feeling disappointed.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

We took my dps 2 kids away for a few days which had it's challenges.

When we arrived we had bumped into my sister and stood chatting for about 20 minutes. (I never really sees her and although id see her at the caravan we still had a gab)

However dsd has since told her mum about this and her mum agreed that it was out of order to keep the kids waiting so long.

I didn't realise that I was to bow down to princess dsd and their demands.

I feel really disappointed in dsd.

How old are they?
Standing and chatting for ages (20 mins is ages to young kids) and ignoring the kids, really isn't nice. I wouldn't do it to my kids unless they were happily occupied. Even now as teens, I wouldn't expect them to stand around waiting for me while I gassed away with someone. It really depends what they were supposed to do while they waited for you.

I don't see how this makes them demanding princesses. It sounds like you don't like them very much.

How ridiculous.. I remember lots of times waiting around for my mum to stop talking. It wasn't fun but it also wasn't 'not nice'.. It's just life and what happens sometimes. Honestly.. To have every move scrutinised is enough to drive you crazy.
I don't blame you for being a bit pissed off about being 'told on'...

They were taken on a nice holiday had to wait a whole 20 mins while you were talking..?

Sounds pretty petty to me. When dsd is here we often go to MILs and she's not necessarily involved in the conversation directly she must be bored but then I don't think we are responsible for entertaining her every second she is here. I except her mum has conversations with people she's not involved in too..?

If it's such a problem where was her dad surely it's his contact time..?

I agree that 20 minutes of adults chatting probably seems like an eternity for children, and it's not fun and I'm not surprised on one level that they would moan about it. But I agree with bluebell that it's inevitable that children have to put up with this in life sometimes....and I do think it's ridiculous if the mum is going so far as to get involved and telling you off for it! I suppose though that DSD knew if she told her mum then her mum would agree with her and maybe even tell you not to do it again...how old is DSD, out of interest?

I remember feeling really disappointed in DSS when for ONE afternoon of our camping holiday (the holiday having been chosen entirely based on what would be fun for DSS, even though it wasn't DP and I's kind of thing) we went and met up with some of my family who were in the area. To be fair, DSS doesn't speak the same language as my family and there were no other kids there so I understand it was boring from that aspect, but on the other hand they went out of their way to try to make it fun for him.

But he behaved so badly (for him) that afternoon, said some rude things about the food and the activities (that luckily my family didn't understand as they didn't speak his language) and just generally whined and traipsed his feet through the whole thing. I think it was because he was bored and just over-tired and excited from holiday mode and late nights. But it was SO hard for me to make all these allowances for him and keep quiet, I just kept thinking about how much I had given up (in terms of living anywhere near my family, in terms of the very holiday I was on) in the interests of DSS and how he can't even be nice for one afternoon of doing something that's important to me.

But of course these things have to be kept unsaid...he was 7 at the time and had no concept of what the afternoon meant to me or why I would be disappointed that he couldn't be nice. I think DP was taken aback by it all as DSS never usually behaves that way, and in hindsight he should have taken more control of the situation, but he was hoping he'd snap out of it.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from. But maybe DSD wouldn't have made such a big deal of it if she didn't know her mum would probably back her up on it.

I love the kids. I do. But I took them away on a nice holiday and 20 minutes isn't that long. There was a whole list of things that happened and we got told on for.

We were trying to have a good holiday. Dp tries to keep everyone happy. Its a shame.

They way the kids act recently it's like we need to do what they want or mum gets told and its an arguement over nothing.

When you say you are told on, is this just the kids talking to their mum about stuff that has happened? If the kids were waiting around for 20 minutes getting board, I'm not surprised they mentioned it. Kids are like that. Its probably not helpful if mum then complains about everything she disapproves of but I don't think you can blame the kids for talking to the mum.

It's stuff that goes on in together families all the time. Kids will tell. The things teachers must hear!!

But mum will sometimes rejoice in repeating it rather than remembering that we all do stuff our kids complain about.

No disrespect to your DSC but they sound a little spoilt, I don't think it's unreasonable that they had to wait around for 20 mins whilst you speak to your sister, I'm sure this kind of thing used to happen to me as a child all the time but I don't I would have dared complain about it, and if I had gone back and told my mum I really can't imagine she would have batted an eye lid. This is what is wrong with the youth of today, they expect the world to revolve around them.

Has she told her mum about all the nice things they have did on holiday too? Or just moaned?

According to DH's ex my DSC are always complaining that we never do anything with them. Which really pisses me off cos we do stuff virtually every time they are here. That really disappoints and upsets me, that we put effort in to doing nice things and then they go home and complain to their mum.

I didn't think it was unreasonable.it probably wasn't even 20 minutes. I had to do loads of stuff like that when out with my parents.

I just feel that me and my dps dd got on so well and I thought we had a good relationship. They basically told their mum all the bad stuff and maybe some good. But it just hurts that she thinks we do stuff intentionally. Then she acts like a spoiled we brat. My dp held off from telling me about this particular incident as he knew it would upset me.

He was right. It did upset me. I'm not a bad person and always try to do right by the kids. It's hard when they are not your own. I hate when his kids act spoiled. They are not spoilled by us though.

Their mother doesn't know me refuses to me meet me or talk to me. And I know she she talks craps about me and dp how he puts me before them etc and it's just not true.

It just all hurts so much and I feel bad for my dp as he is piggy in the middle.

All this carry on makes me not want to talk to the kids unless I have too because I'm scared it goes ba k to their mum and twisted to make me/us look bad and likeI say causes arguements for no reason.

I just don't know whato do. Its maybe just a phase so hope it all passes. But right now I just feel crap.

I feel really sorry for OP. It's thankless at the best of times but it really hurts when the kids stab you in the back.

I've had a few instances with dsd where she's done something really spiteful when I've done nothing but help her and even stand up for her. It does make you feel like not being involved but the problem is their loyalties are always to their mother and they must feel very torn.

As soon as dsd gets home I know she gets the third degree about what money we have spent/ what we've done etc. she comes to us and makes a big deal about hating her mums OH and will try and tell tales and I'm sure does the same the other way round. The difference is the adults don't discuss what's been said.

Maybe your OH would be better not telling you? I hope he said to her that they did xyz on holiday and emphasised the nice times too. We have been told some very concerning things but we choose not to pass them back it's tough as it sounds like ex is being very unfair..

I know exactly where you're coming from, I feel the same, I feel like I can't ever fully relax whilst DSC are with us as I know everything gets reported back to their mum.
I feel like I can't discipline them because they'll run and tell thei mum, if me and DH have a little bicker that probably gets back to her too. Even every detail of our very private wedding was reported back to her.
I care less about it now than I used to but it does piss me off, especially the details of the wedding. Mainly because it was really intimate because we only wanted to share it with the ppl we love the most - not his bloody ex wife!

I completely understand how you feel.

Try and take a step back for a minute, how likely is that the dc are complaining to their Mum because their Mum wants to hear that they had a horrid time and they feel guilty because they did have a good holiday and want to appease her?

This sort of thing can go on subconciously without any of them being aware that is what they are acting out btw. Their Mum needs to learn to wind her neck in and save her complaints for the big things that really matter.

Try and be thick skinned and understand they are trying to keep their Mum happy because they feel conflicted and trying to keep all sides happy.

Oh and we're going camping tomorrow (yes I know it's chucking it down!)
I can almost guarantee that DSC go home and moan to their mum that a) they only went away for 3 nights, not a week as they had thought (their mum had told them we were going for a week)
B) their was no disco or anything at the campsite. They've never been camping before, just to pontins and haven and I suspect they will be thinking its like pontins in a tent.

If they moan all week and complain to their mum they can stay at home next time! Kinda joking, kinda not lol

Might be better than leave them behind in future they may refuse to come again....!!!

I'm inclined to agree with Random Mess about this sort of thing - we've had a lot of similar tale-telling (about stuff which is normal but - shock horror - boring) in our family too and all evidence points to my stepkids as not being "allowed" to have a good time at dad's, therefore they are more inclined to emphasise the less enjoyable aspects of any contact. And we then get criticised and accused of all sorts by the ex over the most trivial and irrelevant things which any normal adult would quickly dismiss if their kids brought it up, and certainly wouldn't seize upon to "use" as some sort of weapon.

However - knowing, or at least making a pretty good guess at, the psychology behind this sort of thing doesn't make it any less infuriating because despite being adults, we aren't, at the end of the day, robots without any feelings and it does hurt when you've spent a great deal of time, effort and money to do something special, only to feel it's not been appreciated. You do try to tell yourself that the kids aren't necessarily being malicious and are being unduly influenced - but it gets harder to do this the older the kids get as you'd hope that as they mature, they'd perhaps be a little more truthful. And even if you accept it's not really the kids' fault, the fact of the matter remains - that you can, metaphorically, be hauled over the coals for something ridiculous and it does (or at least can) make you very wary around the stepkids if you know there's a significant chance your every move will be fed back to someone who's chomping at the bit to criticise and complain.

It's very difficult. And as with so much else, I think the impact of this sort of thing does depend very much as well on how your partner deals with it. Someone who politely tells the ex it's none of their business and/or not to be so silly, and who then doesn't pass the complaint on so you remain in ignorant bliss is obviously preferable to a partner who enters into a dialogue with the ex, as if talking to someone for 20 mins is something which should be justified, and who then tells you as well so you get stressed out!

I quite like the broken record technique. Perhaps you dp needs to consistantly remind his ex "my time, my rules".

So difficult when co-parenting isn't happening

Perhaps you dp needs to consistantly remind his ex "my time, my rules"

Oh how I long for DH to stand up to exW [sigh]

The problem here isn't the kids, it's their mum who uses whatever they say for her silly point scoring.

Anyone who wants to call the kids names because of the behaviour of their mother is pretty pathetic imho.

And yet another partner refusing to work on a decent relationship with his ex (standing up to her) with the result that everyone suffers.

not calling the Kids names because of their mother. Demanding princess is how the kid acts.

And my dp has tried having a decent relationship with the ex- she refuses this and consistently acts like a bitch.

Then the problem is with the exW, and not the kids.

If someone called me a demanding princess, I'd find that pretty offensive.

But the OP hasn't called her DSD a demanding princess to her face, any more than the Mums on AIBU, or other boards, actually call their DCs spoilt brats, irritating, exhausting or any of the other uncomplimentary terms that parents use to describe their DCs here on MN every day.

The OP feels, quite justifiably, aggrieved that having provided her DSC with a holiday, a treat, an enhancement to their life, their reaction is to complain to their mum that she made them wait for a few minutes while she chatted.

Yes, there are explainations for their behaviour - a desire to keep their mum happy, guilt for having a good time without mum, but that doesn't mean the OP isn't human and doesn't feel the same frustrations and hurt they all parents feel when their children are rude, selfish or ungrateful.

Exactly wakey.

And fyi I would never ever say such things to anyone especially not dsd.

I am really hurt that she felt she had to do that. I know it's just playing g the parents off each other. .

Do has said he is angry but at his ex for encouraging her, when any normal person would have said not to be silly and sometimes you have to do things you don't like.

I'm more concerned that after a long list of recent events I'm finding it difficult to talk to dsd and worry about the long term effect it will have on me and dp. It can't be easy for him either.

I really hope it's just a phase and will pass.

I think in that vein Wakey it's also perfectly normal for kids to have a bit of a moan to their mum (presumably the closest relationship they have), without expecting their comments to get back to their step mum. If they'd really have wanted step mum to know those things then presumably they could have said it to her face.

The exW is in the wrong for passing the comments on and using them to cause problems for the op's partner.