I'm starting to dislike my stepdaughter

[28wendy]

I know this sounds awful but I'm really struggling to like my 5 year old stepdaughter at the moment. I have been for her dad for just over a year and when we first got together things were great.
However now we have moved in together I am finding it harder to bite my tongue when she does anything I don't agree with. She wastes food, constantly jumps on the sofa and and kicks things around the room (close to the TV) and is really rough with the pet rabbit even though she has been constantly told by both me and her dad not to.
To make it worse she has started with the whole 'well my mum lets me' or 'my mum says I don't have to listen to you'.
Her dad has told her that when she's in this house it's our rules and they might be different to her mums rules but her mum has had a problem with me since I got with my man and it only got worse when we got engaged. My step daughter has told my partner that her mum has said I'm horrible and that I'm not allowed to do her hair and that she shouldn't listen to me so part of me feels the easiest thing would be to just leave her to it. But whenever she's here she constantly follows me round and wants to play with my hair and kiss and cuddle me and I'm starting to be very reluctant to let her.
She has also started playing games, telling her mum she doesn't want to come round and crying and refusing to come when my partner goes to pick her up which is really hurting and upsetting him !
Is it normal to feel this way about a little girl ? I know it's not her fault that her mum tells her these things but I'm really struggling to keep being so understanding !

This sounds totally normal for a 5 year old. I think play with her when she wants to play with you. If her dad is enforcing the rules it doesn't matter that she says 'mummy let's me' (and all kids do this btw). Kids will always come up with reasons not to do things and she's just using that one. It isn't a slight against her dad it's just to try to get what she wants. Small children are learning about empathy and compassion and at the moment at her age they are still in the early stages of learning understanding.

I would start by backing off just a little and leaving any disciplining to her Dad, wherever possible. Ignore the comments that she says her Mum is making, or if you have to respond then gently suggest she may have misunderstood and then create a diversion.

She is undoubtedly very confused, shs is still very young to grasp the situation especially if things are being said to her that really shouldn't.

And please remember she is just a child, it's her behaviour you're disliking not her, and it's being criticised you are repelled by, not her. Allow the good to happen and try to ignore or avoid the bad.

It's perfectly normal not to love a step child right away. It's hard work! She sounds just like my own little darling step child at that age. I agree with the advice above. She's being a typical child, her dad needs to discipline her more at this stage than you can. You and he can discuss any age appropriate ground rules when she is not around but he needs to lead on how they are enforced. She may say all sorts of things about her mums rules and what her mum says. Find ways not to take things personally and don't engage with it.
Learning to love a step child can be hard. Learning to parent them is no easier. Take it easy on yourself. Play with her and make a fuss of her when you can - it will all get easier eventually.

I was in your boat 3 year ago 28wendy as already mentioned by a previous poster let her dad do the discipling (for now) that doesnt mean let her get away with murder but things may still be a little strange for her, my sd is now 8 and believe me it gets easier, we havent got an amazing bond but when shes at our house she loves to snuggle up to me in bed the 1st chance she gets to jump in or enjoys playing schools with me etc. I was 25 when i got with her dad and hadnt been with a man with kids prior, we are now expecting our own little bundle of joy and we are both so excited to tell her! It takes time and i honestly know how your feeling but give it time. Best of luck to you all.

Think of it in terms of her behaviour you dislike rather than her and it will be a lot easier to deal with!!

the chances are high that she is being a brat at home and saying "well daddy let's me" too. however if her mum is saying shit like that to her then your dp needs to deal with it and firmly.

she is 5 but will rely on her parents to lead her down the right path and if her mum is deliberately inciting hatred then that is effectively abuse. if you can view it in that terms then you will be better able to dismiss her comments and focus your anger on her mum who is the real issue here

and it is hard being a live in partner to a man with kids who's behaviour drives you nuts (am there now) but you are already winning over a lot of us as your partner is backing you up!!

I can sympathise with this. I used to feel complete horror in public sometimes when she would be a little *%!@ and even had people say to me, 'well mummy should blah blah' staring pointedly at me, horrifying! I wanted a t-shirt that said 'not her mother' with a big arrow.

I didn't have any expectations, and I think that's a good thing, it took YEARS to build love. Most children are REALLY annoying sometimes. Most parents have wanted to strangle their child at some point and that's WITH all the love you have for your own. That's completely normal, it would only be abnormal of course if they reacted to that. Most just leave the room and count to ten and let the other parent step in. So you have that same irritation sometimes but without the love, of course that's hard. Add to that she is being sent in pre loaded with hurtful things to say and do to you both. Right now she's effectively a tiny stranger, an agent of another team sent in with things to say she doesn't understand, with her mum's aim to have you snap and say that's it I don't want to do this.

Under all that bluster that she really doesn't mean and understand, there is a fine little human, and one that can be shaped with consistent fair behaviour, I promise you. Honestly you won't notice it happening at first, but bit by bit you will find the nice little things they do will melt your heart.

I would look for some things which you enjoy to do in common, baking, craft, horse riding, dog walking, anything really. Before you know it you new found mini companion will be brightening up that activity, and trust me no matter what mum says about you, if you spend real time giving the little one real attention, they will happily enjoy your visit and ignore what mum says, it will completely backfire. Now if I hear 'I do this at mums' I say 'well, bad luck, you're not at mums just now so better quit doing it'. As long as dad is consistent and you stick within his style of parenting and let him sort out big discipline it'll be fine.

It does sound like her opinion of you is being formed by her mother. Sadly this is really common. Try not to let it push a wedge between you, she is only parroting what she hears at home. My DSC act up a lot when their mother has been slagging us off to them - the behaviour is a result of their confusion. When I first moved in with their father I used to find DSC harming my lovely kind Labrador, which was horrendous. They would break things and draw all over the things I bought them. It was really hard and I very nearly gave up. It took a lot of reading up on step parenting to work out that this was a normal (if horrible) reaction to the bollocks their mother was filling them with. Have a google of parental alienation - there is a lot of information out there and you will find it helpful. If you withdraw too much from your DSD then you are reinforcing the negative things that her mother is saying about you. Bite your tongue and be as nice as you can. It may take years but she will eventually realise that you are not the wicked stepmother that her wicked mother is painting you as. If you and your DH react too severely then all you will do is play into his exWs little jealous mind games.
Be firm with your DSD but also remind her that you love her and care for her.

She is being a normal 5 yr old girl, with normal 5 yr old behaviour. I have asked my DC ten times to pick up the rubbish off the floor - nothing happening, feed the hamster x5 - still not happened.........

Whether her mother is or is not slagging you off is a moot point. My DC says all sorts of stuff SM is supposed to have said some I believe and some is just not true.
The only thing I have ever said to my DC about SM, is that I do not like her and we will never be friends. That was after DC asked me why we could not all be friends again - because SM - says she will not lie anymore.

Believe me it is very hard not to say anything derogatory about a woman who treats my DCS like second class citizens. The eldest now understands the situation and is quite vocal about what he does not like, about her behaviour. Please do not fall into that trap, it is heart breaking to hear an 8yr old tell you that they are excluded from things because - not enough room in the car, not allowed to have a cuddle in thevening with their Dad because she has to sit next to him all the time - they have 8 ONs per annum.......

I wonder from the way you post, whether you are the OW - which puts a whole new slant on the situation.

I stopped reading at 'When I got with my man"

Do you class her as your 'step daughter' already?

I'm sure as time passes and she gets used to the routine when she's at your house the situation will improve.

and bingo
OP must be the OW because she doesn't love her DSD unconditionally!!! And why shouldn't she refer to her as step daughter after a year?
OP - my advice is the same as the more sensible posters on this thread. Take a step back from the discipline and fake it till you make it and as time goes on you might find you do become quite fond of her as I did with my dsd. I have been with DP for 5 years and I don't love my DSC - they will never know that though because I am nothing but nice to them.
Don't be hard on yourself.

Thank you everyone for your advice, I think knowing that these feelings are normal will help me relax a little more whenever she's staying with us and I will definitely take a step back and try to just do all the fun activities with her for now. Thanks again ladies x

You need some books about step parenting. Read some reviews on amazon

And no I am not the OW, my partner had split up with the mother 3 years before I met him and she has since had a child with another man and is now with a new boyfriend herself

No one said she was the OW - I asked a question because some of the phrasing in the original post was v odd.

Legitimate question on here because it has a huge bearing on the direction of the blended relationship.

Hi OP

No it is not normal to feel this way about a 5 year old. Sadly the situation you are in is becoming normal for many families.

You could try looking at this situation from your DSD's point of view. She is 5 and dealing with a blended family is met with a 5 yo emotions. She loves both her parents and feels loyalty to mum and dad. She also wants acceptance and approval from you which is why she follows you around and wants to hug and do hair.

Her behavior is not out of the norm nor does she sound particularly naughty.

I can't tell from your OP what it is you want from this child. How do you expect visits to go? How do you expect her to behave/handle the situation?
Don't have your expectations to high as she will not be able to live up to them.

If you are struggling to accept this now be aware that the situation as she gets older can become worse. Teenage years can be a real struggle

As others have said take a step back from the discipline. Enforce house rules but allow her father to take a leading roll.
Ignore the "my mum said...." comments. They will only cause you to resent the child who is only parroting her mother. It is not her fault.

There is some very good step parenting advice books which you may find helpful. There are also some very bad child blaming ones, stay away from them they won't help. If I can find any links I will post them.

Thanks flossymoo. We have set up a star chart so she knows what is expected of her when she is here but I think I'm just letting her mum get to me too much.
I feel very intimated by her, so much so that if we go to the shops near my DSDs school (which is round the corner from her mums house) I spend my whole time worrying we might bump into her !
I'll try to just ignore anything that gets said about her mum and hopefully I will be able to enjoy my DSD's company a bit more

I wonder from the way you post, whether you are the OW - which puts a whole new slant on the situation.
That could not be less relevant to the situation. Even if a child's dad put his winkie in half the town including OP it is utterly irrelevant to a child's relationship with their dad. People really need to find a better delivery tool for their anger than emotionally damaging their own child, it's pointless, irrelevant, and ultimately counter-productive. If women don't have the bottle to approach the OW and tell her what they think, don't go sending your little child in to do it for you!

Asteria your advice is excellent, and I really want to thank you, I had a look at the parental alienation material, and when I'd finished having a little cry I showed it to my OH also. It perfectly describes 3 periods in our lives with my DSD, where she has acted in aggressive ways so disturbing that I finally sat her down and said, why are you so SAD? It clearly explains why the route I believed in of firm fair rules balanced with empathy has been hugely effective.

I think it might really help you OP, have a look, she really is repeating what mum says because at that age we all believe in our parents infallible. Mum is saying x and y, so why would it not be true? It's easier for her in a way if you prove it by being an evil stepmum. It completely foils the system if you smile sweetly and are really nice, it completely disarms the problem. That doesn't mean discipline shouldn't be firm, but for example when she's being great, just turn to her sometimes and say, you were so helpful in that shop, thankyou so much for being so good it's really made me happy. I made a really pretty irresistible dressing table in my room which I would sit and brush my hair at, with lots of fun little pots of glittering things and cute hair slides, and tempted my DSD in with intricate hair designs that made her feel cool.

In spite of what she's hearing she is reaching out to you and that clearly shows there's a kind loving little kid in there desperate to connect. A 5 year old child is inherently good they don't have any hate in them, they don't have the attention span to maintain it apart from anything else.

Being the OW, does have a major relevance to any childs' relationship with their parents and to dismiss it as not - is sticking your head in the sand.

The little girl is saying " my mum says......, my mum lets me" come on, every child in any family step or not has their kids play one off against the other and say things we all know are not true. Any evidence she is actually saying the stuff.

This is more about the OP, coming to terms with living with child - her own or not. Nothing she complained about, is any different form my DCs, wasting food, bouncing, following people around, playing one parent off against each other etc - normal 5 yr old behaviour - which the OP is learning about.

It is not relevant in this case which is good - the girl is just being normal.

(to put the OW part in context - my EX and the OW - would come round to our house, leave all the DCs downstairs whilst they had a shag. The DCS on both sides knew about this and were too scared to talk to the other parent, even when they knew it was wrong. All are now scared about what they say on either side. Mine hate her and hers hate him - we teach our children not to lie and then we lie to them)

I have the bottle to tell the OW what I think but I do not. WHY - because the delightful woman then treats my DCS like shit even more than she usually does when they are round. eg, cooking food that both my DCs detest and her DCs love, for two nights, making pudding a treat if they ate all the hated food and if they did not they went straight to bed. Ball less father backed her up - why would I antagonise such a nasty petty woman when the only people who get hurt are innocent children. That incident was prompted by me pointing out that not washing the DCS clothes on holiday for 10 days was unacceptable - when they only had taken 5 pairs of pants etc . not directed at her but at him and her - they had washed theirs and her DCs.

Excuse me for saying whatever but the OP has already said she was not the OW so regardless of your particular feelings on that subject it isn't relevant to this thread and her set of circumstances, so your portrayal of your situation however bad for you is not altogether necessary here.

She's trying her best to understand why she's feeling this way about the child and how to deal with that. If she didn't care about it she wouldn't be posting.

Whatever with the greatest respect you need to stop projecting your own feelings about your situation onto every other stepmum on the planet.

I have a 14 year old step daughter, until 3 months ago she lived with her mother, her father and I have been together for 12 years and have 10 & 7 year old boys. SD used to come on family holidays, weekend visits, special occasions etc all the time. She started getting out of control, her mum was keeping an eye on a friends house while they were away. SD decided to steal the keys and hold a party which got out of hand causing £12,000 worth of damage. She was sent to us for some Daddy discipline if you like. Since she's been here she's gone awol having to be located and brought home by the police, my husband was far too trusting and agreed she could go out, her curfew was 9pm, she never came home, she was located at 3am hanging around with a group of lads. Anyway, a few weeks ago my husband had a text reminder about a nurses appointment followed by a doctors appointment which he knew nothing about. Suspicious mind confronted daughter and surprise she's pregnant, she was going to get a termination all on her own,. Why is it that a 14 year old can do this without parental consent. Parents have no rights. She said the deed happened that night she disappeared, but scan says she's only 5 weeks the dates just do not add up. She's a liar, she doesn't speak to me at all, I've tried my best to converse with her since she's lived with us, she's horrible to our boys, and now I really feel that my marriage could suffer through this. She brings a horrible tension to our house! I am sad to say that the little girl that I once loved has gone and I'm starting to hate her. My husband says that our family of 4 are the most important people in his life and we should send her back to her mums but no doubt that will come back and bite me on the backside. Should she go or should she stay.

Rockybop, you and your DP really need to support her, with her mother if possible.

I am not projecting and asked the OP a question, which may well have relevance to her situation.

She then answered it -done dusted.

I then answered the person who said it was irrelevant.

Personally, I think she is struggling to be around a 5yr old regardless of any other issues. She has the frustrations we all have but not the innate love we do for our own DCs, but hating a 5yr old child is abnormal, unless there is stuff we were not being told.

She used some odd expressions so I asked the question. It is relevant - she answered, not an issue. However, the person who says it is irrelevant is sticking their head in the sand.