Can I have some opinions please? Blended family.

[crunchyfrog]

I have posted in Step-parenting because there are 4 adults involved, but I am not a step parent.

I split from XH over 5 years ago. His contact then was 1 weeknight and 1 weekend night per week, initially only with the older 2 DC but after a while with all 3.

2 years ago he began a new relationship, 1 year ago they began co-habiting and this month their baby is due.

Since the introduction of his new partner, XH has apparently lost some interest in the kids, and could not understand their desire to spend time with just him, rather than with him and his partner and her family. This led to a lot of trouble, kids refusing contact etc. We went to mediation and I practically begged him to spend more time with them, set up Skype, email and text so I don't need to be involved etc. He now sees them for 2 nights per fortnight, with occasional Sunday visits for a couple of hours in the off weekends. There is zero contact between him and the children between these visits. They no longer even ask about him.

The new baby has caused some issues for my children in that they feel pushed aside already, before the child has even arrived. Now XH has decided that he does not want to have the children overnight for a period of 6 weeks from around the time the baby is due.

My opinion is that this is immensely damaging, my middle child is already refusing contact (he's 9, I have been advised by my solicitor that forcing him to attend is a bad idea.) I can't see the reason for stopping contact. I think the children need to be involved with the arrival of their new sibling.

I am dealing with all of the emotional fallout, my 11 year old DD feels unable to tell her father how she feels about anything as he gets upset. She feels responsible for that. But she feels that her SM does not like her, and does not want her around. She's a mostly delightful child (with periods of being a PITA as all children do). I try to pass on her feelings to her father, but he focuses on the fact that it is me telling him.

This was not an acrimonious split, it has only become so since he started living with his partner. I genuinely do not know what I did to make things so awful, but my older two children are really, really struggling.

My BF does not live with us, but is more involved day to day with the children simply because he sees more of them and helps me out with school runs etc. The children do not seem to be threatened by his presence; we often have family meetings (me and the kids only) where we talk about this sort of thing and how we all feel.

I need help, I don't know how to support my children through this upheaval and seeming rejection (I'm sure he's not really rejecting them, it's just that he's caught up in his new life I think.) Book suggestions or experiences would really help.

TL;DR - XH having new baby, kids struggling with fall out, help please.

Sounds tough. Have you met the new SM? Are there any concrete examples of how/why the children feel pushed out? What do they say exactly?

I can understand your ex and his DP not wanting to have the children for a little bit around the birth, as she will of course want his support in the hospital which he won't be able to give if he's looking after his children, and then later she might want some time to get to grips with breastfeeding, establishing a routine etc. Maybe if she is a first time mum this is even more understandable. But 6 weeks does seem excessive, though you say it's just overnights that are the issue - what HAS he suggested in terms of contact during that time?

I'm sorry that I don't have any real advice as I don't have experience of this situation, but I think it's bound to be tough in lots of ways. My DSS has started to say he hopes his dad and I don't have a baby together as he likes being the only child here, which makes me feel really sad, to be honest and makes me worry about how we will cope if/when it ever happens. I think it could be natural that children feel upset and threatened by a new baby in this kind of situation, but it's hard to know how to support them through that from your perspective as someone who doesn't really know what is going and has no influence over what happens in the other household. Best of luck.

I very much feel for you trying to protect your children from their father's indifference. I wish I had an answer, this is an issue I have with my older teenage children, but it has always been this way. My children have both come to their own conclusion that their dad is simply a 'bad parent'. I have re-enforced that although he loves them, some parents are better at being parents than others.

The bottom line is that I don't think there is anything more you can do apart from encouraging contact, and making sure their lives are happy in every other way. Of course their sm is wrong not to include them at least after the first couple of weeks with the new baby- she wants time with 'her' family, ie your ex and new baby. While I can understand this, it is very, very, very hard on your kids and not wise at all for all their future relationships with eachother. I would just keep them as busily occupied as u can. What does help is them growing into teenagers and having their own lives, although that may seem far away just now.

Thanks for replying! It is a logistical ball-ache as well as a horrible emotional situation, I have 2 jobs, a FT day job and then a late night one which I try to book around "his" weekends.

I'm trying hard to be reasonable, but I know that if I were to have another child (no danger of that!) there's nobody who would conveniently vanish my existing kids for weeks at a time!

He hasn't given me a proposed schedule. I expect it will be last minute. I am going to email him and request something in writing, although it does seem mad when so many men are taking RP's to court for access, there is nothing I can do to make him more interested.

I understand your frustration about you having to look after your kids if you have another baby, but I do think its a bit different when the woman having a baby has to accommodate stepkids that she isn't mum to, especially if she has a difficult relationship with them. The feelings involved are very differentdifferent to when you are mum to all the kids and new baby equally. I kind of think there is just no good solution to it really - I can imagine wanting to have DP to myself for a few days after having our first child as when DSS is here he does need a lot of attention to himself. But I also recognise that wish isnt fair on DSS and that desire for a bit of focus on me couldnt be taken to an extreme. Plus I would want DSS to bond with his new sibling and be around to share some of that new baby time. That's why I think 6 weeks is extreme.

I think you should definitely encourage as much contact as possible in terms of day visits, if he is really refusing overnights. Though I can see that puts you out in terms of planning/organising travel...

I do think that's sad for your kids. Mine are similar ages, and their dad also had a new baby a couple of years back. It is easy for them to feel they're missing out on things when there's a new child around when they're not :( I agree to be on call to have them whilst ex's DW was having the baby, but otherwise contact went on as normal.

Can you talk to your ex about how they feel? Or help equip them to talk to their dad? I helped my DD to write down what she was upset about once with her dad in a note that she took to him

Could you suggest to your ex that he has some time without the kids staying over for the first few weeks with the new baby but that he spends some time with them in the day? This should include them meeting the new baby but could also include some time out of the house with just their dad whilst their DSM has done quiet time.

I also think you need to work on men who see parenting as something they can just opt in and out of to see the times they have their DCs (as per whatever rota you have) as times when they are their responsibility. So they can't just say, "sorry I can't have DC next weekend" and need instead to say "I'm doing X next weekend, is there any chance you could have DC instead?" It took me a while to get my ex to see contact that way but he did seem to manage it in the end.

your exh is being a dick about not listening to what your kids are feeling but as a stepmum who had a baby last year I can understand why his partner feels uneasy about having an additional 3 kids around when trying to establish feeding etc with a new baby - i was absolutely terrified of having to cope with a brand new baby and my 2 dsc's especially as their behaviour can be horrific. I did ask dp that the kids didn't stay with us for the first couple of contact weekends and that they stayed with pil and we went up daily and spend all day with them but the "care" aspect would be done by mil. Dp works nights and due to issues at work wasn't able to take his full paternity leave so I would have been on my own with them when dd was only 4 days old. unfortunately mil was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day before I had dd so they weren't able to have dsc's and we did have to cancel one weekend (although it had always been planned they wouldn't be with us as exw had said that she was taking them on holiday that weekend but changed her mind the day I had dd)

I did end up with all 3 kids on my own for a week when dd was 15 days old - it wasn't as bad as I had feared as dd was a very good baby. but it was very daunting so please don't be too hard on her if she is a first time mum as it really is terrifying!!

thay said the issue needs to be dealt with regarding why your dd thinks her sm hates her as that gives me much more cause for concern. dsd and I have regular disagreements - she is 9 and gets too involved in what she is doing and forgets to go to the toilet so wets/poos herself regularly (she has been tested for everything going and the specialist used the word lazy before anyone flames me) so we have arguments - not about the messing, but about her lying about it and shoving her poop filled pants in the bottom of her wash basket and leaving them festering rather than doing as has been discussed and agreed that she cleans herself up, bags up her clothes and brings them down so I can wash them separately. however she also knows how much I love the bones of her and we also have days where she limpets herself to my side and I cannot pee without having her outside the door yapping away about whatever nonsense has enthralled her this week. I would be mortified if she thought I hated her!!

could your dd write her dad a letter if she doesn't want to talk to him about it? perhaps if he could read it and absorb before having to discuss it with her ot would help? or is there a mutual friend or family member who could mediate between her and her dad?

I hope you get something sorted as your kids sound like they are really suffering!

she feels that her SM does not like her, and does not want her around. She's a mostly delightful child (with periods of being a PITA as all children do).

These two things are not necessarily linked. Even though your DD may be the loveliest, sweetest, easiest 11 year old ever known.

A common issue (often discussed here) is that SMums (unfairly) resent their DSC if they are "put upon" by their DP, and expected to take responsibility for their DSC. Many SMums, early on in the blending journey, bite their tongue and say nothing when their DP delegates his parenting responsibility to her without asking or discussing it.

And often, when SMum becomes pregnant or has a baby of their own, her tolerance of the expectations and assumptions her DP makes regarding care of her DSC, drops.
There have been situations discussed here where it has been assumed by a NR Dad that a SMum will take responsibility for his Dcs during school holiday contact while he's at work, because she's on maternity leave. That she can do the school run now she's not working and can pop the DSC to play dates and clubs.

Of course, none of that is your DDs fault. But, if her Dad is taking advantage of her stepmum with regards to his own parenting responsibility, then it is a difficult task for a heavily pregnant, hormonal woman, even a stepmum, to conceal her feelings all the time. And this is the situation which results.

He did do the cringe worthy thing in the early days of having DD in the front of the car and his partner in the back. I actually spoke to DD about that and said it was not OK. So I am sure there's resentment if that sort of behaviour continued at their home.

I am trying not to do his parenting for him, or to let him abdicate responsibility, but when his behaviour directly impacts the kids it's tricky. They come to me for answers I just don't have.

This is her first baby.

if his behaviour re the car has overspilled into the home then it is likely to cause resentment from sm and your dd if it has then suddenly altered. has dd given you Amy info as to what sm does/doesn't do to make her feel hated?

could you talk directly to the sm at all? I don't get on with the exw mainly because she is a bloody nightmare who had kids "because it's what you do" (her words) rather than because she wanted them and she treats them very much like a fashion accessory imo. she has also made life very difficult but if there was an issue that she didn't feel she could talk to dp about I would hope she would come to me and has done on occasion

Right, it's her first baby. She needs time to settle. Absoloutely.

But this does not stop your ex being a father to his children with you. Surely he can spend an afternoon with them doing something nice in the first few weeks.

They may come to you looking for answers but its ok to tell them that you don't always know them.

Now XH has decided that he does not want to have the children overnight for a period of 6 weeks from around the time the baby is due.

Just to add that it's sites like MN that reinforce the need for dedicated time in "the first six weeks" to first-time mums; there's a thread in Active Discussions at the moment about establishing breast feeding etc. I can fully understand a stepmums trepidation about her DSC spending time overnight during a period where she is establishing a latch, bleeding heavily, struggling with stitches/piles etc.
Much as "we" as stepmums may love and care for our stepDCs, there are some things we still want to protect them from seeing, and/or would prefer not share with them - particularly as it is, quite naturally, often shared by the DCs with their mum, too.

Wrt contact, it is crucial to make sure it is notmore important to you than it is to anyone else. it is more difficult for you to respond to the children's changing needs if you depend on contact for childcare.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but combining the emotional stuff with the ball ache of logistics makes decision making harder.

Wet the new baby, am stuff, I have no experience, so no wisdom on that. It sounds really difficult.
Best of luck

Wet should be wrt. Am should be and.

It's not the 'children's' needs that are changing, it's the step mother & idle fathers.

Why shouldn't the OP (or any residential parent) rely on the other parent to have their own children when they are supposed to? Why should they be responsible for the children 24/7 365 - they are both parents. FGS.

Yes it's her first baby, but she's with a man who already has children that he has a responsibility to. 6 weeks with no contact is totally unreasonable.

However, he's clearly a pillock, so how you convince him to act like a decent human being I don't know :(

6 weeks with no contact is totally unreasonable.

Definitely - but the OP hasn't said that he's refusing any contact, just no overnights. She's expecting him to leave scheduling contact during this period to the last minute, though - which is approaching pillock territory and just as infuriating as the plans my ex tries to make 15 months in advance

wondered how long it would be before someone trotted out the "but she is with a man who already has kids" line

yes he has kids but she doesn't and she is allowed to want to be selfish. they are his kids not hers and if she needs time to adjust and deal with being a new mum then she should be allowed it.

I am appalled so many people think it's fine for the contact of the kids to be disrupted by a new baby

Their dad should take them to stay elsewhere if the SM is overwhelmed or she could take the baby to het parents etc

If my exh did this with our 2, I would stop encouraging them to see him. It's too unhealthy for them to be flung aside like that for a new baby.

Their dad should take them to stay elsewhere if the SM is overwhelmed or she could take the baby to het parents etc

Why should the new baby be robbed of their dad in the first few weeks of it's life? It is no more the baby's fault than it is the older DCs!

MN is so contrary - threads encouraging new mums to put themselves and their new baby first, threads supportive of new mums who don't want their Mum/MIL in the home soon after birth - yet stepDCs? Oh, you knew about those, so it's tough - you have to ignore all the MN advice when it comes to them!

When you take on a man who already has children you cannot pretend they do not exist when the mood takes you. I appreciate stepmother will want time alone with her partner and baby but the children should be introduced to their new brother or sister asap if only for a short visit. Ex-DH should explain to his children why no overnight stays for a few weeks and take them out instead. If they feel pushed out by the new baby they will only harbour resentment!

".......take on a man who already has children........"

This has got to be one of the most insulting, sexist and downright offensive comments I ever read on MN.

Contrary to common opinion, stepmums don't go to the local shelter and pick our DPs from the "unwanted husbands" section

I would not want to be with someone who was prepared to push his existing children to one side like that. I would think "that is how you would treat our child if we broke up."

I guess the difference is that, although the feelings of a SM towards MIL and SKs could be similar in terms of stress, the SKs a) deserve their feelings taken into account more, b) do actually call that house home and c) are the responsibility of one of the household members to look after

I honestly think this is a situation that really makes it clear how impossible stepparenting and blending families is sometimes. There isn't a perfect solution for everyone.

I think compromise is the way forward. People mostly seem to agree 6 weeks disruption is too much, especially if he isn't suggesting practical solutions during this time. I think you should try to work out a compromise though because a little bit of adjustment to the schedule seems reasonable to me.

Of course all this is dependent on being able to negotiate with your ex...otherwise I can you explain to the children how physically/emotionally demanding it is for mums when they have a new baby and they need some quiet time at first to recover and get to know what the baby wants and needs?

I can understand him not wanting to have the DCs over night around the time of the birth as he would have to find someone to look after the kids whilst they went to hospital. Why not let dcs stay at home overnight with OP instead of potentially being disrupted in the middle of the night at the ex?

he would have to find someone to look after the kids whilst they went to hospital.

The nature of being a NRP makes this a lot harder than for conventional families. If there aren't any immediate family members nearby, then there may be no one else the DCs know in the NRP social circle.
Parents of the DCs school friends often avoid a NRP even if they do the school run occasionally (often through a misplaced feeling of loyalty to the RP) and understandably, NRP avoid socialising with their own friends during contact time, as it is pointed out regularly here on MN, that the time is for the DCs and why should they share it?
So, when it comes to emergency childcare in the event of labour, then the NRP doesn't have the same pool of resources to call on as the RP does.

Wakey - Given he only has them 2 nights per fortnight and a occasionally a couple of hours on Sundays now and has said that he wont be having them overnight for 6 weeks around the time the baby is due... I think it's pretty much a given that the kids will be lucky to see him for an hour or so a week. I think that's pretty much 'no contact for 6 weeks'.

The baby will not know or care one bit if the father isn't there for a few evenings/nights, so long as it has it's mum. It's not 'for a few weeks' it's for a few hours. Are you saying he shouldn't go to work either? Or that a baby wil know if he's at work or with his children?

MN isn't one 'mass' of opinion. I agree that a woman who has just had a baby shouldn't have to have other people there immediately after the birth but I would never say not for 6 weeks. Not to mention that having other adults there is a whole different thing to having children there.

.......take on a man who already has children........

This has got to be one of the most insulting, sexist and downright offensive comments I ever read on MN. Contrary to common opinion, stepmums don't go to the local shelter and pick our DPs from the "unwanted husbands" section

No, it's not sexist. I would say that to a man as well. (well, has taken on a woman who has children). If you form a relationship with someone who has children, you can't just ignore that fact. You can choose not to form a relationship with them if you don't want to take another persons children into consideration for the rest of your life and that would be fair enough.

Wheresthelight - How gob smackinginly selfish. So 3 children shouldn't see their Dad for 6 weeks because she's having a baby? Yes, she knew his children were part of the package, it's not fine to pick and choose when to see them. I wonder how you/she would feel if the boot was on the other foot?!

Pumpkin exactly.

Riverboat - your first paragraph is spot on.

I think decent Dad's go out of their way to make sure their existing children don't feel pushed out by a new baby. It might be a tough time for the SM being a new Mum & she might need lots of support, but the fact is, he's already a Dad and he has to be there for all of his family, new & old.