introducing new partner to child?

[movingonup2015]

Hi All,

I've just joined the forum and would love some advice if possible please!

I've been seeing a lovely man for over 2 years now, for those 2 years we had to keep it secret as even though he had been separated from his wife for over 2 years they were still going through a divorce so it made things easier as she is a very difficult person to deal with.

I've known him for over 15 years and his wife I've known for about 10 so it's not a biased opinion, I genuinely know she's a very difficult person...

anyway they have a child together and divorce is finalised and most people know that we are together except his ex and his son (son is 9)

I also have had some interaction with his son before we were together and during but obviously he just thinks I'm one of daddy's friends that he bumps into occasionally and that's it.

I keep approaching the subject of being introduced to his son properly, as surely its about time he got to know me so we can both move on with our lives.. we have talked about living together at some point but obviously we can't just spring this onto his son the day we move in together so he needs to get to know me.

Problem is everytime I say well how about I come over to your place this evening whilst your son is there and take it from there but there's always some excuse as to why I can't.. for example the ex has kicked off yet again about something or other as she frequently does and he thinks if I then come over for the evening, the son will then go home and say I've been there, ex will get angry and then start saying all sorts of rubbish about me to turn the son against me...

Surely this is inevitable anyway, she is that type of person unfortunately... I found out via a mutual friend that she's been stalking him on a regular basis - by stalking I mean parking up and walking over to his house to see who is parked there.. now if this were true then surely she would know that I am there a lot of the time and would have twigged by now that we are more than just friends? She tells him on a regular basis she still loves him and wants to give it another go.. but instead of telling her he's moved on he is happy with someone else he just says I'm not interested in giving it another go... i have asked him why he doesn't just tell her about us and he said because it would be rubbing it in her face and he would rather she just found out from someone else because its none of her business what he does and who he sees anyway....

so I'm a bit stumped now as to where to go from here.. he's the type of person that likes to take each day as it comes and deals with things as they happen whereas I'm the type of person that likes to have a 5 year plan, needs to know what's happening in the future and therefore likes to plan for it now rather than wait until it's too late.

another thing that i personally see as a problem but he doesn't is that him and his son always have shared the same bed since he was a baby and again i feel like if we do move in together that's another thing that will have to change because he will no longer be able to sleep in the same bed as his dad. He said I'm worrying over nothing and at some point he will want to go into his own room... well there's been no evidence of that so far so why would he and do we have to wait until he wants to sleep in his own bed before we are allowed to live together?

I just worry that the son now feels its him and daddy and that's how it's going to be forever.. then this girl comes along and its no longer him and daddy and I'm the reason for it and he won't like/accept me and therefore how can it work out if he doesn't accept me?

Sorry for the long despairing post and thankyou for getting this far!

If you have been together 2 years and he still denies your existence as a partner, then that is a huge issue.
How much longer are you prepared to put up with that?

There doesn't seem to be much point worrying about sleeping arrangements when he won't admit you are a couple.

Do other people know you are together? Like his parents?

yes all his friends and family know we are together except his ex and son.

I was prepared to keep it a secret whilst he was still going through the divorce but now there isn't any reason to.

He just doesn't know how to go about telling his son about us and would rather we were introduced to each other as his dads friend before he tells us we are together - he thinks his son is too young to understand because as far as he knows his dad will be coming back home to live with his mum at some point! whether that's something she has told him or whether he believes that because no one else has ever told him any different I don't know...

His son thinks his dad will be moving back in at some point?!
Fucking hell

He needs to be gently told the truth about that waaaaaay before you are mentioned as a gf or he may well join the two events up and make it your 'fault' iyswim?

Is there a court order for contact?

yeah exactly this is where I worry that hes going to think its all my fault that his mum and dad aren't getting back together!

I have tried explaining to him that maybe they should both sit down together and explain to him that his dad wont be coming home but he doesn't like that idea because it will involve him and his ex in another blazing row because unfortunately she always ends up bursting into tears and either kicking off or running out so that conversation doesn't look likely to ever happen! yes there's a court order for contact that they both agreed to.

So he just plans on letting his ds figure out that his parents have split up?

Sorry, but I really can't comprehend this situation at all.

You need to figure out a timescale you are happy with for him having told his son that his parents have split up.
Not as some sort of emotional blackmail towards your partner, but you are just going to find yourself sidelined for years to come!

What about birthdays/christmases/holidays/anniversaries that he has his ds?
How many more years do you spend those alone?
What the hell would he do if you got pg?

well again this is something else I've discussed with him! I'm not getting any younger and we have discussed that we would like children but I've said so what happened if I were to get pregnant now how would you explain that one?? but again he just keeps saying we would deal with it at the time if it happened... its so frustrating as we get on so well but theres just this big stumbling block... I swear sometimes he would rather I was kept secret forever and things could just go on they way they are!

valentines and my birthdays so far I've spent alone because they happen to fall on the days he has his son and he wont rearrange the days as his son gets upset if he doesn't see him on the prearranged days. His birthday he has his son whether it falls on the prearranged day or not so we've never celebrated or been together on significant dates at all.

Christmas morning he has to go over to the ex's house very early in the morning to be there when his son wakes up and opens presents... he doesn't see that changing either so ive asked what happens if/when we have our own child and they would like to see you on xmas morning? but again its always "cross that bridge when we come to it" answers....

sometimes I feel like im banging my head against a brick wall but the responses are always "when you have your child you will realise you will do anything you can to keep them happy and safe and they will always always come first over everything else"

well how can you argue with that!?

"I swear sometimes he would rather I was kept secret forever and things could just go on they way they are!"

And I think you're right to think that.

Honestly, fuck that. You're not some grubby little secret. Yes, there will be fall out, but he needs to deal with that and move on. He sounds very passive, almost like he's used all his energy up on getting this far with the divorce. And that he's petrified of what the fall out will be with his son - does he think she'll withhold contact if she finds out?

I absolutely think that his son should be his first priority, but this is helping no-one.

You say you've known them both for a long time. Do you have any mutual friends? I'd be very tempted to just have someone 'blab' - there will be the mother of all ructions mind you , but at least you'll know where you stand.

Having been in a similar situation, I would suggest that your other half pretends to date a couple of "fake" women before dating you. Yes, it's dishonest but all if the vitriol from the ex will be directed at them and not you. When you "come along" as a date the ex wife should have gotten over herself. I wish we had done it this way, it would have avoided years of pain.
The ex will always find something to kick off about and whilst your other half continues to dance to her tantrums then she'll keep throwing them.

yeah he pretty much has said the divorce exhausted him and he just wants to be "Normal" and get his head together for a while before round 2 kicks off once she finds out about us...

yes we have mutual friends and the really annoying part is anything else they blab but THIS they wont say a thing as they don't want to be the bearer of bad news!

he is concerned she will withhold contact albeit that won't be forever because he has a contact order but she can still make life very difficult for him - honestly the stunts she pulled whilst they were getting divorced goes beyond normal behaviour and I have no reason to believe she wouldn't start it all up again once she finds out about us, but as I keep saying to him, you two are no longer together you've been apart from each other for 4 years now she cant possibly have any hold on you anymore but unfortunately he just wants an easy life and sitting down and explaining to his son about us isn't something he wants to do right now...

hes happy for us to spend time with each other but as mentioned before everytime we arrange for me to pop over one evening when his son is there, something crops up like his son is tired/not feeling well or the ex has kicked off about something so doesn't want to add fuel to the fire...

I just feel like the day of us being a normal couple/family is getting further and further away but don't know what to say to him without him feeling pressurised or me nagging!

Does the ex have anyone else yet? I know you mentioned that she's always going on about trying again but with some people that doesn't stop them being with someone else too!

no as far as I know she isn't with anyone else....according to mutual friends she's always putting stuff on facebook about being single and wishing she had someone to cuddle up to and then in the next breath she rants about how fantastic it is to be single and no one to answer to so I don't think she is....well personally if I was with someone else I wouldn't be stalking my ex and bursting into tears everytime I had a conversation with them but I guess everyone is different?!

I actually really like Sonny's idea. It is dishonest, but it may help to ease tensions.

Lying seems to come naturally to this man, so it shouldn't be too much of a stretch.

You've got so much more to do regarding the son first though, your introduction is waaayyyy down the list of priorities.

I actually suggested sonny's idea a while back! I was going to say I was with someone else and he was going to say he was with someone else so that when she found out I wouldn't be the one to blame for them not getting back together (in her eyes) but somehow that fell by the wayside and he ended up telling people we were together so that's not really an option now...

I just find it very confusing that she's openly admitted to people that she stalks him on a regular basis and checks to see who is at his house yet doesn't know that we are together

Either she's done it at the times I've happened not to be there or she has seen me there but doesn't want to ask him about it for fear he will admit it.. hes always maintained that if she openly asked him if he was seeing someone he would say yes but doesn't want to be the one to bring it up as he feels it would be rubbing her nose in it because he knows she still loves him.

I think in all honesty he is frightened that she is going to turn his son against me and then he will have to make a choice between me and the son - well there wouldn't be a choice to make would there, son would have to come first and I think he knows this hence why he's trying to string it out a bit longer and let him get to know me on a very slow basis...

At some point he's going to have to legitimise you in her eyes, the longer it goes on for the stronger her impression that you are lower than she is on his list of priorities will be when she finally does find out and it comes out that you have been together for quite a long time. The message that will send her is that she and her feelings come before you in his life.

Having experienced the crazy ex for quite a few years, I really feel for you. He can't hide you away for ever. There will be backlash when she find out regardless of whether he tells her, you tell her or someone else tells her and waiting is unlikely to soften that explosion.
Does he have a court order outlining his rights with his Son? Maybe consider getting that in place and then dropping the bomb so to speak. If his son is 9 he has a realtionship with his Dad already and it will be very difficult for the mum to turn him agains him if he has court ordered contact in place.

Sorry, I misread that slightly. My step kids' mum has done her level best to turn them against me. All you can do is be kind and never say a bad word about her infront of the son.
I had all kinds of crap said about me to the step kids. I firmly believe that if you are kind and fair and your OH doesn't allow any rudness towards you that the kid will see for himself that you are not all the things his mum might say you are.
My step kids are fine with me but one of them really struggles with split loyalties as she knows that her mum doesn't like me. I just tell her that its ok for adults not to like each other as long as they can be kind to each other and that I don't mind if her mum doesn't and we can't all like the same people. I liken it to friend in school who she doesn;t get on with but who get on with people she does get on with. She seems to get that and relaxes again. Its heartbreaking really but I can't do anything about what her mum tells her unfortunately.

It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and it eat it I was going to say I was with someone else and he was going to say he was with someone else so that when she found out I wouldn't be the one to blame for them not getting back together (in her eyes) but somehow that fell by the wayside and he ended up telling people we were together so that's not really an option now...

I may be cynical but this to me screams of staking a claim on you in your social circles so that everyone knows you are taken but then reluctant to let his ex or his child know because that means making a stand and having a proper relationship.

The thing is regardless of the ex's feelings towards you (and she probably will turn you into the bad person because I can guarantee once the secret is out someone will let slip that you have been seeing each other for years and you will become the ow) it is actually your DP that is also going to be instrumental in turning his son against you by making you into a dirty little secret and not someone he believes he has the right to be with and is not ashamed of your relationship.

He can make all the excuses in the world (and believe me I know what difficult ex's can be like) but ultimately if he continues to be weak and live his life through his ex's demands then he may as well of stayed with her. If he left for peace of mind and happiness then he needs to stake that claim to happiness by showing her that he has the right to moved on r there will always be a drama of her creating (probably on any special occasion just because she can) that will keep you hidden in the shadows, acting like a mistress.

It is possible that she already knows about you and also knows that she is not supposed to know and all of this cloak and dagger behaviour from your OH is actually eaxctly what she wants. As long as it goes on for, you will never be a big part of her son's life and that it probably quite appealing to her.

It all depends on how strongly you feel about this. Are you prepared to say "I wont spend time with you until she knows that we are in a relationship" ? His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

Ridiculous.

You are up to your ears in a deliberate deception and are happy to harangue the ex. Pot kettle black. You expect to be trusted with the most precious thing she has but you're happy to deceive her. More importantly, you're happy to be with someone happy to deceive his ex - involve a lot of people in that deception (including people you are saying are her friends?) but it's the ex who's difficult?

He's a coward and desperately shirking his responsibilities both to his child and his ex as a co-parent. You're no better.

Oh dear, he is just stringing you along, this is so sad. He clearly isn't so bothered about you moving in with him or he would make it happened.

All he is given you are excuses, one after another and you fall for each of them. He isn't interested in being committed, he just isn't telling you because he is frightened that if he did, you would go and look elsewhere and what he needs is company, just convenient company without the demands of cohabitation.

Who knows what the future holds, but don't be fooled by believing that he is actually trying to make you moving in a possibility and that if it slow to come to fruition, it is because of everyone else but him.

Whatever you feel, don't go and get pregnant. If he doesn't want to commit because he doesn't want the demand of family life, having a baby together is certainly not going to change this.

He is way too entangled in the dynamic with his ex still, insightless and unwilling to change anything.

Don't get caught up in it yourself. And I really wouldn't attempt any games or strategies like a fake new gf. It's enough of a mess as it is.

This really is a case of knowing what you'd be getting into. It's chaos that has no sign of changing and really not how it is for most people with children moving on after divorce.

I'm not having a go at you, 'cos to be honest I think we women (me deffo included) can be so flipping daft where men are concerned! We, sometimes hear what we want to hear, and so ridiculous situations become acceptable! Only my opinion, but I think you should make your decision about whether you want to be the eternal mistress, because that's what it looks like...or you deliver the ultimatum! He has to tell his EW and son about you as couple (however it can best be done), or you walk!But be prepared for it all to go pear shaped, and stand by your decision! Don't even consider 'getting pregnant' as that would really mess things up at the moment. I think you deserve more than someone who wants to keep you as a guilty secret!!

Even if he told his son tomorrow about the split, you are months away from meeting, and months again from moving in.
That's if the son takes things well and the ex doesn't start withholding contact etc.
I doubt your dp will get past telling his son about the split (if he gets that far!) tbh. He's obviously very happy with his separate lives or he would be making plans.

It sounds shit op

I would bet money that he is still sleeping with his ex. In fact I would bet money that when the son goes over on those nights you are supposed to go over and then can't that the ex goes too, and they all play happy families, she stays over and this is why the son is not aware that his parents have split up.

I mean the child is nine ffs. He's not a baby. he knows his parents don't live together, what reason do you think he will have for that? He will have children in his class whose parents don't live together and he will know why. So the only reason he would have for thinking his situation is different is because it is different.

I am fully aware that some ex's can be demanding/controlling/abusive/, but there is far too much in this situation which doesn't add up to any of that but adds up to them actually still being together at least on a part-time basis...

And even if on the remote off-chance that it really is as your partner has told you, you are at best getting into the ultimate disfunctional family. An ex who cries/shouts/hurls abuse because they're no longer together? a child who isn't aware his parents have split up? a man who can't upset his ex at any cost? a child who still sleeps in his father's bed aged nine? What exactly is it which draws you to this relationship op?

Tbh...

The hills are that way run!!!!!!

thanks everyone for replying. Sonny this is pretty much what I feared that she already knows but therefore thinks I'm not important enough to him to let her know and she probably loves this I imagine!

you are all definitely right and something needs to give, I just feel like the nagging pressuring girlfriend when I tell him that she needs to know because his argument is that she doesn't need to know it's none of her business and he doesn't feel its the right time to go barging in and tell his son he is with another woman when he hasn't quite got his head around him and his mum splitting up yet..

I don't want to leave him, believe it or not apart from this keeping it a secret from the ex and son thing he is actually a really lovely guy, would do anything for me (except tell her by the looks of it!) and he has made me happy for the past couple of years.

He's definitely not sleeping with his ex though, he really does hate her after what she put him through and tries to have as little contact with her as possible. I don't agree with him sleeping in the same bed as his son either but when it all kicked off and my other left her and moved into his new house (I wasn't with him at this point) his son was very clingy, wouldn't leave his side, was constantly saying he was frightened in the new house and refused to sleep on his own because he thought someone was going to come and get him in the night so I guess my other half just felt guilty and it just continued after that.

I just don't know how to make him see this is a bad move keeping everything secret from the EW without looking like im nagging or giving ultimatums...