Second Wives Club

[Morwenna]

I am at strangling point. He (happily) pays the full mortgage, he (happily) pays the CSA payments and he's STILL NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HIS CHILDREN. Women who prevent perfectly great fathers from seeing their children are WICKED. WICKED! (I know money and children are not deemed as mutually inclusive in British Law but it doesn't WORK for the honest fathers!) Does she not see her folly?!

Oh and get this - we need to relocate to a different area of the country for DH's work so that he can continue to pay mortgage and maint. etc. To do so we are going through the court process to try and force contact and parental responsibility which is costing thousands. If these aren't granted we won't be leaving the area - she will lose her house and her money.....due to the fact he will lose his job. My daughter and I? Out on the streets? It's possible. Second wives and second children (how DARE we?!) are second class citizen's doncha know?

We have just begun to live off our credit cards, and are starting the long slide into debt and I'm now Officially Worried.

Meanwhile our dd 2 months sleeps soundly on, oblivious (thankfully!) to these wranglings...give me strength to protect her from the ugliness of this life for as long as I can.

I am going to go and scream into a pillow before I go and key her mercedes. Yea. You read that right....

musters some dignity If I wasn't breastfeeding I could at least have a large vodka and make a toast to all the other Seconds Wives with malicious X's. I think I'll go sniff the bottle!

Why does he not have parental responsibility?

sorry to hear things are crap. hope she sees sense soon.

cx

They weren't actually married but were cohabiting for a number of years. He doesn't have PR for ss as he was born before 1 December 2003. She refused to put his name on birth certificate for sd. So he has no PR for her either. Which is why we are now going through the court process - for something he
is entitled to and should be given automatically. Just think of all your hard-earned taxes going on the legal aid which she's using to try and (wrongfully) keep a loving, supportive parent from his children.

Don't you have to pay legal aid back?

I don't think so. You have to be eligible, depending on your level of income. They don't take account of outgoings though. In our situation, after deductions, he loses a further 20% maint, and paying their £800 mortgage (which is fine, we can manage it) but by the time we have paid our rent/food/car/bills there is nothing left. Nothing. Going to court is going to cripple us. Yes, worth it. Fair? No. Absolutely not. To make matters worse the car broke down yesterday - DH got a taxi in to work this morning. I daren't even think about Christmas. We live near the sea so I'm getting everyone a pebble!

It's isn't right and it isn't fair Morwenna and I know exactly how frustrated you feel. My dh went through all this. It's outrageous that some women think it's acceptable to prevent fathers from seeing their children when there is no good reason to. Can you imagine what it must feel like? Heartbreaking. As we can see on the thread of the poor, poor lady whose xp didn't return their son. It's the same thing.

When we realised how much a solicitor was going to cost dh decided to represent himself, so if your dh feels that's something he could do then it's definitely worth thinking about. DH found that the Courts were sympathetic to the fact that he was representing himself and didn't know all the Court etiquette and he felt he was able to say more than when he had a solicitor. Dh ended up with contact every 3rd weekend plus some in school holidays.

My dh's ex-wife refuses to work full time because the children need her. Sounds OK, doesn't it? Mmmm, but the children are 22, 21 and 18 - and all live away from home!! WTF? So I have to go to work when my kids are 5 & 3 to help support us and leave my small kids in child care, so she can swan off on 2 skiing holidays a year and a month in south africa.

Just writing it down actually makes my blood boil.

Tillyrose. Are the children at Uni or something?

Yes, 2 are at uni, the other one is working. The kids are OK, it's their mother who is a mad woman. Even the kids refuse to live at home. She never got over the marriage breaking up and still thinks they are going to get back togther! . It has been 8 years so I don't think that's going to happen.

The ex wife still writes him letters with 'private & confidential' on them, texts him in the middle of the night and generally makes a nuisance of herself. She is meant to pay for the kids parental contribution for uni out of the money my dh pays her but doesn't so they ask us for money.

I could write a book on her but need to chill.......

Can't he reduce what he pays her by the amount the children get or is it fixed by the Court? Does he stop paying when they've finished Uni?

Yes, it is fixed and he does stop paying when they are all through uni. Light at the end of the tunnel. He is not the sort who likes confrontation so it carries on. When it is finished I will throw a big party!!

Yes, I know what you mean. Sometimes it isn't worth the aggravation is it. Like you say, there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sure the children really appreciate what you and their dad have done.

Morwenna, Tillyrose and Surfermum ..... I too am a "second" and I sympathise 150% with what you're going through. I am going through very similar problems and far from getting on with her life, my partner's (of 5 years) ex-wife seems to become increasingly bitter as time goes on.

My DP hasn't seen 1 of his children for 9 months. The so-called "mother" encorages this and does nothing to facilitate contact whatsoever. He is heartbroken - she is gloating. Yet of course, her deliberate obstruction (we have loads of written evidence of her lack of caring and refusal to help remedy the situation) makes no difference to her holding out her hand for money for the "absent" child every month.

The children are perpetually told lies about their dad .... this emotional abuse is reflected in their behaviour in so many ways, yet her desire to score points against her ex is far more important than the children's well being.

I could go on .... and on ... and on .... with a 101 stories about obstruction, lies, using children as weapons, wasting money we absolutely cannot afford through her spite, children being sent with no clothes, her moving 140 miles away from where children were born but never sharing an inch of the driving, her insulting me on a regular basis .... but I don't have the time.

What I don't get is why it has to be like this at all ? I met DP 2+ years after they split ... but it would seem he is not supposed to move on, even though she has had umpteen boyfriends since.

I am a "first" too and I know damn well that I have played fair by my son. I never badmouth his dad to him, never obstruct contact (in fact I encourage it) and consequently, our son is well adjusted and happy which is all that should matter - no matter what I think of his dad.

What has been my absolute lifeline as a second wife is a site called "The British Second Wives Club". I've been a member for over a year and it's my sanctuary. There are 100s of members, all with similar stories who support and advise each other. No-one judges you, no-one disbelieves you, you are not "branded" (as you often are in public) as a "home-wrecker" and nor does anyone expect you to have to put up and shut up with totally damaging anti-social behaviour just because your ex was once married to someone who turned out to be a spiteful bitter bitch.

There are several forums covering the spectrum of problems 2nd wives & partners often face if they are unlucky enough to have a mad ex-wife. It really has helped me to unload hugely, because, often our husbands and partners feel their loyalties torn between doing what's right for their 1st children (but this is open to such terrible abuse and emotional blackmail by an ex-wife if she is the greedy sort) and their new family.

I'd really recommend anyone in our situation to have a look:

British Second Wives Club

Click "join" at the top of the page on this link which will tell you more about the club.

I'm made to feel second best. If ex-partner (DH was not married to mother of his daughter but they were together for about 10 years) wants him to do something he jumps up and does it straight away. DH ex-partner was very very mean when my DS was born a couple of years ago. Ex-partner and my DH had a daughter who is now 11. Said daughter is very rude to me in that she will not speak when she comes round and ignores me when I ask her something. Driving me mad. Sometimes feel like walking away with DS. Is it really worth it? I don't know, spend a lot of time in tears.

just to say there are SOME nice BM out there & I do feel for all of you - sounds horrible & v stressful

would like to point my ex in your directions so that he realises how reasonable I am

he CHOSE to move 3 hr drive away from us to live with his mistress & is at this moment on his 2nd foreign holiday of the year - not taken or asked to take his kids away at all
Every time I say something he doesnt like, he threatens to cut my money

all this and HE walked away from us

good luck to you all - just hope that I get a break & dont end up as a 2nd wife to a pysco wife like you lot

Hi Mistress Miggins.

Do hope things work out for you and your kids. .

Thanks for the responses gals. The overwhelming emotion seems to be frustration and distress at the unfairness, and I guess we all have to hope we don't end up bitter and twisted. Bad for the wrinkles.

Surfermum - you always sounds so strong and positive, I aspire to this!
Catsmother - thanks for the link, going there right away, looks v. interesting. I empathise so much with what you've said - (esp heartbroken vs gloating and the obstruction.)

A word about my DH: kind, thoughtful, gentle. Desperate to do the right thing by all three of his children, as it should be. She wants him to abandon them and she is NOT going to win. That would be wrong for them.

JBW, I really feel for you. Of course if you ended up leaving that would be terribly sad - does your DH know how you feel and that his daughter is behaving like that in your home? I would talk to him asap, or at least write down how you feel (helps me sometimes) before you become too polarised from each other. You need to be united because this is a difficult path we walk. Please don't feel like you have to sit there and accept what is happening with you because it just isn't right.

Have tried to speak to DH about his DD behaviour - he tells me she is sensitive and I should not tell her to do things as she is not my daughter. I feel so sad.

I really feel for you Morwenna. It's rotten what you are having to put up with. Have a good sniff of that bottle - might help!!!!

Best of luck

JBW- you words could have come from my own mouth. I feel exactly the same. I am pregnant as the moment with my 2nd child but first with my current partner. His ex-wife also demands on him constantly, they have a son together who both live in Scotland, we live in the midlands. My Partner frequently spend £200 poundfs on a round journey collecting his son because she won't assist in any arrangements. she won't even drop him or pick him up from the airport, although she lives less than 10 mins away, it costs my partner another £10 each time in taxi fares. My partner is excellent with my daughter and we couldn't ask for a better step father for her, (her real father my ex husband) refuses to see her as a punishment to me for leaving him (for unreasonable behaviour, I might add) 7 years ago.

Because of all the expense we cannot move and I feel that my new baby will miss out on alot. I'm not sure if that irrantional of me or not?? I just feel second best and at the moment i wonder if I would be better off going it alone again. It's almost as if she is still his partner and he pleases her more than me. I understand that she is so volitile that she will withdraw access if he even so much as answers her back, but what about me and the baby? He hasn't told her or his son about the baby as he is afraid of her reaction. We have been together two years and he still hasn't told her my real name!! If she call
s when we are on holiday (as she does every time) he takes the call elsewhere so I can't hear and then lies to her about where he is!

I'm sorry for such a long post but it is the first time I have had the chance to speak to anyome who is in a similar situation. ...phew..and breathe

SassiLils - thank goodness someone who knows how I feel. I know exactly what you mean about the arrangements for dropping off SD with her mother. MOther refuses to assist and my DH ends up driving an extra 50 miles to drop his DD off. We live quite a way away and it is just ridiculous situation. Why do we put up with it? I really do not know how much longer I can put up with this. SUpposed to be going on holiday soon with SD but I really, really do not want to go. Cannot talk to DH as he just ends up yelling at me.

I feel worn out all the time and so so sad.

Would point out that DH is an excellent father to our DS.

JBW- i think that is what makes it so sad. My DP is an excellent dad and that is what first attracted me to him, knowing he was so devoted and flew backwards and forwards to see his son, when my ex won't have anycontact at all and only lives 80miles away. Things have got worse since she realised he had moved on, although she left him and had even took men back to the house whilst he was working away. neighbours have confirmed this. we have just had his son for the weekend, which is very stressful as he has learnt behaviour from her, which we can't really change due to the frequency of contact we have now. I feel like just dissolving every time the subject comes up. I'm so hurt that he won't tel her about the baby and my name etc, also that he makes all his calls in private so that I have no idea what is being said and he also might miss my next scan as he is travelling to scotland and back to collect again as she insists she can't afford childcare for the school break!

Chin up JBW i'm sure we'll get there. Does your partner feel like you are the paranoid jealous 2nd wife?? I don't think they understand how frustrating is is when you are left feeling like 2nd best.

He tells me i'm stupid for getting so upset about things and that they do not concern me.

i feel like he will not do things for me (little things like drop me off at my mums to save her driving over to see me - i do not drive) but will jump everytime ex-partner says to.

Sorry sounds though I am having a right old moan. I used to be such a happy, content person but feel like I'm turning into a moaner.

Thanks for your comments.

Hope things work out ok for you too SassiLils.

Oh I feel and empathise with you all! I'm a first wife but second partner and stepmum to my dh's dd.

We are lucky in that we have shared care arrangements in place but still have battles on our hands. His ex despises the fact that his dd spends her time with us, also she is very lazy so we do all the health care drs etc, pay for all school trips uniform etc basically do the majority of the care.

We stopped paying her cash 2 years ago as the arrangements are shared and we paid for everything, you wouldn't believe how satisfying that was! WE have child benefit so by rights could set the csa on her but are not that mean.

Now she has decided to withhold access to 2 of her other kids who have a different father and the poor guy is having to fight. Ironically when they were married he did all the childcare, cooking cleaning school runs the lot. She is lying so much through the court process and getting away with it. Sd is upset because she wants ex stepdad to be able to see her siblings. She is being vicious and malicious yet still holds her hand out for cash! The poor guy was paying well over the odds towards them but has now reduced it to minimum payments allowed.

These woman absolutely infuriate me, can't they see the damage they are causing to the kids? My exp has very frequent contact we get on well and can spend time together in front of the kids, it was tricky at first but you have to try!

rant over!

JBW- don't apologise you aren't maoning, just saying it how it is. i don't think it helps when you are made to feel that you are stressing about nothing. When I ask my partner when he will tell his ex about the baby, soshe might get the hint that he has moved on etc and has other commitments, he replies that it is none of her business. But then why does he lie about my name and our holidays etc.
Holiday Mum- It sounds like you have the balance right and almost have the upper hand. I hope that things work out like that for me too. I think that I am getting stressd about it more at the moment because of pregnancy hormones and feeling insecure etc.
Good luck to everyone and JBW i'm always here to chat to if you want to. It's nice to have someone who identifies with me. My friends and family are sympathetic but feel that they see me as an emotional moaner etc

Still resulted in a lengthy court battle this year as she was being negligent and obstructive and sd wanted to be with us! It was all over in September and went how we wanted it to, just rejigging finances but managed ok, Solicitor was great and let us pay the court fees by installment. First thing I'd say is double check with the csa online calculator that he isn't paying more than he should be you get an allowance for other dependants too.