fussy eater and pandering DH, rant!

[19lottie82]

this is just a rant really, not even directed at my DSD, but at my DH!

spent the whole day yesterday making a shepherds pie from scratch. my DSD (10) is a notoriously fussy eater (will decide she doesn't like things without trying them etc). when we sat down to eat it I told her what was in it, potatoes, lamp and carrots, all of which she will eat.

there was turnip in, it but this wasn't visible amongst the other ingredients, so I "neglected" to tell her. she starts eating it, and her sister says how nice it is and she agrees.

then my DH makes a comment about it having turnip in it (facepalm!), and DSD stops eating it and starts stirring it round her plate, we try to encourage her to eat a bit more, she says ok I will, but doesn't. after a few more attempts on our behalf she finally says I don't want anymore, and that she's full.

at this point, despite previously enjoying it while being blissfully unaware it contains something she has never tried before, DSD has now decided that, because she now knows it contains turnip in it, she now doesn't like it.

a bit frustrating, but fair play, it's not my place to say anything and I would never force a child to eat anything that they didn't want to.

so half an hour later DSD comes up and tells her dad she's hungry, can she haves some crisps, "of course you can" he says. I bite my lounge.

A short time later she states she's still hungry, and can she have a kit kat. I say "sweetheart you should have finished your dinner then you wouldn't be wanting crisps and chocolate". My DH shoots me a dirty look, then tells DSD, "come on, I'll take you to the kitchen and you can have anything you like". DSD then goes quiet and says she's changed her mind doesn't want anything. DH then shoots me another dirty look!

Fast forward 3 hours when the kids are in bed and I say I'm going to make a bit of toast before we go do bed, does DH want any? DH says "no i'm ok thanks. Maybe if you finished your dinner you wouldn't be wanting toast."
WTF????????? (I did finish my meal, but that's so not the point!)

Thankfully I had the sense just to bite my tounge as I didn't want to have a fight before bed, but I was / am sooooooo mad!

OK, rant over. Sorry that was so long!

I really do sympathise with you lottie, you are very well-adjusted and quite rightly detach to be able to put up with the "upset" comment.

I sometimes think "more is less" in terms of listing the ingredients, because it immediately gives kids something to latch onto. All of a sudden, after happily eating something for ages, if the ingredient is actually given a name, suddenly it's urgh, yuk, or in the case of my DSS it's something he's allergic to or "doesnt like how the texture feels in my mouth". OK fair enough but I even offered freshly grown runner beans for dinner last night, picked about 30 mins before so they almost melted in the mouth and it was "I don't like the bean bit inside". Give me strength! At that point, I counted to about 50 - but it has been one of those weekends. And a whoooooole n'other thread!

I have found the extra long summer holiday due to exams finishing, completely messes up the routine and its going to take a month before he's a human being again (lives in hope!).

I do think your DH needs to start thinking about the knock-on effect of him pandering to their every whim. But I am sure you know that already

Sorry Lottie, I made the assumption he was an NRP - I guess because it's less common to find a 50:50 setup ...

... in which case I'm at a loss why he does the pandering thing, which is so often driven by men whose contact arrangements are tenuous.

Maybe he does have a very different idea of "good" parenting to you but - and apologies if I'm speaking out of turn because it's certainly not my intent to cause any offence - I do personally feel that when you're caring for children for such a significant period of time, that leaving most of the child-related decision making to him probably won't work and is just going to breed resentment, as has been demonstrated by this latest business. I think - cautiously - that if contact is relatively sporadic, say, every other weekend, it's a lot easier to bite your tongue and leave them to it. But your home is also their home every much as bit as their mother's house is and therefore I'm not sure it's actually physically and emotionally possible to live alongside children for all that time a) without their presence impacting on you and b) without you going mad if you're not allowed a "voice".

He may well pull his weight with cooking and that's great. For all I know he may also pull his weight in other areas too (hope so) but there's no getting away from the fact that having kids around 50% of the time is going to create extra work one way or another - and therefore I do think you have a "right" to have some input because all of this affects you too. I don't think it's about "criticising" his parenting per se but about the pair of you mutually agreeing what stance to take regarding house rules and discipline - and then being consistent about it, so neither one of you gets undermined in front of the kids.

So .... I don't think you should, in theory, feel that it's "not your place" to discuss these sorts of issues with him because this is your life we're talking about and it's not at all fair - whether it's a parenting issue or any other issue - for him to make unilateral decisions which have an impact upon you. I do get the impression though that perhaps he also thinks "it's not your place" to have any input into the parenting stuff and that's what you're going to have to work on IMO. The way I look at it - in a nutshell (after rather a long post) is that it's all very well being an overindulgent and arguably irresponsible parent if you're single and no-one else gets caught in the crossfire (leaving aside the effect on the child of course) but when you decide to blend your life with someone else's you have to take them into consideration as well and think about how your actions affect them.

And of course the last thing you (individually) need is to be made out to be the "bad cop" in these sorts of matters. It might be shepherds pie today but could be something a lot more serious in years to come. It's not fair of him to undermine you and convey the idea that your say-so is less important than his. I wonder ..... if he thinks you shouldn't "interfere" in his parenting - even though you live with them and are impacted by it - whether you could persuade him to attend counselling ? A third party might be able to help him see this simply isn't fair - and nor are the snarky remarks when you challenge him, or try to (mildly) discipline his daughter.