Feeling blue

[Themrmen]

Not really looking for advice more venting. My do is at a family function tonight (to say me and his family don't get on is putting it midly) I was invited but due to little ds couldn't go. Found out that my dps ex has also been invited. I'm so pissed off, one that I wasn't warned, relations aren't exactly great, and two that after 8 years of seperation she is still being invited to family functions. I feel it's disrespectful if we all got on and no problems I wouldn't mind but she makes our lives hell and still part of the family. There is no escape! Just feeling shitty and wanted to vent

I get on really well with my sister's fiance but if they split up I wouldn't be inviting them to family functions. I too find it a bit disrespectful.

I'd be a bit miffed if my dps family invited the ex. But I suppose if they were best friends with that person before and after the relationship then it's a bit different.

You are justified to feel a bit put out. I would too. It's a bit crap.

Just a shame you couldn't get a babysitter.

It's not disrespectful at all. it's nonsense and you are being massively oversensitive. she has been part of their family and she remains considered as so.

wheresthe are you speaking from personal experience? I'm afraid I'm not as big a person as you - knowing my ex socialises and holidays with my parents, along with his DW and DD is incredibly painful for me.

I hope that I'll always put DDs feelings ahead of my own desire to remain friends with someone, if the same situation ever arose in to future.

Peruvian - yes from personal experience. my exh's family were and are still best friends with his ex and she was invited to his sisters wedding as were we. they had been friends and family for years before her and exh split and just because I came along doesn't change the!

likewise I was very cross with dp's family when they pretty much ignored his exw at mill's funeral. she had been part of their family since she was 15 and they treated her like a complete stranger. whatever she had done she was part of that family and her kids still are. I may not like her for my own reasons but I chose to be with dp and that means that she is also now part of my family. it isn't easy but it is better for the children that on the surface at least everyone gets on.

I loved my mil a lot but she was wrong to cast dp's exw out and I did my best to encourage her to move on for the sake of her grandchildren.

so yes Peruvian whilst I do empathise I also think the op is being very childish is throwing a temper tantrum over who her dp's family choose to spend their time with

my exh's family were and are still best friends with his ex and she was invited to his sisters wedding as were we. they had been friends and family for years before her and exh split and just because I came along doesn't change the!

I really do struggle to understand how any parent can actively accept and welcome someone who has hurt their child into their life.

Isn't their child's wellbeing the primary motivator for parents?

Is he a DP or a DH?

If he's a DP it could be argued that you aren't family either, as you are not married.

His family like her, it isn't disrespectful to invite people you like to functions.

so should my dp banish his exw from their kids lives because they are hurt and devastated that her affair tore apart their family? dp you want the school to expel every child who is mean to your dcs? where do you draw the line Peruvian?

what happens between two people in a relationship is between them and. o one else. ot should not impact on anyone else's lives.

where do you draw the line Peruvian?

The line for me is simple - if a parent chooses to remain friends with their child's ex, even though they know that it hurts and upsets their child, then the parent is putting their own desires regarding their social life ahead of their DCs feelings.

A parent who chooses that should not be surprised if their relationship with their child suffers significantly.

and yet you failed to answer the other questions.

I am still friends with several of my dsis's ex boyfriends mainly because they were my friends long before she dated them so why should I have to cut them out of my life just because they have fallen out?

why can't adults behave as adults?!

Judging by some responses i best tell exmil that i wont be taking anymore food parcels,or buying her much needed shoes anymore,cos her son and i divorced,well im nothing to her anymore.i find some of these posts very sad,what is it teaching our kids.,that people are replaceable.families arn,t just blood.i would never dream of not inviting her to my family partys,or her me.

glad it's not just me ellie!

At what point have I thrown a temper tantrum??? I couldn't go due to our dc, u haven't said anything to his family!! If we all got on it would be different but as I have repeatedly said she has made our lives hell! I have not suggested that sil and her are not friends or don't see each other I know they are still friends. If everyone got on it would be great but we don't as she has been very unkind to me and being down right spiteful to my dp. If it were the other way round I wouldn't invite my exsil to family only functions if I knew there was trouble between my db and the ex, as it's a family function and there isn't a need for her to be there. Like I said if the dc were there that would be totally different.

And having an emotional response isn't childish, I haven't acted on the feelings or demanded my dp doesn't attend or kicked off with his family.

If I were holding a family function , I certainly wouldn't invite (for example) my brother's ex AND his new wife, it's surely just general etiquette not to create awkward situations?

The exception being weddings, and I assume the OP isn't posting about a wedding?

Nope not a wedding

But your sil does feel she should be there.whats gone on in past is just that,the past.i dont communicate with my ex at all,but if my family invited him to partys then no problem.

It's not the past though, she is constantly causing trouble now in the present.

But in these partys all ud both only have to say an hello ,and just not sit near her just interact with other people more.in years to come theres going to be loads of occasions when you will see her,did your dp have a good night tho?

My DH's mum sends his exP a Christmas card and is pleasant when they meet. She (MIL) knows the weird, unpleasant and spiteful things that ex has done (in fact ex writes a lot of snarky things in her Christmas card to MIL) and still does but says that it is best for DSD if she sees her Grandma and Mum being pleasant and that there is no atmosphere. I think that's absolutely right.

The family events thing just doesn't come up (luckily) as they don't live near and are civil rather than chummy. But I can imagine how you feel, OP. It's great if everyone is grown-up and behaves decently but I get your sense of unhappiness because it must feel like his family condones her behaviour.

Whether he's told me everything or not her behaviour alone to me is enough really and I don't agree she is family, my dp and her are no longer together after 8 years surely it's time not to include her in family only functions as I said that their kids were not at.

If the message you are passing, directly or indirectly is that she isn't family, then can you see that from their perspective, you are the one being direspectful?

As said, my ex' new partner tried that line and it backfired. It was never a case of her vs me to them, they were totally prepared to accept her fully in their family, but her attitude that it was wrong of them to still consider me family is what got to them.

In the end, I think her attitude was due to her insecurities. She wanted them to think she was wonderful and would have loved to hear them saying how much better she was for their son than I had been when from their perspective, it was nothing to do with their son but with the relationship they had built with me during the times we got to grow close.

Wankers! Your inlaws sound like total arses. Mine are too, and also keen on inviting DH's ex to things and excluding our new unit. I'm secretly fairly happy with the situation, knowing life would be a lot worse if I did have to fraternise with them regularly.

Let ExW take one for the team. It's the least she can do!!

Seriously OP - look at it as a sort of 'ship of fools' situation. Invite one of your friends round instead. Awful inlaws can be a nightmare, be glad she's happy to own them so you don't have to. It all boils down to a conservative attitude I think. If the PiL's accept the principle of divorce/breakup then they want people to move on and be happy, and want to celebrate the new. If they don't, then through their own screwed moral compass they invite the ex to prove that they don't think it's ok to 'move on'.

Yuk - all this "she's still family" stuff. No she isn't. She's an ex who by all accounts has been really awful to their actual family, OP's DP.

They shouldn't have invite her. And it is disrespectful to OP, the woman who is by their son's side, helping him through life and being his partner etc. etc.

If I were him I wouldn't go and id tell them all exactly why. It's them being childish holding on to the past.

Ha! needaholiday