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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feeling blue

52 replies

Themrmen · 07/03/2015 20:07

Not really looking for advice more venting. My do is at a family function tonight (to say me and his family don't get on is putting it midly) I was invited but due to little ds couldn't go. Found out that my dps ex has also been invited. I'm so pissed off, one that I wasn't warned, relations aren't exactly great, and two that after 8 years of seperation she is still being invited to family functions. I feel it's disrespectful if we all got on and no problems I wouldn't mind but she makes our lives hell and still part of the family. There is no escape! Just feeling shitty and wanted to vent

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 07/03/2015 20:54

I understand your pain but they don't stop being friends with her just because she and your dp are no longer together.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 07/03/2015 20:54

Oh my God I'd be effing livid.

I get on ok with my dps parents. But it does any me when his mum is all friendly with his ex. It's like why?? She mad your sons life hell. I know its prob more for the kids than anything but it still annoys me.

I really feel for you. How does dp feel about her being there? Did he know she was going? If so why did he go if he knew you were uncomfortable about it or doesn't he know how you feel?. Xx

Original poster
Themrmen · 07/03/2015 21:06

I know and understand they don't stop being friends they see And chat to each other a lot which doesn't bother me, what bothers me is that no friends are invited to this party it's strictly family only and I don't get why she is classed as family anymore. No my dp was told yesterday she was going, he can't stand her now as she is very difficult and abusive to us. He knows how I feel but he can't not go to the function

OP posts:
alwaystryingtobeafriend · 07/03/2015 21:09

Oh my God.how crap for you. I really feel bad for you. There's nothing you can even do. But you trust dp so really all you can do is try and relax and know he is coming home to you. Not her.xx

FireflyLight · 07/03/2015 21:28

relax and know he is coming home to you. Not her.xx

I don't think the OP is worried about that aspect happening at all. I think she's more pissed off that the ex is treated as family even though she's treated her DP like shit and the fact that she herself, DP's other half, doesn't have a close relationship with his family compared to somebody who has tried to make their lives really difficult.

It's more about the inconsiderateness and lack of understanding for her and DP with the ex being invited.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 07/03/2015 21:41

I know.

But it's just a nice thought.

If her dp knew how she felt he should have stayed home too. My dp would miss a family event if his ex was going. She's a trouble maker though.

It's a crappy situation. I know I wouldn't like it.

wheresthelight · 07/03/2015 21:42

sorry but she is still their family! I still see a lot of my exh family and am regularly invites to family events. I actually felt really angry at my dp's mum before she died that she excommunicated his exw and refused to even acknowledge her existence.

I understand that you have personal issues with the woman but that doesn't mean everyone else has to hate her - always two sides and all that

FireflyLight · 07/03/2015 21:59

I think if you can stay on good terms with an ex's family then all the better. It makes it much easier for the children and makes them feel more secure. But it also depends on what the exact circumstances are. If the OP has her own issues with her own relationship with the inlaws then I can understand her feeling the way she does because obviously the ex is so close to them still. It doesn't help if the ex knows that the OP doesn't have a good relationship and deliberately goes to gatherings because she knows it will get to her ex and his partner.

It wholeheartedly depends on the circumstances. But if she's gone for genuine reasons because of the closeness then I don't see a problem as such.

Original poster
Themrmen · 07/03/2015 22:58

Personally if rither if my sil behaved the why she did I wouldn't he inviting them to family functions. I'm not suggesting they can't have a relationship but I think that family functions are in apporiate to invite an ex to when, particularly one who has behaved ridiculously. I would never tell dp not to go to something his ex was at and I am not remotely worried about them being together

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 08/03/2015 07:17

I actually think you are being quite childish about it themrmen. it's not your place to approve or disapprove of who is invited to an event you are not hosting and actually incredibly rude to not go just because his ex is there. she is part of your life and his family's lives because there are kids involved so perhaps you need to grow up and start acting like an adult instead of a playground child. sorry I know that's harsh but it is true. I don't like dp's ex but I force myself to speak to her and be nice because it is what is best for the kids

thepurplehen · 08/03/2015 07:36

Is the ex can be civil and everyone gets on, that's one thing.

If the family know how much upset she causes op and still invite her, that shows disrespect to op in my opinion.

Original poster
Themrmen · 08/03/2015 07:39

As I said, I didn't not because she was there I didn't go because of my ds. Whenever I have met her I have been polite. I know it's not my place but I am allowed to wonder why a woman who has made our lives hell is still included in family functions, their dc together weren't there, if she was bringing them I could understand. As I said I was having a moan.

OP posts:
PeruvianFoodLover · 08/03/2015 08:17

OP I feel desperately sorry for your DP; I know how hard it is when parents maintain a close relationship with an ex spouse.

Despite the DCs, I don't see it as necessary; DCs can attend family events on either side with their respective parents, there's no need to recreate the historical family unit.

needaholidaynow · 08/03/2015 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MojaveWanderer123 · 08/03/2015 08:31

Just because dc's are involved it doesn't mean the family have to stay best pals with the ex, especially when they have treated their son/daughter terribly.
My dh's family don't invite the ex to family do's because she is no longer part of the family, her dc are but she is not.
It's the same for my ex in laws. I am spoken to as and when required but no way I would go to a family do even if my ex begged and he & I get on brilliantly but it would just be too weird. I was very close to them but it's just not right.
I feel it's very selfish of the ex in laws & ex to maintain the friendship on such a high level. It's not really healthy is it either. No one can move on. The new partner doesn't get a look in because the in laws are still hung up on the ex. It's all very messy.

swingofthings · 08/03/2015 08:39

It is not about replacing the family member though. It's like a new child in the family doesn't replace the previous one, it just add to it. I think that when an ex build a relationship with the family over years, getting close to them so that there is mutual caring, you don't just stop feeling like that just because someone else comes into the picture. It is very possible to care as much for an ex as for a new member of the family.

This is what my parent's ex tried to explain to his new partner but she would have none of it. It resulted in an argument when they felt direspected by her trying to impose who they could care for or not so now they won't have anything to do with each other. It really is a pity as although I appreciate that it is difficult and yes, family gathering could have started feeling awkward (on both sides), I'm sure it is something you get over with to the point when it becomes no big deal.

PeruvianFoodLover · 08/03/2015 08:56

I think that when an ex build a relationship with the family over years, getting close to them so that there is mutual caring, you don't just stop feeling like that just because someone else comes into the picture.

As a parent, I can't imagine continuing to care for a person who has hurt and disrespected my child.

That is what hurts me and my DH so much - that my parents continue to care for & support a person who behaved so dreadfully towards me.

needaholidaynow · 08/03/2015 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Themrmen · 08/03/2015 09:42

No you don't stop caring and obviously they still see each other and talk etc. but surely out of respect for a "new"(4 years) relationship you wouldn't invite someone to a family function who has made their brothers life a misery. Tbh if someone had done even half the crap she has to my dp I wouldn't want her around. As I said if the kids where there that would be different but to invite the ex on her own personally I find disrespectful

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 08/03/2015 09:49

but what has gone on is between her and your dp. it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of his family. and as I said there are always two sides to a story so perhaps they are aware of things he has chosen not to tell you

Original poster
Themrmen · 08/03/2015 09:51

Whether he's told me everything or not her behaviour alone to me is enough really and I don't agree she is family, my dp and her are no longer together after 8 years surely it's time not to include her in family only functions as I said that their kids were not at.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 08/03/2015 09:54

clearly they feel otherwise and as I have said you have no rights whatsoever to dictate who they do or don't invite to a function they are hosting.

Original poster
Themrmen · 08/03/2015 09:59

No I have no right and I didn't say anything to them but regardless I think it's disrespectful

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 08/03/2015 10:03

It's not disrespectful at all. it's nonsense and you are being massively oversensitive. she has been part of their family and she remains considered as so. you say you were invited so they obviously view you as family also. it sounds more like you are jealous of her relationship with them. I assume that you do not have a good relations with his family.

needaholidaynow · 08/03/2015 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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