Struggling Stepparent

[EFM87]

Hi all!

I've decided to join this page and start blogging as I'm not sure who else to talk to. None of my friends are stepparents and so don't truly understand how it feels.

I've been with my boyfriend now for 2 years, we live together, have spoken about our future - marriage, babies etc. The thing I'm struggling with is that he has 2 children from a previous relationship - a little girl aged 8 and a little boy aged 6.

I do adore his children and I trust that they like me too, maybe even love me. Its just the feeling of not having a child of my own that depresses me, and helping to raise another woman's children and receive no gratitude.

No-one could prepare me for the this life.

I look after the children as if they were my own. I feed them, clothe them, bath them, read them bedtime stories, do their homework, comfort them when they are upset/unwell and make sure they are safe. Yet I feel it all goes unnoticed - by them, their Mum and even my partner.

Whenever I discuss my feelings with my partner, it then prompts him to appreciate what I do, yet I don't think he actually gets it. I do a lot of work for someone elses children and yet I'm the one who is always kept out of the loop when it comes to decision making.

He gets to do all the fun stuff with them and receive all the rewards. He gets the 'I love you's', the hugs & kisses and to see them at their school plays and sports days. What do I get? Chores, the constant feeling of I will never be better than their Mum - and this fear worsens at the thought of how will they feel about me when they are older.

I feel jealous too. When he hugs and kisses his daughter especially - maybe its because I always thought I would be the only girl in my boyfriends life, until a daughter of our own came along. I always feel in competition. I hate feeling this way - am I a bad person?

Is it awful that I look forward to when the children go back to their Mums? I know my partner feels upset when the kids go back, but a slight part of me is relieved. I like having time with him on my own, and without having to play 'mum' to someone else's children. It would be totally different if they were my kids, but its the constant reminder of this other woman who will always be better than me in their eyes, and who has daily contact with my boyfriend. I mean, who wants their boyfriend/girlfriend to speak to their ex on a daily basis. Its gut wrenching at times!

Part of me thinks it would be different if they lived with us full-time, and they only saw their Mum every Friday & every other weekend. I think I would actually prefer it!

Is there anyone else in the position I am, and have any words of wisdom for me? I really need to know I'm not alone and I'm not a terrible person for having these feelings. My partner probably thinks I cant stand the kids, but I love them - I'm just struggling

Olly b jolly you sound like a very strong woman and it's so lovely that you appreciated your children's sm. I do more for those children than their parents half the time with no thanks . X

My step daughter refused to sleep last night. By 2.30am my partner finally gave up and took her back to her mum. She did admire that she doesn't want to be alone at bed time but said she doesn't want us or her mum to tell the other kids at school that she sleeps in her mums bed every night as she is "embarrassed" of course her mum just said she must be unwell and that's why she wouldn't sleep. Poor kid admits she's being effected emotionally and her mum still insists its fine. My partner doesn't know what to do. The time to wake clock may as well go in the bin and the reward chart is yet to have one star.

The worst part is the tension it causes between me and my partner. Rightly or wrongly I can't help but blame him for this mess and constant weekends of no sleep! I didn't get anything for mothers day but I wasn't expecting it anyway. Step parenting in my case= all the stress, no thanks.

I can't understand why people get so angry on these discussions either. It's bloody hard work and yes I knew my partner had a daughter but I didn't know her mum had issues and that the poor kid was going to be so badly effected. I didn't meet her for the first 6 months so how could I have known how bad things could get? Also, thy was 2.5 years ago now...it's definitely worse now than it was then. His ex refuses to even acknowledge my existence (even though they'd been separated a year before I met him) despite my offers to meet with her. I thought she'd want to know who her child was staying with but she's not interested. Limit reached. Sleep deprived as always!

Bai you might be better off starting your own thread about this and not necessarily in the SP section. There may be people who could give you some advice on what you and you dp could do.

I'm not saying not to post here - posting here for your own support would be good too but it might be that in the sleep section (and I think there might be one) you may be able to get specific advice about the sleeping issue from others who have had the same issue.

It's so difficult when one parent just won't work with you on something, that is really frustrating.

That's not true. My dd is very grateful and always thanks me for the things I do for her. That's half the problem that these days people accept children not being thankful.

She thanks you every time you wash her clothes, cooking her dinner, drive her to her activities, vaccum the floor of her bedroom?

My kids will say thank you too when I do some things for them, but in the end, I don't expect a thanks each time I do something that I knew I would find myself doing when I decided to become a mum.

I think it is instinctive for new step-parent to take on the role of a mother with their step children, either because it comes naturally to them if they are nurturing and/or because they want to make a good impression with their partner. Many times it works well, but often it doesn't for all the reasons that were highlighted in the first post. Both my children's SM and SD have taken a non parental role towards them and it works very well. They get along great, but there are no expectations on either side. When I got with OH, it was clear that I didn't expect to share parenting with him. Things evolved naturally at a pace everyone was comfortable with.

Swing. Not every single time but yes pretty much

Sethspeaks thanks for the advice, I will certainly check out the sleep section!

I think I have just reached total breaking point, the sleep thing is just the last thing on a very long list of issues.

I feel that I may have made a huge mistake being with someone with so much going on, but I wasn't aware of any problems until wed already been together 7-8months. How do you leave someone you love because of things he can't even control? My stepdaughter is a sweet kid but I don't ever see things changing when her mum is so unstable!

Apologies for the emotional rant! But I have never spoken to anyone else in similar situations before.

jovial you don't know how a man is going to be with his kids until he has them. In the case of a step mum, you can clearly see the sort of dad or husband your partner is (if he was married) before you get him.

So wearing are you saying a new partner should meet their DP's kids before deciding whether to enter into a relationship with the DP? How the heck are you supposed to clearly see the sort of dad he is otherwise? Regular contact with the DC, whilst indicative that the DP cares for his DC, is not in itself a good measure of someone's parenting style/standards.

By the time you wait an appropriate amount of months to meet your potential stepchildren it's very hard by then to walk away from someone you love as Bai28 and others have experienced.

This whole "you knew what you were getting into" attitude is complete nonsense.

Yes exactly. If we meet the kids too soon we are foolish, if we get with a man and don't know what he's like as a father we are foolish.

Would love to know the prime moment at which we should learn what kind of father he is before we get involved. Maybe spy cams?

Swing. Not every single time but yes pretty much
I strongly believe in children being polite and appreciative, but I have to say that I would feel a bit uncomfortable if my kids were to thank me each time I do something which really is my duty to do as a parent. OH and I also make a point of thanking each other, but again, I would get annoyed if each time I did something that is part of being a couple he were to thank me, I would start to wonder if it is just said by automatism rather than true appreciation.

Saying, we are diverting a bit from the issue as it is about how one feels and clearly OP feel unappreciated. I am not too sure how much she would expect more appreciation from the children themselves or her OH. I expect the latter, but again, he might feel that she is doing a lot of those things because she really enjoys it and wants to do them, so might feel that saying thank you all the time might come across as a bit patronising. She needs to make it clear to him that some of the things she does, she would rather he did himself without worrying that by saying so, he might get offended.

I think the common error on both sides is wanting to do too much too soon rather than letting things evolve naturally. I also think that step-parents put too much pressure on themselves. OH got along with the kids right away and things felt quite naturally, but when we moved in together and he started to see them as normal kids, it was harder for him. Then when DD turned 12 and a girly annoying thing, he found it hard to bond with her. She is now older and they have started getting closer again. Saying that, when she had health issues during that time, I saw how much he cared about her. Same happened with DS when he turned into a smelly grunting teenager, but again, they are now starting to get closer again.

I don't expect him to be a father towards them and I don't expect them to treat him like they do their dad. I expect mutual respect on both sides (adapted to their age!). I had a SM who tried much too hard to be loved by me and it had the exact effect. The best way to make someone love you, or at least care for you is to give them the time to do so.

Really they shouldn't want their child sleeping in bed with a sp

say's who? where is the rule book that says this is unacceptable?

whilst I personally agree that I wouldn't want my children in bed with my ex and his new partner (or me and a new partner for that matter), for some people it will work and will be part of the family's routine. Or perhaps step children should be pushed out when 'new' children come along? Not allowed to do the same thing as them?

And plenty of people sleep with young children and the children are absolutely fine as a result. My youngest has slept with me regularly and that's because he wakes up and doesn't like being on his own. I made the decision that taking him back downstairs (because we live over 3 floors) to his room resulted in me being awake for hours which wasn't acceptable when I had a full time job to go to in the morning. So he crawls in with me and half the time I'm not even aware of him until the alarm goes off. That works for me and our family set up and enables me to effectively support my children. Forgive my language, but where the fuck do you get off deciding that's unacceptable or judging my life and the decisions I make for my family? Oh yeah, you're a step mother therefore you know what's best for my children

Bai it's ok to feel like that and lack of sleep won't be helping whatsoever. It's hard to keep things in perspective at times like this.

bai but it's not just children who's parents have separated who like sleeping with parents, i think it is natural for kids to want to sleep with parents and for some families it can benefit everybody.
My friend sleeps with her 6 year old daughter every night, her DH usually ends up in their daughters bed.
There's no underlying emotional problems, there's no instability, she just likes sleeping with mummy.
Does your DSD really want to stay at your house or is the issue that she wants to sleep with mum? She's still very young, some kids never have a problem sleeping out but others aren't ready for it until their older.
My DD wasn't ready to stay at her Dad's happily until she was about 6. We tried numerous times over the years, starting as a baby when she was scream all night, we gave up for a while, tried again after about 6-12 months, still cried all night or would drift off to sleep and then wake again with a panic, and then cry. Then when she was a bit older she'd sleep if her dad was cuddling her but the second he moved she'd wake.
She rarely slept in my bed so it wasn't that she couldn't manage to sleep on her own, she just wasn't comfortable with staying out over night, even though she liked the idea of it, in reality she wasn't ready for it.
She was the same if we went on holiday, she struggled to adapt to sleeping in a different bed, would never even sleep in the car or her pram like most babies..always loved her bed.
Maybe she just needs a bit of time to grow out of it, from my experience most kids don't want to sleep with their parents past the age of about 6-7.

Bai you say it yourself - you weren't aware of any problems until 7-8 months after you met. That's no time at all! It's still plenty early enough to walk away.

Being with a guy for 5 plus years, getting married, having kids and then realising that he's a crap parent, well, that's a bit more difficult to foresee isn't it?

fedup I think you've been unnecessarily harsh. I never even knew that some kids routinely slept with their parents until I joined Mumsnet and that's because I don't have close friends with DC plus the fact that when I was growing up things were much less child-centric than they are now. It would never have occurred to me in a million years that my or any other parents would have tolerated being disturbed during the night because of their child routinely refusing to settle in their own bed (babies aside, obviously). As a kid, unless I'd had a nightmare (and since when did "night terrors" become a thing?) I'd have been told off and sent back to bed.

There's nothing wrong with society's attitude moving on but as a childless stepparent it's this kind of thing that can take you by surprise. And because we aren't actual parents not only do we miss out on the gradual learning curve of adapting to life with a DC but we also have to follow someone else's rules. But God help us if we get it wrong sometimes.

Wearing, it must be lovely to be so sure of everything. It's not something you realise immediately. You meet the kids and there's a honeymoon period. Everyone's on their best behaviour. It's a good six months again before you realise.

Then you're hoping it'll change, weighing up if the good outweighs the bad.

By the time you're sure, you're in pretty deep.

I'd be surprised if you could be with a man for five years (as in your hypothetical) who was a dream boat, only for him to just suddenly become an arse when you have kids together.

1st wives are no different to 2nd wives. We all overlook the signs because the good outweighs the bad.... Until it doesn't.

but we also have to follow someone else's rules. But God help us if we get it wrong sometimes

but there is no rule book that says you must follow someone else's rules! I wouldn't want my children sleeping in with the ex and his new partner - I think it sounds a bit...well...icky...but I can't stop him doing it if he wants to. What goes on in his house is his responsibility - nothing I can do about it even if I don't like it (although I accept some PWC would go down the stopping access route, we're not all like that!). And ultimately, I would rather my children in bed with the ex and new partner and her children and any new children they produce than them being left to sit on the floor or outside the bedroom all together! It may well hurt me to hear of that kind of thing happening, but I would rather that than hear my children cry because they are not included as part of the family. It really is about being the bigger person - and I know we all find that difficult sometimes.

what I really object to is the certainty with which the other person posted that having children in bed is 'wrong'. Because it isn't. Not for everyone. And what goes on in my household is up to me and if any new partner starts trying to tell me how to bring up my children, they'll get it in the neck, believe me!

Haha why do these threads turn into a war amongst women when they are supposed to be for support ??
Fedupbutfine : I'm not just a step mother , I am a mother . I believe that children sleeping in parents beds is unhealthy is SO many ways for children and parents . I worked full time and studied whilst living alone with my daughter who is a troubled sleeper yet she never slept in my bed, in My personal opinion it's another lazy way of quietening a child without giving them self esteem and confidence to sleep alone . I don't agree with pacifying children that "cry" as I am sure every mother knows children learn to cry on demand to get what they want . My daughter received endless love and reassurance , she doesn't need to sleep in my bed . As for people with a partner as I now have, this should be a BIG no no . Please understand this is my opinion on all children NOT just step children . I never slept in my parents beds either .... In my experience the people who do this are the ones that give children bottles and dummies until they are 3 and cba to potty train

Christ I'm glad you aren't my child's SM! You sound terrifying!

oh right...so if I tell you my children have all slept with me, all 100% breastfed, potty trained by 2 1/2 and never used a dummy between them, never saw a bottle as they went from breast to cup....what does that do to your stereotypes now? Perhaps if my ex hadn't run off with some random woman, my children would have felt confident enough to sleep alone? As it was, they were treated like utter shite and perhaps, just perhaps, needed some reassurance at night.

How about trying to live in the real world? Oh and yes, I'll say it again....what right to you have to judge anyone's parenting?

MotherA your first sentence said these threads are about support for other parents. You then go on to insult co sleeping. Which a massive chunk of the users of this site will do.

I have as much right as you do ... You are judging my opinions as I am judging yours ... I split with my daughters father when she was young and she needed reassurance also but my personal opinion that in bed at night is not the right time for that . I am not a person who wishes my child to dictate what happens in the household . We can all only do our best and go with what we think is right . Maybe this angers you so much as you believe there is an element of truth .
Believe me being a young single parent working studying and learning to drive whilst raising a wonderful child I am DEFINITELY in the real world and I am proud of my accomplishments. As should all good mothers be . I am sorry your partner had an affair maybe it's time you had some enjoyment in your life and hats off to you being a single parent working full time !!!!

Oswin my original statement was that a parent shouldn't want their child sleeping with a step parent . I am expressing an opinion and wasn't trying to be insulting .

Thanks wearing maybe I am but it's my opinion. I am strict but loving . I wanted my daughter to be confident enough to sleep peacefully in her ow bed . This doesn't mean I didn't resurrect her in the night if she woke ! I think shim seen sleeping with parents is about the parents need more than the child's . As I said before its my opinion x