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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Would you cope

45 replies

TheJingleMumsRush · 17/01/2015 21:06

If you had to have your DSC full time? I've seen another thread where this has happened and I just don't think our marriage would survive. The space alone would drive me to the edge, we can't afford to buy a bigger place so all three in one room EOW.

OP posts:

Tutt · 19/01/2015 18:24

FeelingTheNoise I bet even though it's freezing it is fab... get a heater or have it converted :)
We will all get through this one way or another!

Cupcakes123 · 19/01/2015 18:25

Absolutely would not cope at all. I just couldn't deal with it

Zamboni · 19/01/2015 18:32

I don't think I would cope very well. We'd get through it but there would be conflict as DSD doesn't like not being an equal voice in decision making in our household and tantrums like a toddler (pre-teen) - easy to detach from that EOW but full time would be hard going.

Themrmen · 19/01/2015 20:12

I in all honesty hate it, if they ever did a massive amount would have to change about their behaviour and general attitude to our home and how they behave in it. And without getting flamed I would mourn the loss of me and my ds time together alone and with my dp by having dsc here full time, he's so little that I would just want to enjoy it without drama,

FeelTheNoise · 19/01/2015 20:34

It is sooo cold, but I do not care! And it's lockable, so nobody can snoop around in here

Onthedoorstep · 19/01/2015 21:35

I think I might need a shed.... do you just escape there and mumsnet?!

FatPatricia · 19/01/2015 22:04

Yes, in fact I would love it. DSS only 19 months, so think would prefer it to happen now than when he has all these ingrained behaviours learned from his mother who, already has questionable parenting never mind what it will become in the future. Terrified that as he gets older DSS mother will poison him against his dad, for him to be with us full time is a dream, however v. Unlikely!

Helpfulghoul · 20/01/2015 19:02

Yep, DSC came to live with us full time over a year ago and court order has now been set so they are with us until the age of 18, with very minimal contact with their mum.

Still early days and they are yet to reach the stroppy teen stage (so I'm sure it won't be plain sailing) but things are much better for all of us since they've been here.

Wdigin2this · 10/02/2015 01:20

If I had been asked to have any of my DSC permanently or semi, I would have freaked out (there are 3 one extremely difficult for me). They are now grown, but I would still freak, it would be grounds for divorce as I made it clear after his proposal that I could not live that life. I think I can honestly say, I would walk!!

farmerhans · 16/02/2015 22:34

I think I would find it difficult. The dynamic in our family changes when DSS is here (which is weekends and holidays). He's a great kid, but has no structure at his mothers, and therefore can test boundaries quite a lot. This is fine in small quantities, but it puts my DH on edge as he constantly feels like he is always telling DSS off! DH has missed out on quite a bit of DSS growing up due to housing arrangements, and I think he sees traits in DSS that remind him of his ex, and therefore reacts with less patience. Playing peacekeeper is hard work, but also having to keep a cool head on for discipline when things get too heated= Emotionally draining! On the flip side, DS adores DSS, so having them build a stronger bond can only be a plus!

Wdigin2this · 17/02/2015 00:39

Neither DSC or my DC have ever lived with us, they were all in their late teens-early 20's when DH and I got together, so it wasn't an issue! But DSD has many problems, financial/emotional/ practical which she insists on bringing to her dad, there have been times when I think she was trying to pressure him into letting her and her child stay with us during her own (frequent) marital problems, and goodness knows where that may have lead!! And at the risk of sounding really mean, I have vetoed this to the point of making sure DH understands that this would badly undermine our relationship, which thank goodness he really gets! So...no, I couldn't cope with it!

Wdigin2this · 23/02/2015 23:30

I know I could never have done it, my DC and DSC were all grown before we lived together. It would have driven me mad to have DSC live with us any time at all, because DH is a typical Disney Dad even now, when his DC have kids of their own....do not upset/refuse the kids anything that's the rule...which is why I have disengaged as much as possible!

Findingpeace · 02/03/2015 21:24

My DSDs came to live with my DH after we'd been together for a year. We waited 6 months to get them settled then I moved in. The first few years were hard, really hard. We were living in the old family home, which I hated and DH works two jobs so I was left alone with them in the evenings. They were 12 and 15 and used to not having any rules or boundaries. They were traumatised by their mum who'd neglected them and the oldest was treated like a friend by her mum. Oh, there was some difficult times. Sometimes I thought about leaving but I love my DH. Then we moved to a new house that became 'our' house, rather then 'their' house and bit by bit we got used to each other. Now the oldest is pregnant (and lives with her boyfriend) and wants me to be grandma! my other dsd (17) has turned a corner and is lovely most of the time. Would I do it again? No! The level of stress and conflict was at times unbearable. I also lost interest in having children of my own, and now I'm too tired. but I am thankful for the relationship that developed with my DSDs.

Wdigin2this · 04/03/2015 00:49

Findingpeace, I think it's sad that the stress of having steps living with you has meant you lost interest in having your own DC...no wonder you wouldn't put yourself through it again!

Findingpeace · 04/03/2015 10:12

I should have had my own DC earlier. I met DH at 35 and we were spending all our time trying to settle his DC I didnt want to disrupt things with a baby. And it was tiring as I was the only one home in the evenings with the DSDs until about 9:30. Now I'm 40 and dsds are doing so much better but I'm tired now, I can't imagine running after a toddler now. And DH and I have freedom now to do what we like, go travelling, couples dinners etc. I do feel sad sometimes that I won't have a child of my own. No matter what I sacrificed for my DSDs or how good our relationships are now they will never consider me their DM. Because I'm not. But I get to be grandma to my oldest dsd's child!

Petal02 · 04/03/2015 10:43

DH and I got married when I was 39 - we had to live with an extremely inflexible access rota, DH was uber-Disney and DSS behaved far younger than his actual years. And whilst you never know til you try when it comes to ttc in your late 30s, it would have been madness to introduce another child to the mix.

DH always used to be horrified if anything disrupted the sanitised household routine that took place on access weekends, and if I'd gone into labour on an access weekend ....... well I really can't imagine.

Findingpeace · 04/03/2015 18:33

So you didn't have DC either petal? Did you have DC from a previous relationship? Do you morn the loss? I should have added I have an extremely stressful job and work with children so that also contributed to the decision not to have DC of my own. My husband was talking about his not yet born grandson and he's so pleased she is giving the baby his name as a middle name as he said he'll live on in his grandson. I'm happy for him and so proud of my dsd for thinking of it. But it makes me sad I won't live on in my children....

Petal02 · 04/03/2015 18:45

No, i don't have children from a previous relationship. I often look back and think it's something I should have done in my 20s, but I wasn't in the right relationship then. If I'd met DH (minus DSS) ten years earlier, I'm certain I would have had a child, but it just didn't happen like that. A few years ago DH asked me if I was absolutely sure I didn't want a baby, but by then I was 42/43 (so not totally sure it would have happened) and I struggled terribly with DSS and the access rota. And the whole baby thing just didn't seem like a good idea!

It's just the way life pans out sometimes.

butterfly2015 · 13/03/2015 23:16

It's a possibility at some point that his child will live with us. Will I cope? I'm not sure. He treats her like a princess, waits on her hand and foot, the rules for her are different to the rules for mine. If I ask her to do anything she reports back to her mum that I'm picking on her and then oh gets an email that I'm treating her differently to my kids and basically being horrible to her.

It's caused so much conflict but with two parents that do everything for her she's never had to take responsibility for anything. She leaves things here, at friends houses and its our fault. Or my kids get accused of hiding her clothes. Or her phone. Never mind that said items are in plain sight or not even here. She cries if she does something wrong so oh either says she's upset so doesn't need telling off or that she's upset because she hasn't done anything wrong, even when she quite clearly has. So my kids get pissed at the totally unfair system and start playing up and then we get more grief off the ex.

I've talked to him about it but he denies he's being a typical weekend dad, that she's perfect and has never needed to be told off. Considering the word no isn't in his vocabulary with her, I doubt she's had much to rebel against.

But if he wants to baby her, I won't go along with it. She's 12. It's exhausting.

Wdigin2this · 14/03/2015 12:05

Wow Butterfly...that's brutal! How the hell do you cope with your DC watching DSD getting away with things they don't? That's entirely unfair and un-sustainable!!!

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