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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling Stepparent

97 replies

EFM87 · 13/03/2015 20:02

Hi all!

I've decided to join this page and start blogging as I'm not sure who else to talk to. None of my friends are stepparents and so don't truly understand how it feels.

I've been with my boyfriend now for 2 years, we live together, have spoken about our future - marriage, babies etc. The thing I'm struggling with is that he has 2 children from a previous relationship - a little girl aged 8 and a little boy aged 6.

I do adore his children and I trust that they like me too, maybe even love me. Its just the feeling of not having a child of my own that depresses me, and helping to raise another woman's children and receive no gratitude.

No-one could prepare me for the this life.

I look after the children as if they were my own. I feed them, clothe them, bath them, read them bedtime stories, do their homework, comfort them when they are upset/unwell and make sure they are safe. Yet I feel it all goes unnoticed - by them, their Mum and even my partner.

Whenever I discuss my feelings with my partner, it then prompts him to appreciate what I do, yet I don't think he actually gets it. I do a lot of work for someone elses children and yet I'm the one who is always kept out of the loop when it comes to decision making.

He gets to do all the fun stuff with them and receive all the rewards. He gets the 'I love you's', the hugs & kisses and to see them at their school plays and sports days. What do I get? Chores, the constant feeling of I will never be better than their Mum - and this fear worsens at the thought of how will they feel about me when they are older.

I feel jealous too. When he hugs and kisses his daughter especially - maybe its because I always thought I would be the only girl in my boyfriends life, until a daughter of our own came along. I always feel in competition. I hate feeling this way - am I a bad person?

Is it awful that I look forward to when the children go back to their Mums? I know my partner feels upset when the kids go back, but a slight part of me is relieved. I like having time with him on my own, and without having to play 'mum' to someone else's children. It would be totally different if they were my kids, but its the constant reminder of this other woman who will always be better than me in their eyes, and who has daily contact with my boyfriend. I mean, who wants their boyfriend/girlfriend to speak to their ex on a daily basis. Its gut wrenching at times!

Part of me thinks it would be different if they lived with us full-time, and they only saw their Mum every Friday & every other weekend. I think I would actually prefer it!

Is there anyone else in the position I am, and have any words of wisdom for me? I really need to know I'm not alone and I'm not a terrible person for having these feelings. My partner probably thinks I cant stand the kids, but I love them - I'm just struggling Sad

OP posts:
MotherofA · 15/03/2015 20:59

Own & reassure * lol

MotherofA · 15/03/2015 21:01

Ffs the auto spell on this phone ! *children sleeping with parents

ticklemonster123 · 15/03/2015 21:36

motherofA just so you know, my DD is 3 and I am happy for her to come in my bed if she wants to.
Not because I don't want her to cry, not because I can't be bothered to put her back in her bed but because she is 3 and I think it is natural for children to want to sleep with their parents and I think it's a normal part of growing up. She does not wake every night, maybe about twice a week, it varies.
She had a bottle until shortly before her first birthday, never had a dummy but I'm not opposed to them, just never needed one. And she was potty trained at around 22 months old.
So does this make me a lazy shit parent?
Or do I pass your standards?

MotherofA · 15/03/2015 21:44

It is not about my standards.... It is about what I want in MY life with MY child . People I have met who have slept with their children have had the choices I previously stated . I did not home on here to dig at anyone u came to join a conversation I could relate to .... Fedupbutfine was on my back from the get go due to a difference in opinions . Sorry for that but I am me and I feel the way I feel as does everyone else . I would not havey daughter in bed with me 100% now I have step children as I don't want them in the bed and feel all children should be treated the same .
Also regarding step parenting the original topic as many ladies said ... Unt you know the children and how your partner parents you can't say whether you agree and by that point are very much in love x x

jovialjulia · 15/03/2015 22:00

Why does anyone care if motherofA agrees with them about co sleeping? I don't agree with it either. Especially for children whose parents aren't together because they come to rely upon a comfort blanket that needs to be taken away. It seems cruel. I don't expect anyone to care what I think though!

My ex used to have dd in bed with him and it meant that when she was back with me it was really hard to get her to sleep alone.

MotherofA · 15/03/2015 22:06

Jovialjulia thank you I was drowning . Ex did the same until dd was 5 and I said it's not appropriate and take me 2 nights for her to sleep well again. He respected me and stopped x

Bai28 · 15/03/2015 23:19

Delayed response! But I have to say 7-8months in I was definitely in love with my partner when the problems began to surface, but it wasn't until a year ago that his daughter started staying overnight. So no I'm not going to leave my partner after 18months. He is also an amazing father and fights to see his daughter even when his ex cancels every time we try and arrange more than weekend sleep overs (we thighy it might improve the more she stayed and felt comfortable) but it seems to be going in reverse!

I know that some children sleep with parents and that co-sleeping is normal for some people, but it doesn't seem to be having a positive effect on her. Her mum admits she gets up with her at 5am every morning, and she started sleeping in bed with her daughter around the same time she started staying with us...I can't help but feel there's some connection. She told my partner it was his fault because he left and so my stepdaughter has separation issues..but she was so young when he left and the co-sleeping didn't start until much later.

I haven't got a clue what to do as a stepparent. I came here to know I wasn't alone in thinking I'm going mad with these situations. Co-sleeping issues aside, being a stepparent is a constant struggle. I was raised in a strict but loving environment and as I child I did not get everything I wanted. So being with a child who does is alien to me. Never mind the fact I don't even know if it's my place to say anything about it.

ticklemonster123 · 15/03/2015 23:53

bai28 Yes it is difficult, especially when your DSC are allowed to do things which you wouldn't accept from your own children if you had them.
I think as a step parent you have to do an awful lot of compromising with your OH, you need to decide what issues are really important and which ones you can learn to live with or let go.
If you and your OH had a child together one day you can't have different sets of rules for each child so I think, within reason, it's perfectly ok for you to have a say over things, especially if you share a home together.

Your OH may even appreciate a bit of input from you, my DH gives me really good advice and guidance with my DD who isn't his, sometimes it's easier to see a solution to problems when you're the person whose not so emotionally involved.

I think the key is good communication, listening to each other and working through problems together.

Bai28 · 16/03/2015 00:14

Ticklemonster thank you. It's nice to know I'm not the only stepparent that doesn't know what to do for the best and it's nice to have a reassuring but of advice :)

jovialjulia · 16/03/2015 07:27

I agree with that. My DH gives good advice about what I could try with my dd. The difference is that I'm allowed to actually implement his ideas if I want to, whereas any advice I've given him as far as parenting his dd goes has fallen by the way side because mum won't have a sniff.

For me, anyway, DH was very compliant in his marriage and ex now doesn't like the fact that he's having ideas of his own (well not just his own Wink)

fedupbutfine · 16/03/2015 08:19

Maybe this angers you so much as you believe there is an element of truth

Jesus wept. Nothing like a know it all step parent, is there?

Sethspeaks · 16/03/2015 08:39

Bai there are lots of us here with years of experience as Sps and have found what works for us. But in the early days (and maybe I'd better just speak for myself!) were winging it and have struggled.

I think my biggest piece of advice would be to keep a slight sense of detachment. The child/ren have two parents who are responsible for them and need to sort issues out. Don't feel you have to rush in and rescue. Yes, give advice to your dp, offer suggestions, be kind and loving and welcoming to the child, keep to boundaries for them, but larger issues are the responsibility of the two parents not you and it is your dp's choice how he deals with things. You can tell your dp what he "should" be doing and try and force change but that could backfire if he does so to keep you happy, because it isn't what he actually wants to do. So my advice would be to support, have an input but leave decisions on what he actually does to him.

Sethspeaks · 16/03/2015 08:39

Bai there are lots of us here with years of experience as Sps and have found what works for us. But in the early days (and maybe I'd better just speak for myself!) were winging it and have struggled.

I think my biggest piece of advice would be to keep a slight sense of detachment. The child/ren have two parents who are responsible for them and need to sort issues out. Don't feel you have to rush in and rescue. Yes, give advice to your dp, offer suggestions, be kind and loving and welcoming to the child, keep to boundaries for them, but larger issues are the responsibility of the two parents not you and it is your dp's choice how he deals with things. You can tell your dp what he "should" be doing and try and force change but that could backfire if he does so to keep you happy, because it isn't what he actually wants to do. So my advice would be to support, have an input but leave decisions on what he actually does to him.

Sethspeaks · 16/03/2015 08:40

Bai there are lots of us here with years of experience as Sps and have found what works for us. But in the early days (and maybe I'd better just speak for myself!) were winging it and have struggled.

I think my biggest piece of advice would be to keep a slight sense of detachment. The child/ren have two parents who are responsible for them and need to sort issues out. Don't feel you have to rush in and rescue. Yes, give advice to your dp, offer suggestions, be kind and loving and welcoming to the child, keep to boundaries for them, but larger issues are the responsibility of the two parents not you and it is your dp's choice how he deals with things. You could tell your dp what he "should" be doing and try and force change but that could backfire if he does so to keep you happy, because it isn't what he actually wants to do. So my advice would be to support, have an input but leave decisions on what he actually does to him.

Sethspeaks · 16/03/2015 08:41

Bai there are lots of us here with years of experience as Sps and have found what works for us. But in the early days (and maybe I'd better just speak for myself!) were winging it and have struggled.

I think my biggest piece of advice would be to keep a slight sense of detachment. The child/ren have two parents who are responsible for them and need to sort issues out. Don't feel you have to rush in and rescue. Yes, give advice to your dp, offer suggestions, be kind and loving and welcoming to the child, keep to boundaries for them, but larger issues are the responsibility of the two parents not you and it is your dp's choice how he deals with things. You could tell your dp what he "should" be doing and try and force change but that could backfire if he does so to keep you happy, because it isn't what he actually wants to do. So my advice would be to support, have an input but leave decisions on what he actually does to him.

Sethspeaks · 16/03/2015 08:42

Bai there are lots of us here with years of experience as Sps and have found what works for us. But in the early days (and maybe I'd better just speak for myself!) were winging it and have struggled.

I think my biggest piece of advice would be to keep a slight sense of detachment. The child/ren have two parents who are responsible for them and need to sort issues out. Don't feel you have to rush in and rescue. Yes, give advice to your dp, offer suggestions, be kind and loving and welcoming to the child, keep to boundaries for them, but larger issues are the responsibility of the two parents not you and it is your dp's choice how he deals with things. You could tell your dp what he "should" be doing and try and force change but that could backfire if he does so to keep you happy, because it isn't what he actually wants to do. So my advice would be to support, have an input but leave decisions on what he actually does to him.

Sethspeaks · 16/03/2015 08:44

Oh .... sorry for the multiple posts@

MotherofA · 16/03/2015 14:37

I am not know it all step parent . I am a parent that is raising my child with boundaries and a step parent to two children with no boundaries . It's bloody hard . Being a step parent is definitely much harder than being a parent and I have no idea if our relationship will survive it !

ticklemonster123 · 16/03/2015 15:45

jovial it's the same here, Dh gives great advice, I take it on board and often implement changes with my own DCs thanks to his advice.
However, when I give advice, he listens, agrees with me but then doesn't actually follow my suggestions.

motherofA I understand how you feel. I'm not a strict parent but I have certain boundaries and expectations from my own DCs and it's bloody hard when you have children coming in to your home who seem totally alien to, what I consider, perfectly normal behaviour and expectations.
Like when an 8 year tells his 3 year old sister to fuck off and I want to just cry that my daughter has just witnessed that, in my opinion he needs a bit of a bollocking and deprived of treats for a period. DH's technique of handling it is to sit down n talk to him for a good 20 mins or so. Great! So he's naughty and he gets rewarded by getting his dad all to himself for a good while. Yeh I'm sure next time he thinks about swearing he'll definitely not do it now!
He's a brilliant dad but I think he does worry that if he tells the kids off they won't want to visit as much.

Bai28 · 16/03/2015 18:44

Thanks all, some sound advice! Her mum has finally agreed today that the situation needs managing differently and is willing to work with us...she's going back in her own bed tonight (at least that's what has been promised).

I am learning slowly but surely!

MotherofA · 16/03/2015 20:58

Tickle monster , omg !!! It's so hard isn't it ! I don't know if anything will make me sure of this because the children are a huge off put for me . We have the same problem he feels bad telling them off ... I've tried to say to him don't you feel bad that they aren't being taught how to behave properly ? The dsd has a very odd tendency to stare at people for long periods. A few people have mentioned this to me and it makes my dd quite irritated . I don't say anything but if dd does she gets evils from dp? It's always all eyes on my dd waiting for her to slip up as he wants distraction from his children's behaviour. I have taken upon having some Sunday's with just dd going out etc . Not sure if this is the right thing to do but I felt relaxed and happier for the first Sunday in a long time ?! Dsd told us she had a bad stomach and was off school in the week so her mother put a pull up on her and she weed and pooed in it .... She's 5.5 . I'm surely not alone at thinking this is disgusting ?!
Bai I'm really pleased you have had progress ! If your do can try and get the ex working with you both it will help . My dp ex is the total opposite and often seems to do things to deliberately make my dp mad ... X

Sethspeaks · 16/03/2015 21:15

That's excellent news Bai.

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