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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Would you cope

45 replies

TheJingleMumsRush · 17/01/2015 21:06

If you had to have your DSC full time? I've seen another thread where this has happened and I just don't think our marriage would survive. The space alone would drive me to the edge, we can't afford to buy a bigger place so all three in one room EOW.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheJingleMumsRush · 17/01/2015 21:08

Plus the way I cope is by a hell of a lot of detaching, that's ok eow but full time? No, I don't think I could live like that. It's sad but it's true.

OP posts:

HeadDoctor · 17/01/2015 21:19

Yes. My life would probably be a bit easier. A lot of our stress is waiting to see whether the exW will "let" the DSC come each week and if she does what drama there will be about it.

wheresthelight · 17/01/2015 21:21

I think it would depend on the circumstances.

As it stands we may have to take the kids in due to the neglect etc if it continues or escalates again - she has allegedly booked an appointment for the dsc's to get the foot fungus sorted and has been nit treating according to dsd...

However, i think if my relationship was bad with the kids then it would end our relationship as due to work issues it would be me doing most of the childcare and that would put an awful lot of strain on us.

Original poster

TheJingleMumsRush · 17/01/2015 21:50

The reason I detach is not because of the children, it's more the fact that I have no say. My DH gets very defensive and is a bit Disney. His ex isn't a problem at all, in fact, it's me who reminds him to run things by her if there are any changes (although, after reading another thread, showing a third party some consideration regarding changes is not important)

OP posts:

slkk · 17/01/2015 22:26

We did at one stage with no notice quite soon after we moved in together. Actually in the long run it was very positive as it helped establish a firmer family unit here and reinforce our home was their home. It also meant that I had to get fully involved with them be a parent figure. Now that arrangements are more like 50:50 we have still kept those roles. Perhaps if it had happened later in our relationship or when the kids were older it would have been harder.

Original poster

TheJingleMumsRush · 17/01/2015 22:39

Wheresthelight I have pm'ed you

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 17/01/2015 23:05

sorry toddler vomit everywhere! have replied mumsrush xx

riverboat1 · 17/01/2015 23:42

I have no idea how I would cope. If DSS's mum was out of the picture and DSS came to live with us full time it would mean huge changes to life as we know it. Everything would have to change: work (for at least one of us), evenings, holidays, the language we speak. And most significantly, my relationship with DSS would surely have to change if I was a de facto mother figure to him, rather than the 'aunt/godmother/friend' type figure I am EOW right now.

Life and my relationship with DSS would take on a new form, definitely. I might be perfectly content with it or I might crack up.

I wouldn't worry too much about my relationship with DP being up to it, I think that part would be fine. It would be more my own personal loss of the freedom of a childless life that would be the issue for me.

In any case this is extremely unlikely to happen unless the absolute worst came to pass and DSS's mum died. So it's highly improbable that it will ever be more than a hypotethical thought exercise.

NoPinkPlease · 17/01/2015 23:46

I have not what I expected when we first got together but it's (overall) been a pleasure and privilege. Hard work but I think it's been ok!

Original poster

TheJingleMumsRush · 17/01/2015 23:48

That's good to hear NoPink :)

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 18/01/2015 00:37

I think a lot of the common problems in blended families often stem from the conflict DCs feel between their parents/homes. I often wonder whether, in situations iwhere there is a fragmented relationship between DC and parent (though loyalty, fear etc), it would heal if the DC was placed in the full time care of the parent they are rejecting; but without any influence from the other parent. This has recently been applied by court in the UK in a case of alienation.

It's never that simple though, because then grief for the "lost" parent would then be a factor in the DCs ability to form relationships within the family.

AlpacaMyBags · 18/01/2015 01:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalicoBlue · 18/01/2015 12:17

Space wise we would be fine, DSS already has his own bedroom. It is the stress I would struggle with. DSS does not like me and won't talk to me or my kids. Dh is very much Disney and lets DSS do what he likes. It is always tense when he is here, which at the moment is only 1 or 2 days a week.

I would absolutely hate it if DSS lived here full time. Would not happen though, Dh travels a lot with work and DSS won't be in the house alone with me.

MuttonCadet · 18/01/2015 12:28

Yes, we'd be fine, but my step kids are teenagers and are with us 60% of the time anyway.

NurseInScorn · 18/01/2015 14:24

No I couldn't cope. Dp is Disney even though his son has just turned 19. I have no say. Last night dss was playing loud computer games at 1am and I said to Dp "could you ask dss to play those games downstairs so I can get to sleep? " well I might as well have said "I'm going to whack dss with a frying pan, is that ok?"

I just have to keep my god shut when he's here. Couldn't do it full time, no way.

Ragwort · 18/01/2015 14:35

Nurse - genuine question, why do you put up with it? I couldn't live with a man who treated me with so little respect yet worships the ground his son walks on.

Are you tied up financially with your DP? Do you have children together? Surely your life would be a lot better without DP and his son?

Have you posted on here before, your story sounds familiar?

redredholly · 18/01/2015 14:41

I couldn't cope with it unless I was allowed more agency to shape the kids. I.e. stop eating junk food constantly, do some exercise, go to sleep before midnight, dress in normal clean clothes, treat for nits, help clear dishes away/ make beds, do teeth....etc. All things their mother has taught them are silly fussy poncey things to do...!!!

Maroonie · 18/01/2015 14:44

Happened to me, very unexpectedly and early in the relationship.
It was really hard but in a way it cemented us- if that wasn't going to break us apart then not much would!
Now things have settled it is easier as we have a strong bond a very equal partnership and we don't have anyone else influencing our plans And the main thing is that SS is much happier now he is safe and settled which makes life easier and happier for everyone

FeelTheNoise · 18/01/2015 14:57

It has happened. We are still in the struggling stage, and I bloody hope it passes! DSD was raised to disrespect DP, and as a result she is very challenging! DSDs mum has deserted her, but still tells her DP and I are not to be trusted, we are alcoholics and drug addicts etc, so poor DSD is frankly a mess.

We are turning the situation around, but it takes time. DSD is very used to ruling the roost, and she is very reluctant to accept that actually DP and I are in charge. I'm not used to this level of daily conflict, and fucking hell it's difficult. We are now at a point where I have asked DP to solely manage her behaviour so that I don't have to, because they don't like it when I step in. But I made it clear that I will step in when DSD gets out of order - he needs to manage her (ridiculously high) expectations, and help her to understand that she is not in charge.

I have inherited a sweet and curious DSD who is still finding her way after some bloody awful experiences. Unfortunately she becomes a bolshy and rude bully if she is allowed to. She's very overweight, and I also have to balance managing her diet, without seeming mean! I'm of the opinion that an over wright child should have age appropriate meals on a daily basis, but if she has less on her plate than DP she challenges this. I eat the least, and I will joke and say that neither she nor I want to be big hairy blokes, and that man portions would put hairs on our chests! Difficult.

DSD also struggles with the concept that I'm an adult. On nights out I do wear short skirts, teamed with tights and flats. DSD wants to wear miniskirts every day, but she is too young! But she can't compute that she can't even though I can

impatienceisavirtue · 18/01/2015 18:22

I would cope because I adore DH and would just have to find a way.

I would be bloody miserable in all honesty though.

evmil · 18/01/2015 18:52

We would be fine. My DSS's have always lived with so in that respect i am used to it, and so are they. It works quite well because they only have one set of rules and they are enforced by both me and DH. They know what it is expected of them, and they know what will happen if they don't do it. I have had very few problems with them and they are rather lovely to me (its usually DH they save the worst for!)

However, sometimes i do find it incredibly difficult. I found it difficult to adapt when i first moved in as i had no children of my own and didn't really have any experience with kids. I also used to find it strange (and slightly irritating) that they would, and still do, sleep in with DH sometimes, but thats not really an issue now. I love them dearly but i find it a lot more difficult to discipline them that i do my own DS (though it might be because they are teenagers). I do tell them off as DH works away quite often so i need to be able to and they generally listen however if I have a choice i will leave it up to DP. And all the serious stuff is dealt with by DP anyway.

If I'm totally honest i think it works because of their mums. DSS1's mum has no contact whatsoever, which obviously isn't nice for him but means that we are not in conflict with someone else about how to deal with him. Also, DSS2 and DSS3 do see their mum but not often as she is in a different country. They talk to her a lot and do have close relationships and she is also really good at backing up what DH says. Again this stops problems with conflicts.

Also, at the minuet DSS's best friend is living with us, and will be for the foreseeable future. I'd say that is a lot more challenging as he has come from a house with no rules or boundaries and I find trying to implement rules difficult as i know he is not used to them so will find it difficult. I.e Trying to get him to come in at a certain time or to eat a proper meal at the table. He is lovely though, most of the time!.

Space is a bit of an issue, but we knew it would be when we had DS anyway, and DSS's are more than happy sharing a room.

Storm15 · 18/01/2015 20:25

I would cope because I'd have to. I'd find it sodding hard though. Not the space so much. More the time. The hours DH works would mean it would be me doing most of the looking after....and I never feel like there are enough hours in the day to give the babies I've birthed the individual attention they need and deserve as it is. I can't imagine factoring another little person in... Unlikely to happen though. Phew!

Tutt · 18/01/2015 20:45

I cope as I have 2 choices... cope or leave my DH.
SS came to live here the day we got back from our honeymoon, is constantly on the phone to his mother and she is constantly trying to stir shit.
It's taken a long time with Disney daddy to get him to back me up in my own home BUT I think we are getting there.
I wont have 1 rule for him and another for my DS. I also expect/demand both children are treated fairly and the same.

I still hate the situation and worry about the next big drama that ss and his mother seem to concoct but we now deal with it together ( I back right out of the situation and DH always comes to me to 'help')

DontEvenPoint · 19/01/2015 14:13

I wouldn't cope. I hardly cope EOW. TBH I often think about leaving but we have DS and I want to make it work for his sake. But if I had my DSC full time that would be a deal breaker. They are late teens now though so unlikely to happen.

FeelTheNoise · 19/01/2015 18:04

Tutt my situation is almost identical to yours. I feel like I'm getting it in the neck from every angle, complete with all the long distance shit stirring, and DPs Disney tendencies and the battle for fair. I've converted the shed into a study it's freezing but it's quiet

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