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Original poster

How would you feel?

44 replies

redredholly · 29/01/2015 14:34

Hello,
My DH has recently upper the maintenance he sends for his older children. We have two children also. While I am proud of him for doing so he did it completely of his own accord and only mentioned it to me later - not all our accounts are shared. I'm pleased that he has done this as he's a good dad but also it's made me feel a bit anxious and out of control, for reasons I can't put my finger on. We're not loaded but can afford it. Does anyone have any wise words? Thanks.

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yellowdaisies · 30/01/2015 10:21

We have separate finances, but I would always expect DH to discuss with me any major financial decisions. Eg we've discussed how to fund DSD when she goes to Uni, even though it will be DH who is paying. I wouldn't expect him to discuss a one off expense of theirs he'd agreed to but a regular comitment, yes, I think it's reasonable to discuss or at least inform you of what he intends to do. Presumably it's been discussed at some point and you knew how much he was paying, so you've been rather kept in the dark if that's changed and he's not told you.

Sethspeaks · 30/01/2015 11:22

No, they are adults.

Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 13:24

Yes I knew how much it was, and he told me about the increase after he'd done it but only a few days after. To be honest I would have preferred him to talk it through with me in advance but I don't think I can be bothered to mention it now as nothing will change but only I will seem stingy and resentful (which I'm not).

The way he was thinking of it was obviously as coming out of his personal spending money rather than our joint money, and also because he has paid for less holidays/trips in the last year as a kind of re-dispursing of those funds. I understand the rationale but still wish he'd spoken to me first, but I don't think I can raise it -- unless anyone can think of a delicate way? And not this weekend, as we've actually got the DSC!!

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yellowdaisies · 30/01/2015 13:30

Maybe as part of a more general discussion about how you view your "separate" finances - the sorts of things you like to discuss, the need to keep each other informed, even if some of the money is "yours" or "his" - eg big comitments, but not day to day expenditure?

Or as you have younger DC, could you bring it up in the context of needing to ensure fairness between them all? ie if there is expentiture needed on your joint DC it might have to come both from DH and from you, so maybe you can keep each other informed over what money you have aside for them, and any other major comitments made for it?

How would DH feel if you were to offer to help a relative out with a substantial part of your own money? Or spend it on something that was nothing to do with him? Would he want to know or is it completely your own personal spending money?

Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 13:36

P.s. Yes Seth my DH is a good egg -- His eldest is quite distant from us and almost at the point of leaving home, and I think he is concerned to make sure she has enough money to launch into the world (while still having a home [i.e. her mum's] to go back to). We will have at least 16 years of raising our own children together and are only at the start of our story. Five years down the line I imagine we will have a much more joint approach. But I have deliberately stayed out of his decisions over DSC, to make things simpler for myself. I think perhaps the answer is that I start a (secret?) savings account for the same amount he has upped it by and so level the playing field between our bank balances again!!

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Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 13:37

He actually wouldn't mind at all yellow, as long as the relative wasn't taking the piss. He would be easy about it.

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Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 13:38

I definitely do end up buying our DCs more fun things (clothes, toys) but he gets all the boring stuff like nappies and food. I am not too bothered to split hairs at the moment as we're both ok at the end of the month, but I think once his older kids have left home we will properly join.

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Endler32 · 30/01/2015 13:43

Hi redred, my dh has just done the same, he has 3 children from previous manage but 2 are now adults, he felt he could afford a bit more so now puts a set amount into ex's account each month ( instead of going through CSA ). I am not too bothered by it, I would rather he went through the CSA but he assures me it's ok as he is transferring into her bank not giving cash. We both have our own bank accounts ( not joint ) so there's no need for me to have anything to do with it tbh.

Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 13:44

Also yellow it is so hard to discuss fairness as our DCs are obviously going to get a better deal than his older ones largely in terms of having a coherent household, two parents on the scene, two real salaries, savings made for them a sane, wage earning mother and so forth.

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Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 13:45

That's interesting Endler, and thanks for sharing. We should I think be pleased with our DH's on the whole, but the step world is a weird world to live in sometimes x

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Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 13:48

(so weird it makes me use misuse apostrophes Grin)

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Goneintohibernation · 30/01/2015 13:54

I'm trying to work out how I would feel about this, and I think I would be mildly put out that DH hadn't discussed it with me, but not massively bothered. We have separate accounts, as well as a joint account, so it is his money, and as long as he has enough to put his half into the joint account still it really is none of my business. That said, I am fairly sure he would discuss something like that with me first, because we are a couple, and discuss most things in life.

Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 14:01

Yes we discuss most things, even what to get DSC for xmas and extra treats for them and so on. It was a bit weird, but I think he has been in some turmoil worrying about them and we didn't have much spare time over those days (I was away with work) and I think he just did it.

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concretekitten · 30/01/2015 16:46

Yes we discuss most things, even what to get DSC for xmas and extra treats for them and so on

Do you not buy their xmas pressies? Just me? The only present DH buys is mine n I have to tell him what to buy me lol
Although I've told him next year he can buy for DSC and his family himself. Hope they enjoy their gift vouchers purchased on his way home from work on xmas eve haha

yellowdaisies · 30/01/2015 16:49

Do you think he feels bad about effectively channelling money from your household to his ex's? Sounds like you understand why he did it and approve, but maybe he was worrying that you wouldn't?

Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 16:51

No I don't think he sees it like that. I think he thinks he's going to be spending less on the DSCs by way of holidays etc. in the coming years and that this is that money administered directly.

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yellowdaisies · 30/01/2015 17:10

That's fair enough then really isn't it? Their needs change and their mum is now paying for more of them so he's giving her a bit more towards them.

Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 17:27

Yes, I think so. Ah well it will bode well to be generous rather than stingy, I think! No matter about the small niggles of the issue. If he does it again though I will discuss with him. Thanks everyone.

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wheresthelight · 30/01/2015 22:29

haha concrete I get left to do all the birthday and christmas presents too!! DP is bloody useless, if I left it to him they would get cash in a card!

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