introducing new partner to child?

[movingonup2015]

Hi All,

I've just joined the forum and would love some advice if possible please!

I've been seeing a lovely man for over 2 years now, for those 2 years we had to keep it secret as even though he had been separated from his wife for over 2 years they were still going through a divorce so it made things easier as she is a very difficult person to deal with.

I've known him for over 15 years and his wife I've known for about 10 so it's not a biased opinion, I genuinely know she's a very difficult person...

anyway they have a child together and divorce is finalised and most people know that we are together except his ex and his son (son is 9)

I also have had some interaction with his son before we were together and during but obviously he just thinks I'm one of daddy's friends that he bumps into occasionally and that's it.

I keep approaching the subject of being introduced to his son properly, as surely its about time he got to know me so we can both move on with our lives.. we have talked about living together at some point but obviously we can't just spring this onto his son the day we move in together so he needs to get to know me.

Problem is everytime I say well how about I come over to your place this evening whilst your son is there and take it from there but there's always some excuse as to why I can't.. for example the ex has kicked off yet again about something or other as she frequently does and he thinks if I then come over for the evening, the son will then go home and say I've been there, ex will get angry and then start saying all sorts of rubbish about me to turn the son against me...

Surely this is inevitable anyway, she is that type of person unfortunately... I found out via a mutual friend that she's been stalking him on a regular basis - by stalking I mean parking up and walking over to his house to see who is parked there.. now if this were true then surely she would know that I am there a lot of the time and would have twigged by now that we are more than just friends? She tells him on a regular basis she still loves him and wants to give it another go.. but instead of telling her he's moved on he is happy with someone else he just says I'm not interested in giving it another go... i have asked him why he doesn't just tell her about us and he said because it would be rubbing it in her face and he would rather she just found out from someone else because its none of her business what he does and who he sees anyway....

so I'm a bit stumped now as to where to go from here.. he's the type of person that likes to take each day as it comes and deals with things as they happen whereas I'm the type of person that likes to have a 5 year plan, needs to know what's happening in the future and therefore likes to plan for it now rather than wait until it's too late.

another thing that i personally see as a problem but he doesn't is that him and his son always have shared the same bed since he was a baby and again i feel like if we do move in together that's another thing that will have to change because he will no longer be able to sleep in the same bed as his dad. He said I'm worrying over nothing and at some point he will want to go into his own room... well there's been no evidence of that so far so why would he and do we have to wait until he wants to sleep in his own bed before we are allowed to live together?

I just worry that the son now feels its him and daddy and that's how it's going to be forever.. then this girl comes along and its no longer him and daddy and I'm the reason for it and he won't like/accept me and therefore how can it work out if he doesn't accept me?

Sorry for the long despairing post and thankyou for getting this far!

At best he is a gutless wimp who is scared of his ex. at worst he is a controlling cunning liar who is stringing you and his ex along at the same time. However "difficult" his wife is (frankly if this selfish cunt was married to me I'd be tempted to make his life difficult too) its been 2 years that you and he have been together.

His son, his poor son is being damaged so badly by all this to be honest I think at alone would stop me in my tracks and have me running in the opposite direction. He's treating you badly but his son worse in some ways giving him false hope and not thinking about the fallout for him at all. Please don't have a baby with this man ever. Just cut your losses ASAP

He wouldn't do anything for you though would he? He isn't willing to sort this out, he fobs you off.

He is also insightless about the effect his choices and behaviour is having on his son.

It really doesn't have to be like this for you. If you are happy with your 5 year plan reading "sit back, watch and wait the situation with dp, his ex and child indefinitely as it may never change" then you need not do anything. If you aren't happy with that as a plan then you have some tough decisions ahead.

op, but his words that he hates his ex and his actions are different though, aren't they? Because in one breath he says he hates his ex but in another he doesn't want to hurt her because she is still in love with him? If he hated her that much he would have told her that it is over to the point he has now met someone else, and yet he hasn't.

Think about what you are getting into here. Even if he tells his ex and his ds about you tomorrow, your whole history is going to have to be based on lies. You won't be able to tell his son that you've been together for two years because he will want to know why he wasn't told before. You won't be able to tell the ex that you've been together for two years because she will want to know why she wasn't told before or may kick off over it. So you are going to have to tell them that you've recently started seeing each other, and you are then going to have to keep up that lie for the duration of your relationship, maybe the next five, ten years, until death ... etc... and mutual friends and family will know a different story because they know you. And then if you have children of your own they will need to be told a different story about how you got together.... What will you tell them? the real story or the pretend one?

I know you say he hates his ex etc but you already know he is a lier because he's been lying to his ex and his child for the past two years. You can't know that he's not lying to you about the extent of his involvement with his ex....

Imagine if he died tomorrow. You wouldn't be able to go to his funeral or mourn his loss publicaly because his ds doesn't know you exist.

You are his grubby little secret and you deserve better op.

I would give him an ultimatum. Either he comes clean or it's over. His reaction will tell you all you don't want to know already.

Great post wannabe.

yep you're right. ok so I'm going to tell him he needs to tell her whether he likes it or not and I guess if he chooses no then I know where I stand!

so say he does tell the EW, whats the next step? Does he then tell his son about us or wait until he knows me a bit better by which time he's going to hate me because she'll have dripped enough poison in his ear by then but I guess that's something else to deal with...

If this were me I would be livid. I would give him an ultimatum - it has to be completely out in the open or it's over. It's actually none of her business who he is in a relationship with and from the sound of her she will always make things difficult. Neither he nor you should give a fig about her feelings, and his son will be happy for him and anyway the son needs to be told straight up that his parents split up, forever, quite some time ago. Isn't it always a bit sad when you find out an ex has moved on? She needs to lump it. You and he need to move in together and if she carries on stalking your house then call the police.

Just tell him that you want to have a real relationship and a family and that you'd like to do it with him, but that if he isn't interested/free/able you would prefer to move on.

The reality is that his ex can't accept the breakup and as a result your DP and his son are having to go along with her fake reality and fake belief things will come back together. It is kinder to her to shatter the illusion once and for all, it really is. Anyway, you don't want to get involved in their crazy munchausen-by-proxy state of denial.

Seriously you are being used.

x-post wannabe! He just needs to tell them both the truth, in an age appropriate way. It isn't a negative thing that you've got together - it's something to be celebrated! (say this to him).

I'd say small steps. How about seeing what your dp's reaction is first and take it from there?

How do you eat an elephant - a bit at a time?!

agree one step at a time. The ex needs to know you're together and the child needs to know that his parents aren't together and are not getting back together ever

See how he reacts to that and then go from there. What reason has the child been given for the parents not living together btw? Children aren't stupid, if his parents aren't living together he will have guessed there is some reason for that. When I split from my ex my ds was nine, and although we were living in the same house and were mostly amicable i.e. there were no blazing rows which ds would have been aware of we had been sleeping in seperate bedrooms since the August and we told him in the october, and he'd already guessed that this might be the case.

In terms of you being introduced it really does depend what the ds knows/has been told. His parents haven't been living together for two years, so if your dp is genuine and he really hasn't been staying over with ex or her with him then I wouldn't say it needs to be a lengthy amount of time to you being introduced. This isn't the same as someone moving out and then into the home of another woman iyswim.

hmm not sure if his son knows of a reason why... I mean they never ever slept in the same bed together since the son was born - one of them always slept with the son (hence why at 9 he thinks its normal!) and as far as I know they hardly spoke in the last year before it ended let alone rowed but as far as im aware the son thinks his dad just needed to live somewhere else for a while because of work and at some point will be coming back home... very sad!

I am supposed to be going over to his this Saturday evening whilst his son is there for tea... whether that happens or not remains to be seen!

but how is he going to introduce you if the boy still thinks that his parents are together?

and a nine year old still sleeping in his parents' bed really is not healthy. This child is going to have all sorts of issues relating to you pushing him out tbh if you coming into the equation will coincide with him not sleeping in his dad's bed any more.

The parents have never shared a bed, the child has no concept of what a normal relationship is like. Obviously over time he can learn but do you really want to bear the brunt of his learning process? And you've seen first-hand that this man has a totally disfunctional relationship with his ds, is that the kind of man you want to be the father of your children?

It sounds as if they would all benefit from a considerable amount of therapy before considering even being in a relationship with anyone else...

Movingonup....you asked for advice, you've had it in spades! The consensus is, give him the choice to come clean with all concerned, or he loses you from his life! To be perfectly honest, even though you say generally he is a lovely guy, if you join this dysfunctional set up, you should be prepared for a very difficult and traumatic future!

^ yeah.
Just imagining the wrangling over birthdays, christmases, holidays, wedding, birth of any siblings etc, is leaving me exhausted!

Hi bit late to the party but speaking from devastating experience I echo what everyone has said... I started a thread too about being kept a secret from ex.. In my case although he initially told her I was after that airbrushed out of his life when he went to visit his DC (they live far away). I let this shit continue for 7-8 years. We've recently split up and it was because he always had a reason to not mention me to ex, he refused to understand why it was an issue, and his poor DC see him less than they should (and me and my DS never) as he can't be honest about his life here.
I hope he has now either made your relationship known to her and DS, or you've dumped his sorry arse! (Bitter moi?!)