Can we successfully create a blended family?

[ClosedCurtains]

So for background, I have been with new DP for less than a year but we are talking about the future. He is the first person I have dated who already has children so this is a very new experience for me. He would like a marriage and a child with me at some point in the near future. I have three DCs already (a teenaged boy and two girls under 10. He has a boy under 10. I currently live in a small three bed close to my DCs schools at which they are happy and settled. DP lives with his mother an hour away from me. He has his DS eow and one night a week, I have my DC full time but they go to their dad's EOW.

Recently all the DC have met one another. The first few weekends went well but the last two have been quite tricky with fighting amongst the younger three. We have both found it exhausting and challenging which has prompted me to ask the question about whether we are doing the right thing.

I have been reading this board and it doesn't fill me with much hope. It seems that many given the chance again, wouldn't willingly enter a situation with DSC and have found it challenging. Coupled with the statistics about the failure rate for second marriages, I'm questioning whether I should keep trying or cut my losses now before we're all more attached and intertwined. If I were to end things, realistically I would be looking at staying single until the children left home which doesn't seem ideal.

These are some of my concerns:
Whilst I think DSS is a lovely boy, I don't yet feel a bond with him. He has taken somewhat of a shine to me which I'm pleased about but I don't yet feel about him the same as I feel about my own DC. I want to stress that this doesn't affect the way I treat him, we have worked really hard at creating equality as far as possible. I just wonder if I will always feel like he is not my son or given time will I grow to love him like my own? Is this unrealistic? I also feel uncomfortable disciplining him in any way, so whilst he's extremely well behaved for DP, I think he has spotted that he can get away with much more with me. This has led to a situation where DP tends to think that my DC are the instigator of most of the fights whereas I'm not so sure this is the case - it's probably more like 50/50. I also feel a bit of tension around being honest with DP about this as I know it's not easy to hear when your DCs are being less than well behaved.

The house:
My living arrangements suit me very well currently but the house is not big enough for all of us plus another baby. We have talked about moving but I'm nervous about this for various reasons. It's not a deal breaker for me however.

My DCs:
I feel a certain level of guilt that I am forcing them into a situation where they will inevitably have to make sacrifices that are not of their own choosing. This is a huge adjustment period for us all and I want to handle it in a way that is best for everyone. In some respects I feel like my DP is rushing things - he would like to be married and TTC fairly soon whereas I'm not sure this is best for our existing DC. I have read it can take two years to create a working blended family I'm unsure about how adding another child might affect this process.

DP's ex:
I have some concerns over the level of involvement she seems to want and the lengths that DP seems to want to keep her happy. I try to be understanding but this is a factor for me long term.

DP:
We have very different parenting styles, him being much stricter than me. This is also a factor in me not wanting to be honest about some of DSS's behaviour as sometimes I feel that DP will disproportionately punish him. DP is an eternal optimist and seems to think that everything will be ok but I would rather tackle potential problems before they get too bad. I need a plan. Having said this, we recently introduced house rules to curb some of the bickering and he was fully on board with this so I do think we may be able to co-parent effectively. It is a worry for me however.

I really love my DP very much and want to make a good go of it if we can but I do have concerns as mentioned above. I suppose I'm really looking for advice on how we do this or even to be told that it may be best to split up if that would be the best for everyone. I want this to be handled in a way that puts all of our DCs needs first and handle it in a way that is considerate of that. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, I'd very much appreciate hearing them. Thank you in advance.

What happens with his ex?

Can I suggest you all go away on holiday together in the summer, and rent a cottage or a caravan or a tent somewhere that none of you has ever been before - that way neither the house nor the place "belongs" to anyone.

See how it all works out. And if you have a lovely week, talk about this idea again when you get home.

Blending families isn't impossible, but it takes a while to get all most of the permutations sorted out to suit everyone. And three DC's on one "side" (not intended negatively), one on another, a potential new joint DC AND an ex whose behaviour you are already questioning...that's an awful lot of permutations to deal with.

You've only been together a short while, so enjoy being separate but together for a bit longer, and see how it pans out.

Why does it have to be all or nothing? You could continue to be together without cohabiting (or spending virtually every night together which is bound to confuse matters). And if he only sees his DC eow is it necessary at this stage to be spending those times together? His DC might prefer and need some time with him alone.

Having ttc another DC even on the cards for discussion seems like a bad plan to me. Your DC would have to adapt to a new stepfather step sibling and half sibling. How might they feel about it?

you won't be that involved with his DC as your DP only has them oew, yet he will see your DC daily.

In what ways is he "strict"?

A year isn't long at all.

Arsenic, thank you for reminding me of that - it was all starting to feel doom and gloom but I guess it's the same on relationship board re only posting when there are problems.

The issues with the ex: if like to first say that she hasn't been unpleasant and definitely nothing on the scale I've read here, but I get the sense she's trying to control the situation too much, or moreover, DP allows her to control the situation. Gaming said that, I'm sympathetic to her position, it can't be easy for her to see her DS spend time with her ex's new partner. I get the impression she's like to get to know me better but I feel a little awkward about it all and not sure how much time I sgoujd be putting into getting to know her, particularly as its still relatively early days for DP and me.

Good advice acharm. We are actually planning a holiday in the next few months so I think that will be helpful in finding out how well this could work. I am glad to hear it can work out if handled right.

You don't have to move in together to make a relationship work. My DP and I live well over an hour apart and have maintained 2 houses for the past 4 years as he shared parents his DC living near to his ex and mine are settled in school and round the corner from their dad. It would have been detrimental to either of our families for either of us to sell up and move, so we didn't.

The DC wont be living with us forever, his are at university, mine at senior school and they will be flying the nest at some stage at which time we will move in. They all get on well and often spend holidays and family time together. I think that one of the reasons they get on is there is no pressure on them to be together if they don't want to and everyone has kept their own space and friends.

FWIW I am not a fan of 'blending' as a concept. You might see it as a good idea, but your children wont necessarily share your view. If your children are happy and settled I would think very hard before upsetting this. If you think you have met your life partner then a year is no time at all.

Mind you as we are 'old gimmers' we are more focussed on planning our retirement than planning more DC shudders

Also be wary of having him at your house every night, your dcs need space and time with mum. They could become resentful if he is always there

Duck, I agree with everything you've said, but on the other hand I think it's important to establish that we want the same things eventually.

I guess our situation is complicated by our living arrangements. DP lives with his mother where he has to share a bed with his DS when he stays so in some ways it's easier/nicer to have DS at mine. Plus I find having an extra pair of hands quite helpful! As I said, we've kind of just muddled along doing things as best we could - neither of us have known if we've handled it well or not. DP does spend quite a lot of time at my house but usually comes after my DC are in bed so from their perspective, they don't see that much of him. Our weekends are spent all of us together though. This hasn't caused any issues until the DC started bickering and fighting on the last two occasions. Maybe a symptom of them spending too much time together and/or becoming more familiar with one another? If it would help, we could certainly look at reducing this time.

The strict thing: I would say he sweats the small stuff much more than I do for example insisting his DS clears his plate. Other times he's given a harsher punishment than I would in the same circumstances. To his credit though, his DS is certainly better behaved for him than mine are for me! Although I have tried to explain that it's easier with one than three! .

elastamum, I agree that it's certainly possible to make a relationship work when you are not living together. If I'm honest, before I met DP, I wasn't sure whether I did want to be married again or have more DC. However, he was clear from the start that these are the things he wants at some point. I've had to do a lot of soul searching but come to the conclusion that I would also like these things with the right person. It's early days still, but so far he is showing the signs of being that person.

We are just at the point of working out if/how/when things will work and move forward but I've already made it clear that I will not be moving my DCs from their schools. Our DC are also still quite young so we're a while off from them flying the nest. As mentioned, this is a new situation for both of us. I'm not sure blending is the best way forwards either but we are exploring our options currently and I won't be ruling anything out.

I think you need to see this through your children's eyes there are a lot of changes happening and not many of them appear to benefit them.

1. New step sibling, I assume he's going to share a bedroom with your teenage son. So your DS looses his privacy for the sake of the new family.
2. An additional child in the house if you have a DC together. In a house that is already cramped. Plus less of their mums attention because she's now busy with the baby.
3. A step-father who is strict. That's unfair when they have been raised all their lives in a different manner. Not forgetting it may cause a tense atmospher.
4. You only have your children EOW yet when you do have them you are always all together. No wonder they have started fighting, your kids if not already are going to start feeling pushed out. Especially when it sounds like your partner practically lives at your house.

This guy isn't pushing for you all to become a family because he's an optimist, he's doing it becasue he's still living at home and you are his way out.

Thanks Little. Of course my DCs welfare is paramount and I often think about what it must be like for them. In fairness, much of the changes you mention are things DP and I are talking about future wise and the DC are unaware of, so these are not things that are effecting them yet. Part of the reason I posted is because I'm trying to work out right now if this is going to be beneficial or detrimental to them in the future.

1. Until recently DSS and my DC have wanted to share their room so they are all in together and DS has kept his room for himself. If this were to be a more permanent situation we would have to reexamine the sleeping arrangements and look at possibly moving to a bigger house.
2. We would absolutely have to move if we had another child.
3. Whilst I am not as strict as DP, their biological father is strict. So far DP has stayed out of discipline matters for my DC. It's something that will have to be resolved if this becomes more permanent though.
4. you are probably right on that front. Until a month ago, the DC appeared to really enjoy their time together and there were no problems. They have still gotten on for the most part the last two times but the arguments and fighting have crept in towards the end. If it's apparent that they're spending too much time together then we will certainly have to address this and look at spending perhaps only one of the weekend days together or just doing one activity together.

I can see why you think DP sees me as a way out but actually he earns an awful lot more than me and could quite easily set up on his own. He moved in with his mother following his separation with his ex in order to save up for his own place. This is what he would have done if he'd not met me. This to a degree is what has prompted our talks about the future because he was unsure whether to plough money into setting up on his own when we could potentially be living together at some point in the future. As it stands, he will be contributing much more than me financially and is indeed funding our holiday this summer. From my perspective, we've met, fallen in love and are trying to work out the practicalities from here.

Bless your man, he sounds very eager and in a positive manner, thinks that love will conquer all. I think it is nice to be with someone like that as long as you can be the sensible one who reminds him that good things come to those who wait.
Worried that you might not love DSC as much as yours? Of course you won't do so (or most likely won't). That's absolutely fine, he has a mum who already loves more than anyone. Relationships between step-parents and children come in all shape and forms, but you don't have to love them as much as your own to have a very fulfilling relationship.
Worried about your children? Most likely, they will love to be able to be in a 'conventional' household. Have they expressed any concerns yet about you all moving in together? Children are much more adaptable than we gave them credit for. They children have not known each other for long, it will take time for them to adjust and learn to appreciate each other.
The ex? Well, she's the ex, again, your partner and she have been used to a status quo in their separated relationship, so things might not change radically immediatetely, but they will adjust to the new set up.

So really, it all comes down to patience. He wants to rush things whereas you rightly want to move slowly. You've only been together for 1 year, no need to rush into marriage and more babies. That's the outcome of you making it work as a new family, not the other way around.

IMO he should get things set up better at his mum's (or rent his own place for a while) for some weekends, a bed for his DS and so on.

You mention that your boyfriend tries to keep his ex happy, will she have much influence in your realionship I wonder, as that in its self can be very probmatic.

Hello again OP. I think your DP sounds very nice and your approach sounds very sensible. My reservations about moving in together are that you currently have everything set up really well and a good house/balance with your ex and so on. Your DP on the other hand is probably not as well off and has no house, hence his eagerness to move (forward). I think your DCs and you end up losing out financially here. However, they could end up gaining a dad figure on site, which is valuable to them, though I'm worried about the strictness. If you let him move in, make sure you keep the upper hand. If you got married, would you bring a lot more to the marriage than he would? Also, do you want another baby? You need to be aware that your DP wants desperately to be back in a conventional family with a conventional family home. Is that what you want?

I do think it's possible to have a blended family but it takes lots of effort and only you can decide (in retrospect) if it's worth it.

I think you are taking the right approach to this however and being very thoughtful.The stakes for a 2nd marriage are higher. 2nd marriages do have a high failure rate.

Your DCs:
I think you have to consider the sacrifices for them - there will be 'losses' and somehow it has to be balanced with more positives. An example my dsd's mum has remarried and the new man's children stay over in a smallish house. She no longer has a chill out area or is as free to have friends over as there is always someone in the living area. This has become more of an issue as she enters teen years.

DP's ex:
From my experience DH's ex escalated issues when we had a baby, it seemed to be a major trigger for her. I could not have forseen her reaction as she already had children in a later marriage. To some degree there will always be a connection with the ex so this is something you have to get used to.

DP:
DH and I have similar approaches to parenting however we have had major issues around 'fairness' to each child. It's truly very difficult to balance this as my children live with us on a fulltime basis and it's become more challenging as the dc's get older. An example - my dc have generous godparents and have contributed savings which I have used for a Uni fund. DH's ex was given savings for DSD however that has been spent on high value items that dsd wanted at the time (and my dc's don't have) so now we have zero funds for DSD.We will have to make up this shortfall, somehow, and I fear I will feel resentful.

Finances:
I had my own house when I met DH and then we had a child together - I did lose financial independence whilst on ML and that meant DH had to financially support the household, finances were and are still tougher as a result of a new child. Think through how the finances for your children would operate when you have a baby. Would your Dp agree with how you spend joint money on your dc's, especially if money is tight? How would you split assets if you married - do you have pensions, equity, savings?

Generally I think it takes 2 years at least to know someone and if you have dc's you need to be cautious about committing to someone. DH's ex remarried within 2 years, had children and the marriage failed. She is now in a 3rd relationship and it's been such a rollercoaster for the children. She would say she's optimistic and trusting, others would say she makes poor choices and isn't cautious enough.

another point - DH & I adore the dc we have together but we no longer have free time and this puts additional stress on our relationship. The free weekends we did have (when children were with the other parent) were very valuable in providing down time from blended parenting. A friend has chosen not to have an additional child for this reason alone - she values the free time too much.

I agree with pp, this is too early to be moving in. The kids need to get used to your DP and each other.

I had two years of living with my DC whilst DP lived a few doors away with his DC, he is RP. We felt that living close but not together would help build the blended unit, and gave us time to decide if we wanted to move in together. We had eow on our own and then the weekends when we had the DC we spent some time together and some doing our own thing. We would all go on holidays together, the DC all went to the same school. It worked really well.

THEN we all moved in together, 6 years ago. I don't think anything can really prepare you for how it will be. The things we thought would be a problem are not and other things become problems. Do not underestimate the impact the ex will have on your day to day life. Do not expect to love his DC like your own, you are setting yourself up to fail, a friendly relationship is good. The kids absolutely need one to one time with their parent, that needs to be factored in. Our kids after being best friends for years, now will not talk to each other.

We survive by absolutely adoring each other, we know how important our kids are and make space for that. We make sure we have time together, date nights and weekends away.

We did not have a child together. I think that would help build the family and the kids will have a sibling in common. But within a year in my opinion is too early.

As he does not have to sell a house to move, could he rent near you and start the transition slowly?

I don't think you need to worry that if this does not work out that is it till the kids leave home. Life is full of surprises.

In a few words, Curtains, it's way to soon!! You should give yourselves another year before making any serious commitments! You are right, there are a lot of ladies on this forum who, with the aid of a crystal ball, would have done things very differently...myself included! Take time to know it's the right thing for you and your DC, and if it doesn't work out hey....only when you're my age you need to worry there's nobody else out there for you!