Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I am excluded and it's killing our relationship

74 replies

Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 15:50

I'm probably in the wrong forum as I haven't even had a chance to be a step parent to my dp's daughter. We have been living together for two years, and it was only a few months ago that I got to meet his 9 year old daughter. We had a nice day out, but since then, her mother has banned any future visits, and the child isn't allowed to come and visit her father or grandparents in his home town - my partner has to travel to visit the daughter and his ex partner every time, and it's 400 miles away.

My name isn't allowed to be mentioned. There is no rational explanation for this, his ex knows me, I didn't split them up, we're not trying to take the child off her, he's a great dad, pays her plenty of maintenance and does everything he can to please both mother and child.

I cannot bear the situation much longer. I feel so excluded and it's like they (the parents) are living some kind of double life. My partner says its because his ex is possessive and afraid she will lose her child.

I sometimes think I should just let them get on with it but it's eating away at me. It's such a big part of his life that I'm excluded from, and I'm expected to put up and shut up and not talk about it.

I've no children of my own. Consequently my partner does not think I should have an opinion as I've no idea how he or his ex feels...

Does anyone have any opinions at all? Am I to sit in the background and just accept that he goes and visits once a month, for four or five days, sometimes staying under the same roof as his ex.... if I ring, he can't answer his phone if his ex or his child are present...

How would you all feel? Is it me that's wrong?

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

OP posts:
happybiggirl · 30/10/2006 15:53

Message withdrawn

NothingButAttitudeOnMN · 30/10/2006 15:55

Hi welcome to MN,

To me it sounds like his ex is being totally out of order, she is obviously using the child to hold on to some kind of control over your partner.

He is in a difficult situation, he wants to keep seeing his daughter and is doing the right thing by going up their as the child having both parents around is a priority.

However he really needs to develop a back bone and stop his ex demanding such ridculous things such as not mentioning you and not being able to take your calls. Slowly slowly is the right way to go but this is just taking the mickey and is not on.

Does she have a new partner?

Original poster
Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 15:55

I'm sure he has rights, but he won't rock the boat. He thinks he knows all about his rights, but I think he only knows what people in the pub have told him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 15:59

No, she doesn't have a new partner.

Also, she says to my partner that she doesn't want another woman in her child's life. Is it up to her? Can she dictate that my partner has to pretend he is single and living with his parents?

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 30/10/2006 15:59

This is a ridiculous situation and his ex is controlling him via the child. He should be sticking up for you not pretending you don't exist so his ex doesn't sulk, am angry on your behalf
I think two years is long enough for her to realise that you don't want to steal her child and I am not surprised that you are getting peed off. I would be putting my foot down iiwy. What is happening at Christmas time?

NothingButAttitudeOnMN · 30/10/2006 16:03

It is no doubt a control issue, especially as she doesn't have a partner. I can gurantee that as soon as she has a serious relationship she will not care one jot about you.

However you should not have to wait till then, you are a serious part of his life and shouldn't be hidden away like some dirty secret.

I would ask your partner if when his ex starts seeing someone else are the same rules going to be applied to him.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 16:06

I just don't know what to do. I can't stand up for myself. We have many arguments over this and I always end up losing. There is no way I can 'win' apart from ending our relationship and I really don't want to do that.

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 30/10/2006 16:12

You can stand up for yourself but you musn't whatever you do make your dp feel like he has to make a choice. Or rather he does have to make a choice, but the choice is between you and his ex not you and his dd.
It is not ok to make you unhappy just because his xe want's him to, he is putting her feelings before yours and that is not acceptable.
If this is a flashpoint for you and him why not try writing down logicaly how you feel and email it to him as that way you can get your opinion accross without being overemotional.

Freckle · 30/10/2006 16:15

Were they married? If so, then contact may be set out in a court order. If she is abusing that order by refusing to allow him to see his daughter in accordance with the terms of that order, then he can apply back to the court to have it enforced.

I can see that he probably wouldn't want to do that as it would probably make for a very bitter relationship in the future. However, he has to show that, much as his daughter comes first (as she must), your feelings outweigh those of his ex.

He is effectively saying that you are not a part of a huge chunk of his life and that is very unfair. I would not suggest that you make him choose between you and his daughter (because you will lose), but he has to choose not to exclude you to this extent. If his ex continues to behave so unreasonably then he has to take a stand.

I'm sure that any court would allow him to have his daughter at his home for holidays and the like and he should insist on that so that you can be a family together. You are not going to take his daughter from her mother, but you should be allowed to create another home for her.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 16:20

He was not married to his ex. They had a very bitter relationship which is why he left, their fighting was upsetting the child and he couldn't stay with his ex any longer. So he is carrying a lot of guilt for leaving.

But then, is he covering something else up? I don't know what he says to his ex and his child. Is it HIM who doesn't want me in his child's life? Though he says not, he is forever saying that he doesn't want to "break his daughter's heart", and I'm wondering if that means he daren't tell her he's got a girlfriend?

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 30/10/2006 16:33

Message withdrawn

Freckle · 30/10/2006 16:36

Children are resilient. I bet there are a number of children in her class at school whose parents are separated and have step-parents in one form or another. She will be quite used to the idea, especially as her parents have been apart for 2 years.

Including you in his life with his dd will not break her heart. There is nothing to stop him demanding reasonable contact arrangements and, if his ex partner will not agree to that, he can apply to court. If he's not prepared to do that, then I think you have to look at the message he's sending you.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 16:37

I can accept not being part of his child's life during the first six or even 12 months of our relationship. But two and a bit years is too long to be excluded, imho. What on earth is his daughter going to think if they keep this up for another two years and then she finds out in years to come that he has had a partner since she was six years old? Will she not be bothered, or will she hate me or will she hate her dad for lying to her?

OP posts:
beckybraAAARGHstraps · 30/10/2006 16:40

When my mum got together with her partner, his daughter refused to see her for 4 years. And she was in her thirties. She came round in the end.

400 miles is a long way .

Freckle · 30/10/2006 16:42

She will probably lose trust in her dad if she sees that he can keep something this fundamental from her. I would wonder why he felt I couldn't be told and then doubt anything else he told me as he has shown that he can lie extremely well.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 16:45

Another thing is that he keeps having a go at me because I won't sell my house and buy a property with him. He wants us to move forward in our relationship, he says he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, but how can I give everything up when there is this massive part of his life that I'm excluded from?

Whenever I raise the issue, he rants at me and says that I'd only be happy if he stopped seeing his daughter, and nobody is ever going to stop him seeing her. It's the last thing I want. Why would I want that?

OP posts:
Freckle · 30/10/2006 16:55

Then turn it round and tell him that, far from wanting him to stop seeing his daughter, you positively encourage him to do that and that you want to see her and be a part of her life too.

Do you have any plans to have children together? If he is prepared to exclude you from the life of an existing child, would you want to have a child with him? A good relationship is all based on trust. He clearly doesn't trust you enough to include you in every aspect of his life. What on earth does he think would happen if you were introduced to his dd as his life-long partner?

Original poster
Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 16:58

No, we won't be having children. I'm 45 now, and past it! No offence to anyone who is 45 and not past it, but I've never wanted children, and neither did he... his daughter was not planned. Well, not by him anyway...

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 30/10/2006 16:58

Zayna this has absolutely infuriated me, I'm so bloody angry for you! How dare he suggest you shouldn't have an opinion just because you have no children? If my DP said that to me I'd leave him! Seriously, I'd be gone like a bloody shot!

He needs to grow some bollocks where his ex is concerned - how much longer is he going to let her dictate his life? Totally agree with others who have said his daughter will come first - and quite rightly so - but to put his ex before you?? Personally I wouldn't have hung around for 2 years!

And what are your current living arrangements - have I read it right that he lives with you in your house? If so, you're spot on not to sell the house

I have to go now - sorry. I'll come back to this tomorrow

Welcome to Mumsnet btw

wannaBe1974 · 30/10/2006 17:00

?if I ring, he can't answer his phone if his ex or his child are present...?

tbh this alone would set some alarm bells ringing for me. You say they parted because of constant fighting and yet he goes and stays with her for 4/5 days at a time? And I assume that you aren?t allowed to talk to him for that period because his ex doesn?t approve? Are you absolutely sure that she is his ex, because although I know some very bitter women who will only allow access to the children on their terms, most of them actually hate their ex?s and would never allow them to stay under the same roof as them while they were visiting their children, and those who have separated on amicable enough terms to allow the ex to come and stay generally want their ex, and their children to be happy.

There is no reason why your dp shouldn?t be allowed to have proper access to his dd, and if he doesn?t currently have a court order in place then he should be able to apply to the courts for proper access. If he is unwilling to do that, then I would say there?s something more to this that he?s not telling you.

I would say you should have a serious talk, explain to him that you absolutely want him to have a relationship with his dd, but that you also want to be a part of her life, after all, you are his partner now and might want to have children of your own in the future and your dd would have siblings then that she might want to get to know ? and taking your potential future children to stay with your dp?s ex certainly wouldn?t be an option. I would say that he needs to sort this out for his own sake as well as yours, because as a father he has more rights and you feel that his ex is being unfair and that you are excluded from the most important part of his life and it?s hurting you. If he is unable or unwilling to act on that, then I would seriously question whether your relationship has a future tbh.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 17:02

I have to leave my computer now but will be back tomorrow. Can I just thank everyone who has replied. I feel so much better for getting all this off my chest. I've had no support from anyone with this, (in real life, anyway...) and feel very lonely. His his family - though they love me dearly - are participating in the sham and have to take his side, obviously.

OP posts:
webcrone · 30/10/2006 17:09

Zanya99 - it's a difficult situation you're in but from what you've written, you having a relationship with his daughter seems to be non-negotiable as far as your dp is concerned, at least for the time being. It leaves you with either accepting this gracefully, however unreasonable his behaviour might seem, and waiting to see what the future brings (things have a habit of changing all by themselves, although not always in ways we expect), or not. AFAIC, too many women waste too much of their lives worrying about, or trying to change, unreasonable behaviour in men.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 17:14

webcrone, thanks. I wish I didn't feel the way I do. I wish I could just ignore the fact that he has a daughter and an ex, but I can't. It's terrible. I wish I could.

OP posts:
Freckle · 30/10/2006 18:41

Well, of course you can't when it takes up such a part of his life - 4/5 days away visiting his ex and dd. I don't know how anyone could ignore that.

It does strike me that you need to have a serious talk - by that I mean really talk, not let him get out of it by shouting or being dictatorial. If he's not prepared to see that, if he wants you to sell your house, settle down with him, be a partner for life, that means being a partner in all aspects of his life, not just those that he choses to include you in.

aregularindisguise · 30/10/2006 19:02

I have just recently found out that my dad has been doing this to me for years. I knew the lady in question was a good friend, I've known her for years, but apparently he has been deliberately hiding from me the fact that they are "together". I suspect part of it may be that he was worried about how my mother would react and understandably he didn't want me to know because I would either tell her or be put in an awful position. He was wrong though - he should have kept everything in the open, he had every right to introduce his partner to the family without subterfuge and my mother would just have had to accept it. She remarried shortly after they split up and has had more children.

It was my dad's partner (feels odd calling her that, because he STILL won't be open with me about them being together) who told me last year about their relationship. She had been telling him for ages that it was ridiculous not to tell me, I am a grown woman with my own children fgs.

I'm pleased that he has someone, pleased that I finally can be pleased for him, but rather sad that he didn't feel he could tell me. Sad that he didn't think I would have the generosity of spirit to be pleased for him - why on earth would I want somebody I love to grow old lonely? Strange

If you do show your dp this thread, maybe my post will give him an insight into how his daughter will feel later if he keeps up this ridiculous charade.