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Original poster

How would you feel?

44 replies

redredholly · 29/01/2015 14:34

Hello,
My DH has recently upper the maintenance he sends for his older children. We have two children also. While I am proud of him for doing so he did it completely of his own accord and only mentioned it to me later - not all our accounts are shared. I'm pleased that he has done this as he's a good dad but also it's made me feel a bit anxious and out of control, for reasons I can't put my finger on. We're not loaded but can afford it. Does anyone have any wise words? Thanks.

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TheJingleMumsRush · 29/01/2015 15:26

Tbh, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

TheJingleMumsRush · 29/01/2015 15:30

Sorry, that's not much help but don't know what else to say. i wouldn't mind if my DH didn't run it by me as its between them and I trust DH wouldn't put our finances in jeopardy

Original poster
redredholly · 29/01/2015 15:39

No thank you Mumsrush that's extremely helpful. Sometimes step things can make you feel a bit melancholy for no reason. I trust my DH too.

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 29/01/2015 15:41

I think I would like it to be discussed with me first,not so I could stop him,but just because that's how I like a partnership to work.

WestEast · 29/01/2015 15:42

Wouldn't bother me. He must have thought it through, decided it can be afforded and is going to benefit his children. My DP decided off his own back to start up a saving account for his DD and told me afterwards and I was chuffed he did.

TheJingleMumsRush · 29/01/2015 15:42

Yep, you can end up second guessing every feeling,

Original poster
redredholly · 29/01/2015 15:54

Ok thanks everyone - it helps. I've nobody with this experience to talk to in real life, or just mention these things to and have them normalised.

OP posts:
WestEast · 29/01/2015 16:16

It's a minefield at times!

bf1000 · 29/01/2015 16:17

I wouldn't mind extra money being paid, but I would expect to be told or involved in a discussion first. Mainly because it would have a knock on effect on finances and if both of use made financial decisions separately without realizing the other was spending too we could have problems paying bills that month.

SurlyCue · 29/01/2015 16:21

I think if its by a largeish amount then yes it would be better to discuss it beforehand but you mention not totally shared money so i am guessing it is coming out of the money he uses as his own and not shared money? If so then i suppose it isnt reducing family money and would be just like him taking up a monthly hobby or subscription out of his own personal money.

needaholidaynow · 29/01/2015 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight · 29/01/2015 17:00

I have to disagree with mumsrush (sorry hun) but actually it would really piss me off if DP did this without discussing it with me. I would never stop him but although DP is very good at managing money and we share the cost of bills based on the %% split of our income. DP pays the most as he earns 3 times what i will be earning when i go back to work. However our budget is very tight and any increase of maintenance (when he already pays way over the odds as well as ALL school clothes and shoes plus 50% of school trips) would have a significant impact on our own household.

If you ignore the fact the money is going to his children for a second and look at it in terms of a substantial increase of outgoings every month then it should be discussed - you wouldn't approve of him buying a new car on HP without first discussing it with his partner!

parttimer79 · 29/01/2015 17:17

All our finances are joint so I can't imagine it happening - we discuss all financial decisions including the pps example of taking up a new hobby etc. sorry not much help there!

TheJingleMumsRush · 29/01/2015 17:21

That's ok wheresthelight Smile not all situations are the same. I'm a sahm so DH earns all the money and pays all the bills. If he wanted to make a massive jump in payment and it would impact us I know he would talk with me first, but if we can afford it with no impact then no real need to tell me.

FringeDivision · 29/01/2015 17:29

I think that if you choose to have separate finances, it follows that you will each make decisions regarding 'your' money without considering it to be any business of the other person.

If you want a true partnership in all senses then I think you need one pot and everyone's money goes into it and all major outgoings are agreed in advance.

concretekitten · 29/01/2015 19:31

I wouldn't be happy about it but our situation is different.

  1. we discuss everything with each other, not that we feel we must but we just naturally do.
  2. we're skint and tbh I begrudge what we pay in maintenance. We pay an amount which was agreed when DH earned more and had no extra children. We now have 2 children together, his bonuses from work aren't what the used to be. His ex n her boyfriend have a household income about 3 times ours. So for him to increase maintenance would be daft in our situation.
  3. although DH earns more than me I control our finances because he has no financial sense whatsoever.

In your situation I don't think I'd mind that he'd made the decision but I'd be sad that he hadn't at least discussed it with me.

Original poster
redredholly · 29/01/2015 19:32

We share our household expenses equally (depending on what each earns) and then use up the rest of the money as we want. I must admit I was surprised he only mentioned it afterwards but I can't really find anything wrong with it, especially as the amount he pays (and it's deffo 'he pays' rather than 'we pay') has not gone up for years. He has been spending a lot on the older kids recently but I think I should be wary of discouraging that if it's not reckless.

OP posts:
concretekitten · 29/01/2015 20:15

With us it is 'we pay' as we just have one pot (although separate accounts), maintenance comes out of his account but if for example I buy DSC clothes it would still be 'we have bought them clothes'.

It's quite simple for us cos after the bills are paid we don't have any money left over so there is no 'my money/his money' to argue over or get hung up over. We have fuck all, probably simpler that way x

Storm15 · 30/01/2015 08:16

We have very much joint finances. I'd be livid if DH made a decision that affected our household income without mentioning it to me first. I wouldn't ever try and stop him from giving money to his child (unless she had addiction issues or something) but I'd expect him to discuss it with me. We both work and we both pay into the pot...it's our pot!

Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 08:39

So interesting to hear all the different perspectives/situations!!

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LetticeKnollys · 30/01/2015 08:52

I would have wished he had told me, yes. Anything else I would express my annoyance to him, but for this one thing I would perhaps let it slide because I would not want to come across as grasping/resentful of DSC when I'm not, which I feel it would be very hard not to come across as when complaining about this issue. If we couldn't afford it, that would be different.

Quesera21 · 30/01/2015 08:54

Honest answer - is I am not sure. We have separate accounts -so he can do what ever he wants in theory.

Has he had a pay rise, bonus etc?

In the past 3.5 yrs, I know my Ex has had 4 significant pay rises and 3 large bonuses - his maintenance has stayed the same throughout and a percentage of the bonuses going to his DCs - not seen any of it!

So if he realised he was underpaying and sorted it - then good on him and none of your business, he should have been paying anyway!

Still not sure though.

Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 09:23

I think Lettice sums it up perfectly.

OP posts:
Sethspeaks · 30/01/2015 09:27

I think it was odd not to mention thats what he was planning to do. I don't get why he wouldn't.

My dp doesn't pay maintenance but if he did I'd be expecting him to talk to me about it. Not in a need to control or veto way, we just talk about everything to each other so it would be strange.

It's great thst he is upping it if it hasn't changed for a while, it's refreshing to hear about an nrp who has.

TheJingleMumsRush · 30/01/2015 10:06

Do you have your dsc full time Seth? I hope mum is paying something

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