fussy eater and pandering DH, rant!

[19lottie82]

this is just a rant really, not even directed at my DSD, but at my DH!

spent the whole day yesterday making a shepherds pie from scratch. my DSD (10) is a notoriously fussy eater (will decide she doesn't like things without trying them etc). when we sat down to eat it I told her what was in it, potatoes, lamp and carrots, all of which she will eat.

there was turnip in, it but this wasn't visible amongst the other ingredients, so I "neglected" to tell her. she starts eating it, and her sister says how nice it is and she agrees.

then my DH makes a comment about it having turnip in it (facepalm!), and DSD stops eating it and starts stirring it round her plate, we try to encourage her to eat a bit more, she says ok I will, but doesn't. after a few more attempts on our behalf she finally says I don't want anymore, and that she's full.

at this point, despite previously enjoying it while being blissfully unaware it contains something she has never tried before, DSD has now decided that, because she now knows it contains turnip in it, she now doesn't like it.

a bit frustrating, but fair play, it's not my place to say anything and I would never force a child to eat anything that they didn't want to.

so half an hour later DSD comes up and tells her dad she's hungry, can she haves some crisps, "of course you can" he says. I bite my lounge.

A short time later she states she's still hungry, and can she have a kit kat. I say "sweetheart you should have finished your dinner then you wouldn't be wanting crisps and chocolate". My DH shoots me a dirty look, then tells DSD, "come on, I'll take you to the kitchen and you can have anything you like". DSD then goes quiet and says she's changed her mind doesn't want anything. DH then shoots me another dirty look!

Fast forward 3 hours when the kids are in bed and I say I'm going to make a bit of toast before we go do bed, does DH want any? DH says "no i'm ok thanks. Maybe if you finished your dinner you wouldn't be wanting toast."
WTF????????? (I did finish my meal, but that's so not the point!)

Thankfully I had the sense just to bite my tounge as I didn't want to have a fight before bed, but I was / am sooooooo mad!

OK, rant over. Sorry that was so long!

My DDs grandparents used to do this - see, you like swede/cabbage/butternut after all, don't you when she'd eaten a mouthful or two. Cue whining and indigestion (for me) as I spent the rest of the meal persuading her to eat another mouthful. And yes, they'd pander to her "I'm hungry" cries later on, too.

Used to drive me bonkers.

I told her what was in it, potatoes lamp and carrots, all of which she will eat

Perhaps it was the lamp she didn't like?

I'd be telling him he can do the cooking when the kids are there, and them do some serious detaching

When I make dinner I make it clear that's all there is. I also don't baby them to eat (not at 8 & 13) as it get the attention they want. They are pretty good now and meal times are not stressful

your dh is a prize dick! my dp used to do this but after a few monumental rows and me refusing point blank to cook when the kids were here.

they now get two choices, eat or don't eat but there is nothing else until the next meal. it took about 6 weeks of temper tantrums and whinging that they were starving before it sunk in but the key is absolute consistent behaviour and both you and dh siding with each other

wheresthelight...... yes I know, but tbh I don't really want to get involved with "disciplining" the kids. I know this isn't really the right term, maybe I should say, questioning his parenting? I never have before and I don't really feel it's my place. I just don't appreciate the dirty looks and the snide comment that I experienced last night.

I also feel a little bid bad for DSD, as you can see she gets anxious when she has something put in front of her to eat that she (thinks) she doesn't like. You can see her starting to get a bit adjitated. As I said I would never ever force her (or expect my DH to) to eat anything she didn't want to but I think it's ridiculous of him to jump up and offer to make her anything she wants after she has turned her nose up at a perfectly good dinner, half the time without even trying it.

Another example is she says she hates cheese (fair enough), but if she has friends over for a sleep over and I let them get a take away as a treat, I will ask what they want and if everyone else asks for a Dominos, she will be like "yay dominos" and eat it no problem.........

Lottie, I second the suggestion from MumsRush that you let your DH choose the food/cook when you have DSCs.

The selective dislikes thing is pretty standard for many children I think. DSD 'hates cheese' but covers pasta in Parmesan, scoffs cheesy pizza etc. She 'doesn't like' bread but demolishes rolls, baps, pittas and wraps plus any bread (esp garlic) that is served with a meal (to the point where I have to remind her that the bread is for everyone at the table...).

Hi guys...
. Thanks for all the responses. Basically my DH and I do pretty much share the cooking. 50/50. He always caters to the LOs tastes, and I do too to some extent I guess but I refuse to do it all the time (tho nothing too adventurous, im not that mean!). It really just gets on my wick how he panders her, if it were up to me it would be take it or leave it, but I dont think its my place to question his parenting skills. For example I bought half and half bread which she eats when she's with me by myself no problem, but she told him she didnt like it so he made a special trip to tesco to buy a white loaf! I just despair.....

I had the same thing this weekend with DSS, I made enchiladas which he had told me he likes and which he has eaten before. My own DS isn't that keen but I knew he'd give them a go. DS cleaned his plate, DSS ate about 3 mouthfuls then said he didn't like them and wouldn't eat any more. Half an hour later he's whinging for a snack. Grrrr, especially after I'd made the effort to make something I thought he liked, DP didn't give in and he had to wait till tea time but it's just so frustrating when I've made the effort, feels like he's throwing it back in my face. Which I know he's not really, he's just being 5...

My dss refuses potatoes after eating them for 2 years! he has 2 choices eat it and get dessert or dont and get nothing til supper. dp quite often caves and gives him dessert but i wont. I stick by my word.

I have 'on occassion' made him an alternative it pasta instead of potatoes. But thats it. The dont get a seperate meL unless dp cooks it.

Its almost as soul destroying as cooking from scratch and tomato sauce getting poured on!!!

I honestly think my dsd4 has a phobia about food. I know her mum has had problems too. She's 11 now and mealtimes are reasonably stress free. We still get the point blank refusal to try new things though. She will go through phases of eating the same thing over and over. She is currently eating nothing but toast and crisps during the day. I predict she will get sick of both in a few months and will refuse to eat either. She's done this with countless cereal brands, tuna sandwiches, chocolate spread.... She will refuse anything else for months then one day announce she no longer likes it and literally cry if it's put in front of her. Very strange behaviour.

Your partner is sending a very bad message though and it's more about teaching her lack of respect for you than about the food isn't it?

How very annoying .... I agree that it almost beggars belief how a parent would tell a fussy child exactly what was hidden in a dish when they'd only had a mouthful or two. Especially when what's usually hidden is some sort of veg which would be good for them if they ate it all - anyone with a shred of sense knows even if they've so far eaten the meal quite happily, many kids would still reject it once they know it contains a dreaded ingredient. And it's extra stupid (and arguably irresponsible) if, having sabotaged the opportunity to have had them eat a healthy balanced meal, said parent then panders a relatively short while later with crisps and chocolate.

Okay ... you could argue, his kid, his problem .... if he's happy for them to eat rubbish (or mainly rubbish, there's nothing wrong with treats in moderation, but if they're not being countered with more nutritious stuff I think that's wrong) it's nothing to do with you. However, as the person in my household who goes to a lot of effort planning, shopping for, and actually cooking a meal, I'd feel pretty peed off if my efforts were, in effect, tossed to one side because someone didn't want to eat it - and not because they genuinely didn't like the taste, or were genuinely full, or maybe feeling ill - but because a stupid great lummock had given a fussy kid ammunition to reject it.

And forgetting his questionable parenting approach for a moment - what is very much your business, and your right to comment upon, is his crappy attitude towards you! How bloody dare he be giving you daggers because, as an adult, in your own home, you had the "temerity" to make a perfectly reasonable remark over the chocolate. And worse, to make some childish sarcastic remark when you wanted to make yourself toast - which was factually wrong anyway, but even if you had - shock horror - left a bit of your meal, as an adult, had you done so it would have no doubt been for a very good reason .... like you'd felt full up .... and not because what had been a tasty meal suddenly became "horrid" when you discovered a secret ingredient in it. It feels to me like he spoke to you as if you were a naughty kid and he had no right to do that whatsoever.

I think sometimes often we get it in the neck when we tell it like it is - which effectively highlights what a crap parent they're being. My DP can be a bit like this - he's loathe to ever admit that he's pandering for example, because if he parented properly he would - in his eyes - run the risk of "upsetting" the stepkids which in turn could affect contact (they've been brought up being told that their dad has no right to tell them off or do anything other than exactly what they want). Therefore it's all too often about keeping them "on side" - and that of course means kids getting their own way. That means if I do draw attention to something which IMO was irresponsible he "panics" (at the thought of what might happen if he dealt with it responsibly) and can verbally lash out in order to detract from the real issue at hand. I don't tend to bite my tongue though as I won't have hypocrisy or have him snap my head off because his kids and/or his ex don't know how to behave ...... and I think that when you get a quiet moment you'd do well to tell him that you won't have him speak to you like a naughty little child.

On another note, when did pudding become the norm after every meal? Is it just me? We don't have it during the week let alone after all meals. "What's for pudding?" And that's before lunch/dnner is even dished up

only on a saturday is pudding an option an our house Xx

Always, I agree with you. No wonder there is a childhood obesity problem.

I've just had one of those weekends when DSD aged 6 wouldn't eat the food I carefully prepared (stuff she has liked before...). Each and every meal we had a temper tantrum that something was wrong. Food she now doesn't like, served in a way she doesn't like it. Every meal was one of her favorites. And with each meal I got but its not how mummy makes it and also the what's for pudding line too (each meal it was asked as soon as the main course was put down in front of her). It pushed me to my limits. so sorry that so many of the rest of you have to take this, but its making me feel slightly better that its not just my relationship with DSD that has these issues.

I now hate the word pudding ??

Me too!! Apparently yoghurt isn't pudding either so there goes that staple. Sigh.

We very rarely have pudding unless out for a meal and dsc's have finally learnt not to ask for it. however when we do it is not given unless I get clear plates as both kids will refuse to eat the meal in favour of pudding/sweets all afternoon.

Dss was really pissed off this week when we had angel delight which he loves amd I happily served it all up to dp, dsd, dd and I amd not him as he had refused to eat his dinner

update............ told my DH I was pretty P'd off with how he handled the situation, mainly the dirty look / comment, rather than DSD not eating her meal then him giving her crisps.

He told me I was out of line because I had obviously upset her with my comment.

I give up........

I do let my DS2 have a snack later on the odd occasion that he hasn't eaten much of his dinner (he is going through a bit of a stubborn, fussy phase). I think that's okay. But it is only ever a very boring snack, like crackers and cheese, or an apple and some buttered toast. Definitely not crisps and chocolate, that's not a meal replacement.

Oh FFS ..... talk about precious golden child syndrome. I can tell you that variations of the comment you made - "sweetheart you should have finished your dinner then you wouldn't be wanting crisps and chocolate" - are used on a semi-regular basis in my family, and no doubt in countless other households up and down the country. And as is the default reaction of most kids you might get a momentary moan in a last ditch attempt at getting their own way but upset - gawd, give me a break .... if that's what your DP believes to be "upsetting" then I dread to think how he'll feel when his daughter really has something genuinely upsetting to contend with.

FWIW I still maintain your DP was totally out of order with the nasty looks and spiteful disrespectful remarks towards you. As with anything if he disagreed with your stance he should have spoken about it with you like a mature adult, and explained why he felt you were being "unfair" so both of you could agree a way forward when similar situations arose again. But there's the rub .... he doesn't want to do that, because he knows deep down you weren't being unreasonable, and that it was his fault his daughter ended up rejecting a meal she's been enjoying up until he put his stupid foot in it. Invariably, when you read about non-res dads behaving like this I think it's often a case of them a) not wanting to lose face (because HE compounded the situation) and b) not wanting to "upset" child because they fear a loss of contact if child isn't allowed to do/get/say what they want.

He's being pathetic however to take it out on you and offering her "anything she wants" totally undermines you and sends the child the message that although you're an adult which should normally mean that you're respected, actually, she doesn't have to take much notice of you at all. He really is a very stupid and very selfish man. In isolation stuff like this may seem rather trivial - a lot of fuss over a shepherd's pie - but it's about so much more than that. Thing is, he's almost certainly storing up a lot more trouble for the future if this child is allowed to have her own way, regardless of how deserved/appropriate/healthy her "way" might be - once she gets to the teen years, does he really want her rolling home drunk for example because daddy dearest won't put his foot down for fear of "upsetting" her ?

Does your DP generally undermine you OP ?

Does your DP generally undermine you OP ?

Generally no, in fact I would say I usually win when we occasionally lock horns, but when it comes to the kids I don't get involved and leave him to it, 95% of the time, unless he asks for my opinion.

PS just to confirm, he isn't the NRP. We / He has had the girls the majority of the time since he split up with their DM, her contact has increased gradually, up until 2 years ago and it has been 50/50 ever since.