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Original poster

Wills

37 replies

HormonalHeap · 03/03/2015 11:36

Married 6 yrs but been dreading opening can of worms that is wills. I have 2 dcs, Dh has 3. Due to recent disability have had to give up work. We were on the same level financially when married but since then dh has been successful, we have bought a good house and he has aquired other investments.

Dh wants to split everything equally between the 5 dcs, and when I eventually inherit from my parents that will also go in the pot to be split with his dcs. His dcs are due to inherit a very substantial amount from a distant family member which they will get to keep.

I think all in all dh is being generous to my dcs, and I'm not sure it's entirely 'fair' on his.
He thinks this is fair. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 03/03/2015 12:06

Very similar to my situation but all of ours are grown with kids of their own, and I too have so far avoided the tricky will situation! Why do you think DH is being more generous to your DC's than to his...doesn't sound like that to me? You've presumably been with him for a few years before marrying and contributing to the family pot! You've been by his side during the upturn in your financial situation...you are man and wife! Also to split the estate between hid DC and yours means your family gets 2/5ths and his get 3/5's, plus your own family money going into the pot! If anything I think the estate should be split 50/50!

hoobygalooby · 03/03/2015 12:22

I would object to your inheritance going into the pot while his dc keep their inheritance to themselves tbh.
That seems unfair and I don't think he's being generous - you are his wife!!!

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 03/03/2015 12:23

Thanks Wdigin2this, i haven't really contributed to the family pot as we didn't live together before married. I put what I had (a small amount) into the house, but dh put most of it in and is paying the mortgage as well as all living costs.

I know we're man and wife, but his dcs will be worse off for their dad re-marrying. Re the 2/5th / 3/5th unequal split, dh says he sees us as one family and that if it was a 'nuclear' family, this is how it would have worked anyway. To be honest, I don't really see is as one family because of his older dcs's reluctance to accept me and behaviour to me, which is why perhaps I feel uneasy about the situation.

OP posts:
chattterbox · 03/03/2015 12:23

I'm watching this with interest. It's a total minefield isn't it? We need to sort our wills out but it's just too confusing and can't work out what is fair or not.

I've asked my DM to leave some for my DCs in her will, otherwise my DSC are going to end up with considerably more as they will inherit from two estates, where as my DCs will only inherit from one estate.

My Grandparents had separate finances, even though they had been married since they were teens and share all their children, no step kids or anything. I'm not sure if it was tax reasons (they were quite wealthy), or maybe it just made it easier when they died.
But maybe it is just easier to separate your assets and you decide who you want your money to go to?

Any solicitors on here?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 03/03/2015 12:25

Hooby yes I'm his wife, but my children aren't his children- and the truth is, my children will still be a lot better off for this will than of j had remained single. Perhaps that's why I feel uncomfortable about it.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 03/03/2015 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 03/03/2015 16:10

Needaholiday I'm no legal expert but maybe if you are 100% about leaving your half of your inheritance to your dcs maybe when the time comes you should put it in a trust for them.

OP posts:
yellowdaisies · 03/03/2015 23:33

If you think he's being generous, and he's happy them I think all is fine. It's up to him who he leaves his money to, and maybe you have contributed to the upbringing of all the kids -his as well as yours - in nonfinancial ways.

LaLyra · 03/03/2015 23:48

My will is set up similar to your DH's. "My" children could be worse off because they are splitting five ways instead of four, and there is a chance that my DD's could inherit from their father/grandparents and DS could inherit (although unlikely) from his maternal grandparents, but at the end of the day I want to treat all five children equally.

The 'they might inherit here or there' argument to me is no different to the fact that one day one of them might win the lottery. They might, but they might not and no matter what happens they will know that in my mind and my heart they are/were my five children. My husband has done the same.

Our wills are set up so that the children's share of the first estate is protected in trust, as advised by the legal folks in case of a remarriage/change of heart after the first death. It's important to remember that step children have no automatic right to inherit so it should be protected if possible.

LaLyra · 03/03/2015 23:49

*DSS

needaholidaynow · 04/03/2015 06:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 04/03/2015 07:26

LaLyra my Dh also wants the first estate put into trust as in addition to your reasons listed above, he says this reduces inheritance tax. Does anyone know if this is correct? If dh went first, I would have access to the trusts to live on till I went, and then they go to the dcs.

OP posts:
LaLyra · 04/03/2015 09:00

needaholidaynow - For me it probably does "help" that I see Ds(s) as being mine, but I know a couple of people who have done similar who don't. They just want all the children treated the same as they are in the house when they are all there.

HormonalHeap - It can do. You'd need to get advice for your specific situation. Ours is complicated because Ds(s) is 15 and the youngest is just a baby so lots of wording to deal with some of the the dcs as adults and some as minors potentially.

chattterbox · 04/03/2015 10:09

I think a lot of it depends on where the money comes from, in my mind anyway.
DH and I have very little at the moment, I'm sure eventually we'll end up with money from property but that's based on the assumption that we live until a ripe old age.
If my mum died tomorrow I would inherit quite a large sum.
Then a week later DH and I could be killed in a car accident and 'our money' (the money I've inherited from my mum) would be split between our 4 children.
I don't think it would be right or fair for my mum's money to end up being split between my 2 DSC, she would want her own DGC to have it.
When it comes to mine and DH's money I'm happy for it to be split equally between the 4 as we both started our family with nothing and we contribute a similar amount, we're equals.
I've got no idea how I can protect any inheritance from my mum to ensure it goes to my DCs though.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 04/03/2015 10:40

In your case Chatterbox I can quite see your point as you and your dh are financially equal. Practically all our assets have been earned by dh though. Yes I might have contributed in other ways but if I'm honest compared to his financial contribution its insignificant.

I can hardly complain about anything I inherit from my parents- but well who knows, they may need it for care one day.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 04/03/2015 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaLyra · 04/03/2015 11:19

HormonalHeap - I think it sounds like you are underplaying your contribution, but your DH sees it. Do you do the bulk of the childcare? Do you pick up any illness/dentist/parties/forgotten gym kit when your husband is at work?

For example I've done term-time work on and off since I married DH. We live in his house which had the mortgage paid off when his ex-wife (Dss's Mum) died and left it to him. Bar a few pieces of furniture and some decorating over the years I've contributed hardly anything financially.

However my DH's job involves being away quite often and when he's home then he's on call most of the time. So my contribution now (for the first 4 years we had no shared children) is to either have full time care of the children 24/7 or be on standby to have them solo 24/7.

Right now on paper it looks like he works really hard and I don't have a job, but I can, for different amounts of time and sometimes with no notice, be responsible for everything else. Ds(s) having serious troubles at school - me. His Mum's birthday - me. Ds(s) having contact with his mother's family - me. Etc etc.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 04/03/2015 11:45

LaLyra I can see you have made/are making a contribution on a much bigger scale than I have, and taking on much more responsibility.

We only have one adult child of dh's living here, although another visits in school holidays. The only 'mummying' I did was for two years when the one who visits lived with us and I collected her from school, cooked supper etc.. and while I'm not dismissing that as not worthwhile, in all honesty, the cost of paying someone to do that would be a drop in the ocean to the income and investments dh has generated and is now suggesting be shared equally.

OP posts:
Storm15 · 04/03/2015 12:02

I'm very much in Needaholiday's camp. I came into our marriage with assets that my father left them to me. I don't want them being passed onto my DSD. They are for my children and my father's grandchildren alone.

LaLyra · 04/03/2015 12:37

HormonalHeap - Paying someone is very different to having someone there making a home that your child is welcome in though.

Is it more about your dh's bond with your children perhaps, rather than the other way round?

chattterbox · 04/03/2015 12:42

Sorry to hijack, but does anybody know how I would legally make sure that the money I inherit from my mum can be kept separate so that it ends up going to my DCs?
Would I be able to use it to say invest in a property but then my DCs inherit that property?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 04/03/2015 12:55

LaLyra yes as always there's history. My children accepted dh in their lives from the start, and one in particular practically sees him as her father. Certainly a parent. The other less so. But.. his dcs have never accepted me as any kind of parent to them, despite my efforts. They simply didn't/don't want to share their dad with me/my children. Dh acknowledges that I have tried my hardest. So I guess there's no balance in any of it!

Chatterbox get legal advice but I would imagine that either she leaves it direct to your dcs or when you inherit it is put in trust for them.

OP posts:
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 04/03/2015 13:07

I'm with needaholiday I love my dsc and would never see them go without but I won't be putting them in my will.

Our house is in my name only so my children will inherit equal shares of that with a clause that states DP may live in the house for as long as he wishes rent free. DSC will inherit their mum's house.

We dont have joint finances so any money in my name will be split between my DC, DP's will be split between all children and DSC will inherit from their mother.

DSC will inherit from their mum's family
DC will inherit from mine
All children will inherit from DP's family

Zamboni · 04/03/2015 13:16

I'm the same as Needa and Storm. My assets are going to my children and that is an absolute. DSD is no worse off as a result of this than she would be if DH and her mum had stayed together. DH's assets are split between all his children. I also have been fortunate to inherit from my family whose view was very much that family wealth stays in their own family, and I both respect and agree with that view.

You can get a life interest in assets written into trust for your children - I have set this up so my DC inherit my assets through a trust but DH has a life interest in those assets to (a) allow him to live in the house until his death or remarriage and (b) provide an income to enable him to provide for the DC in the meantime. I accept that from his income he will make the appropriate maintenance payments for DSD, but the capital is absolutely for my own DC. DH completely agrees with this approach and is, in fact, one of the trustees of the trust.

OP you need specialist advice to put whatever you agree into practice. There is a MNer, I think it is mumblechum, who does this. Chatterbox - same for you. Yes you can ringfence that asset for your children but you need to ensure that you get decent legal advice to ensure it happens as you want.

Good luck with what you decide.

LaLyra · 04/03/2015 13:33

HormonalHeap - That sounds like your answer then. Your husband is happy to split his assets between all of the children because he has a parental role with them.

In all honesty I think when it comes to wills people should be allowed to chose what they wish to do. I think it sounds like your husband has put a lot of thought into this and he wants to treat all of the children equally.

You are also being generous by putting your inheritance into the pot to be equally split.

You are effectively doing the same - splitting all you have. Your DH just happens to have more to share out.

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