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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

partners ex....We don't do enough for her

51 replies

cake83 · 07/03/2015 00:06

my partner and I have been together over 2 years.

We're a blended family, 2 kids each (2 sets of twins)

We have my teenagers full.time and his 4 year olds every weekend plus holidays.

The little ones have their own room and everything they need with us.

Our agreement with partners ex has always been pick up kids Saturday morning 10am drop them home 630 Sunday and extra over holidays.

This has never been enough for partners ex, she now works sporadic Sundays til 8 and wants us to get the kids out of bed and drive them to hers when she finishes. We have done this a couple of times to help her out but said(and she agreed) that she would collect them as she was breaking their routine.

partner calls the little ones through the week also.

Ex has now decided we don't do enough. we offered to keep kids til Monday morning so she could get an early night after work and collect kids before we go to work. She point blank refuses.

Last weekend she refused to collect kids said we would have to drop them off then turned up at 2150 to get them out of bed. Is now saying unless we do as she says as she's the main care giver my partner can't have them at all.

We change the access to suit her, taking them extra nights fri-sun to save her money on childcare if she's working Saturday.

Nothing is enough for her. She now won't let partner speak to them on the phone and says we can't have them unless we do what she wants. its a constant battle with her to get things her way.

She is unstable, social services were involved when the kids were babies as she wasn't caring for them and now they're 4 they come to us unclean and in clothes too small and shoes too big.

We're at our whits end and don't know what we can do.

We don't want all this affecting the kids but they are clearly unsettled when we collect them but happy in their routine when we have them....

Any advice at this stage would be appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

cake83 · 07/03/2015 00:33

Forgot to add...

We both worm full time so it's all work and kids, if we ever take a weekend off (twice in 2 years) we're all the horrible people.

Ex wife works pt and rather than spreading her shifts over more days (which is an option in her career) she does a 12 hour shift. We would be more than happy to keep the twins til Monday morning so she could get an early night from work but more so as not to break the kids routine and get them out of bed to trail them to a different town miles away.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2015 03:41

Time to head to court to get orders specifying visitation and access.

Seekingtheanswers · 07/03/2015 07:51

So your partner's ex looks after two small children by herself all week, and works long shifts at the weekends when the children are with you?

And you think you are entitled to weekends off sometimes because "it's all work and kids"?

MaryWestmacott · 07/03/2015 08:10

If she's unstable, and social services are involved, have you discussed trying to get the twins to live with you? It does sound like she's not coping. At 4, if they aren't at school now, it might be best doing the move now so they can start at a school near you in September.

I agree it's not best for them to be driven around at 10pm on a Sunday night, but is it also not best for them to live with parent who can't cope?

(Plus if she needs childcare on Saturdays and Sundays to work, cancelling access is rather an empty threat)

AnguaResurgam · 07/03/2015 08:34

If they are 4 and at school, she's getting the slog of the school week and none of the free time.

I agree that a proper agreement is needed now, that will last through the school years and gives a fairer mix of schooldays/other days.

mayfridaycomequickly · 07/03/2015 08:42

No way would I get them out of bed at daft o'clock - if they went to bed in my house they'd be staying there.

I agree with pps - it needs to go to court. Would you take the dc full time if it comes to it?

wheresthelight · 07/03/2015 08:45

Well nice to see the step parent bashing is starting already!

op there is now way she should be demanding you get them out of bed to take home at stupid o clock but it sounds like she is playing games and whatever you do or don't do will be met with resistance and game playing

as others have said court is your best option or speaking to social services if you have concerns about their wellbeing and have them live with you until social care is happy that she is providing and court appoints correct access programmes for your dp

Germgirl · 07/03/2015 08:57

Step parent bashing by post 2. Excellent.
I agree that it's time to go to court to sort this out. You sound like you're trying to help as much as you can & the situation is becoming unworkable.
And the op did mention that the ex could spread Her work out rather than do long hours at the weekend. So she's choosing to "look after two small children during the week and then work long hours at the weekend". Could she not do some of her hours while the twins are at school?
Op, as a step parent, you will always be in the wrong according to some MNers. It's tedious, but you get used to it.
I hope you can sort this situation out amicably and to the advantage of all concerned.

jovialjulia · 07/03/2015 09:00

At four they are at school all week so she has six hours free time a day. Let's get that bollocks out of the way shall we.

Aside from the competitive she works harder/ we work harder business and who should get "time off". This arrangement isn't working for the kids and that's not right. She has the impression that it's her decision what happens so whilst I don't think court is a good option ordinarily, in this instance she needs to receive the message that she doesn't get to rule over two families, to the detriment of her children.

One thing I would say though is that you should use "he" rather than "we". That's not a dig but nothing will rile her more than feeling forced to co parent with a "we".

TheCuttingEdge · 07/03/2015 09:06

DD is 4 and only at nursery 3 hours a day. Not all 4 year olds are at school.

fedupbutfine · 07/03/2015 09:11

So...you work at the same place as her and know the exact shift options that are currently available and what the ex's bosses/HR department might be able to offer as an alternative?

You seem to think that you and your partner are doing the ex a favour by caring for the children at the weekends whilst she works whilst conveniently forgetting that the fact the ex has the children during the week enables your partner to work without having to worry about childcare or where his children are. You may struggle to have much free time but the same can be said of the ex.

Why can't you have the children until Monday and then deliver them to school? Or is it your expectation that because you are working on a Monday, the ex will somehow have to get them to school - which is why, I suspect, she feels the need to get them late in the evening (traffic will be less of an issue on a Sunday night than it will on a Monday morning). It is not ideal but what is she supposed to do. Not work? Not build her own future because she has children? I am sure you would be critical if she sat around on benefits but she is criticised if she works around her children?

If your partner believes the children are at risk in his ex's care then he needs to follow the appropriate channels - involve social services, the courts and then by default, CAFCASS. Be aware that a change in residence will only be granted if the children are seen to be seriously at risk. Is a case still open with Social Services or was it closed?

Triooooooooooo · 07/03/2015 09:48

Did you not read the post at all fedup ??
The op repeatedly says that the kids mum point blank refuses to let them stay until Monday, she sounds like an utter pain.
I agree with the other posters who say to take this to court op, will be better for the children.

fedupbutfine · 07/03/2015 09:56

The op repeatedly says that the kids mum point blank refuses to let them stay until Monday, she sounds like an utter pain

Unless I am reading it wrong, the expectation is that the ex picks the children up on a Monday morning and gets them to school if the children stay overnight there. So it's a bit devil and the deep blue sea, isn't it? I don't think picking them up at 9pm is particularly appropriate...but I can see how it would be generally easier than doing it at 7am.

MissWimpyDimple · 07/03/2015 09:58

If they turned 4 after September then they won't be at school yet. Although school will start in September so I imagine things will change then anyway.

Sound like the best solution is to have them till Monday morning and take them back before work.

Is your DP paying maintenance? You could adjust that to reflect the difference. (Although this may be why she is causing the trouble in the first place as if you have them more than52nights a year it affects her maintenance officially )

AGirlCalledBoB · 07/03/2015 10:11

I don't understand why she just won't let you have the kids until the Monday morning. That would be the most logical to me so she can work over the weekend so she does sound difficult in that aspect.

But it does not sound as if she is getting a break and could do with some support. Could your oh chat with her to find out what's going on.
I don't think you go to the courts based on what you have said myself.

Also to some of the posters, they may not necessarily be at school. My son is a early sept birthday but misses the cut off so he will be practically 5 by the time he starts school.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 07/03/2015 10:13

Employers by law should assess every flexible working option. Maybe mum has already tried and can't change her hours.
If twins are at nursery for 3 hrs a day she has those hours freetime. albeit not much.

In our house we get dps children 2 nights thru the week and every other weekend Fri-Sun. Maybe dp can speak to his ex and try and sort out something like that. Maybe she could rearrange shifts that would be easier. Instead of her picking up on A Monday morning could you not do an early morning run?

I would only go to court as a last resort.

Original poster

cake83 · 07/03/2015 13:45

Little ones mum does not work every weekend, she works every 3 or 4 and that's the shifts she has chosen. No I do not work in the same employers however I do have family members who do.

The kids are not yet at school they are in afternoon nursery. I didn't post on here to be abused or because woe is me, I posted for advice. The children (all of them) are our world and my partner and I want only what's best for them.

Incidentally we went to collect them as normal and ex wife would not open the door. Therefore ex is not allowing access.

OP posts:

MinceSpy · 07/03/2015 13:54

Cake83 maybe it's time for mediation and court defined access.

fedupbutfine · 07/03/2015 14:08

so which shifts should she pick? Ones that you and your partner say she should?

If she is working less than 16 hours a week, she will have no entitlement to the childcare element of tax credits. Therefore the fact that the children are in childcare for 3 hours in the afternoon means nothing from a working perspective.

Has your partner suggested mediation? That would be your next port of call.

TheMumsRush · 07/03/2015 14:20

If I was their mum, I would pick shifts that worked around my kids, one that didn't mean dragging them out of bed on a Sunday night or waking them early Monday and creating a longer day for them

AGirlCalledBoB · 07/03/2015 14:43

MumsRush neither would I but its one sunday every 3/4 weeks and if it is on rota then perhaps she does not have a choice. It's not ideal but perhaps it's all she can do.

Bonsoir · 07/03/2015 14:49

The residency/visitation arrangements sound really odd and the OP's DH and his exW need professional and legal advice to make it workable.

fedupbutfine · 07/03/2015 14:52

one that didn't mean dragging them out of bed on a Sunday night or waking them early Monday and creating a longer day for them

and if she has no choice? those are the hours she has to work whilst she waits for something else to come up? what would you rather she do?

Plenty of parents (single or otherwise) work shifts or hours that are not child-friendly and have children in childcare,with friends or family. Are you suggesting that we are all piss-poor parents because we don't 'work around our kids'?

TheMumsRush · 07/03/2015 15:00

There's always a choice,

TheMumsRush · 07/03/2015 15:03

Wow fedup! You took that really personally, I was just saying what I would do. I have a ds, I tell work what hours I can do, if they couldn't accommodate I'd make more suitable arrangements

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