AIBU? Ds's mum seems to think I am!!!

[GetBackYaBastards]

Hi everyone, just wanted to gauge opinion on this matter....

DP has 2 DD's who we have every weekend and one week night (Wednesdays). Everything is fine, we all get on fine and I get on well with DD's mum.

Anyway, about January this year, DD's mum asked me if I would pick up DD's on a Wednesday from school as her work hours had changed and instead of finishing at 2, she would now be starting at 2 meaning she can't fetch DD's. It was meant to be a one off, but it became a regular occurrence and eventually lead to me getting them every week. (DP used to fetch them at 7 when he finished work,
Have a hour with them then they would go bed, he'd then take them
To school on the morning)

Anyway, I do not work Wednesdays so it wasn't a problem per se but I didn't really like it being a weekly thing as I felt I couldn't ever say no and couldn't make plans on that day. When the school holidays came around, i stopped collecting them and the original way resumed. DD's sister had them on Wednesdays when their mum was at work.

So fast forward to yesterday. I have been away on holiday for the first 2 weeks of September with my mum, so obviously missed the start of term. Got back at the weekend (dd's mum knows i was away) and receive a text message asking if I am ok to get the girls Wednesday. I wasn't 100% comfortable in replying so asked DP to speak to ex to say the situation no longer works for me and I don't mind fetching them in an emergency but I just don't want to commit to getting them every single week.

Ex completely over reacts when she is told this, asking what is wrong with her kids and why am I unwilling to spend time with them? FYI I spend all their contact time with them and look after then if DP goose out while they are here.

Dp says it's up to me what I want to do. I know in a way IABU but at the same time as much as I love them they aren't my children and it is not my responsibly. And during the holidays she managed to find childcare to cover Wednesdays so why is it a problem now? And it wasn't even discussed with me, just assumed that I'd be fine!

This probably makes no sense at all so thanks for reading if you have!!

Oh and for those interested, me and dp have been together 5 years, and the girls are 11 and 8

Anyway, about January this year, DD's mum asked me if I would pick up DD's on a Wednesday from school as her work hours had changed and instead of finishing at 2, she would now be starting at 2 meaning she can't fetch DD's. It was meant to be a one off, but it became a regular occurrence and eventually lead to me getting them every week

This is the bit of the OP I keep coming back to - the OP was asked by her DSC mum.
Regardless of whose "day" the posters on here consider it is, when the mum asked the OP, she clearly believed and accepted it as her responsibility to sort out. And even now, she (mum) is unhappy that the OP has gone back on their agreement - no mention of being unhappy with the shared care arrangement she has with her ex.

If I'm reading posts right, then general opinion on this thread is that it wasn't the mums responsibility to ask the OP because it wasn't her (mums) time with the DCs and that she (the mum) had in fact been a mug to put up with her ex taking advantage of her for so long.

Yes wakey, I think the mum here was being a mug - not because she was deliberately being taken advantage of, it's unlikely she would even realise it herself if you pointed it out. The fact is that the accepted norm is for rp to provide the childcare (this is usually mum, I've not experienced enough male rp to know how it works the other way round). The rp tends to fit around the nrp work patterns. This seems to be fairly well accepted in general despite it absolving the nrp of part of being a parent, i.e. fitting a family and other commitments together that the rp has to do every day. Sometimes this is fine, the rp only works school hours or uses afc/nursery which the nrp contributes to either directly or through maintenance. Others, like here., it doesn't. The rp is sorting out the childcare because it's "her job" or some such ingrained feeling when actually the nrp is responsible for the child that day. These things don't tend to be deliberate or malicious in any way (I certainly don't think it is here) but it is an attitude that needs challenging. Being the rp does not mean you are the responsible one and the nrp can dip in and out as suits them/their work/their life outside the dc a nrp is still a parent with all the challenges that brings.

The rp tends to fit around the nrp work patterns. This seems to be fairly well accepted in general despite it absolving the nrp of part of being a parent, i.e. fitting a family and other commitments together that the rp has to do every day.

But equally, the RP is entitled to request flexible working patterns as a parent (NRP are not), and receive tax credits towards childcare costs, if that is necessary. RP of DCs under five are absolved of the requirement to seek work, and all RP are entitled to means tested state financial support in acknowledgement of their parenting responsibilities. It is "well accepted in general despite it absolving the NRP" because society actively supports and encourages it!

I'm not for one moment suggesting that the RP should be responsible for all childcare costs for the child, but when a compromise is reached between parents that places disproportionate responsibility on the RP (such as delaying contact until the NRP finishes work) that merely reflects the disproportionate support and flexibility society provides for a RP.
When "the system" changes to provide equal support for NRP, then it's reasonable to expect them to take equal responsibility.

There is no reason why childcare costs minus tax credits cannot be split by both RP and NRP on a pro rata basis, thus if OPs DP has Wednesdays, he would be liable for 20% of the remaining childcare costs.

There is no 'disproportionate' support wakey, the whole thrust of govt policy is to get LPs into work. LPs are most likely of all parents to be in poverty, to access foodbanks, and they have the highest levels of mortality and morbidity of all parents. Google it.

To the OP, Wednesday=Wednesday, so I think your DP is responsible for childcare; otherwise he needs to arrange a contact pattern he can accommodate.

There is no 'disproportionate' support wakey, the whole thrust of govt policy is to get LPs into work

What a contradictory statement! If the thrust is to get LP into work, then it must be delivering something to LP that isn't available to NRP, surely ?

As for Wednesday = Wednesday, I'd love to know when "Wednesday" starts in your opinion - midnight? 8am? 15:46? What happens if the DC is ill and off school on a Wednesday? Which parent takes the day off work?
Your black-and-white approach to this is reminiscent of my exHs.