Some resources if you are wondering about parentification and spousification

[brdgrl]

This is a long post, but I do think it may be useful for some posters; if you think it may be relevant to you, do have a look.

With some regularity, there are posts on this board from stepparents (usually stepmums, but then the board is mainly used by women) who are concerned about what they feel might be an unhealthy relationship between their DSC (usually their stepdaughter) and the DSC’s father. These posts are invariably met with hostility from people who see it as an attack on the DSC. In at least some of these cases, it may be that the poster is observing one of the processess known as spousification or parentification. Having some admittedly non-professional experience with the situation, I am creating this thread to both present a corrective to some ignorance being bandied about on the board, and to offer some resources to posters who may find them relevant.
It appears that people are very uncomfortable with the therapeutic concepts of parentification, spousification, and parent-child boundary dissolution. I suppose they are tough ideas to grasp for some, and so they have decided that these concepts are the creation of bloggers, evil stepmothers, and quacks.

It is very unfortunate, since understanding the concepts, and making a careful judgement, assisted by a professional, about their application to a family’s situation, can make a world of difference for the child involved. It is also wrong to suggest that these concepts somehow “blame” the child; in fact, if nothing else, they surely present an alternative interpretation, based on the idea that the child is NOT to blame, but the family dynamic. This is a very positive idea, as with help and effort, that dynamic can be altered.

The terms used by professionals are parentification and spousification (I've never heard mini-wife except on here myself, and I don't think it is a useful term; there are also clearly a lot of fools confusing it with the actual therapeutic concepts). I am not a professional myself and do not claim to have a practioner's knowledge, but that of someone who has experienced it and read about it. When it was suggested to us that FST might be a good approach, and that DSD had been 'spousified', that was the first I really knew about it. I don’t claim to be an expert, and that is why I am mainly just going to provide resources so that people can do their own research, as I have done. I will add that my DH and I found support in dealing with the issue from Relate and also from a private counsellor, and that was very useful.

Parentification is a widely recognized therapeutic concept, describing a very real dynamic that affects bereaved or fractured families. Those who have identified it and built therapeutic models around it are not quacks or bloggers or people with a degree they bought off the internet. They are highly respected professionals

If I may be permitted to summarize the concept, and with apologies to the professionals - the main issue is that the healthy boundaries of parent/child are lost. The child is treated as a peer and partner, rather than as a child. This often means that the daughter (or son because that happens too) takes over the role of the mother in terms of companionship and decision-making. Many times she also takes over adult responsibilities, such as domestic duties and childcare. Obviously there are many teenage girls who do housework and look after siblings, but this is more than that. It is about the role within the larger family structure and the emotional demands upon the child. Sometimes this happens, for instance, when the mother dies and the daughter tries to fill the gap left behind, especially where the father is not able to adequately maintain boundaries or meet the kids' emotional needs himself because of his grief. It also can happen in divorce or even within intact families.

In other cases, the DSD does not take on the adult household responsibilities, but does take on the role of social partner, and is given inappropriate decision-making powers or included in age-inappropriate activities.

These children suffer from the dynamic, even though it is superficially very satisfying to them. They generally lack good peer relationships, and may suffer from excessive perfectionism; they often feel a great deal of stress and may blame themselves for things that are outside of their control. There may be a strong affect on their ability to have healthy adult relationships. It can be very damaging not just to the child, but to other children in the home, and of course to the adult relationships as well.

Oh ok, I don't understand your point then!

But I tend to agree with your next point - your parents separating isn't something a child has any control over, so I think it would be a natural sub-conscious reaction to want to take some sort of control over your world. I think that's why it's so important to consider what a child may be feeling, and then deal with that.

Maybe, but I think that a tendency to overstep interpersonal boundaries for your own advantage is temperamental/genetic - some DC will grab any opportunity for more power/control and deal with the ensuing conflict whereas others are much more sensitive to the liberties of others and prefer keeping the peace. They are born that way.

But the child who is 'more sensitive to the liberties of others and prefers keeping the peace' may still adopt a parentified role. I'd say I did exactly that!

As something of an aside, I also think is why my siblings can't handle the fact that I need help now ... I was the solver of problems created by the parents' acting out; in their psyches, that is my significance. They feel emotionally abandoned by me, as I'm now 'impotent'.
The ramifications are far-reaching, so I reckon it's well worth dealing with childhood maladaptations and allowing children to be children.

... furthermore: if the sensitive, peace-keeping child observes that her father's missing the intimacy of his adult relationship, isn't she likely to step in and offer solace?

Bonsoir yes of course.

Soem kids will push things more than others. Some will be more effected by the divorce than others (my niece quickly got over her father leaving, my nephew is still bereft three year's later).

But spousification is extremely serious. Not very common (thankfully). And not something to be bandied about as a critisism of a child.

It's a bit like saying 'oh my step son has PTSD, what a horrible brat he is'.

No, I don't think so. Overstepping interpersonal boundaries is not characteristic of sensitive peace keepers.

Bonsoir do you think children do this intentionally?

Tbh, from what I've read here it's something an adult does to a child.

I wouldn't stay married to a child abuser...

No, I don't think children do it intentionally. I don't think adults do either! Much of family dynamics is beneath the radar.

Bonsoir, I feel that your recent posts convey an expectation that children have the emotional range & experience of an adult.

Not at all. I'm not expecting DC to control themselves - it is the responsibility of the adults in authority to set the framework and boundaries of the family. However, I do think it is important not to place 100% responsibility for children's behaviour on the adults around them. DC have temperaments (inbuilt characteristics) that can be difficult to manage for even the most competent and aware adults!

One of my sisters has a dysfunctional marriage. She confided in her eldest son from when he was a toddler; she also colluded with her husband in scapegoating this same son. She co-slept with him until he was about 15, when he stopped it. Needless to say, he's an emotionally confused young man (and is excessively angry that his mother transferred her intimacy to his younger brother.)

Do you really think a young child should have been able to set appropriate boundaries with his mother? Regardless of his personality, which happens to be very nice and parentified helpful.

No of course not and I have not suggested anywhere that he should.

However some DC would not have had the temperament to collude and comply with the mother's behaviour in those circumstances.

i think both my own posts and the literature are quite clear on the point thAt this is about a process and a dynamic. Discussing the errors of parenting and the deletorious circumstances which lead to real problems within the family unit...and those problems do of course include problem behaviours by the children...as the literature describes...does not constitute "blame." While i feel i am rather repeating points that ought to be clear through an open minded reading of the resources, the therapeutic approach is aimed at the family as a system.

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sorry! in car (as passenger!)
there is a lot of sense in saying 'my nephew's ptsd has created unique problems that are affecting his happiness and our ability to function as a family. we need to address that in a systemic way and that is going to mean looking at the causes of his ptsd but also at strategies that every member of our family can use to move forward."

The literature explains that levels of parentification occur across a range. That includes parenting which constitutes neglect or even abuse.

Another reason a parent or step who is concerned about it ought not to be 'talked out' of their concerns with misinformation or told they are evil or jealous for noticing the problem.

I think, as a step parent, it is quite common to be in a situation where a step child's behaviour has become very difficult (or even intolerable) and to have almost no power or control to keep the situation in check, let alone solve it.
It's all very well being to "to be adult" and eternally understanding but we all have other stressors and it can be fantastically difficult to cohabit with a child or teen who is deeply disrespectful of the greater good.

Hence some stepparents (ill advisedly) calling their SDCs names on MN. Which in the wider scheme of things is probably an intelligent coping mechanism for letting off steam...

Theword - spousification can be carried out by either parent - if a SM spots it why is it automatically dads fault - my SCs were emotionally abused by their mother - we attempted on numerous occasions to get professional help for SD. SS protected himself with virtually no contact although sadly this was to late to stop him abusing others.

Although we did manage to get counselling for SD she told me herself she lied to the counsellor as she didnt want the counsellor to think badly of her mother. When professional help is reliant on the abused child speakingly openly about a parent abuser it can be extremely hard to access.

brdgrl of course one can identify PTSD in a child and note that it causes unpleasant behaviours.

Spousification is different in this context as essentially the adult causes it, or at least doesn't make an effort to prevent it. Ergo, the adult is the abuser in an abusive relationship.

That is very different from dealing with a child who has been damaged by outside factors.

What seems to happen on MN is not only do some posters identify spousification in their step children, they criticise the child for it, all the while barely batting an eyelid that it is their partner who is causing it.

whyonearth indeed it can happen with either parent.

But in the context of MN, it is rare to find a step parent worrying about spousifcation between the step child and the ex wife, for example.

More common is a step mother identifying spousification between the step children and her partner ie the Dad. It is also usually identified as being the problem of the child, something unpleasant that needs to be dealt with. Whereas spousifcation can almost never take place unilaterally. It is something that happens in an abusive relationship. Therefore the first port of call for concern for a step mother should be her partner who is in an unhealthy relationship with his child.

Part of the reason its rare though is posters get vilified for any negative comments relating to an ex wife. I personally got hounded across the boards when I tried to discuss issues and it was only when my ss was prosecuted that that stopped.

Very few people in my expereince want to believe in exes who mistreat their children unless the ex is a man.

Why - you are absolutely right: exWs who are abusive or neglectful are outside many people's realm of experience or imagination...

I mentioned earlier that this kind of relationship is limiting a childs chances of making healthy relationships later on, but you see it all the time, the mollycoddled son, the overly dutiful daughter, never reaching their full potential because Mummy didn't want to push them out of the nest. Its almost a cultural norm in some families.

I think if adults can see this behaviour outside the context of step parenting they might get somewhere. Perhaps this is the root of the problem, that adults make it all about them instead of abiut the child. Address the behaviour directly, don't use is as a weapon to beat the other parent with.

Yes, it's more commonly noted in bio parent relationships - probably because they're the majority. I don't know any stats, but would imagine there's a higher incidence in families that have lost one parent - simply because the reconfiguration of a family unit is traumatic & stressful. It's easy to imagine a recently single parent leaning heavily on their children's love, falling into relationship habits that invite a child to interact more like a partner and co-parent than an inexperienced dependent. I dumped one of my oldest friends after she described her 7yo (in front of him) as the man of the house, who looks after her & makes sure everything's OK.

Obviously, as the incoming parter, a stepmother's likely to observe maladaptive qualities in her partner's relationships with his children. Few adults would deliberately set up such dysfunctional interactions, but many could easily fall into them without noticing. It leaves the SM feeling uncomfortable. If she feels threatened as well, that's understandable although not helpful. Naming & identifying the problem should help her to address it without undermining either child or partner - but not if she, too, treats the child like an adult.

If she labels the child an interloper and rival, she's doing exactly that. Effectively, the SM has totally bought into the maladaptive roles, taking on the triangular position of competitor. Thinking about it, that's crazy! Responding to a child as if she's a love rival, and/or a third co-parent, may 'feel' right but makes no reasonable sense whatever. The child is a child.