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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU? Ds's mum seems to think I am!!!

55 replies

GetBackYaBastards · 25/09/2014 21:18

Hi everyone, just wanted to gauge opinion on this matter....

DP has 2 DD's who we have every weekend and one week night (Wednesdays). Everything is fine, we all get on fine and I get on well with DD's mum.

Anyway, about January this year, DD's mum asked me if I would pick up DD's on a Wednesday from school as her work hours had changed and instead of finishing at 2, she would now be starting at 2 meaning she can't fetch DD's. It was meant to be a one off, but it became a regular occurrence and eventually lead to me getting them every week. (DP used to fetch them at 7 when he finished work,
Have a hour with them then they would go bed, he'd then take them
To school on the morning)

Anyway, I do not work Wednesdays so it wasn't a problem per se but I didn't really like it being a weekly thing as I felt I couldn't ever say no and couldn't make plans on that day. When the school holidays came around, i stopped collecting them and the original way resumed. DD's sister had them on Wednesdays when their mum was at work.

So fast forward to yesterday. I have been away on holiday for the first 2 weeks of September with my mum, so obviously missed the start of term. Got back at the weekend (dd's mum knows i was away) and receive a text message asking if I am ok to get the girls Wednesday. I wasn't 100% comfortable in replying so asked DP to speak to ex to say the situation no longer works for me and I don't mind fetching them in an emergency but I just don't want to commit to getting them every single week.

Ex completely over reacts when she is told this, asking what is wrong with her kids and why am I unwilling to spend time with them? FYI I spend all their contact time with them and look after then if DP goose out while they are here.

Dp says it's up to me what I want to do. I know in a way IABU but at the same time as much as I love them they aren't my children and it is not my responsibly. And during the holidays she managed to find childcare to cover Wednesdays so why is it a problem now? And it wasn't even discussed with me, just assumed that I'd be fine!

This probably makes no sense at all so thanks for reading if you have!!

Oh and for those interested, me and dp have been together 5 years, and the girls are 11 and 8

OP posts:
Original poster
GetBackYaBastards · 25/09/2014 21:19

Sorry for typos, I'm on my phone!

OP posts:
todayisnottheday · 25/09/2014 21:23

Well, I would say childcare is the responsibility of the parent whose "day" it is so it's down to your dp to sort out. Imo ex was accommodating his work hours whilst she could but now she can't and he should make arrangements.

Having said that, it's down to your dp. It's not your responsibility to provide childcare. If you are uncomfortable with any of it you are free to say no regardless of who the favour is for iyswim.

theendoftheendoftheend · 25/09/2014 21:28

I second what today says, if it's DP's contact day he should sort the child care arrangements. But that doesn't mean you have to do it if you don't want obviously.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 25/09/2014 21:30

If Wednesdays are your dp's contact days then I agree it's up to him to make arrangements or at least it's between him and his ex.

pictish · 25/09/2014 21:32

I think it's your dp's job as well.

honeysucklejasmine · 25/09/2014 21:33

Yup, DP needs to do something about it. His day, his responsibility.

Although it is a shame that after 5 years you don't feel able to have them for a few hours. Your house if their home too, even if they don't live there all the time. Its a price you pay tgeb you take on a dp with children.

Maybe speak to dp about enrolling them in some clubs on a Wednesday after school so you can spend time together but with less contact, as it were.

ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 21:33

YANBU however, (& I know you didn't agree to do it in the first place it just developed) I think if you didn't have any intention of carrying on this term you should have told her last term so that she had some time to organise another alternative.

I don't understand who it was that had them in the holidays, nor know if that person is able to collect them from school - so...?

Is there a compromise to be had here? Could they go to after school/CM and either you or DH pick them up from there?

She's working, it's not as though she's just pissing about at home not being arsed to go and get them and I'm guessing her DD's have a better std of living now she's working?

Original poster
GetBackYaBastards · 25/09/2014 21:35

Ye I completely understand that, and I 100% agree. The only thing is is that dp has been fetching them at 7 for the last 3 years and the only reason it changed was because she asked me for the favour due to her change in work hours so would you say it's still his responsibility even though she was the one who changed the hours?

I really can't decide if I'm being a nasty bitch or not
Confused

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 21:35

Honey that's a bit unfair. It's the OP's day off of work, she's entitled not to want to collect the children at 3 when the contact arrangement starts at 7.

It has nothing to do with it being the NRP's 'day', the arrangement was that they were picked up at 7.

ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 21:37

No, you aren't being a bitch.

It is your day off work, you did it as a favour and it's back fired on you.

She had no right to agree to the change in hours until she had discussed it with your dp to see if one of you could collect them from school.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 25/09/2014 21:38

You can't expect arrangements to remain set in stone forever. Things change and both parents have to compromise whether together or not. What if your own situation changes and one day you need the ex to make changes to contact to help you?

Original poster
GetBackYaBastards · 25/09/2014 21:39

In reply to chipping, DP did say to her when the holidays started that I probably wouldn't be having them every week but she just said she'd sort it nearer the time and it was never mentioned again until I
Got the text at the weekend!

I genuinely don't mind having them, I love them to death and they are no trouble. I have had them loads of times on none contact days/ if I've been off work and she has asked DP but he's working, I have never said no to that as I know it must be hard juggling work at kids, it's
Just this weekly arrangement has made me feel uncomfortable for some reason

OP posts:
Original poster
GetBackYaBastards · 25/09/2014 21:44

DD's mum sister had them in the holidays, it was never even mentioned be having them.

Sorry I'm missing replies, not used to having posting on here!

Just to clear things up, i do have them on my own quite often. They are more then welcome here anytime, it is their home. They spend 3 nights a week with us so it's pretty 50-50 contact. DP and his ex are flexible with each other so if she needs us to have them an extra night, or if we're going a wedding eg and can't have them night then that's fine. It's pretty amicable between us all and I genuinely
Get on well with her. I suppose I just feel like it's taking the piss abit, whether I'm
Right or wrong in feeling that, I'm not sure!

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 25/09/2014 21:50

Chipping, honestly we are say g the same thing (cm etc). Except i do also understand the mother feels a bit offended. Smile

OP that's great that you have a good arrangement and relationship. It is your right to say no, and up to your dp to figure it out.

It sounds like a pretty amicable arrangement regarding contact times. I guess this is the first time a boundary has been pushed. Was it close to the holidays when this new arrangement first started?

honeysucklejasmine · 25/09/2014 21:52

X-post. Does sound like you are very reasonable. Hope dp's ex can understand your point of view.

Original poster
GetBackYaBastards · 25/09/2014 21:58

It started earlier towards to beginning of the year so it was AGES ago. DP and his ex do fall out sometimes, but this is the first time it has involved me, normally I just keep out of it. I have a lot of empathy for her, I know it must be hard for her and like I said, out of the years that I've been looking after them on my own (about 3) this is probably the 2nd time I've ever said no to having them! I just feel guilty really easily

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 21:58

honey

This is the bit of your post I think is unfair

Although it is a shame that after 5 years you don't feel able to have them for a few hours. Your house if their home too, even if they don't live there all the time. Its a price you pay tgeb you take on a dp with children

GetBack Ah, well, she's being totally unreasonable then if your DP told her ages ago and she said she'd sort it near the time - what she really meant was 'Oh GB will do it when push comes to shove'.

However, you have (until now) all had a good working relationship so I hope you can all find a compromise you are happy with.

  • After school clubs
  • CM
  • DP finishing early on Weds making the time up another day
  • Her putting her hours back the other way again

Whatever, just try to keep it amicable for everyone's sake :)

honeysucklejasmine · 25/09/2014 22:03

Ok Chipping, you are entitled to feel that way Smile That's just my take on how the mum must feel. I don't want to get in an argument.

OP, i hope between the three of you, you come to an arrangement you are all comfortable with.

MaryWestmacott · 25/09/2014 22:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable, if you weren't around, your DP and his ex would have to make childcare plans as both are at work on a Wednesday afternoon so can't do school pick up, and as it's your DP's day, the cost of that childcare and making the arrangements would normally fall to him.

There are options your DP has, he could possibly put in a flexible request to finish work earlier on a Wednesday. He could pay for a childminder or an after school club, but then you need to think as his DP, how much you want to be a team when solving problems one of you have.

Your DP has been lucky for a long time his ex hasn't worked on Wednesdays, but she does, she shouldn't be fixing his problem for him, it's not his Ex job, but similarly, it's not yours.

Original poster
GetBackYaBastards · 25/09/2014 22:15

Ye that's exactly how I feel
Chipping, that because she knows I don't work Wednesdays it's like oh well, GetBack has nothing better to do!

And thanks honey, I hope we sort something too. It's nice that we get on (if anything we get on better then her and dp) and I'd hate for trouble to start after all these years of being fine but I'm not sure of a way around it. Will have to sit down with DP and see what we can work out!

Thanks for everyone's opinions Thanks

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 22:27

Thanks for everyone's opinions

That's one thing we're not short of on MN Grin

Good luck :)

MeMyselfAnd1 · 25/09/2014 22:34

I think it's up to the dad to pick them up at 2 and I will tell you why:

  • Contact days are for the children to build and develop a relationship with the non-resident parent. If the non resident parent is picking them up nearly at bedtime, just to spend half an hour with them or sending them late to bed in a school night, how is this evening contact in the best interest of the children?

He should deal with this, not you.

ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 22:43

Well, MMAI - everyone involved was happy with it when he was picking them up at 7, so of course it was in the best interest of the children.

Lots of NRP's work FULL TIME. They can't just swan out of work to pick kids up. Lots of them have 'after work' contact during the week, it's hardly unusual.

The RP had them until 7. If she wants to change the arrangement she needs to discuss it, not do it then land it on the others.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 25/09/2014 22:50

Yes, lots of parents, resident, non resident, still married or not, do work. But lots of resident and non resident parents make the effort to pick the children up at least a little bit earlier during contact days. It doesn't need to be at 2, but 7? Unless the children go to bed at 9, not much point is it?

needaholidaynow · 25/09/2014 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.