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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do you put pictures of your step children on Facebook?

35 replies

quirkycutekitch · 16/09/2014 17:53

And if you do how long were you with your DP before you did? Did you check with the ex if it was to do so? Just wondering what the consensus is!

OP posts:

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WaitingForMe · 16/09/2014 17:57

Yes.

A few months.

No, I asked DH. I didn't have contact with their mum until I started helping with childcare.

needaholidaynow · 16/09/2014 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VagueFace · 16/09/2014 18:16

I do too. Mostly of them with their siblings (my dc). I haven't asked DH's ex if she's ok with it as my children are in 99% of them and DH is fine with the pictures being up. If she had/has a problem with it then she can take it up with him.

purpleroses · 16/09/2014 18:53

I do, but probably the first time was when we all did a short holiday together by which time I'd been with DP about a year, and known the kids about 9m.

DP put his own photos of them on FB so i just followed suit really. Their mum doesn't do FB so would only know if she was looking over their shoulders or something. DSD1 was 13 by then so had her own FB page though I think it was a while later that she friended me allowing me to tag her in the photos. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask their mum's permission for that sort of thing, I'd ask DP if I was unsure.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 16/09/2014 18:58

I don't but I'm conscious of upsetting their mum and I think it would upset her even if she didn't admit it.

AlpacaMyBags · 16/09/2014 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMumsRush · 16/09/2014 19:33

I have had some in the past, holidays, birthdays ect... Never asked the ex as she also has pics of them on her FB.

Fenton · 16/09/2014 19:59

Not really into FB, but I would definitely have asked their Mum first.

impatienceisavirtue · 16/09/2014 20:48

Yes, a few months in, and no I didn't ask her - she says often enough that DH has no rights etc already, I CBA with more bullshit.

NumTumDeDum · 16/09/2014 20:55

My exdh's partner does. It bothers me slightly but in all honesty I can't see that I have any real reason to object. As long as she doesn't post any of her in the bath I just accept that DD has two sets of family photos, mine and her dads and she looks totally different in each! It's little things like clothing combos I wouldn't have put together and her hair totally different. It's odd seeing her like that.

Original poster

quirkycutekitch · 16/09/2014 21:01

Your answers have made me think about the situation & I think if ExP new GF posted 'look at us we're DS' other family' photos I would be upset - but if it was more natural - they'd been out for the day with her DC & it's just photos of the kids together on the day I would be ok with it! Guess it's all about context!!!

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 16/09/2014 21:19

yes I post pocsnof dsc and no I didn't ask the exw, checked with dp and he was happy with it

plus exw and dp post pics of them so clearly have no issues with ot

riverboat1 · 16/09/2014 21:54

I didn't at first because DP asked me not to: we both have FB accounts but he is very wary of putting too much personal information online and didn't want pictures of DSS on there. So if I was posting pics of a day out, I would leave out any of DSS.

Then more recently his ex joined FB, and now she puts quite a few pictures of DSS and her other child on there. I don't think DP feels strongly enough about it to raise it with her.

So although we haven't discussed it I probably wouldn't purposefully omit pictures of DSS from FB uploads any more, but I have been using FB less and less recently so it hasn't been an issue.

TheMumsRush · 16/09/2014 23:00

I'd like to add if my dsc mum objected then I wouldn't. I know if she felt strongly about it she would have bought it up by now.

robotroy · 17/09/2014 10:04

I do put them on, his ex is blocked from my account and his account as frankly its a bit weird and upsetting otherwise for everyone.

I think it's reasonable to follow a lead from mum. If they have photos on open facebook go for it. If they don't, it seems inappropriate. Either way I would set everything to 'friends only' with photos of kids and I think that's a fair argument.

Maroonie · 17/09/2014 10:26

I have some on FB, my profile is friends only and all the rest of the family do it so i never formally asked although if nobody else did I think id ask or just not do it. Not big on posting pics tho so never given it much thought.

purpleroses · 17/09/2014 15:49

I'm kind of surprised how many people on this thread have said they'd ask the mum, or take their lead from her.

Don't your OH's have FB? Surely they're parents too, so isn't it more natural to ask the parent that you're in a relationship with what you should do, or take your cue from what they do themsevles rather than asking their Ex?

I'm genuinely interested - do people feel that it's more the mum's role to set these kinds of boundaries, so much that they need to get her approval, rather than their partner's?

SeaSaltMill · 17/09/2014 16:07

Yeah I do, I just asked DH, He's their dad after all! I don't need to get a second opinion from their mum.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/09/2014 16:28

I don't think it's about letting the mum take the lead. It's more acknowledging that the DS have two parents and it's nice to ask both equally.

NumTumDeDum · 17/09/2014 17:03

I think those that ask have a reasonably good working relationship with the ex and are interested in maintaining that. Those that have said they don't ask, have hinted that the relationship is more problematic and it seems likely that raising it raises issues which are unresolved including who makes the decisions. In an ideal world both parents exercise their PR equally and take the others view into account. Where that doesn't happen you are unlikely to ask someone who is already hostile and laying down 'the rules'as if their opinion was the only one that counts.

ButternutBosc · 17/09/2014 17:57

From another perspective, my daughter's father is just awful, abusive, refuses to pay maintenance, only bothers with DD when he's trying to impress, you get the picture, we've not got a good relationship and only really communicate through solicitors as he's abusive and very difficult otherwise.

He has a new partner, she has her own children too and although it has only been a few months, this is probably the most serious relationship he's had in the past few years so he has started seeing DD much more and he now takes her up to his new partners to stay during his contact weekend. If his girlfriend started posting pictures of my daughter on facebook I would be fine with it as it would show that she got on with the new gf and was accepted into her fathers new family rather than having someone who didn't want her around or pretended she didn't exist. I wouldn't expect either of them to check with me first before posting pictures too.

Even if your DP has a difficult relationship with his ex, she may still be ok with pictures being posted.

annielouisa · 17/09/2014 20:07

My FB which is family only and a couple of select friends is filled with pics of my DSC and DGSC and my DD1 and DD2. They no longer have a relationship with DH EX and she had never met the DGSC except the eldest by accident when she was 3 and she is in her teens now

TheMumsRush · 18/09/2014 14:44

Purple, my DH has a profile but no pics, only a profile pic. He hardly uses it tbh.

wifeandstepmum · 18/09/2014 17:34

I asked at first my DH he has parental responsibility. Photos go on both of our Facebook avcounts which are friends only. I think it would be odd to post family photos without DSD in them, she's a part of our family as much as she is her mothers. We have no direct reasonable contact with her mother.

TenMinutesLate · 21/09/2014 21:04

I do, although I asked my DH first. He doesn't use FB, but his Ex does....without ANY security settings so I know she isn't adverse to putting pictures online. I wouldn't use my DSD photo in a profile or header picture though, and I've let her see my account and see the comments family and friends have made on her photos and days out we've had. I have no contact with DSD Mother and have blocked her. I do everything I can to keep my online life private....had a bad experience online which made me tighten up all my settings x

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