Second Wives Club

[Morwenna]

I am at strangling point. He (happily) pays the full mortgage, he (happily) pays the CSA payments and he's STILL NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HIS CHILDREN. Women who prevent perfectly great fathers from seeing their children are WICKED. WICKED! (I know money and children are not deemed as mutually inclusive in British Law but it doesn't WORK for the honest fathers!) Does she not see her folly?!

Oh and get this - we need to relocate to a different area of the country for DH's work so that he can continue to pay mortgage and maint. etc. To do so we are going through the court process to try and force contact and parental responsibility which is costing thousands. If these aren't granted we won't be leaving the area - she will lose her house and her money.....due to the fact he will lose his job. My daughter and I? Out on the streets? It's possible. Second wives and second children (how DARE we?!) are second class citizen's doncha know?

We have just begun to live off our credit cards, and are starting the long slide into debt and I'm now Officially Worried.

Meanwhile our dd 2 months sleeps soundly on, oblivious (thankfully!) to these wranglings...give me strength to protect her from the ugliness of this life for as long as I can.

I am going to go and scream into a pillow before I go and key her mercedes. Yea. You read that right....

musters some dignity If I wasn't breastfeeding I could at least have a large vodka and make a toast to all the other Seconds Wives with malicious X's. I think I'll go sniff the bottle!

Thanks SassiLils.

Same goes for me if you want a chat - just let me know.

Best of luck with the baby. Speak soon.

I'm so sorry for you both. Seems I am not the only one here who feels like I am
being "punished" for daring to exist! Yet the BM, despite being the worst example of the female species (in that she puts herself before the needs of her children) must not be upset At All Costs, as she might do something he might really regret!

I do not want to live in this woman's thrall forever, and I intend to get myself and my daughter into a position where she has the minimum of impact on us. I have to get there for my sanity, and before it creates a rift between DH and I (and oh I can see it could happen).

JBW, these issues absolutely concern you, I am shocked your OH thinks it could be any other way. Sounds to me like you are expected to be totally self-sacrificing with absolutely no support at all. You may not be her mother but you are in a parental role in your home and the female head of the household. Sounds like you get no respect at all...it would help if your OH respected you first, as if not what hope is there for his daughter? I wish you luck, your situation really sounds difficult, but please don't listen to anyone who tells you that you are stupid for being in a situation beyond your control!!!! I would be hopping mad if someone said that to me.

Sassi too, such a difficult place to be. I felt that my dd would miss out while I was pregnant also. Now she is here I feel like a ferocious lioness and will not LET her miss out because of BM's antics. I am going to do whatever it takes to protect our home and make it a happy place for all of us, whoever that may be.

I guess it's not forever. "This too shall pass."

Good luck ladies, thinking of you.

Weeks away from that double vodka - I love breastfeeding but I hate being such a good girl

I first joined mumsnet after really struggling with my dh's ex since then I have realised there are people in a much worse situation than I am.

We still have a lot of trouble from bm depending on her mood, if she has a boyfriend and other problems in her life. This results in threats, abuse and general hassle.

I spent a long time feeling very threatened by this woman and hating that my life revolves around her at times. This was destructive to my relationship but at the time couldn't find a way around it. I can't tell you what I did but I know feel much better and accept that if we want to spend hassle fre time with dss we have to at times do what she wants. I trust my dh and now really accept that he wants to be with me and not with her. When I told him he put her first he got so angry because he just didn't see it like that.

I do feel at times he is in a much more difficult position than I am and he's trying to keep both of us happy for different reasons!

I am 3 months pregnant which she doesn't know we also got married this year which again she doesn't know. Obviuosly the pregnancy will be harder to hide in time as dss visits weekly and it is frustrating but I understand the reasoning.

Initially he would leave the room when speaking to her but only because I gave him a lot of hassle while he was talking and made it very difficult, when we disucssed it I agreed to stay quiet and he agreed to stay nearby. We are 40 miles away and do all the travelling.

I have read that relate guide to second families which I found really helpful.

Catch me on another day and I will probably be ranting and saying its all so unfair but at the moment things aren't too bad!!

Ooops, couldn't possibly join this thread as I am the third wife!!!!!!

Somanybabyseagulls, me too!!!!

Maybe we should start a third wives club?

Excellent idea squirrel. How many children do you have? I got 2 steps from his first marriage (don't live with us), 3 from his second marriage (they live with us full time) and my two from my first marriage, so we have seven between us!!

And I thought I had a handful with six!!

Dp has two from his first, two from his second, I have two children and two grandchildren (so I suppose you could say we have eight between us)

First BM is nice, we get on well and I have been accepted into her family (dp and I are going over to her brothers for dinner this evening) .

Second BM is a nightmare, tries to make life as difficult for me as possible and (of course) it 'rubs off' on the childrens attitude towards me. She always wants more money than we can afford so that she can continue going abroad three times a year and have new designer clothes every week. We can't afford to go abroad once a year and I can't remember the last time I bought designer clothes (probably before I met dp). Her dp likes to 'stir things up too' (she threw dp out to move him in btw), they both slag me off alot of the time, so it feels like a constant battle with them, let alone coping with the difficulties of being a step-parent.

But having said that its a lively home, loads of children (steps, my own children and grandchildren) coming and going.

Though I am looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet sometime in the future.

Guess I'm lucky in a strange way, first wife disappeared so to speak, second wife died drink driving on a Saturday am! Now, she was a nightmare when dh left her so lord knows what she would have done when she found out about me, but anyway, her parents have taken up the reins on that front!!!

Like you say, it's great to have a house full but even better when there's a bit of quiet. Dh and I are off next weekend on our own and I sooooooo can't wait.

This is my first visit to mumsnet, and I'm amazed to find so many other people in my situation. It's not heartening really - more shocking to realise that there are so many other mothers out there who play horrible games with their exes, using their kids as pawns.
After three years of trying to cope with the XP telling horrible lies about DH, constantly demanding money and withdrawing contact suddenly and for long periods of time, I finally persuaded DH to go to court. We have now had four "Conciliatory Hearings" - one of which she didn't turn up for. Each time, DH doesn't get a word in edgeways, and then they tell him that, basically, that because they're nice and middle class they should just go to counselling and sort it out without wasting the court's time! Time and again, they refuse to step in. Meanwhile, when we do get to see my lovely 7yo ss, he breaks down and says that "mummy lies and twists my words to stop me from seeing you". It's hearbreaking, and so awful to feel so powerless.

I know this is an old thread, but it came up in a search and I saw the British Second Wives club mentioned. That is defunct now but there is another one called Second wives and stepmums (if you google that the link comes up). I think members from the old one moved across there. It's funny though how not so many stepmums or second wives seem to use forums any more - where do they all go? Facebook?

So sorry OP. I haven’t RTFT but my blood is boiling at what I have read. How is that right? I’m infuriated for you.
This is having tangible repercussions for you and your DC. It’s totally shit!
I agree with you and think that second families do tend to get the shittier end of the stick!