Partners daughters birthday party...

[Parasites]

My partners daughter turns 7 soon.
She told me at the weekend she was surprised that we hadn't got her party invite as her mum had sent them all out. Her mum doesn't have my address and my partner hasn't been asked for it. We think their mum has just decided not to mention it. I don't care for me but I feel for the birthday girl and my ds who are trying to build a friendship. I Also don't want birthday girl to think I can't be bothered to go as she was saying to me "just come, come!". My partner says he knows it will be difficult if he brings it up as his ex won't want us there. I used to have more sympathy for her but she's making my life tricky in various ways so I don't see why I should now make hers easy and let the kids suffer. I think a simple text such as "daughter said you'd sent an invite to X but it hasn't arrived. Is there a problem?" From him Would be a fair message....

Can anyone think of a better way to handle it?

Me and his ex have never met and all the kids have expressed a desire for it to happen and I think it would make things more 'normal' for them as they'd feel like they had one life instead of two. I've no desire to meet his ex but I think it's better done sooner rather than later at something like a kids party where we will hardly speak anyway...

Does he come to your house and so your daughters washing and cooking?

Sorry, your son's.

I only do his kids washing on occasions when they've been at mine and I am putting a wash on anyway... It's not expected.

I did for a while feel like I did the lions share of all the chores when we were all together as a 5 but had a good chat to him about it and he's been much better lately!

Why are you doing any chores at someone else's house?

Fair enough if he is doing as much of your housework as he is of yours but dont fall into that trap of assuming the role because you are the woman. His kids and his house are his responsibility. You have no obligation To do any of it. Be sure you arent fulfilling a role that became vacant when his wife left.

I don't do laundry at his!

When me and my son go to his I help prepare dinner and tidy up and when him and his kids are at mine he helps prepare dinner and tidy up. (They're at mine more and I don't expect just because it's my house that I should do all the cooking and tidying so we share it whichever house we are in...)

Ah ok, ive misinterpreted your post saying he was happy for you to do it. I thought you were saying it in a "oh yeah hes happy for me to clean up after his kids but doesnt want me at their party" sort of way.

You share the chores, and he's also keen for you do get to know his DDs - that's all fine. I think your problem is that he's still doing the parties (and possibly other things?) jointly with his ex and that you don't fit in in that "family" that isn't really a family any more.

If he wants a nice family life with you and your DS, and he/the ex/you/anyone can't cope with a big all-together complicated family thing (which many people can't) then the way forward is to stop pretending to be a family with his ex. They can support each other as parents, discuss their DDs when they need to, and share the care of the DDs but there's no need to really spend time being a family altogether. A few people may manage it - and a few more maybe after some time - but for many people it's too fraught with difficulties. I'd let it go this time if the party's already arranged, but next time suggest to your DP that he leaves the party to his ex (he could offer to contribute financially if he likes) and has a separate birthday celebration for his DD with you, your DS, and any other friends or family that you'd like to include. I've yet to meet a child who complains at having two separate birthday cakes

It's taken 5 years for my DH to start standing up to his ex and start raising issues he has. He's just never wanted to rock the boat. He only stands up to her now because she's turned in to a manipulative cow.
Just saying, it can take time.

Let the mother have the birthday party with her daughter - it's two hours out of the day - and then do something else with the daughter and your son - you don't need to go to the birthday party to build a bond with her and to be honest, it all sounds bit territorial - let the mum have the time without having to stress about you being there

Play the long game

Situations resolved... This morning the little girl told me "I want you and x to come to my party but mum doesn't think x should come because he's a boy so he won't like the party as everyone else is a girl"....

I'm not getting involved in that one but cannot believe the mum!!

is that so unreasonable?

I invited my ex and his new (lovely) wife to my DD's 13th birthday party, it was fine. I knew she would like it and that we could all be grown up enough to behave like sensible adults and not cause any ill-feeling or awkwardness. I think it just depends what people think is appropriate and what isn't, and how the relationship is generally. I wouldn't have it as a first meet, though. Mum's obviously not comfortable with it and has made an excuse that the child will accept, it's her prerogative.

I'd be much less happy about the 'family home' dynamic going on, TBF.

By family dynamic do you mean having the party in their old family home?

I don't think it's unreasonable... Just a bit pathetic that her mum is manipulating her like that and not telling me or her dad what her plans are. Suffice to say it's not a surprise as everyone I know who's met her says she's a bit like that....

I think we will do parties separately from now on

why pathetic and manipulative? I have boys - I doubt there are many girls out there who would be genuinely interested in attending their birthday parties. I wouldn't force it - not matter how good a friend the mother of a girl might be, it's just not something most girls would be comfortable with. There is nothing 'pathetic' or 'manipulative' about that?

The thing I think is manipulative is telling your child someone won't like their party just cause you don't want them there....

Most people would say "he might not like it cause it's a frozen party but why don't you ask him and see"... I'm not a fan of the big girls and boys split anyway and like my son having friends of both genders...

Sorry...I still don't see it. I wouldn't say 'he might not like it 'cos it's a Frozen party but why don't you ask him and see' because ultimately, it's not the child's decision to make whether or not they attend the party. That's up to the parents.

I get you - it's very 'convenient' that it's a girly party but if you're going down the route of the ex being 'pathetic' and bitching about her with people she formerly socialised with whilst with your partner then you are saying something about you and taking it to another level. Take it at face value - he's not invited. It's not the ex's responsibility to ensure that your child is included, however, desireable that might be for all concerned. What matters is that your step daughter has a good day - she might have liked it if your DS was there but she wouldn't want that at the expense of tension, stress and bad feeling in either of her parents. I think this is a very satisfactory way to deal with a difficult situation. Let it go (no pun intended!).

I think we will do parties separately from now on

Youve been with him a year and dont live with him. I dont think there is a 'we'. It's his decision how he deals with his daughters' birthdays.

Lol at "let it go"!!!! I don't bitch about her don't worry... (Only on MN!) I just listen to what other people have said! I guess we have a different pinion because I think kids should get to decide who's at their party not the parents...

And to be fair if she did feel she wanted to do that it would have been polite to align me and their dad. I had a breakfast table with a little girl saying "my mum says you won't like it" and my son saying "I can be Olaf, I do want to go mummy" and the girl saying "I want you and parasites there but mummy said you won't like it". I've half a mind to just turn up (although I can see that would be ultra provocative and wouldn't do it....)

Should have phrased that "we think we will do parties separately" as we have discussed already. Of course I wouldn't decide what to do without him re: his kids

I see a lot of trouble brewing here. You seem to be keen to put all the blame on the mum where from what I read, she has so far done nothing wrong and if anything, it is your partner who might be the one causing tensions.

You did assume that the ex didn't want you there, then it became, she doesn't mind you but doesn't want your son, all this coming out of the mouth of 7yo.

For all you know, the mum never had an issue with you being there and might very much have said to her daughter than she was concerned your son would be bored, but was interpretated by 7yo as son shouldn't come.

You seem very keen to show your partner how you can take over the role of the main carer for him when you see his daughter when you should make it very clear from the start that you are not in a relationship with him to pick up the not so fun part of being a parent, whilst making sure you don't build the wrong image of the ex based on vague assumptions.

Unfortunately, that's often how it then all goes wrong. The ex feels victimized whilst the partner doesn't understand when after a few months/year, usually after moving together, his new partner start rebelling because they don't want to be treated as a convenient baby sitter.

All this was about you and your partner from the start. It is his house and of course you should be there with him. Whatever the ex wants is irrelevant if she agreed for the party to be done at the house.

Its a crap situation to be in. But do you know what you have been with dp a year. Next year coukd be different and easier. Let him know youre not really happy with the arrangement and that in future if his ex wants a party to arrange it at her place not his. If he wants to go fine.

If your dp loves you then he wont be going to play happy families anyway. He will be going to see his daughter enjoy her birthday.

I have similar issues here so please believe me i understand your frustration. Wait til you live with him!!

I think the best thing to do is steer clear this year. Let dsd know you hope she has a good time and you will all do something another day.

It does sound like her mum is trying to keep you and ds away and maybe she is just making sure there is no awkwardness and protecting her daughter and the party. And maybe she did assume your ds wouldnt want to go because thats nicer than saying they are not comig because i said so.

Dont worry there are bigger fish to fry in the world of step parenting. Its a thankless job and all i can advise is pick your battles.I dont think this is one that really matter at the minute. although i know it feels like a big deal. Xx

I th

Thanks always. Very sensible.

I do not and never will invite my Exs new DP, to a party that I have to organise, pay for and clear up after. It could be 1 yr or 20yrs - it will not happen unless DCs ask for it and the chances of that are remote ot non existent - as unlike you OP, she treats my DCs like dirt.

EX turns up and plays host - but there is a limit

Have read your other thread - am not sure she is as bad as you are making out. She will not fit in with your plans and you do not like it -fair enough - not sure she is being particualrly bloody minded.

Your DP does need to sit and talk with her though - his problem not yours.