dp's access issues

[wheresthelight]

how easy folks is it to get access orders from court?

dp and his exw agreed via mediation that they didn't want access to be court ordered and would set up a similar agreement via the mediator. this states that we have the kids eow and every Wednesday plus 50% of holidays and every other Christmas and new year (exw was not happy but mediator told her tough shit essentially).

she has started pissing about with contact and getting nasty about it and is now refusing to allow us our 50% over half term. this is setting a worrying president as it is our turn for Christmas and new years this year. our access weekend falls between the two songs should have the kids from xmas eve through to the Sunday and then new years eve through to Friday am. I am fully expecting her to have a couple plate shit fit when she realises this and I am pretty certain she will try and change and or refuse access.

so I am wondering if taking it to court so there are repercussions to her actions in future might not be something to float with dp but how easy is it to do?

I wouldn't abuse my children in this way - but I am also very clear that if I did, my ex wouldn't stand for it and his action would be immediate and decisive. He wouldn't give me a chance. He certainly wouldn't be hesitating to cut hair with a nit infestation and would laugh in my face if I threatened to call the police. Do you see the difference?

Please don't get me wrong, I don't think mum is in the right here and I think your concerns are very valid. But I also know enough to know that the state doesn't interfere where parenting is 'good enough' and this is where separated parents struggle. Some parents are better than others - my ex is far better than me at some aspects of parenting - but that doesn't mean under the way the courts work that it's enough to tear children away from their established ties. So you have a decision - either it's bad enough to fight and you get on and fight (and accept you might not 'win' but that at least you feel you can hold your head up and say you did your best) or you find a way to live with it and do your level best when the children are with you and hope they vote with their feet when they're old enough. Pros and cons to both approaches, no rights and wrongs. At the moment you're between the two and I think you'll find the children are being unnecessarily pushed and pulled as a result.

fedup I agree and in part so does dp. however how can he protect them and keep a check if she stops all access? and that is his concern.

the school don't see it as a big issue and gp was concerned by the issues but wanted to speak toner first and try and see if it was a neglect or a struggling with being a single parent issue

Where if it is that bad you really do need to do something. Given how terrible she is I don't know why your partner wants to give her every opportunity. Does she give him every opportunity to be a good parent? No she denies access at every opportunity.
I wouldn't hesitate in reporting my ex if he was the rp and I wasn't allowed to actively parent them leading to neglect.
Come on op you sound like your head is screwed on tell him you have to get this sorted.

because he is terrified that the kids will hate him I guess. he is seeing his solicitor at somepoint in the next couple of weeks so I will get him to speak properly to them and see exactly what it would all entail and what evidence etc would be needed a d we will chase up the school nurse.

I have friends who are social workers and have posed the scenario to them in a hypothetical manner. the responsd was unfortunately they err on the side of caution so until we can present sufficient evidence they won't do anything. the problem is the issues are considered low level and there are far worse cases out there that take priority.

while ever they are clothed, fed, housed and attend school they won't even raise more than a cursory glance at it.

The kids won't hate him and it might force some action and agreement. That has to be better than what's occurring now?

When we called soc serv they said the same. When we emailed them they took action. What they CAN do is give your DP advice on how to handle it.

If you are aware of neglect and don't report it then as well as other consequences, during the court process her solicitor will make out its not serious because you knew and didn't do anything about it.

yeah I know head but we have reported it to gp and hv so it is documented.

having chatted to dsd this weekend and putting her hair up her mum has actually nit treated her (did wonder what the greasy residue was) so maybe just maybe it is starting to sink in! and she has turned up this weekend with significantly shorter (albeit butchered) hair. it is still too long to be fully manageable from the nits pov but it is a good start.

his exw has some bizarre notions from what I cam gather. she strives for everything to be perfect and normal (stepford style) but then refuses to acknowledge nits, toileting issues etc which seems such a massive juxtaposition. her dp is quite switched on and his girls are 15 and 12 and very image conscious so I suspect if they have caught the nits (he is rp) then he will have had words too and may inadvertently be helping us with the dsc's.

it's sad because talking to dp they only ever had kids when they did because she was of the belief that it was "what you do" once you have the house and the wedding. but by his own admission she then treated them more like a fashion accessory she got bored with. so they have never been involved in playgroups or play dates, she would never let them have friends over and birthday parties etc have always been family only. all activities were focused around what she wanted to do and she would never dream of just taking them to the park to run about. things have altered since she moved in with her dp as he is very involved with his girls and I think she now has to join in because the kids see his girls doing stuff and are now at an age to question it. they are also now of an age where they can start to manage the nit issue themselves so I buy the repellent spray and send them home with it after showing them how to use it and am slowly showing them both how to comb their own hair for nits and to tell me/mum if they find any.

I think your idea of emailing SS might be the way to go, I guess it's easy to dismiss concerns verbally but jot so easy if written down. I guess for me it's a worry that whilst we think it's low level neglect if they disagree and it does end up in court over access then it's going to look like we have harassed her and made false allegations. it's a fine line I guess over whether we are seen to help or hinder

I would do it once in writing and leave a copy with solicitor so there is a record. You can even add on the end that you are aware of how it may come across so are treading carefully. You just want a note of your feelings made.
Hopefully the children of her new partner may be a positive influence. Fingers crossed.

that's actually a really good idea! I don't know why we didn't think of that! kind of a "we know how this may look but it genuinely isn't about hurting her but making sure the kids are ok" sort of note.

apart from a few behaviour issues (zero discipline from her or dp) which I wouldn't stand for and have made dp put his foot down over they are really lovely kids! they are so brilliant with dd and they absolutely worship her and it is very much reciprocated. in fat she is 14 months old and her words are daddy, oh dear (when she poops), hiya, bye, thank you, doggy and dsc's name. we made a bug joke of it with dsd that me and her are in good company cos she can't say mummy yet and I reckon she will probably get dsd's name before she masters mummy at the rate she is going!

I guess seeing how amazing they are just really grates that they seem to be suffering such needless neglect by their own mum. I am sure she probably hasn't realised and I guess my hope is that if dp gives her the ultimatum of sort it or I will take my concerns to SS she will Realise just how serious he thinks it is and maybe buck her ideas up. we have even offered to have the kids more here if it helps her out but that went down like a lead balloon

dss's name - bloody autocorrect om phone sorry