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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partners daughters birthday party...

50 replies

Parasites · 17/11/2014 19:42

My partners daughter turns 7 soon.
She told me at the weekend she was surprised that we hadn't got her party invite as her mum had sent them all out. Her mum doesn't have my address and my partner hasn't been asked for it. We think their mum has just decided not to mention it. I don't care for me but I feel for the birthday girl and my ds who are trying to build a friendship. I Also don't want birthday girl to think I can't be bothered to go as she was saying to me "just come, come!". My partner says he knows it will be difficult if he brings it up as his ex won't want us there. I used to have more sympathy for her but she's making my life tricky in various ways so I don't see why I should now make hers easy and let the kids suffer. I think a simple text such as "daughter said you'd sent an invite to X but it hasn't arrived. Is there a problem?" From him Would be a fair message....

Can anyone think of a better way to handle it?

Me and his ex have never met and all the kids have expressed a desire for it to happen and I think it would make things more 'normal' for them as they'd feel like they had one life instead of two. I've no desire to meet his ex but I think it's better done sooner rather than later at something like a kids party where we will hardly speak anyway...

OP posts:

purpleroses · 17/11/2014 19:50

Not sure that attending a party as an adult is the easiest way to meet the ex. Could your DP ask his ex whether it would be OK for your DS to be invited - you could then take and fetch him, and say a polite hello, but not stay for the party?

Most parents don't stay at 7 year olds parties, so the only adults who do are usually the parents or close friends of theirs who are helping. Kids parties can also be quite stressful to fun. I don't think it would be the best environment to meet your DP's ex in.

Ultimately if her mum has organised the party, she can decide who she invites. Her DD might say she wants you there, but she'll be busy with her friends and I doubt she's miss you not being there. At 7 they have some strange ideas - my DS thought I should move back in with his dad and share his bed (along with ex's new DW....)

Original poster

Parasites · 17/11/2014 19:52

I see your point... The party is actually at my partners house (bigger). He was told they were having it there. It is the old family home so of course he just went along with it as he wants his daughter to have the party she wants...

OP posts:

MeDented · 17/11/2014 19:58

In that case I'd just be there, presumably your partner is also capable of inviting people to his daughters party!! Perhaps his ex just assumes you don't need a paper invite because your partner will sort it, or you'll just be there.

Original poster

Parasites · 17/11/2014 20:08

That's a good point.... It is at his house isn't it!!

She def doesn't assume I will be there as we had the same issue with other daughters birthday (at his house again) where she said she could do without us being there. Didn't make an issue of it as we couldn't go anyway due to prior arrangements but his time we can, and my ds keeps asking "will I be allowed to x's birthday party?"

OP posts:

purpleroses · 17/11/2014 20:09

That does make a bit of a difference! If it's his house then he can have who he wants there. I'd just make sure that he mentions it casually to his ex so she's not taken by surprise. She can't use his house and then dictate who comes.

Original poster

Parasites · 17/11/2014 20:11

To be honest I think he doesn't really want us there as he thinks it will rile her and he's all about keeping the peace. We are also having issues with her re: holidays (running another thread on that one!)

I think he needs to be a bit stronger as his current approach isn't making things better with her, just worse with us!!

OP posts:

purpleroses · 17/11/2014 20:17

Maybe don't pus the issue then.

My DH kept the former family home too - where I now live too with my DCs. We did rule it out as being the best location for me to meet his ex on the grounds that she'd probably find it hard seeing me settled into "her" home. She's no business feeling like that really I guess (as DH bought her out) but I can sort of see why she might find it hard.

everynameisbloodytaken · 17/11/2014 20:22

when you say it's 'his' house i presume he doesn't live there but pays the mortgage... this is the arrangement I had with my ex... his house but our home he had no say in who comes and goes.
how long have you been together and were you the other woman? sorry for the questions. .

Original poster

Parasites · 17/11/2014 20:23

True. I don't live there nor have any stuff there (she still has a wardrobe full of clothes there - weird.)

I just hate how she dictates all this stuff and then it's me who has to lie to my ds about why he doesn't get to go to the party he's been invited to :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Parasites · 17/11/2014 20:24

No he lives there and pays the mortgage but effectively the house is half hers as it was the family home. It's on the market. Been together a year ish and got together 6 mths after he left her.

OP posts:

fedupbutfine · 17/11/2014 21:14

I don't have my ex at birthday parties. I am not about to play happy families 'for the sake of the children' and I'm certainly not dealing with new partners in a situation that is about my children and their special day. I don't have new partner's children at our parties either and dont' consider it my responsibility to integrate them into my children's lives. My ex is more than welcome to organise his own birthday treats (sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't) and I am more than happy to tell parents not to buy two presents if they are invited twice - and will happily forgo presents at 'my' party as I'm the one doing the telling about it. We don't share Xmas, Easter, holidays, our own birthdays as a 'family' so I don't really get the need to share the children's birthdays. Divorce, for me at least, means 100% separation of our lives. To criss-cross, particularly 'for the sake of the children', just muddies already muddy waters. Harsh, I know, but it works for me and ultimately, it works for the children because they know where we all stand and what to expect.

Original poster

Parasites · 17/11/2014 21:16

Wow. So the kids don't get to have their dad at their birthday party. And you decide which friends they are allowed?
That's certainly a novel view and one I hadn't considered, I can't imagine telling my ds "sorry dad can't come to your bday party but he can have another one for you".

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 17/11/2014 21:19

I would have a little tea party for her.

Original poster

Parasites · 17/11/2014 21:46

Yeah that's what we are doing for the other one who's birthday we were told she could do without us at.
Prob a good plan. Would only be made to feel uncomfortable I'm sure!

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 17/11/2014 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purpleroses · 17/11/2014 23:59

I don't think the way fedup describes is particularly novel or unusual. It's how a lot of people find things work best, and definitely not the worst option for the kids. They have two separate lives, one with mum and one with dad. My ex doesn't attend my DC's parties. With my DSC sometimes we organise the party (in which case their DM doesn't attend) and sometimes their mum organises it - in which case DH doesn't attend. I don't think any of the DC/DSC have ever seemed unhappy about this system. Parties - from the age of 5 or 6 are really about having fun with friends.
Whichever parent they're not with for their birthday will do a small birthday celebration on a different date.

If you do all get on great, then that's lovely. But having two parents who communicate when they need to but essentially run separate lives works fine too.

Original poster

Parasites · 18/11/2014 06:02

That is an interesting thought when you explain it like that and maybe is worth us thinking about for the future. I know my partner dreads the times he has to spend when his ex is there

OP posts:

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/11/2014 09:25

I have never met dps ex. And would certainly never be invited to a birthday party she has organised. She would however invite my dp. Or tell dp that i am bot allowed to see the kids on their birthdays. They should spend that time as a family blah blah. Which was fine when he was single.

He has explained this to no end that when he was single, playing happy families was fine but now i am in his life and have been for 3 years. So things need to change. The kids understand and are "happy" with the arrangement. But i now live with dp and we just do our own thing with the kids. they and we have enough friends and family to make sure the kids get just as a good a birthday / christmas as possible.

For you OP i dont think its unreasonable for your dp to ask if you are invited especially if dd has expressed an interest in you going. Like another poster said usually only parents and family stay. Well if you are going to be with dp forever then to me you should be treated like a friend or an aunt and you should be able to go. Otherwise maybe explain to dsd that her mum thinks its best if you dont go for now but you will do something with her next time you are together.

springalong · 18/11/2014 09:43

I'm with fedupbutfine. Even more so after the time, I did invite ex to DS birthday party. He turned up with the guests, left with the guests and let me, my mum and friends do all the work. Icing on the cake was him letting my son run around after him getting drinks and watching me pay for all the entertainment. Still it was worth it when DS said best birthday party ever. But never again.

RubMyLamp · 18/11/2014 13:11

I invited my exDPs OW to our DDs 2nd birthday. she didn't/doesn't now she was the OW as he told her we'd been split up for over a year total bollocks as when we did actually split up it was after a fortnights holiday abroad exDP was horrified and point blank refused to tell her I'd extended an invite apparently she is very insecure not surprised hes a cheating dickhead and she's very young

DH & I don't invite his DSs Mum to his parties, although she would be very welcome, as DSS likes to have "just Dads side" so its just us and DHs family.

RubMyLamp · 18/11/2014 13:14

Argh phone.

Final point: if my DDs wanted exDPs GF there and she was willing to attend then she would also be very welcome.

cocktailshakerr · 18/11/2014 20:00

When I met my DH he would always attend parties, have Christmas breakfast with them and their Mum. They loved it but ultimately I think it was a little damaging to them, it was giving them mixed messages. They wanted their Mum and Dad back together and for that hour or two they got it. It's like teasing them.
I always refused to attend the parties, there was no way I was standing around in a room with a woman I don't like, her friends and family. Plus I just always thought it was weird.
Gradually over the years these things have fizzled out.
Now their Mum has a party with all their friends and we have our own celebrations. Either a family get together, a day out or pub tea etc.
It works much better and I think the DSC are happy with the way things are too, they've never complained that we weren't at a party.

In your situation I would have mixed feelings about it. On one hand I think you shouldn't push it but on the other hand I think your DP isn't showing much commitment.
I understand that he doesn't want to rock the boat but if you've been together for a year and the party is in his home, he has every right to say that you'll be there. And tbh if I was her I'd be half expecting you to be there, as surely you are a significant part of his life, for all she knows you could be living there!

Original poster

Parasites · 19/11/2014 09:56

Yeah that's the thing. I feel like he really wants me to build a strong relationship with the kids and is happy for me to cook for them, pick up after them, do their washing when they're here and wants me to get close to them (which is lovely but also requires significant emotional and time investment from me) and for my son to share his toys, welcome the girls into his friendship circles etc and it's lovely that his daughter wants to do the same, but then the moment it requires him having an uncomfortable conversation with ex he wants me and my son to step back. Makes me feel like not making as much effort for his kids to be honest...

OP posts:

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 10:03

We have ways just done parties separately. Their dad likes bug parties so he does them at his house and i usually just have one or two friends to the cinema and for pizza or something. The dcs have never had an issue with it and tbh i dont think exp would really want to come to the cinema and for pizza with me and a handful of hyper dcs.

When we first split up he came to us for xmas but then he got a new partner and it just seemed natural that he celebrated things like that separately in his own house.

I did laugh when my 5 year old invited me to his dad's wedding! he didnt understand why i wouldnt be going despite him never having seen me at any of his dad's events.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 10:05

is happy for me to cook for them, pick up after them, do their washing when they're here

Why on earth are you doing all this? You dont even live there! Be very careful OP- this man sounds like he likes you there to make his life easier when his child is there! In your shoes i would step right back from doing HIS housework and the bits of parenting he doesnt want to do. Go back to being his partner, you arent a housekeeper are you?

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