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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I am excluded and it's killing our relationship

74 replies

Zayna99 · 30/10/2006 15:50

I'm probably in the wrong forum as I haven't even had a chance to be a step parent to my dp's daughter. We have been living together for two years, and it was only a few months ago that I got to meet his 9 year old daughter. We had a nice day out, but since then, her mother has banned any future visits, and the child isn't allowed to come and visit her father or grandparents in his home town - my partner has to travel to visit the daughter and his ex partner every time, and it's 400 miles away.

My name isn't allowed to be mentioned. There is no rational explanation for this, his ex knows me, I didn't split them up, we're not trying to take the child off her, he's a great dad, pays her plenty of maintenance and does everything he can to please both mother and child.

I cannot bear the situation much longer. I feel so excluded and it's like they (the parents) are living some kind of double life. My partner says its because his ex is possessive and afraid she will lose her child.

I sometimes think I should just let them get on with it but it's eating away at me. It's such a big part of his life that I'm excluded from, and I'm expected to put up and shut up and not talk about it.

I've no children of my own. Consequently my partner does not think I should have an opinion as I've no idea how he or his ex feels...

Does anyone have any opinions at all? Am I to sit in the background and just accept that he goes and visits once a month, for four or five days, sometimes staying under the same roof as his ex.... if I ring, he can't answer his phone if his ex or his child are present...

How would you all feel? Is it me that's wrong?

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

OP posts:

MistressMiggins · 30/10/2006 19:50

I have to say that I agree with Wannabe1974
sounds odd

I knew a bloke who lived in one town with his gf and then once a week went 50 miles to visit his kids - he said he stayed with a mate but I know that he stayed with his wife.

the wife accepted his job meant he lived away from home

he managed to get both wife & gf pregnant with days of each other - still dont know how he mananged to be at birth of both

BTW I am ex wife - my DH left me yr Nov 5th and moved str in with his mistress.....I now let my kids go & stay with them both however much I miss them & however much I am angry with the pair of them for the hurt they have caused me & the kids....cos I know its right for my children....

maybe showing your DP this thread is a conversation opener.....

Original poster

Zayna99 · 31/10/2006 10:19

I would love to show him this thread, but he would just rant on and on and say that nobody understands, how can people on the internet that you've never met give an opinion, blah blah.

He has no idea how much I'm hurting. He thinks I should have forgotten about it by now - the fact that he had a 'family' holiday. Its horrible, I hate what he's doing to me and I think it's despicable what the parents are doing to the child.

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 31/10/2006 10:37

Zayna do you really think that you're never going to get through to him that what he's doing is wrong? If so why are you still with him? It seems to me that he just wants everything his way and won't listen to reason of any kind

Totally agree with what wannaBe1974 said, and please bear in mind aregularindisguise's post too

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 31/10/2006 10:43

Zayna, even if he isn't still having a relationship with his ex, he is behaving as if he is, which is just not good enough.
And yes he would say how would we understand but actually as a stepmum I do undewrstand the tenuous relationship that exisists between ex's and new partners. It doesn't have to be like this and sorry to say it, he is not showing you much love and understanding atm. If this was the first six months it would be a different story but it is the fact that it is a long period of time that is worrying. Put your foot down, make him see that he is not putting his daughter first but his ex.

Original poster

Zayna99 · 31/10/2006 10:46

I've known his ex for 10 years, I knew them both before they got together, it's a long story but I can honestly say that he won't be sleeping with her when he goes to visit the child, the relationship (which never really existed) fell apart years and years ago and he only stayed under the same roof because of the child. He tried to make a go of it with his ex, but couldn't.

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 31/10/2006 10:54

But Zayna, as Carmenere said, he's still behaving as if they're still having a relationship without a single thought as to what it's doing to you - the woman he's supposed to love and want to spend his life with!

Original poster

Zayna99 · 31/10/2006 10:55

I know. And I have not got a clue what to do next.

OP posts:

piglit · 31/10/2006 10:56

Walk away. You're heading for heartbreak.

NotActuallyAMum · 31/10/2006 10:58

Well I know what I'd do if I were you. I'd sit him down, make him listen, tell him how much he's hurting you and make it clear that him putting his ex before you is killing your relationship and you're not prepared to live like that any longer. Tell him that you wouldn't dream of trying to stop him seeing his daugter but you'd like to get to know her too

NotActuallyAMum · 31/10/2006 10:59

x posts with piglit, can't help thinking she could be right. And if he's not prepared to listen to you, she's definitely right I'm afraid

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 31/10/2006 11:00

Walking away may be a bit premature, you do love this man and this is the only flash point, right? Put your foot down, call his bluff, make him choose between you and his ex. don't listen to the 'it will break my daughters heart crap'. He has to see that it is his ex who is pulling those strings. If his ex was ok about you her dd would be too. End of story.

Original poster

Zayna99 · 31/10/2006 11:04

His reasoning is this... and maybe it's me not getting it. When he travels to visit, he does not stay in the house any more, he did acknowledge that it was wrong and so now stays in a B&B. But when mother brings daughter halfway, they stay in a Travelodge or similar. He takes the daughter out and mother goes shopping. Only last time, they stayed in a chalet and although he had his own room, they were under the same roof. And mother wanted to go with them on a trip somewhere. I did put my foot down and the plans were changed.

The reason he'd decided it was ok for mother to go on the trip was that the daughter had been pleading with her to go with them. I said can you not see what this is doing to her, let alone what it's doing to me?

They have another trip booked in a few weeks time, mother is bringing daughter and friend halfway, it's her birthday and they're all going out, mum, dad, child, friend and friends mother... wrong wrong wrong. But when I say anything, he says how can he not see his daughter on her birthday, why am I trying to stop him seeing her, blah blah.

Or is it not wrong? Is it me being jealous?

OP posts:

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 31/10/2006 11:12

Actually birthdays are the exception and although that is unpalatable, stay out of it and concentrate on the next move.
So you have given in and been wonderful and understanding about the birthday scenario, you deserve some consideration. Next trip you and dp go to stay in the Travel Lodge, he goes off for the day with dd, you go shopping.
Next trip you go with dp, dsd and ex knows you are around, you all meet up for an ice cream, the rest of the time you go shopping.
You get gradually introduced to dsd. Not totally included in her special time but definitely around and eventually you become a normal part of her life.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 31/10/2006 11:13

Original poster

Zayna99 · 31/10/2006 11:18

CreepyCC, that sounds very reasonable and I've suggested it a thousand times. Impossible, he says. It will ruin the weekend because Mother will freak out, and he would rather bring the child here and let her get to know me rather than me go there. BUT HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO BRING HER HERE ANY MORE. The last - and only - time we met, mother rang up just as we were about to go and get some tea, and she was shrieking down the phone about us having a 'cosy effing threesome'. From that second on, I am not allowed anywhere near her child.

I do love this man, but I tell you, I am finding it harder and harder to accept all his baggage.

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 31/10/2006 11:22

Zayna I really am beginning to think you're fighting a losing battle here

He shouldn't be prepared to let his ex dictate his life in this way, and it seems he either can't or won't see that

HappyMumof2 · 31/10/2006 11:42

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Zayna99 · 31/10/2006 11:55

HappyMum, I would GLADLY meet up with his ex, or ring her - I know her quite well but since I started seeing dp, she has cut off all contact with me and anyone who knows me. She hates my guts, calls me names. She does not want my name mentioned, cannot acknowledge that he is seeing someone, let alone me.

I have done nothing wrong, did not steal him from her, and she really should be pleased that it's ME, I have a nice home, a good job and I'm a decent person and she knows my history. If it was my child, I'd be happier with that than my ex going out with someone who I knew nothing about.

I am worried that I am becoming obsessed by all this, it is clouding every day, and I wish I could just let go and let them all get on with the bloody pantomime. I'd give anything to be able to do that.

OP posts:

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 31/10/2006 12:00

Well you can do that. You could just walk away for a couple of months........Tell him you will gladly step back into the picture once he has sorted his relationship with his ex out. TBH you are enabling his behaviour and a break may focus his feelings and if it doesn't, well there you go, he was not right for you.

piglit · 31/10/2006 12:03

But this is taking over your whole relationship. His ex clearly has issues and they will never go away. She knows she has a hold over him and you will have to contend with this for the rest of your relationship. This is so desperately unhealthy for you and it will completely mess with your head and your self esteeem.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 31/10/2006 12:10

My dp stayed with his hideous ex for years because he knew she would do her best to turn the kids against him if he left. And when he left she did. Even though she has a new partner she has sufficiently influenced the youngest dd to cut her dad out of her life. However her older two dc's can see her for what she is and can see that their dad loves them to bits and see how barking their mum is and I predict that when the youngest, who is 15, suddenly cops that her mum lied to her and that her siblings are right in loving their dad, she is going to be very angry indeed with her mum.

I have the utmost of respect for mums like mistressmiggins who put their childrens needs before their own and none for stupid idiots like your dp's ex and my dp's ex who use their children as pawns.

Original poster

Zayna99 · 31/10/2006 12:11

He just will not acknowledge how important it is to me. To us. He goes on and on about me not DOING anything with my life, and that we should sell my house and buy one together. I ask him how he thinks we can do that and still have me sneaking around and being hidden away, and he says it would all change if we got our own place, and mother would have to lump it because he'd be having the child to stay whether she likes it or not.

Why do I not believe a word of that? How is it all going to change overnight? He says I don't trust him, referring to him staying with ex, he thinks I think he's going behind my back with her - thinks I have a problem because my other ex's were unfaithful to me - but it's not about infidelity that I don't trust him, I don't trust his EX. What if we did buy a house together and she said something on the lines of 'you're never seeing your child again unless you get rid of that woman'... then I'll have lost everything. But if I said that to him, he'd say I was being ridiculous...

OP posts:

Original poster

Zayna99 · 31/10/2006 12:13

Just to add to CreepyCCs post, that is also what my dp is afraid of. He has a good relationship with his child and knows that mother will turn her against him. That's why he fannies around mother, he is trying to keep the peace all the time. I am supposed to just put up with this and understand.

OP posts:

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 31/10/2006 12:16

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If so get married. He is looking for a commitment and you are right buying a house wouldn't be sufficient, getting married would. I'm not suggesting you get married to win an argument but if he is saying that a comittment from you would make things more definte in his ex's eyes maybe that is the way to go?

NotActuallyAMum · 31/10/2006 12:22

So he's trying to convince you that he'd stand up to her if he (half) owned a house?? WTF?? Why on earth should things change if you had a joint house? That's just absolute madness! He's trying to blackmail you into selling your house - your security - and putting your equity (which I assume you have?) into a joint house meaning he would own half!

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