different houses, different rules...

[InFlagranteDelicto]

Dss has bought his tablet over from his mum's. He's 11, so yr 7. The other dc were crowding round him and saying he was posting their photos- take a closer look and he's posting on instagram. Turns out his mum set the account up.

I'm a bit WTF. Dp has made him read the terms and conditions, and closed the account, and we both agree that dss is too young, irresponsible and immature for social media. Dss had s massive wobble about having his social life taken away, but tbf no 11 yo should be dependent on t'interweb for a social life. I get different homes, different rules, I guess I'm just a bit staggered by the sheer...

That was our deal purple. Ds2 wanted to join facebook this year (age 12) because an activity he was doing in the summer (where he knew no-one) had a pre activity group chat set up on facebook. So he joined with the proviso I could look at it at any time & I had the password. No way could I insist on that when he was older.

"Dss had s massive wobble about having his social life taken away, but tbf no 11 yo should be dependent on t'interweb for a social life."

Were you dependent on the phone for yours at the same age?

I am afraid I think you have both massively overstepped the boundaries here. fair enough decline him access at your house but to delete the app etc so he cannot use it at his mum's is not your decision to make.

Dp and I do not agree with his kids being permanently glued to a computer screen and for that reason they are banned here unless for homework. the kids know this and are perfectly happy. at their mum's they are by her own admission on them from the moment they wake until the fall asleep. Dp doesn't agree but it is her house and her rule so not his place to intervene

Interesting discussion, late back to the thread after a busy weekend. I found a lot if the pov's make sense, and with hindsight maybe we could handled it differently. He has several other apps on there which he has been asked to not use here as I do not want my dc exposed to them. However, I have to be quite tight with posting my dc's images online after fleeing dv, and we have had a testing first term with him, including watching porn, stealing from me, his mum and the dd's, and extremely inappropriate behaviour with the dds, all of which tells us a lot about his maturity. We also have limited faith in his mum to police him, three years after she left we were still finding saved convos from before she split with dp hidden as innocent files in the pc. A lot were saved in dsd's area to try and avoid them being found - they were explicit, and included invitations to the house with the address, which to do was horrifying. I'm saying this to explain why we do not trust her judgement wrt online safety.
Unfortunately what is done is done. We can revisit instagram, facebook and the rest in a years time, and lay down some ground rules, but he needs to mature first.

The problem is that if you don't trust his mum, and don't work closely with her, she can simply set up Instagram again for DSS. That's most likely what she'll do (it's what I'd do in her position) and DSS will simply not tell you or his dad about it. Then no one is policing DSS.

It would be much better to help him after up a new account, that you or DH have the password to to let him start learning how to negotiate the online world safely which could include rules about not posting your DC's pics up, his address, etc.

Oh, for crying out loud. Such a waste of time and effort when people drip feed like this.