Struggling Stepparent

[EFM87]

Hi all!

I've decided to join this page and start blogging as I'm not sure who else to talk to. None of my friends are stepparents and so don't truly understand how it feels.

I've been with my boyfriend now for 2 years, we live together, have spoken about our future - marriage, babies etc. The thing I'm struggling with is that he has 2 children from a previous relationship - a little girl aged 8 and a little boy aged 6.

I do adore his children and I trust that they like me too, maybe even love me. Its just the feeling of not having a child of my own that depresses me, and helping to raise another woman's children and receive no gratitude.

No-one could prepare me for the this life.

I look after the children as if they were my own. I feed them, clothe them, bath them, read them bedtime stories, do their homework, comfort them when they are upset/unwell and make sure they are safe. Yet I feel it all goes unnoticed - by them, their Mum and even my partner.

Whenever I discuss my feelings with my partner, it then prompts him to appreciate what I do, yet I don't think he actually gets it. I do a lot of work for someone elses children and yet I'm the one who is always kept out of the loop when it comes to decision making.

He gets to do all the fun stuff with them and receive all the rewards. He gets the 'I love you's', the hugs & kisses and to see them at their school plays and sports days. What do I get? Chores, the constant feeling of I will never be better than their Mum - and this fear worsens at the thought of how will they feel about me when they are older.

I feel jealous too. When he hugs and kisses his daughter especially - maybe its because I always thought I would be the only girl in my boyfriends life, until a daughter of our own came along. I always feel in competition. I hate feeling this way - am I a bad person?

Is it awful that I look forward to when the children go back to their Mums? I know my partner feels upset when the kids go back, but a slight part of me is relieved. I like having time with him on my own, and without having to play 'mum' to someone else's children. It would be totally different if they were my kids, but its the constant reminder of this other woman who will always be better than me in their eyes, and who has daily contact with my boyfriend. I mean, who wants their boyfriend/girlfriend to speak to their ex on a daily basis. Its gut wrenching at times!

Part of me thinks it would be different if they lived with us full-time, and they only saw their Mum every Friday & every other weekend. I think I would actually prefer it!

Is there anyone else in the position I am, and have any words of wisdom for me? I really need to know I'm not alone and I'm not a terrible person for having these feelings. My partner probably thinks I cant stand the kids, but I love them - I'm just struggling

I'm still not clear on why OP is doing the thankless stuff. They have a father- surely his contact weekends are for him to parent them, feed them, read stories, bathe them, do their laundry. Why on earth has OP taken on that role? Is it because she is the resident female it was assumed she will do it? You dont have to OP! You arent their parent- dont fall into the trap of doing the gruntwork whilst he does all the fun stuff. What exactly is he doing while they are there?

I understand everything no you are saying and have felt it too, I think it's easy for people who have not been in this situation to judge and not understand.

When I got with dh his dc's were 10,7 and 3, the younger two were easy going, the eldest not so but we coped the best we could. The 3 year old took to me straight away so I did everything for her that her mum would do, I never got any thanks from the dc's or dh. Eventually we had a dc together, of course it felt different from having step children ( nothing's quite like having your own child, a piece of you ), we then had another dc. The step children have now grown up, youngest is 15 and we are still very close, the other 2 we rarely see, my dc's are now 9 and 11 and I have to say 'they never thank me for the things I do for them' so I guess it's not much different from looking after step children in some respects . I don't think any mum gets enough gratitude for the things they do.

Being a step parent isn't easy, cut yourself some sick, I think the things you are feeling are pretty common, maybe some people just don't admit to it. One day you will have your own dc but the step children will be a huge part of your lives too ( a big part of your family ).

MotherofA is it that your DP is a Disney Dad?
I used to have similar problems with my DH and his DC's, it came to the point where we nearly split up over it. After a lot of talking and heart to hearts it turned out that he felt bad for telling the kids off during the little time he had with them, he wanted it to be all smiles and laughter...but it wasn't anyway!
My DD was learning bad behaviour from them and I couldn't allow that to continue.
He eventually saw that by not disciplining them it was causing more harm than good.
He's now a completely different parent, he actually parents them now.

OP I know how you feel. For the first couple of years living with my DH and DSDs I did so much for them. They were teens and I taxied them around everywhere. Yet no matter what I did for any of them it was never noticed or appreciated. One day I thought to myself 'why am I doing all this? I'm not their parent clearly'. I got all the shit jobs without any of the nice bits. I didn't even get birthday wishes! So I just stopped, stopped doing the things I didn't want to do, left those things to their dad to do. It's called detaching and it worked, for the most part, I stopped feeling so resentful.
Please try it, it might save you a lot of tears. Your DP is their dad, he should be doing the majority of the parenting, not you. It doesn't mean you don't care, just pull back a bit, to save yourself.

In my experience, the best thing to do would be to slowly, gently, detach from doing the mum things.

It is natural to care for young children in your home, and very hard not to. But you should be a support to your partner, and a friend to your step children. How often are they with you?

That contact time is for them to be with their dad. He should be doing the bathing, stories, clearing up sick. As step parents we are always told to care for them as though they are our own. Like it's a test of our strength as women to do so. But they are not our own. And no one will ever, ever, thank you for it.

So do it by all means because you enjoy it. But if you don't, then make yourself scarce at bath time. Let your DP be a father to them.

I've fallen in to the trap of expecting a place in dsd's life and it never came. I have a dd who has a remarkable loving, caring step mother who does more for her than her dad ever will and I appreciate that so much. but do I want her input on which school dd goes to, or when she has her haircut? No I do not. Because it wasn't her I chose to have a child with and it's hard enough making decisions with two parents... Never mind four!

Talk to your partner about how you feel.

It's a bit like when we move in with a man and want to play house. We do all the washing, ironing, cleaning. Because it's fun, it's natural, it's novelty. Them very quickly we feel taken advantage of.

The problem is you made a choice to invest more than you needed too and now are unhappy that you are not getting rewards. As a step-mum, you never had to act as a mum towards them. You chose to do that. Your partner doesn't owe you gratitude for what you do when you are choosing to do these yourself.

If you feel taken for granted, then stop doing so much and let their dad be a parent to his children. Why isn't he? He should be doing the cooking, cleaning after them, reading the bedtime stories. You allowed him to take on the fun part whilst doing the not so fun, why?

You have two choices, either you act like a parent towards them if it suits everyone, but don't expect gratitude back. Children never feel grateful for being looked after my a parent, and it is not common for birth parents to be grateful that the other one looks after their children.

Or you do expect gratitude for what you do, and in that case, detached yourself, make it clear that you will get involved, but not to the same level as a parent and let him be the parent that he should be.

That's not true. My dd is very grateful and always thanks me for the things I do for her. That's half the problem that these days people accept children not being thankful.

To be honest I thought he had the same values as myself but it seems he has unconsciously followed in the exs lazy parenting footsteps

so your partner doesnt have to take responsibility for how he parents? it's just the ex's fault? the children are not capable of responding appropriately to their parent's respective differing parenting styles? You know, in the same way that children can be nightmares at home but well behaved in school...they respond to where the lines are drawn, the might push them, but ultimately, do as is expected of them providing what is expected is consistent and enforced fairly?

Never ceases to amaze me how everything is the ex's fault - even down to controlling how a man parents his children in his own home. Ridiculous.

Totally agree. What made you think he had better values? Have you seen him enforce these?

I think sometimes we see the best in our partners, but actually they aren't any better than the exs

And the stepmothers wonder why the exes are sat there laughing their asses off

Not with you wearing?

Well it's history repeating itself in a lot of cases, I bet.

Husband and ex get divorced. Ok could be lots of reasons but there'll be more than a handful who were shit husbands and shit dads.

Dad gets girlfriend. Ex can't quite believe anyone would put up with dad. Everything seems rosy at first. Dad then falls into the familiar role of crappy dad and less than marvellous partner. New girlfriend seems somehow confused by this, and blames both ex and the kids, despite the proof right in front of her nose that dad just isn't that great to be with.

The laughing your ass off part happens when the girlfriend happens to be the ow. Never fails to amaze me that the ow will take a proven liar, shite husband and crap dad off the wife's hands, and then feign astonishment a few years down the line when she realises his dad/husband gene seems to be missing...

Oh I get it. It's really bloody hilarious that society dictates that women feel that they have to be the homemakers, to nurture children they didn't even parent when the men are too shite to do it themselves.

And the kids are such brats they haven't been raised by mother or father to value a person in their lives who cares for them. Sat laughing your arse off? Well done

Why is anyone with a partner who is too shit to raise his own kids? How does that get onto the list of "must haves" when looking for a mate?

These women need to aim higher

Oh dear I think you have all got the wrong idea ! There are some quite vicious people on here and that's a shame as people turn to others in similar situations for support ....
He wasn't married to her she told him she couldn't conceive and caught pregnant immediately. She did not want him and certainly doesn't think he is a crappy dad . (She felt the need to tell me all her personal life but that's another story)
He is the better parent of the two I can assure you . It's more as a previous person said about guilt he doesn't like telling them off because he feels guilty that he only sees them at weekends . He is always there for his children and very loving towards them . I do tend to take on the mother role without realising or meaning to as it seems to come naturally being a mother myself.
As for them behaving one way here and perhaps well at home ... She is too busy smoking weed and drinking with various people and shoves them in front of the television . I know this from conversations had with her and what the children tell us .
I don't mean to anger anyone by my input. I Was simply talking as a step mother on how frustrating it can be . It's something you can't understand unless in the situation xx

Yes wearing. But so did you when you got with the guy. I don't think the pair of you sat around laughing your arses off about it helps now, does it?

Well done you.

And if your kids aren't thankful to the woman who is doing all this for them then you've done a shit job raising them too.

Jovialjulia I agree x

As for blaming the children ? No it's their parents and mostly their mother who their behaviour is down to ... Oh and the fact they are unclean and never get hair cuts (which we end up sitting ) and won't eat real food because they are too used to processed crap !

*sorting

Op, it is worrying if you feel jealous when your DP kisses and cuddles his daughter. If you cannot accept that then perhaps you need a childless partner. At the end of the day he is her dad and you his partner. Perhaps this is not the type of relationship you should be in.

I really take my hats off to step mums. I left the love of my life because I recognised I couldn't be a stepmother. I couldn't live with the fact my own kids would always be second in the family. I couldn't cope that intolerable behaviour was allowed because it was on limited time. My own kids had parameters; the DP's kids could be as cheeky/outrageous/unreasonable at they wanted. It was all excused.

My own kids had a fantastic step mum. They adore her. Their DF and SM split but now they see far more of step mum than they do of their dad. She is a lovely woman with a huge heart and was a tremendous support to me during the horrendous teenage years.

I think all kids need positive role models and although they might not recognise at the time, they do appreciate these individuals as they get older. Whether that's auntie, step mum, grandparent, friend, whatever, it all matters.

OP, it might not seem like it now, but your step children will remember and love your kindness. You are creating their memories.

I am so glad to have found many people who are going through the same roller coaster!! (Although I'm not glad it is a roller coaster in the first place). I literally don't know what to do with myself at the moment. I have a wonderful partner and a 5yr old stepdaughter (although not technically as me and my partner are not married). She's a really sweet kid but her mum is just causing her and us so many problems. She constantly lies and then accuses her daughter of being a liar when she doesn't go along with it (we know they are lies because she admits eventually). She also makes her daughter sleep in bed with her every night and blames my partner...she says their daughter has seperation anxiety because he left even though she was only a baby at the time, but then my stepdaughter told me she doesn't want people at school to know she sleeps in her mums bed because she is embarrassed. This also means she won't sleep in her lovely bedroom at our house because she doesn't know how to be alone when she wakes up. She gets up every hour like a newborn. Her mum says there's nothing wrong with it and it's none of our business. What the hell would you guys do in this situation? My partner is at breaking point.

jovial you don't know how a man is going to be with his kids until he has them.

In the case of a step mum, you can clearly see the sort of dad or husband your partner is (if he was married) before you get him.

Bai28 . There are one or two judgmental people on here just try to focus on the people that have the same problems . My dp used to have the children in the bed as their mother does and I said I would not allow it if we moved in Together . I have never allowed my daughter in my bed and certainly don't want other people's children in the bed ! So that was it with that one he had to accept it . Really they shouldn't want their child sleeping in bed with a sp. Other than that I'm not sure how much advice I can give . It's a difficult situation and I guess it's about muddling through as best we can . Either that or leave . I know one thing , despite me having a child of my own I would never date a man with children again !
So much for Mother's Day he's just let dss (3) in the room and had a full on loud conversation and blown his nose ... Then asked me if I wanted a coffee ... No but a lie in could have worked ! X