does your dp change when the kids come??

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Mine does. He becomes less affectionate or nice when his kids visit. it's so frustrating. He sort of gives me into trouble for anything and has a go at me for anything I say or do. I don't even know if/what I have done wrong.

Just wondering if anyone else experienced a change in their dps behaviour / attitude when their kids come over? Xx

Shelley.

It's awful, you can't do right for doing wrong.

I got informed this morning that sd should not be expected to help or do anything when she is here and he will change her bed etc. My kids have changed their beds, vacuumed their rooms and emptied the dishwasher today. How that will work with sd here sitting doing nothing I don't know. I'm expecting a lot of vocal protests followed by tears from sd, shouting by oh and finally me and my kids going out and leaving him with sd so I don't need to deal with all the fallout.

So glad kind of to see this thread.
My dh changes massively when dsd(8) is here. He flatly refuses to believe he does & says I'm imagining it or that I'm picking on dsd when I say he changes around her. But he does.
He's far more 'brisk' with me, doesn't tell me he loves me, doesn't want to sit next to me or hug me, all things he does almost to excess when dsd isn't here.
He also changes in the days leading up to her visits, gets stressy & picks on me for no reason.
He's not particularly Disney in that he insists dsd does homework, reading etc and has decent bed times which is far more than her mother does but he's fldefiniteky weird with me, it's like I don't matter when dsd is here, I appreciate that he misses dsd & that while she's here he will spend time with her, sit with her etc but sometimes I feel like a complete stranger in my own house.
Even after she's gone to bed he can't relax, always leaping up thinking she's called out for him, telling me off for talking too loudly (I don't talk loudly!). It gets very wearing. I feel like I could vanish EOW & he just wouldn't care at all.
But if I say anything then I'm being 'childish' and 'jealous'.

Ah the joys of step parenting. Mine wants me fully involved but when I am fully involved he gets sh*tty about whether he is "allowed" to make ANY of the decisions about HIS kids. When I go out instead of being full involved I'm being selfish and distant. He'll happily complain about how the ex looks after his kids but then gets in a huff if I mention that he's done exactly what he was criticising her for or mention that I'm giving them some fruit because he KNOWS what they've eaten today, thank you very much, and is perfectly capable of feeding them properly.
It's a catch 22 shot down for helping, shot down for standing back.

I finally told partner after it started again this weekend, told him I hated weekends now but didn't go into all details. It's certainly made him think, whether it makes a difference who knows. I just need to know he will be there for me when our baby is born any time now. his daughters suddenly showing interest as teacher told then they can get out of school when baby arrives, not a hope in hell. my children will be in school and see baby when I get home, there is no way I'm having him leave me for a hour and half round trip so they can get out of school. not interested in baby for any other reason!

That word jealous drives me mad! Why, whenever you try to put your, reasonable, point across, or make any justifiable complaint...are you are branded as jealous????

I can really sympathise with how you're feeling. DP and DSD both change when they are around each other. DP becomes much less affectionate towards me and doesn't think of me at all (eg gets drinks for him and DSD but only remembers to ask me as an afterthought). He is exceptionally affectionate with DSD and spends every second with her. DSD is really obsessive and affectionate with her Dad, never leaves his side, requires his constant and exclusive input into everything she's doing. She never just goes to her room to play (unless he goes with her) or sits down with a book (unless he's reading it to her), she nevers interacts with me when he's around, it's like I'm invisible.

They're in their own little world that I have no access to.

Then when he's not there she becomes this relaxed, considerate child. She makes me tea, draws me drawings and talks to me about everything and anything. She likes us to read together, will watch princess films with me and even sing along to the songs (something she'd NEVER do around DP).

They are like totally different people when they're together, it's really infuriating and I have no idea how to deal with it. I've mentioned it to DP but he doesn't seem to notice he's doing it.

OneEye, I have to say that sounds like both of them think the other has very high expectations of how the visit should be, they're both trying too hard to be exactly what they think the other one wants! How old is your DSD?

OneEyed I could have written your post. Dsd is nearly 9 & when dh isn't around me & her get along just fine. We chat, do craft stuff together, just hang out. When he's around, which is most of the time she's here, they're in their own world. He does the making drinks for them both thing & always leaves me out. It's hurtful & he can't see why it is.
Dsd will suddenly become unable to sit on a sofa, rather, she has to drape herself all over her dad, especially if I'm sitting next to him, if I don't love she then 'accidentally' kicks me repeatedly. I've asked dh to ask her to stop but he refuses to believe she's doing it. I always end up moving to the other sofa & then dsd sits with a triumphant look on her face.
She also becomes unable to play in her room, something she enjoys doing is dh isn't around.
I understand that they miss each other and want to be together but I hate feeling excluded. Dh says I'm silly & jealous when I object (not in front of dsd). I can't win. But that's the life of a stepmother isn't it? You can't win.

See there's that jealous word again??? Why is it always the easy cop-out when men are behaving unreasonably/unfairly/rudely towards you? I have grown DSC and most of the time when they visit I sit in another room, they are not there to see me anyway, and DH just can't help being the soppy entertaining and 'trying too hard daddy' My DC visit and they just blend in with the household...no stress!!

Think im lucky ive not been accused of being jealous, getting nervous again though as nearly weekend and back at hospital tomorrow due to things not progressing as they should with baby. im sure its down to all the stress of weekends this last month especially and now im booked for induction on Tuesday. If it wasn't for the fact I truly love my partner and see a future together id leave.

I feel lucky that OH took onboard my comments when DSD was behaving in a similar way Achy, DSD would muscle in on any affection OH was showing me or when she was having a cuddle with him she'd always check to see if I was watching and pull this weird "triumph" face as though it was a competition. I mentioned to OH that we need to nip it in the bud as it could get out of hand.

We sat her down together and explained that father to child love is very very different to love between two adults and that OH will never love me the way he loves DC and he will never love DC the way that he loves me. After a bit of time she got it and the weird behaviour has stopped. I think she now understands that there will never be competition between us for his attention because we want different things from him.

Sonny thanks for that. I don't think my dh would do the same as he won't admit there's any problem. I've spoken to him about the way dsd boots me out of the way, squirms in between us if I dare to attempt to give him a cuddle & whines & moans till I move if I'm sitting next to dh on the sofa. He just says I'm imagining it.
I must admit I'm getting very fed up of being sidelined, I do understand that he misses dsd very much but he only seems to come alive when she's here. We rarely do anything for us now, can't remember the last time we went out together.
Last night he suggested a run out in his new car. I said yes, maybe we could stop off somewhere, meaning maybe a nice pub for a spot of dinner or something. He looked really animated & said "yes! I know what we could do!"
I waited, eager to hear where he'd thought of to take his wife.
"We could go & get dsd a new lampshade!"
I give up.

Wdigin2this DSD is 8.

Maybe it's a phase they go through at that age? It's brought into sharp relief when DP is around any other children (eg his 4 younger siblings who are close in age to DSD). DSD doesn't allow other kids to hold his hand, she gets very jealous when he spends time with them or shows them any affection. She's the same with me. If he ever cuddles me on the sofa she badgers him to get up and get her a drink (something she happily does for herself when he's not there) and when he's moved she insists when he comes back that he sit with her. She even said once "yay I've got my daddy back!" He did respond to that telling her not to be silly, she's always got him etc. she just seems to be SO insecure about him.

oh my god! That's awful. I can understand that he misses her when she's not with him but seriously? He needs to adjust to the situation and remember that he's not the ONLY person in your relationship.

Would it be entirely wrong if you had a low key little chat to DSD without him? I know some people would frown upon that but, you are in that situation and if it isn't handled then DSD will always do it and as she gets older, if she doesn;t learn to feel more secure about your presence, you'll have a bit of a nightmare on your hands.

My OH is very defensive of his kids and we have had absolute blazing arguements about them, me, behaviour, what is and isn't appropriate. He has come to understand my point that I "have" to live with these kids and so their behaviour must be acceptable to both of us and we have to back each other up infront of the kids every time (We can have the arguement after right?) even if we don't agree with each other we present a united front. Neither of us (I hope) would deliberately do something we know would p*ss the other off and it seems to work quite well this way although sometimes I do get the "they're MY kids and I will decide what happens" but for the most part OH is coming around to understanding that its my life too and i should get a say in what happens.

Still, the lampshade comment has me in fits! Its so terrible. What on earth possesed him???

He seriously thinks I'm wrong to have been upset by the lampshade comment. He said "but she needs a new lampshade" when I snapped something like "could you try to remember I exist occasionally please?"
he just doesn't get it. He thinks about and talks about dsd constantly. If I do ever snap & say something then I'm, yes, that word again, 'jealous'

Aaargh! That must drive you mental.

How do you think he'd respond if you ask him to humour you, say one evening a week or one day a week where nobody is allowed to mention kids? So that you can focus on "us" time?

Honestly, focusing and talking only about kids becomes a drudge. Adults are allowed lives and identities too. Its like an obsession, its not healthy. I don't care what anyone says, i firmly believe that you shouldn't put kids first all of the time. You should do what is in their best interest but they also need to know that in life, in general, the world does not revolve around one single person.

I agree with Sonny. I think a lot of what is wrong with family dynamics currently is that children, especially the 'only child' are put on pedestals at the very centre of the family unit. And before anyone says it, I know in many situations kids come first but not to the point that they expect and demand their wishes/needs/wants, come first and are more important than everyone else's in the household! I think we are bringing up a generation of people who expect the world to owe them.....and that's just setting them up for failure!

On a related note - does anyone else's DSD like to wear her dads tshirts to bed?

At her mums house DSD wear her little girly pj's. She has them here as well but after she's been put to bed and he's read her a story etc, she'll get back out of bed, go in our room and put in one of his t shorts to wear in bed. She announced the other day she's going to do it all the time.

I feel weird about it but don't know if I'm just being possessive - I wear his tshirts all the time. Do kids usually do this?

Sorry for the typos

Yes! DSD (5) has an attitude problem at the moment and is as stubborn as a mule! 3 years of having a disney daddy and getting her own way definitely hasn't helped because now he's trying to set some boundaries and rules DSD is just like, "pffftttt, jog on". Frustrating? Yes! In all honesty I know that I get more stressed too! It just baffles me that he STILL thinks a 5YO isn't capable of making her own bed, putting dirty clothes in a wash basket or tidying up her toys.

Peppapig to be honest my teenagers don't do all that you expect frim your 5yo sd. Agreed it's good to start training them young but she's only 5 years old!!!

Wouldn't giving a NRC "number one status" in a family EOW just add to their insecurity? Surely, welcoming a child into a loving family as an equal is the best way of overcoming feelings of abandonment?

If a NRP acts as if they are "making up" for something, or assuaging their "guilt" for the breakup by overcompensating EOW, then that reinforces to the child they have reason to feel insecure and different. Far better that they are considered an equal member of the household, which is presented to the DC "warts and all" rather than creating a false environment when the DC is there.