Can we successfully create a blended family?

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So for background, I have been with new DP for less than a year but we are talking about the future. He is the first person I have dated who already has children so this is a very new experience for me. He would like a marriage and a child with me at some point in the near future. I have three DCs already (a teenaged boy and two girls under 10. He has a boy under 10. I currently live in a small three bed close to my DCs schools at which they are happy and settled. DP lives with his mother an hour away from me. He has his DS eow and one night a week, I have my DC full time but they go to their dad's EOW.

Recently all the DC have met one another. The first few weekends went well but the last two have been quite tricky with fighting amongst the younger three. We have both found it exhausting and challenging which has prompted me to ask the question about whether we are doing the right thing.

I have been reading this board and it doesn't fill me with much hope. It seems that many given the chance again, wouldn't willingly enter a situation with DSC and have found it challenging. Coupled with the statistics about the failure rate for second marriages, I'm questioning whether I should keep trying or cut my losses now before we're all more attached and intertwined. If I were to end things, realistically I would be looking at staying single until the children left home which doesn't seem ideal.

These are some of my concerns:
Whilst I think DSS is a lovely boy, I don't yet feel a bond with him. He has taken somewhat of a shine to me which I'm pleased about but I don't yet feel about him the same as I feel about my own DC. I want to stress that this doesn't affect the way I treat him, we have worked really hard at creating equality as far as possible. I just wonder if I will always feel like he is not my son or given time will I grow to love him like my own? Is this unrealistic? I also feel uncomfortable disciplining him in any way, so whilst he's extremely well behaved for DP, I think he has spotted that he can get away with much more with me. This has led to a situation where DP tends to think that my DC are the instigator of most of the fights whereas I'm not so sure this is the case - it's probably more like 50/50. I also feel a bit of tension around being honest with DP about this as I know it's not easy to hear when your DCs are being less than well behaved.

The house:
My living arrangements suit me very well currently but the house is not big enough for all of us plus another baby. We have talked about moving but I'm nervous about this for various reasons. It's not a deal breaker for me however.

My DCs:
I feel a certain level of guilt that I am forcing them into a situation where they will inevitably have to make sacrifices that are not of their own choosing. This is a huge adjustment period for us all and I want to handle it in a way that is best for everyone. In some respects I feel like my DP is rushing things - he would like to be married and TTC fairly soon whereas I'm not sure this is best for our existing DC. I have read it can take two years to create a working blended family I'm unsure about how adding another child might affect this process.

DP's ex:
I have some concerns over the level of involvement she seems to want and the lengths that DP seems to want to keep her happy. I try to be understanding but this is a factor for me long term.

DP:
We have very different parenting styles, him being much stricter than me. This is also a factor in me not wanting to be honest about some of DSS's behaviour as sometimes I feel that DP will disproportionately punish him. DP is an eternal optimist and seems to think that everything will be ok but I would rather tackle potential problems before they get too bad. I need a plan. Having said this, we recently introduced house rules to curb some of the bickering and he was fully on board with this so I do think we may be able to co-parent effectively. It is a worry for me however.

I really love my DP very much and want to make a good go of it if we can but I do have concerns as mentioned above. I suppose I'm really looking for advice on how we do this or even to be told that it may be best to split up if that would be the best for everyone. I want this to be handled in a way that puts all of our DCs needs first and handle it in a way that is considerate of that. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, I'd very much appreciate hearing them. Thank you in advance.

Hello. If it were me I wouldn't move in them, but I would carry on a relationship with him. Then, when all the kids are older, you can get married and live together!

Thank you bright. Unfortunately that's not an option as DP has made it clear he would like a marriage and another DC. If he can't have that with me, then it is only fair that I allow him the opportunity to have that with someone who is willing to offer it. It's not that I am against it per se, just the timing is an issue for me. Is there any reason you would advise against moving in together?

As you have only been together less than a year I would give it a lot more time before you make any decisions about the future. Seriously. You both have failed relationships and children. Don't make any major changes to your kids lives at this stage. Give it some more time there is no rush. Put your children before your relationship and give the relatinship time to grow naturally.
Good luck

Wow he really is pressuring you! Moving in with him would be major change for your kids without marrying him and having another child! You haven't been with him long I would be finding this 'do it now or I will find someone else' a major issue.

Thank you Heels. I would be happy to wait to move in, but even so, will my other issues be resolved? He stays so often, we are practically living together at the moment.

He would probably wait if I wanted to. My post was more in response to us waiting until the children have left home as we would be too old by that point.

I think all of your concerns are completely valid. Do you even want to remarry and have another child? I can't see how life wouldn't just get more stressful with you splitting your time between your existing children, SS and a new baby, and trying to negotiate two different parenting styles with a mix of full, half and step siblings. It sounds as if you and your DP are looking for different things out of a relationship, and may be better looking for it with different people.

I wouldn't touch this 'offer' / pressure with a bargepole.

There are other men, other lives, other futures.

And I say this as someone who has DCs fulltime and a partner with DCs fulltime; and no we don't live together.

internet, yes, I think I would like all those things with DP but only if it wouldn't be too detrimental to our existing DCs. I'm not sure we are looking for different things as such, but our timescales are probably different. As he's an optimist, I think he's much more hopeful that the issues I've raised will resolve in time. That might be the case but I need to think about them in more depth and find out from people who have already been through this to get an idea of what it's like to be a step parent in reality.

Line, the thing is, if I can't make it work with DP, I see little point in trying to make it work with anyone else as the same issues are likely to come up. Unless of course I persued a much more casual relationship which I'm not sure I want either. I'm not afraid to be alone by any means, but I love DP and would like to make it work if I can - I just need to address my apprehension and of course split if there are insurmountable problems.

Your apprehension is right. Go with it. Don't over ride it.

It's the pressure that would kill it for me. But at least he's being honest about it.

Blending a family is not the entire issue here. It's the speed with which he wants to marry and have another baby.

I think it's way too quick to be acting on these discussions, let alone with all the doubts that you are expressing. I think you need a lot longer to properly get to know someone, and I think you need to be especially cautious about making any changes and moving in with someone where there are children involved.

As he's an optimist, I think he's much more hopeful that the issues I've raised will resolve in time.

I'm an optimist, that doesn't mean I get to make decisions that could potentially fuck up someone else's kids just to get my own way.

You have three children and are their resident parent. You and your children have way, way more to lose if this "blended family" thing doesn't work out.

You haven't even been dating a year, it's much too soon to be talking about creating a new family that involves four children, one of whom only met the other three recently.

if I can't make it work with DP, I see little point in trying to make it work with anyone else as the same issues are likely to come up.

Why do you imagine that?

I don't think all men are this impetuous and selfish when it comes to decisions that affect children.

I think you can successfully create a blended family, but it is not easy and it would not be a good idea to allow yourself to be rushed into it. In relation to how you feel about DSS I think it is unrealistic to think you will feel the same about him as you do about your own DC's. It is a different relationship. After many years I would say how I feel about DSS is similar to how I feel about my nephews. No one needs two Mums.

I would ask your DP to slow things down a bit, and do an awful lot of talking, about all the various issues, and how things will work out in practice. Once you have a practical plan, that works for everyone involved, that is the time to move forward. If you can't come up with a solution that works for everyone, then is the time to have a rethink.

I agree with Linerunner (and your instinct OP). It's all too much of a rush for success.

This is also a factor in me not wanting to be honest about some of DSS's behaviour as sometimes I feel that DP will disproportionately punish him.

This, for example. A year seems too fast for a new partner to be involved in discipline.

Most of the things you outline will work better if the change is paced.

If you do want marriage and another baby with him, how about outlining a timeframe of 18 months or so before you move in for shared weekends away with all the DC, increasng time together, space to adjust etc, so that he can see you are serious and that it is only the timeframe you differ on?

And explain you feel you need to meld your parenting approaches etc within that timeframe too.

Things really are more likely to go smoothly if you take your time over the foundations. If he can't accept that when it's explained calmly and reasonably, maybe he is the one not well-suited to a blended family.

Thanks everyone for the input. I think I may have given the wrong impression of DP, he isn't pressuring me or rushing me - we have talked about the future and what we would both like to happen. Granted he would probably like another DC sooner than I would but I've no doubt he would wait if I wanted to.

My main issues are around the blended family. Because we've had a couple of difficukt weekends, and the novelty has worn off for the DC, I'm now having to confront, head on, the realities of dealing with SDC and the issues that blended families create. I'm trying to gather as much evidence as possible at this point so I can make an informed decision about whether this is right for all of us and if it's something I can handle long term. I think it's best to do that now whilst it's still early days before everyone gets more attached and we waste more time if this doesn't happen to work out.

Do you essentially like him and his DC and have roughly the same values?

Hmmm, well maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself.

You're still well in "let's see how it goes" territory.

Even if there weren't four other people to consider, you haven't even had your "first shag" anniversary yet

Some of these things you're stressing about will become clear in the fullness of time.

Arsenic, yes, I would say we do share a lot of similar values. He's without a doubt the nicest, kindest man I've ever been with. He pulls his weight around the house, and we have a very similar sense of humour etc. We have eow to spend time alone and we get on great. I actually think we've both handled the difficult weekends with the DC quite well. But, we are both new to this and are trying to find a way which works.

I definitely do like his DS. I feel about him the way I do about any of my other friends' DC or perhaps my DC's friends. I Just wasn't sure if we are meant to have a stronger bond than that over time and how long that takes? Obviously it's early days still so I'm trying to get s picture of what the step-parent/SC relationship might feel and look like. Because we are all spending prolonged periods of time together, it feels different to when we spend a few hours with friends' DCs when they're not getting along. I've found it quite tough going when this has happened and quite protective of my own DC but equally I'm keen to be fair and create a sense of equality. I've no idea if I'm doing any of this right!

The kids have only just met. I think you did the right thing by leaving that til you were properly settled in the relationship. To move so quickly into co-habiting and having another child now goes against that.

Another one that thinks your being pressured. A year is nothing. If he loves you he will happily carry on with the current living arrangement.
The situation with the dc all sounds completely normal, we're nearly 4 years down the line and they argue, I don't feel a massive bond with my dss, my lovely Dp is really understanding land doesn't push the issue. His ex causes lots of problems for us all but we get by and are all happy 99% of the time.

It's bloody hard work, stick with it but do not be pushed into anything!

I think a lot of the problems come when people are trying to live with people they don't actually like. And trying to like people they don't like IYSWIM. But it doesn't sound as though you have that problem.

If you're both feeling pretty serious, why don't the adults make a plan and set a pace that is appropriate for the DC?

I definitely do like his DS. I feel about him the way I do about any of my other friends' DC or perhaps my DC's friends. I Just wasn't sure if we are meant to have a stronger bond than that over time and how long that takes? Obviously it's early days still so I'm trying to get s picture of what the step-parent/SC relationship might feel and look like. Because we are all spending prolonged periods of time together, it feels different to when we spend a few hours with friends' DCs when they're not getting along. I've found it quite tough going when this has happened and quite protective of my own DC but equally I'm keen to be fair and create a sense of equality. I've no idea if I'm doing any of this right!

Sounds perfectly fine and normal to me! Give yourself a chance

Thanks Bathtime, perhaps you're right. I do feel a lot of pressure to ensure the DCs are happy with how things are going. My worry is that this won't be a relationship that lasts and then the DC will have bonded with DP and his DS bonded with me only for us to disappear from each other's lives. I want to minimise the potential upset by deciding sooner rather than later if this is something that I can handle. I guess reading many of the stories here makes me worry that this will be too hard and the pay-off not worth while. I have already read a few posts where the SP says they wouldn't do it again given the chance or it has put them off dating another person who already has DC.

I'm also very unsure how we should be managing things - are they spending too much time together? Should we be encouraging activities all of us together? Sometimes/every time? Should we try to spend alone time with our DCs still? Do we need house rules at this point? Discipline? Creating equality? Resolving arguments? Sleeping arrangements? Keeping DPs ex happy - how much effort should I put into getting to know her?

It feels like a minefield and these are definitely not things I was thinking I'd be facing just a year ago.

People don't post here so much when things are going well.

It isn't a representative sample

More like a collection of cautionary tales