I am excluded and it's killing our relationship

[Zayna99]

I'm probably in the wrong forum as I haven't even had a chance to be a step parent to my dp's daughter. We have been living together for two years, and it was only a few months ago that I got to meet his 9 year old daughter. We had a nice day out, but since then, her mother has banned any future visits, and the child isn't allowed to come and visit her father or grandparents in his home town - my partner has to travel to visit the daughter and his ex partner every time, and it's 400 miles away.

My name isn't allowed to be mentioned. There is no rational explanation for this, his ex knows me, I didn't split them up, we're not trying to take the child off her, he's a great dad, pays her plenty of maintenance and does everything he can to please both mother and child.

I cannot bear the situation much longer. I feel so excluded and it's like they (the parents) are living some kind of double life. My partner says its because his ex is possessive and afraid she will lose her child.

I sometimes think I should just let them get on with it but it's eating away at me. It's such a big part of his life that I'm excluded from, and I'm expected to put up and shut up and not talk about it.

I've no children of my own. Consequently my partner does not think I should have an opinion as I've no idea how he or his ex feels...

Does anyone have any opinions at all? Am I to sit in the background and just accept that he goes and visits once a month, for four or five days, sometimes staying under the same roof as his ex.... if I ring, he can't answer his phone if his ex or his child are present...

How would you all feel? Is it me that's wrong?

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

There was a time when I would have married him. I'm not so sure now. And how on earth would he break it to his child and his ex?

With the property thing, he's not trying to get his hands on my equity, not like that. Everything would be legally contracted, there's no way he would let me hand over my share of the cash without a contract, we did discuss this a while ago...

I had an ex like this. He was a wonderful man with a complicated and messy past. He wanted to keep the different elements of his life separate - to "compartmentalise" to use his word. It was simpler and less upsetting/confusing for him that way.

Like you, I was patient for a very long time to give him space to work things through. But, it gradually dawned on me that he wasn't using the time to work things through at all. My patience, understanding and sacrifice had, in fact, simply enabled him to keep things separate longer.

He would do anything for "an easy life". I was always expected to compromise because his ex was such a witch. So being reasonable ended up being a curse.

I wish you lots of luck in this very difficult situation. It's extremely complicated and emotionally difficult. The failure to resolve it was, was a large factor in the unravelling of our relationship.

Earlybird, I'm very sorry to hear what happened, and even sorrier to realise that it is very similar to what is happening to me. I would love for him to wake up and realise how much damage this is doing, but sadly, I think he'll continue to live his 'easy life' and it will result in the end of what was once a lovely relationship. We were so right for each other. If only he would realise that he is hurting me. He can't see it. Or maybe he just won't, and is burying his head in the sand hoping it will all go away.

just a thought....9yr old daughter is fully aware of the situation...possible that her mother has told her that if you werent in the picture, you could be a family again.

the "staying in a travel lodge & going shopping" is a cosy family image and i just dont understand it...my ex wanted to come up next weekend & go to bonfire party with us - its not his weekend and I believe it will confuse the children - people may not agree but as far as my children are concerned, they have accepted daddy doesnt live with us anymore and to start going out like this is pretending to be something we;re not

birthdays & Xmas ARE different

I totally agree with all posts
calmly suggest that your DP stands up to ex and that you will go up & meet DD for a couple of hours and take it slowly

if your DP doesnt want to put you first or at least equal to his DD, then is this the future you want or deserve.....

I think prettybird is spot on, waiting for this man to include you just gives him more time to get used to the fact he?s excluding you, and the longer you allow it to happen, the less likely things are to ever change. As you?ve tried discussing this without being able to resolve it, I would write him a letter along these lines:

?I?ve tried talking to you about the way I feel about the fact that I am not allowed to have any part in life, but talking just seems to lead to more conflict and to words being twisted and arguments, so I wanted to write down exactly how I am feeling without giving you the wrong idea. is such a huge part of your life, and I think that that is so wonderful, especially considering the distance between you, and considering how common it is for fathers to lose touch with their children following a separation, I would never want you to give up the relationship you have with her. But I am a huge part of your life as well, and I feel that I am being excluded from one of the most important parts of your life, and when you go to see it feels as if I?m not a part of your life at all. I have never stated that I don?t want you to see your dd, but as your partner, I do feel that your dd should be allowed to develop a relationship with me, and that she should be allowed to meet her father?s partner ? after all, I am going to be staying in your life and it is therefore natural that your dd would ultimately get to know me ? she has a right to know that her father is with someone else now. I know that has given you a hard time, but you have moved on and you two are no longer together, it is not right that she has such a hold over you. As father you have rights, regardless of what says, and you should have the right to have your dd to stay over here, on weekends, with you, and me. Your ex does not have the right to prevent you from doing that, and if she says otherwise she is wrong, and you could go to court to prove it. I know it?s easier just to give in to ex for a quiet life, but you are worth so much more than that and so is your dd. You know I love you, but I think that if you are unable or unwilling to stand up to ex and fight for your rights as a father, and include me in a relationship with your dd, then our relationship does not have much of a future. I want to sell my house and buy a house with you and spend the rest of my life with you, but how can I share everything I have with you, when you are only prepared to share the bits with me that allows you to.?

And tbh, if he is then unwilling to take any of that on board I would cut your losses and walk away.

This is fantastic. I have copied and pasted it and amended it, and I am also in the process of copying bits of other posts and adding them in as well. He's not going to like it one bit I'm afraid. But at least it will tell him how I feel, because I just can't talk to him any more.

Last night he kept saying I wish you'd tell me whats the matter, and I simply could not get any words out at all. We sat in silence most of the night, it was horrendous.

I have asked if we can meet after work and have tea somewhere. I will tell him I have written him a long letter explaining how I feel but I won't give it him in a pub, I will get the timing right.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am to you all. What a fantastic board this is. I came here with my tail between my legs, wondering if I was going to get flamed to death for daring to say anything like this, expecting everyone to be like my dh and say 'of course his child shouldn't be told the truth and you should stay out of it', and you've given me confidence and hope, for which I thank you all.

If this goes the wrong way and I end up without him, I'll get over it and probably have a more peaceful life. So whatever happens, I will end up a happier person.

Z x

Message withdrawn

So glad to read that Zayna

Hope it goes well, do keep us updated

Good luck for tonight

I'm nearly on page 4.

I'm not sure whether this is a good idea or not now. It's all coming out and I can't stop....

Well done. It may have more impact on paper.

Men just don't get how women feel and then claim that we are unreasonable when it really isn't the case. It's just men not wanting to face emotions or having to make an effort to change things.

As you say, either he'll read it and acknowledge how you feel by including you in future, or he'll read it and things will stay the same, which will give you an answer. But at least you'll know exactly where you stand.

I can relate to how you feel. My dh's ex won't meet me or speak to me. The children come and stay every weekend and I made a big point of telling dh in front of them that he was to invite her to our wedding so they would know that the situation was not of my making. It is horrid because you feel as though you're being punished for nothing. My dh also doesn't answer his phone if I ring whilst he is at his ex's house so I'm not sure there is anything terribly culpable in that. But I think if he isn't prepared to include you in all aspects of his life, I am inclined to agree with those who have said try to get him to see your point of view, but if he doesn't, walk away. Perhaps you should make the point that it is difficult to make a serious commitment to someone who is not prepared to share all of their life with you... Good luck!

How did it go Zayna?

Hope you're OK

Thanks for your concern, how nice.

I decided that I would tell him I'd written him a letter but wait for the right time to give it to him. So I did tell him but we went out last night, I had far far far too much to drink and it just wasn't the right time. I felt so relieved after I'd written it all down and got it straight in my mind, and I think that's why I drank so much wine - I felt like I was celebrating something even though he didn't get the letter.

I think he will get to read it, I'm just not sure when. I feel a whole lot better for writing it down... though terribly hungover...

Glad you feel better about things - despite the hangover

Please give him the letter as soon as you can, the longer you leave it the more time you will have to talk yourself out of it. He needs to read that letter, he needs to know exactly how you feel

Any news Zayna99?

Are you OK Zayna?

Hi Guys... Thank you so much for thinking about me.

Well I haven't given him the letter but we have had several discussions (some of them overheated and not very nice at all) where I recited bits of the letter to him. It was good that I wrote it all down because I was able to come out with proper statements and things to back them up with, rather than just ranting and getting upset.

The upshot is that he's not prepared to include me in his daughters life because it will jeopardise his relationship with his daughter, send his ex into orbit which will then lead to him being banned from seeing his own child by his ex. I have tried to tell him that he should get a lawyer, but he believes that because he was the one to leave, the courts would allocate him one morning a week to visit his child, and as he lives 400 miles away, this is not feasible.

He believes every word of the bullshit that comes out of his mouth. I am going to try my hardest to live with the 'exclusion', because quite frankly, him and his ex are behaving like a pair of loons. It's ludicrous. And the poor child is stuck inbetween these two, living in some kind of panto land.

My plan is to focus on myself, have nice things to do while he's away, and leave them all to their charade....

I sincerley thank each and every one of you who contributed to this thread, I haven't forgotten a word you said - in fact, a lot of your comments are in this letter!

I dare say I'll be back for another rant in due course...

Zayna xxx

Hi Zayna,

I'm new here and I've just sat and read all of this. When I started dating my DH (I shall try and get abbreviations right!) it was excatly the same situation as you. A couple of years down the line I still feel an outsider a lot of the time as his ex makes things as hard as she can, to the point of saying I'm not allowed to be alone with his DD! His ex is the only person who feels this way; even some of her family think she is over reacting and should just accept the situation.

I am lucky in the fact that I can talk to my DH - even though alot of the time there is nothing he can do as his ex is so completely unpredicable - to the point of scary at times.

I know how much this all gets to you and how you can feel completely excluded and worthless.

My mum gave me the best advice which I hope may help you; just continue with your life and be as happy as you can ( that way you won't go completely mad ) but his ex will need your help before you will ever need hers!

(In my case it worked and I hsd my first solo night of babysitting two weeks ago as she couldn't get anyone else!)

I truely wish you the best of luck
x

zayna
i am married to a man who has 3 children with his exwife.
for the past 7 years every other weekend he goes to see them (an hour and a halfs drive away)
i am not allowed to go. the ex would not let me see the children in the beginning (dh went along with it for an easy life and so he could see his kids) and it snowballed. now the children dont want to see me, think they hate me, although they dont know me.
i recenly saw one of them as my husband and i have a 6mth old baby and she wanted to see him. i was more than happy with this and the day was very pleasant. she was chatty and very pleasant and seemed to bond with her half brother. ( it was cancelled 3 times before it actually happened because the daughter was worried about what the mother would think)
the other 2 havent met their half brother and im not sure they will for some time.
its a hard situation for everyone but if you truely love your man then you will understand how important his relationship with his kids are and support him. when you met him he already had kids so you knew you would be sharing him with them....
i really hope you can come to terms with the situation, i know how hard it can be. in the early days i would often be in tears on a saturday morning when he went. but now its just part of life and i accept it.
its hard. i hope you can sort things out so you all happy.

This is a thread from a year ago guys - not sure if Zayna is still around.

Your not alone , i hve been married to my husband for 5yrs who has a ex wife and 3 kids . i have never been allowed to see them becouse the ex says so.We have a 3 yr old now my husbands kids want to see her but i dont think i should allow it, if im not to be apart of there life why should my daughter be taken to the other life of my husbands,i feel i have no control , i have wanted to end my marriage but in the back of my mind i think this is not forever we will have are life together one day.

hi xmas.
i would stick to your guns on that one. I intend to. If my husbands children want to be involved with their half brother then they have to accept me to. im not asked for them to be best friends with me or anything like that but just to accept that im am their half brothers mummy and i will be there too if they want to see him.
All they have to do is not be rude to me.
its not much to ask