dp's access issues

[wheresthelight]

how easy folks is it to get access orders from court?

dp and his exw agreed via mediation that they didn't want access to be court ordered and would set up a similar agreement via the mediator. this states that we have the kids eow and every Wednesday plus 50% of holidays and every other Christmas and new year (exw was not happy but mediator told her tough shit essentially).

she has started pissing about with contact and getting nasty about it and is now refusing to allow us our 50% over half term. this is setting a worrying president as it is our turn for Christmas and new years this year. our access weekend falls between the two songs should have the kids from xmas eve through to the Sunday and then new years eve through to Friday am. I am fully expecting her to have a couple plate shit fit when she realises this and I am pretty certain she will try and change and or refuse access.

so I am wondering if taking it to court so there are repercussions to her actions in future might not be something to float with dp but how easy is it to do?

But the OP is surely a stakeholder within her own home, so her opinion/views should not be considered irrelevant?

Of course but her opinions/ thoughts etc are all she is discussing. What does her dh think? Why haven't that approached exp with dates and ideas? We already know layout for Christmas this year.
Also any thoughts concerning Christmas Day are being met with anger. Sometimes you have to take the first step.....

wannabe - because it was already agreed and when dp tried to confirm timings for pick up with her she started kicking off.

and for the record my posts include what dp wants. he wants what was agreed in mediation

Petal, perhaps. I've probably been in the court system too long with people I've never met making decisions that affect my life but I have no say in the matter.

The rereading what you have said I would just get him to email confirming dates and say you will be there at say 6pm on the 23rd. Don't enter into arguing etc. Turn up as agreed.
The one thing I would say is that going on what you have said your DSc will give her hell if she doesn't stick to the arrangement. My children would be cross as children have a real sense of fairness.
I hope you sort something. I still think court would be a mistake and possibly alienate her more but I really don't know how you will get her to play ball.

I get where where is coming from. Understandably she doesn't want to be without them at Christmas. What parent does? But why agree to it in mediation when you don't mean it? Not very fair is it? It's about the kids and not her. It's about what they want.

wannabe - that is exactly what we have done all year uo to this point only to have her ignore and then refuse access hence the fiasco over our holiday in august. Wheb she git pissy last year I suggested to dp that he send her an email saying what dates in the holidays he wanted the kids to coincide with our weekends and his shifts and she just ignores it or kicks off. the woman in unhinged

I agree that court isn't the ideal and it will probably cause more issues BUT it does give dp some come back when she refuses access. I genuinely don't know what to do for the best, all I know is the the kids mean the world to dp and they worship him. their happiness is paramount and they already know she is being unfair in stopping contact etc.

In what way does she kick off if you don't mind me asking?
I do feel for you all. I have had my ups and downs with my ex but I try and be fair.

don't miss d at all wannabe

she just throws tantrums and starts on about how she has final Vito on access. she works part time and can swap and change her days to suit her, we have deliberately given her advance warning of our holidays etc so she could sort out her days off but she never bothers and then refuses to allow access because it's her only day off to see the kids. I get that working and being a mum is tough when kids are at school all week but surely if you have discussed access and made a commitment but then fail to bother to sort your working hours out around d that then that is your own fault and shouldn't be used as stick to beat your ex with?

God what a nightmare. I think court may be your only option then.

I know I come over like a bitch to people who don't know the history to all of this and I should probably explain it all at the start for those who haven't seen previous threads.

dp's exw is a nightmare, the kids suffer low level neglect which my hv has told me I should report to social services but as much as I would love to see exw held accountable it would destroy the kids and I simply cannot put them through that. don't get me wrong, like all kids they can be bloody horrible at times and there are days when I want to throttle them. however for the most part they are adorable! they make me laugh and cry and they make me so very proud every single day. they aren't my kids and never will be but they have been put through so much by their mum and they take it all in their stride.

exw claims that she wants a rigid routine for the kids so they know where they are and when which means if ever we ask to swap a weekend she gets nasty - this is never done at shirt notice and always agreed several months in advance - however she expects us to switch at short notice or she cancels on a whim to suit her. I guess it just really pisses us off that there is this ridiculously rigid regime for us to abide by under the guise of maintaining a routine for the kids when she does whatever the hell she pleases and to hell with her precious routine. I think that's why dp is starting to rely lose his temper with it all. they should be with us tomorrow but because she has decided she wants to go trick or treating she has cancelled contact which has really upset dsd as she was so excited about coming with dd to a party and taking her on her first ever trick or treat night. she begged her mum last night but she refused having told us and the kids last week that she would let the kids decide what they wanted to do.

I work really hard to be nice to her and about her in rl (hence why my posts here can be a bit venomous as I need to vent) but when dsd is in tears because she has been promised by her mum that she can chose where she wants to be and then when she makes a choice her mum doesn't like it all gets vito'd.

Then I would keep a note of everything and go to court. I do have some sympathy for rp's as I am one but I cannot understand why you would do that to your children?
I just wouldn't let it go on much longer. If they are being neglected I would ask get your partner to report it. It's not fair on them.

we already are on the advice of a friend who is a solicitor. unfortunately dp is reluctant to report the neglect as it will look very petty. in isolation it's nothing serious, refusing to deal with nits (allegedly on advice from gp and hairdresser except we have spoken to the gp and they were going to have words about getting the kids regular treatments), dss has a really severe fungal infection in his feet and toenails that she refuses to treat, dsd wets and poops herself which she denies happens but clothes she comes in from home are bleached from the urine and school say it happens a lot there too (medically she is fine I suspect part psychological and part getting too enthralled in something and forgetting to go), very poor diet, little sleep as she won't enforce an early bedtime and then whinges that coming to us on a Wednesday means the kids are too tired for school on a Thursday except they are in bed by 730 here.

ot sounds really stupid when you say it out loud but the impact it is having on the kids is awful. for example dsd has very long hair and because it is riddled with nits she has bites on her skin all over her neck and back. she has impetigo regularly so dp and I took her to the gp as I wasn't sure we could use the nit stuff when her skin was so bad and wasn't sure if what's was seeing was a result if the infection or the nits. the gp was horrified at how bad the nits were and gave us some excellent advice and treatment including get her hair cut. Dp stupidly in some respects discussed ot with exw who went ballistic and basically told him she would call the police and have him done for assault if he had dsd's hair cut! we had it heavily trimmed and I spend hours every week (when she doesn't cancel contact) combing it through but when that isn't followed up at her mum's the cycle is never broken. I gobsmacked that other parents at school aren't complaining!!

dsd is permanently shattered. exw moved on with the om at christ as last year and he wouldn't have his daughters lose out on having their own rooms (which I understand) but it means that dsd and dss are sharing a bedroom. dss reads or plays on the computer til late keeping dsd awake so she is shattered but exw refuses to deal with it

it could be seen as different parenting I guess but when the kids are suffering physically from it it becomes so much more. unfortunately to the courts we have been advised it will look like sour grapes

I am a teacher and what you have described is neglect. We would do something about it at school particularly the nits, impetigo etc. If you have been advised that you will look petty can you go down the school route and ask them if they are prepared to speak to someone on your behalf?

That's not different parenting that's abusive and you need to find a way to nip it in the bud. Poor dsd :(

My hv suggested the school nurse when I spoke to her last week but with it being half term etc we haven't been able to get hold of her.

Dp has spoken to the school but understandably they are reluctant to get involved in what they see is a difference in parenting styles but dsd has changed teachers this year so hopefully she will be a bit more helpful - last year's was an nqt so I think she was a bit over cautious of getting involved and dsc's teacher didn't really have any concerns when dp spoke to him except over dss being heavily withdrawn and poor on social situations.

he is now at the senior school so with luck they may be more willing to help especially as his form tutor was quite taken aback by exw dismissing that supporting dss in broadening his subject knowledge with wider reading wasn't anything for her to help with.

OP your new information changes everything. What you describe is child neglect and needs reporting. Next time their father has them he needs to contact social services and inform them that he is concerned they are being neglected and will be keeping them. Their mother will kick off but SS and police will have to investigate. It will mean court but the children will get to say what they want

Reporting that definitely isn't petty wheresthelight. The NSPCC a have a helpline you can call or you can email (creates a paper trail that calling doesn't) social services. That's not different parenting, that is neglect. Poor children :(

mona it is something we are considering but dp is insistent that exw gets every chance to sort things out before it gets to that point which I have to say I do understand - he was with her for 20 years and he hates to think he lived with her and missed it and part of him doesn't trust his own judgement and he worries it is just sour grapes iyswim.

at the moment he wants to get access over Christmas sorted and then for the 4 of us to sit down and discuss what happens next. before she moved in with the om she used being a single mum as an excuse for not having kept up with nit treatment etc and now she says that looking after 4 kids means she is too busy. Dp wants to give her once last chance and issue an ultimatum of either shape up or he is taking the kids and she can have supervised access until he trusts that their needs are being met before going down the official route but I suspect that SS involvement is the only thing that will do anything.

plus the kids have dealt with so very much in the last 18 months with dd being born, having to move out of the house they grew up in, grandma dying etc so I think he is almost reluctant to rock the boat for fear of doing more harm than good in the long term. I know that sounds ridiculous and almost cowardly but he genuinely agonises over this a lot. to a point I cam see why there is the reluctance. if SS and the police deem it's just sour grapes then he has potentially done untold damage to his relationship with the kids and also exw which will likely make contact impossible going forward and if he does nothing and ot gets worse then he risks the kids hating them when they are older. property catch 22!

I didn't know about the helpline Head so thanks I will investigate!

I think the problem comes when you say they constantly have nits, until you see the blood under dsd's nails and the bites on her neck and back it really does sound pathetic and like point scoring.

So basically, your dp is complicit in his children's neglect (if that's what we're calling it - other than nits, I am not sure it is anything other than a difference in parenting) by basically standing by and watching it happen. He's not doing his children any favours, is he? On the one hand he's happy to 'give chances' but on the other she's so bad she will require supervised access to their children. Which is it?

The police will not get involved unless there is some kind of breech of the peace. If the school consider the children are being neglected, they will already have informed social services. If your dp is in contact with the schools - which you say he is - then why are they not talking to him/why is he not asking them? If the GP is concerned about the children - which you seem to be suggesting he/she is - they too will be informing social services. Social Services will likely see a complaint about constant nits as nothing other than 'parenting differences' unless the school and/or the GP are also shouting about it. Nits are notoriously difficult to get rid of, even when regularly treated. Not supporting your child to read around a subject is not cause for social services concern.

Your dp needs to grow a pair and stand up to his ex. What kind of man moans to his partner about his children having nits all the time but then doesn't get his child's haircut because mum threatened him with the police? Have you any idea how stupid that sounds? Do you honestly think the police would get involved with a parent cutting the hair of their child who has nits on the advice of a doctor?!

If you believe mum is neglecting these children, stop point scoring by asking them who they want to spend Xmas with, making arrangements for the perfect family Xmas involving your cousin's child (seriously? you wonder why mum is difficult about contact when in the middle of October the children are going home and saying they're spending Xmas with their dad's partner's cousin's baby?! Can you not see why a parent might be bothered by that?) and actually do something about it. Your priorities (or rather those of your dp) are totally screwed and the children are falling down a massive hole in the middle of it all.

fedup your attitude is exactly why he is reluctant to get SS etc involved because he doesn't trust that it isn't just differences in their parenting styles.

he isn't complicit in this he has repeatedly tried to discuss his concerns with his ex and with other people but gets dismissed as being petty and sour grapes.

so the GP and teachers are concerned or not?

have you read my posts or are you just here to pick a fight because you are bored?

Whereisthelight I really do understand your and DHs concerns re reporting. Ultimately I don't think he has any option, once the EXW gets wind of him even thinking of reporting the neglect she will stop access.

I don't either mona but ultimately it is his decision and whilst I can steer him I cannot do it for him without destroying our relationship. I suspect you are right about her stopping access but he thinks that trying to deal with ot amicably and without official channels is best for the kids.

he won't do anything he perceives as likely to do more harm to the kids