Can I have some opinions please? Blended family.

[crunchyfrog]

I have posted in Step-parenting because there are 4 adults involved, but I am not a step parent.

I split from XH over 5 years ago. His contact then was 1 weeknight and 1 weekend night per week, initially only with the older 2 DC but after a while with all 3.

2 years ago he began a new relationship, 1 year ago they began co-habiting and this month their baby is due.

Since the introduction of his new partner, XH has apparently lost some interest in the kids, and could not understand their desire to spend time with just him, rather than with him and his partner and her family. This led to a lot of trouble, kids refusing contact etc. We went to mediation and I practically begged him to spend more time with them, set up Skype, email and text so I don't need to be involved etc. He now sees them for 2 nights per fortnight, with occasional Sunday visits for a couple of hours in the off weekends. There is zero contact between him and the children between these visits. They no longer even ask about him.

The new baby has caused some issues for my children in that they feel pushed aside already, before the child has even arrived. Now XH has decided that he does not want to have the children overnight for a period of 6 weeks from around the time the baby is due.

My opinion is that this is immensely damaging, my middle child is already refusing contact (he's 9, I have been advised by my solicitor that forcing him to attend is a bad idea.) I can't see the reason for stopping contact. I think the children need to be involved with the arrival of their new sibling.

I am dealing with all of the emotional fallout, my 11 year old DD feels unable to tell her father how she feels about anything as he gets upset. She feels responsible for that. But she feels that her SM does not like her, and does not want her around. She's a mostly delightful child (with periods of being a PITA as all children do). I try to pass on her feelings to her father, but he focuses on the fact that it is me telling him.

This was not an acrimonious split, it has only become so since he started living with his partner. I genuinely do not know what I did to make things so awful, but my older two children are really, really struggling.

My BF does not live with us, but is more involved day to day with the children simply because he sees more of them and helps me out with school runs etc. The children do not seem to be threatened by his presence; we often have family meetings (me and the kids only) where we talk about this sort of thing and how we all feel.

I need help, I don't know how to support my children through this upheaval and seeming rejection (I'm sure he's not really rejecting them, it's just that he's caught up in his new life I think.) Book suggestions or experiences would really help.

TL;DR - XH having new baby, kids struggling with fall out, help please.

Wakey if the RP needs to work then the NRP just needs to sort out childcare. Plenty of babysitting agencies if they don't want to ask friends. If the RP doesn't need to work then yes, totally fine for the children to sleep at the RP's home around the due date. I don't think many people would argue otherwise.

I don't think many people would argue otherwise.
Previous threads indicate otherwise

I would say that to a man as well. (well, has taken on a woman who has children).
Personally, I find the term "taking on a partner" to describe a relationship incredibly demeaning, no matter how it is applied. It's implications are undoubtedly reflected in the dynamic between the couple.
If I thought for one moment that my DH considered himself to have "taken me on" I'd be out the door. It's patronising and devaluing.

Let's be honest here the dad is being a shit, he has responsibility for 4 children and he is not taking his share.

How many of us could chose not to home our children overnight for 6 weeks.

It's not the ops fault, is this dad going to pay for all the extra disruption to the ops life?

The step mum can't be blamed either. If she knew that her partner would parent his children I doubt she would have a problem. Maybe she is coming to a realisation that this man is going to leave her holding the baby plus his 3 and she is scared she won't cope.

Ok, let me re-phrase that, 'I don't think many reasonable people would argue otherwise' :)

Taken on isn't a phrase I'd use, I was just replying to the original comment. I would say 'get together with', 'have a relationship with' 'get married to' etc. I don't like 'taken on' either, but accept that people generally just mean 'get together with'. The odd person still means 'taken on taken on' in a 'they need looking after' way and some posters even say it about themselves which I find really weird (ie DP took me and the kids on - wtaf is with that??). It's a terribly outdated phrase.

Sorry, but I will never get my head round this obsession with 'overnighting' - having been both a step child and a step parent, I maintain that a parent/child can have meaningful contact without the need to sleep under the same roof. Surely your waking hours are when quality time takes place, not when everyone is asleep?

I don't agree with you petal. There's a huge difference in going to a parent's during the day and partially living in their home. My OH felt very very strongly that seeing his child during just the day is what grandparents and uncles do not what a parent does. Parents put their child to bed, read them a story, deal with the tooth fairy, clear up vomit, cuddle after nightmares. It's not about just 'quality time' its actually about day to day care of your child which makes you a parent.

I've not read absolutely every post here but my ten penneth as the step mum, I can't conceive of not wanting a new baby's siblings around when the new baby comes. I get the need for coverage at the time of being in hospital but it should be top priority for any parent for their kids to meet their new child, or their new child to meet their half siblings. Of course arrangements need to be made but that's true of any family, and tbh it sounds like mum is happy to be a bit flexible and is trying hard for the sake of her kids to get this new family to gel, good on you, you sound like a lovely mum.

I think it's grossly confusing and disruptive to remove their contact like this, very upsetting and sending a clear message to a child of that age that you come second to the new baby. I'm really disgusted with dad, his responsibility is to all the ids not just the shiny new one.

I would try to explain to your ex how the children feel, could you get a meeting with him as you say it wasn't acrimonious? Perhaps you can hope that when the new baby comes the new mum will realise that families and children's feelings are important. I think she's missing a massive trick personally, my 9 year old step daughter would be a complete asset if I were to have a child, she is terrific with kids and would make a great little play-mate and extra pair of hands sometimes, she would find it a joy to do. I bet your 11 year old would be the same she sounds great.

I realise I've been a bit strong here but a new baby in this situation is not a 'new family' its part of the existing family and they all are a vital part of each other's future, they are siblings no matter how dense some of the adults are behaving. Sorry you've had to deal with this and seem to need to explain some basic parenting points, good luck, I hope they hear you about this. Good to see a brilliant mum putting the kids first.

But would it be the end of the world if 'overnighting' was suspended for a week or so (not necessarily for 6 weeks) immediately after the baby arrives? Surely this is one of the very few occasions when the needs of the new mum/new baby should take priority. The 'existing' children could still bond with the new baby during, for an example, an afternoon visit?

my XH saw my DS's for the last time for 7 weeks this weekend. His DW is 35ish weeks pregnant and that's that as far as they are concerned. The boys don't come back until they have 'settled in' with their new baby. I've been told that even if I don't understand it 'thats just the way it has to be'.

Personally, I would welcome my SDC around if I had a new baby, and I think it's dreadful that my kids aren't welcome at their dads, but I'm not about to fight with their dad about it.

I've spent 2 years facilitating and encouraging their relationship and am starting to think my DM was right when she said I should just let it wither unless he took full responsibility for seeing them. I was horrified when she suggested that initially, but now I think if he can drop them so easily then it's better to let that happen now rather than later. :( His only comment on not seeing them, beyond instructing me he won't have them, was that it would be a shame for them to not see him... well, yes? So are you doing anything about that? No. Ok then... obviously it doesn't bother you then? Honestly, I despair - but have enough acceptance to recognise it's a waste of my energy to pursue it.

Even at 4yo my eldest has a good grasp of what's happening - he announced to me yesterday that if he died, I could just grow another baby and call it . So I think it's pretty obvious he feels replacable.

I'm sorry your DC are going to be missing out OP. Only you can judge whether it's worth pushing for them to see him, or just rally around and make sure you have a great time with them instead.

wakey - stop making excuses.

The father in this scenario needs to do some sodding parenting to all his DCs and his future DC.

6 weeks of no overnights is ridiculous and excludes the current DCs even more.

He needs to address the relationship between his DD and her SM, for a 9 yr old to feel disliked in her own home - which is what her Dad's place is - is unacceptable.

New wife may want some time on her own but the whole family needs to be considered - sorry fact of life and not everyone gets the perfect time. It is not as if the set up is new.

He is responsible for his childcare issues, lack of his dCs knowing people in his social circle is his problem - he needs to sort it. sad that his DCs are compartmentalised from his actual life.

It is not the Ex W responsibility to provide child care, overnights simply because his new wife is having a baby - his problem, he needs to sort it - 8 months of knowing -does not suddenly make it a crisis for the EX to bail them out.

Am sick to death, on here of hearing new Mums expect the EX to bail out the new families childcare issues.

Op you sound lovely, putting up with selfish twunt.

I think the "you knew he had children" type comments are perfectly valid in this context. I'm a SM who went on to have a baby. Dsd was completely no-negotiable. If she had been with us when I had dd then we would have made arrangements, and we couldn't wait until her next visit so that we could introduce her to her new sister. Dd's arrival meant we had become a family of 4.

It is indeed extremely damaging for existing children to be pushed out when the NRP gets into a new relationship, and especially when there are other children or new babies around.

But I don’t think you can accuse a new mum of expecting the ex to ‘bail her out’ if she just wants a few days of peace to bond with her new baby. I bet the ex wouldn’t have wanted a house full of someone else’s children just after she’d given birth.

I think a couple of days respite is a reasonable request – even if “you knew what you were getting into ……”

Im a sm and am expecting my first child in March, dsc live the other end of the country with their mum and spend school holidays with us.

I admit to being very relieved that I will have a few weeks to get used to being a mum before having dsc thrown into the mix BUT if I was due during or just before a school holiday I wouldnt expect dsc to stay away and would be furious if dp suggested cancelling contact (not that he would).

As far as im concerned dsc are family and as my babies siblings are very important so your ex is being a twat OP, although I do sympathise with the SM and understand why she maybe wants to limit contact for a couple of weeks (not 6) to daytimes rather than overnights.

It isn't a couple of days though, it's 6 weeks of a change in contact and bailing out of overnights. That's not on - especially not for the children who are already feeling pushed out, or for the OP who will have no choice but to pick up his slack. It speaks volumes about how seriously he takes being a parent.

"a house full of someone else’s children"

They're not "someone else's children," ffs, they're her husband's OWN children, who are half siblings to the new baby. How many people on here would have dreamed of shipping their existing children off somewhere (for a couple of days, let alone SIX WEEKS) when they had their next baby? Not on? Exactly, so why is it OK for their own father to do that?

choco I remember your threads about your arse of an ex and the way he behaved with the OW, seemingly now his wife. I guess it's no surprise that he's still being a twat where your dcs are concerned.
"even if I don't understand it 'thats just the way it has to be'." Well, I think I'd be firing off a curt email to him explaining that you understand it perfectly well, as long as he understands why his own children won't be viewing him as their dad for much longer if that's how he intends treating them.

But to the OP, they are someone else’s children! They are her husband’s children, but they’re not hers. I’ve never suggested that contact should be suspended by six weeks, but I don’t think the world would end if ‘overnighting’ didn’t take place for the first week or so. And/or if the OP could have just a couple of days without the step children.

Plenty of bio children are despatched to granny/auntie/sister etc for a day or two when new baby arrives, but no one seems to challenge that.

Not the OP, her ex's new partner. This is about a supposed blended family, except that this new partner doesn't appear to be interested in blending. It sounds to me as though she wants to airbrush these kids out of the picture completely, as though this new baby will be the first the bloke has ever had. She needs to realise that he feels, or rather should feel (if one can say that) the same about his existing kids as hers.

This is about a supposed blended family, except that this new partner doesn't appear to be interested in blending. It sounds to me as though she wants to airbrush these kids out of the picture completely, as though this new baby will be the first the bloke has ever had.

Which bits of the OPs posts give you that impression, clam? Is there a backstory or other thread that's relevant? As far as I can see based on this thread, the OP doesn't know whether this is driven by her ex or his DP....but I may have missed something!

I actually don't know who's driving it, but he only lost interest when he met her.

We had a situation earlier this year where they went on holiday for 3.5 weeks. Because of the dates, the kids didn't see him for 5 full weeks. He phoned. Once. It took weeks to re-settle them once access resumed. Across the summer holidays he did 3 extra days, although 2 weeks were agreed in mediation.

I can't talk to him because since this relationship, he hates doing anything that he sees as doing me a favour. And it seems that that includes dealing with the emotional fallout of the new baby.

I'm actually very angry that he gets to make these choices that have such a huge impact on the children and me, without any thought it seems. If he "has plans,' I pick up the slack. If he has more children, I have to earn more or budget more, as well as paying for more childcare I lose some child support. He has gone from no discipline at all to super-authoritarian, which doesn't work in 48 hours a fortnight, especially not for kids who have been raised (rightly or wrongly) to expect to have their voices heard.

This could have been a really happy time for the kids, babies are great, siblings are lovely to have, the more adults you have who are positive in your life the better. But because of how he feels about me (I assume, can't think of what else it could be) we have this atmosphere of non-communication and heart ache for the kids.

We'll be fine not seeing him. Sadly, they won't even miss him. I think I might have to get tough. In the past, I've changed our plans to facilitate last minute access, but I don't actually think that's a good idea any more.

Thanks for all your replies, BTW, lots of food for thought.

WakeyCakey

"But she feels that her SM does not like her, and does not want her around."

"Since the introduction of his new partner, XH has apparently lost some interest in the kids,"

" they feel pushed aside already, before the child has even arrived."

And of course, the fact that the OP has been told that "they" don't want overnight contact for 6 weeks after the birth of the baby. I'd lay money on the fact that that stems from his new partner.

Oh, and now the change in his parenting style to authoritarian. I'm guessing here now, but that could well be as a result of her input, "your kids are badly behaved - sort them out."

wakey using your own logic why should his children miss out on contact with their father because if the arrival of a new baby

I just don't understand your / his logic
If I had another baby, I certainly wouldn't send my boys to their dad's. If my partner suggested it I would honestly end the relationship - I wouldn't want my boys living with someone who considered them as some kind of inconvenience.

JustShake - I agree. DP looked after his DS on the weekend his ex gave birth, even though it wasn't scheduled. It just made sense. He took him to the hospital to visit his mum and stepdad and new sibling, and had him for an extra day until his mum was home. I think he then had him generally a bit more than scheduled around those early weeks, to give ex and her DH and new baby all a bit of settling down space.

I think a bit of give and take is the best solution and doesn't equal not taking responsibility for your existing child or 'pushing them out'. Extremes of 'NO change whatsoever must be made to the regular contact schedule else it's bad for the (step)child' or 'we need 6 weeks of interrupted settling down space without (step)children' are when it starts to get silly.