come to accept but when they crop up unexpectedly in various cupboards and drawers they always give me a little jolt!

If some time down the line, his DDs made a book like yours I would feel a bit hurt if there were photos of the two of them together in there, but not so much if it was just pics of the DCs and their mum. If you can balance it out with pics of step mum later in the book so that it is a full chronological family history then it makes more sense of the pics of his previous DW.

I think explaining the thought behind it and pointing out that these are otherwise pics that would never see the light of day, I'm sure your step mum will be understanding.

Original poster

clearsommespace · 05/04/2015 06:23

The thing is by the time she became part of our lives, we were no longer cute looking kids and all but youngest sibling was at uni. None of us except step-mother had a camera so although I have prints of family events during that time, they are copies of her pictures, which are easily accessible /displayed in their home. Apart from school photos and one of those posed studio shots of the siblings as pre-schoolers/babies, we only have these few slides of our childhood, and some of them are blurry or overexposed.
Thanks for your advice. I will go ahead and order and let her know in advance to avoid a jolt.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 05/04/2015 07:44

I think it's fine. You shouldn't feel you can't enjoy your childhood memories with your DF just because DSM wasn't there.

But to help make sure she's not feeling excluded, why not finish it off with a single up to date photo of you all that includes your DSM?

Themrmen · 05/04/2015 07:51

I think it's a lovely gift, I wouldn't mind. You can't erase 20 years of marriage and raising kids together, she is bound to be in a couple if photo but I agree just mention you're doing it so not a shock

pastaofplenty · 05/04/2015 08:20

Did you DF and DM split before she passed away? Or did your DF re-marry after she had died? Sorry if I've missed that - but that would be the deciding factor for me and probably for your DF.
If it's the former then no I don't think it is a good idea and don't imagine your DF would want it either - though I'm sure he would want pics of his children.
However if your parents were together up until her death (sorry if that sounds blunt) then as a SM I would have no problem with it at all.

polycomfort · 05/04/2015 09:05

I think you need to give a lot more info about the relationships. When I was with my exDH his ex made my life a living hell. She never died () but had she done and his dd did this I would have hated it.

needaholidaynow · 05/04/2015 10:47

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Quesera21 · 05/04/2015 20:39

coca/never - some common sense and an adult perspective on the subject

The children came from 2 parents and to pretend /get upset that there are photos of the former life is quite juvenile.

there will have been happy moments with the EX, v few relationships with multiple children are all bad

Findingpeace · 05/04/2015 20:52

I think it's a lovely idea and you should go ahead with it. But as others suggest pre-warn your dsm.
If my dsc did this I would see it as a lovely gift for their df. However, after a brief look I probably wouldn't want to see it again. When the dsc pull out old pictures I'll join in in looking at them for a bit then busy myself with something else. I think it's healthy for them to all do this, but I equally think it's healthy for me to recognise the jolt I feel and that I don't want to join in on their reminiscing.

PeruvianFoodLover · 05/04/2015 21:27

I imagine the reaction of the stepparent will depend on their perception of their DPs ex - which they will have formed over time based on their own observations as well as the impression given by the DCs and their Dad.

Speaking as a Mum who has an 'ex' though, OP - are you sure this gift will be welcomed by your dad?

You say that your DM and DSM 'never got on' - it is the reasons for that which may dictate whether this gift is welcome or not.

If, for instance, your DM behaved very badly towards your DSM (even if that was out of character for her compared to while she and your DF were together) then it is less likely to be welcomed as a gift by your DF. He may well have reevaluated his opinion of your Mum based on her behaviour towards your DSM.

All too often, it is the behaviour of one party after a split that creates hostility between exs who, up until that point, may have been cordial. For instance, my ex behaved appallingly after we split - my lasting memories of him are of his spiteful, abusive behaviour - and I wouldn't welcome a gift that included images of my life with him; even though we were happy and in love at the time.

While these pictures may mean something to you, it is possible that they will be received differently by your Dad.

Storm15 · 06/04/2015 19:58

Even if I did find looking at the pictures a bit awkward, I wouldn't dream of showing it.

The past is the past. And we're taking about adults here.

It sounds like a lovely present.

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