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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

does your dp change when the kids come??

49 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 21/02/2015 18:49

Mine does. He becomes less affectionate or nice when his kids visit. it's so frustrating. He sort of gives me into trouble for anything and has a go at me for anything I say or do. I don't even know if/what I have done wrong.

Just wondering if anyone else experienced a change in their dps behaviour / attitude when their kids come over? Xx

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CalicoBlue · 21/02/2015 19:08

Mine does too, he gets a bit more stressed. But I have talked to him about it and he make an effort not to.

It does not change much, it is the same with my MD and DSF are like this too and he is in his 80's. When his kids visit my mother can do nothing right. She goes out or away when his kids visit.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 21/02/2015 19:13

Yea I'm thinking I need to go away every 2nd weekend.

Last night I was out and kids asked where I was and if I was coming back. I'm guessing they half hoped I was away for good.

Also dp said they had a good night while I was away and now I'm causing g an atmosphere. But I haven't actually done anything. I don't think.

OP posts:

Ilovenannyplum · 21/02/2015 19:14

Another one with a DP that gets more stressed. It's like walking on egg shells which isn't much fun.
it's only EOW, it's only EOW, it's only EOW

Ilovenannyplum · 21/02/2015 19:16

I use any excuse to get out the way when mine are here OP, they come here to see their dad, not me so I try and push off out the way as much as possible without looking like the complete 'evil stepmum'

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 21/02/2015 19:26

I agree plum but at same time we are a unit so when they are here it would be nice if we all got along. I should be able to talk freely and do as I please in my own home surely. I just feel so awkward all the time.

Anything I say or do is just wrong. Think we both stress out when kids come. Menolikey. Xx

OP posts:

riverboat1 · 21/02/2015 19:26

I can't think of any ways in which he's different when DSS is around to when he is not, so no. Seems I am lucky.

WestEast · 21/02/2015 19:28

Nope. He's the same person if DSD is here or not. He doesn't pull any Disney shit.

Ilovenannyplum · 21/02/2015 20:10

I have bucket loads of the Disney shit. Does my head in

needaholidaynow · 21/02/2015 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 21/02/2015 20:21

I wouldn't say dp is Disney. Just never on my side with anything and on theirs about everything. I don't expect to come first especially when kids are here but I do expect to be respected and treated like an adult in the home. It just doesn't feel very nice in here tonight and I have no wine.

OP posts:

Ludways · 21/02/2015 20:32

Dh used to get really stressed when dsd came, he's the most laid back bloke normally but dsd used to be a little firecracker who never stopped talking... loudly, it would frazzle his nerves. Now she's older and calmer they're close as can be. She lives in a town between where dh works and where we live, he stops by to see her and they go out for a meal every month or so. Otherwise she just slots into family life.

truthwithin · 22/02/2015 00:16

DP has a complete 360 with personality & values / house rules.

When dsd is good it's great, when she is not it's awful. DP will occasionally overparent dd5 whilst Dsd10 is doing exactly the same thing.

We have many hushed discussions in the kitchen.

rosepetalsoup · 25/02/2015 12:54

Yes - mine does. He becomes less nice, seemed super-stressed and about 10 years older. Also he seems totally unable to tolerate a dynamic of he and I being the adults/even having a private convo...

I used to get angry but I now realise he finds the visits very difficult and is frightened not to pamper DSD in case her mother she decides she doesn't want to come again.

Also he leaves the washing up overnight (v. out of character) and eats more junk food when she's here. This bit I hate the most. But I think he is just reverting to how they lived when they lived together.

Runnyhunny · 25/02/2015 14:14

Mine terrified to make plans of his own or even leave the house when sd here unless it involves her. Shows reduced affection to me and my dcs in front of her,

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 25/02/2015 23:15

I'm beginning to find it stressful the changes in his behaviour when his kids are here.
I seen a message on dsd's phone from her mum saying she doesn't need to justify herself to me. Which is fine she doesn't. But at the same time I expect that when I ask dsd or dss a question they I get an answer. Been ignored twice. Dp done nothing as he has been a bit distant tonight or he just didn't notice - I'm not quite sure.

However I'm really getting to my wits end. I tried talking to dp last night to say I find the kids situation overwhelming and that I'm really struggling as everything I say or do is wrong. He never said anything.

I told him I am reluctant to do anything with his dc as I don't think they have enough respect towards me. I don't think he is happy about that. He has hardly spoken to me since.

I can't seem to win.

Is it Friday yet??? I need wine

OP posts:

swingofthings · 26/02/2015 09:07

It is normal that he should be a bit difference when he kids are around. When they are not, he is solely a partner, when they are there, he is also a father, and more so because he can't be the other time. Could it be that he feels you put too much pressure on him to continue to be more of a partner and father and that frustrates him? Do his children feel you are not giving them a chance to enjoy their dad's company?

in an ideal world, children and sp get along great and sc are happy to spend time with them as much as father, but it is common that this is not the dynamics of the family, especially at the beginning and/or if the children are older and it is important that the children come to spend quality time with their father, not his partner or her children (when applicable).

Talk to your partner and ask him what he expects from you when his kids are around and negotiate from there so that you can agree a compromise that is acceptable to both.

thetimeisnow · 27/02/2015 08:12

I have noticed him change, sort of glad to see it here!
I count down the days through gritted teeth.
She's lovely but its His change I can't stand.

Storm15 · 27/02/2015 08:39

Mine doesn't change. In some ways I wish he would

florentina1 · 27/02/2015 09:11

The children are in a situation not of there own choosing. My DiL tries really hard with my GKs but they don't always respond to,her.

She has divorced parents and tries to recognise how stressful it is for them. She does often go to her mum when the kids visit to give them dad time. You might think, Why should she leave, her own home, but she does it to avoid the tensions you describe.

The dynamics of the house always change when the non-resident children arrive regardless of how hard the step parent tries.

What is so hard, is that even if you agree a strategy before they arrive, there is the unknown factor of what has happened to them between visits. A bad day at school, rows with their mum. All sorts of things bubbling under the surface. I think all you can do is hide your own feelings and try not to add to the tension but continue a dialogue with your OH between visits, regarding the things that have upset you.

Wdigin2this · 17/03/2015 01:16

My DH always changes (into Disney Dad) when his DC come around....and they're in their 30's and 40's!!! If we were all in the same room, it was like he immediately set up camp in their army, and I was gradually driven out, not by anything concrete just odd remarks, sideways looks, all watching some crap program they know I hate, talking over me etc! Anyway, fortunately we have more than one TV room, so basically I set up camp in my own, and disengage till it's over! The weirdness of it is, DH is a lovely guy, treats me great otherwise and cannot understand what I mean when I try to explain how I feel

butterfly2015 · 18/03/2015 18:07

Mine does it too. He makes a massive effort to not give my dc any attention while simultaneously discussing with me in front of sc that my dc have done this/that wrong in some sort of weird way of proving to his dd how perfect she is and how much he loves her.

He lets her leave everything lying about the house while mine get pulled up for not putting stuff in the dishwasher. His dd leaves drinks on the floor which get kicked over on every bloody visit without failand it's my fault for not seeing it. It's a house rule, no drinks on the floor!!
He is brilliant the rest of the time but he morphs into Disney dad and I'm getting creeped out by a 12 year old (on the large size) wanting to lie on or sit on him all the time.

Now me and dc disappear out or my two go upstairs so they end up on their own. I'm not sure he's noticed.

Sethspeaks · 18/03/2015 21:48

Sorry you don't have wine - here you go .

The change in his behaviour is one issue for you and the behaviour of your dsc is another. I'd suggest keeping them separate. It isn't the dsc's fault if he changes when they arrive. Keep talking to him about it, and I'd say when the dsc aren't around. These are hard conversations to have, we can all get defensive if we feel we are being criticised, but somehow you need to get across to him how you feel and in what way he changes towards you.

Wdigin2this · 18/03/2015 23:28

Butterfly, I was feeling sorry for myself before I read your post...that's ridiculous and outrageous behaviour, how the hell do you live with it? The more I read on here about young DSC, the more I thank goodness I didn't meet mine until they were adults!!

butterfly2015 · 19/03/2015 08:13

There have been some blazing rows over it to be honest. We've had a family outreach worker involved with us 'recently due to my health issues and my youngest dd having a few challenges and dh openly admitted to her that his dd is his princess and she's never needed to be told off as she's so well behaved. He seems to be forgetting the Times she's been caught lying or the time she deliberately shut my dds fingers in the door.

Sd does play the game well. Her mum treats her like she's 5, is very indulgent and her dad is a Disney dad with bells on. So sd cries to mum that I treat her different and don't tell her off or ask her to do things. So I start asking her to pick stuff up and sd cries to mum that I'm picking on her. I can't win so I'm backing off more and more. I've started taking mine out when she's here as suggesting he takes sd out is met with "why don't we go somewhere all together" which just leads to more problems.

I love my dh to bits and I've known him since I was 16 but was out of touch for years but this one thing is the only thing likely to drive me away.

shelley1977 · 22/03/2015 12:40

mine does but it only started a couple if months ago when his youngest decided she wasn't happy anymore! weekends are now awful and my children have noticed it too its very stressful and I've been trying to be supportive but I'm usually the one who gets blamed for everything. doesn't help I'm now overdue with our baby and stressed enough

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