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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New wives are threatened by old wives

35 replies

WanderingAway · 01/08/2014 10:57

Hi i would just like to know how true this is.

My exh left me for the OW and since then it has aways been about her. Whenever I try and talk to my ex about contact she will either put a photo of them on facebook or a comment declaring their love for each other. Since the day my ex left I have had no desire to get back with him. We have been divorced for about 5 yrs. Everything that she does hinders my childs relationship with their dad. It isn't a coincidence because it happens every time.

OP posts:

loudarts · 01/08/2014 11:01

It's not always true, I am not remotely threatened by dh exw. I think if she is threatened by you then their relationship isn't as good as she is trying to make out.

needaholidaynow · 01/08/2014 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rosepetalsoup · 01/08/2014 11:44

Maybe a little at the start -- but it quickly fades when you realise the reality of the situation.

Tip: Don't be FB mates with her, or him.

Elizabeth120914 · 01/08/2014 11:51

Not at all Dsds mother makes me totally cringe and the in laws can't stand her.. It was a very brief fling which broke down before dsd was even born. She's now 11 but it's exes OH who won't let her speak to my OH which is hysterical it's texts only! If I'm not vaguely worried I've no idea why he is as they have 2 kids together and have been on and off for years!!

nomoretether · 01/08/2014 11:59

Nope. DH can't stand exW, she's not a threat to our marriage.

Why are you checking up on her Facebook?

NatashaBee · 01/08/2014 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PajamaQueen · 01/08/2014 12:11

It depends on the person I suppose and what they've been through in their past (even though it shouldn't reflect on a new relationship) and also reasons for the break-up.

In my case, no I'm not threatened at all. I understand they will always have a relationship of sorts because of their children together.

Maybe83 · 01/08/2014 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smo2 · 01/08/2014 12:35

I'm the ex....I'm not allowed to text Ex husband, email him...or any kind of contact unless the wife is present! She reads everything, She writes letters for him, turns up at my daughters medical appointments and overrules him on contact....and recently has cut my kids hair....( another story) ...she causes a lot of problems, I think if they weren't together the very difficult contact issues ex and I have, wouldn't exist.

She was the OW, for five years! I went through a difficult patch, but I now find it hilarious ...he doesn't look happy, neither does she...and since mine was her 2nd marriage break up she was involved in...I'm guessing trust is an issue! I absolutely do not want him back! Have a lovely man, who picks his pants up off the floor and flushes the loo, brilliant :)

And don't stalk her...that's wierd! Best plan is to completely ignore her, that's what I do xxx

rosepetalsoup · 01/08/2014 12:57

I do think it's massively affected in the OP's case by the fact that she was the other woman (the new partner/wife, I mean). I think that would make you jealous as if your husband had left his wife for you you'd think that they were essentially happy but for your interventions, so that if you didn't keep up whateveritwas he might go back.

In my situ though my DH left for nobody -- but just to get away from ExW who had been serially out of order. So I know he doesn't like her. At the start I did have some trouble as I couldn't imagine him (lovely him!) with someone unattractive or unpleasant. But it did turn out to be true.

JoanJettPack · 01/08/2014 13:08

I don't feel threatened by dp's ex but I did early on in the relationship because

She left him for om, so I used to think that if that hadn't happened, they'd still be together.
She's younger, prettier and slimmer than me.
She's the mother of his child and if she wanted to play happy families, he'd jump at the chance.

Of course, as I've got to know her and what she's capable of, I've realised that there's nothing to feel threatened by.

purpleroses · 01/08/2014 13:19

I don't feel threatened by DH's ex really. They were divorced before we met. She's still with the man she left DH for. I don't think she has any interest in getting back with DH. I'm not FB friends with her though and our lives are quite separate.

I think my exes DW did feel threatened by me at first just because she was very young, had no experience of step families and ex and I got on well and she probably felt awkward around us all. She seems to have got over it all though now and is pleasant to me.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 01/08/2014 13:22

I find it sad his relationship with his partner is having an effect on the kids lives.

I don't think she is threatened- she is maybe just trying to pretend you don't exist and it's having a negative effect which isn't great.

I don't speak to my dps ex wife. I wish she didn't exist and I hate that some of my life is controlled by decisions she make.

Maybe this is the new wife's issues. You should speak to your ex tell him the kids feel uncomfortable and see if there is anything he can do.

I love my dp and his kids. I'd be gutted if I thought I made them unhappy in any way.

Theoldhag · 01/08/2014 13:24

I do not feel threatened by my fiance's ex wife, she is not liked at all by his family (he had years of abuse from her and she abused his mother), he only deals with her when it is relative with regards to his ds, he has had to put boundaries in place which helps him to manage her narcistic personality.

Why do you not block your ex and his partner on fb?

robotroy · 01/08/2014 14:45

SD told me a while back the reason her mum hates me is that she thought they would get back together. I told my OH, it doesn't bother me on any level at all, she doesn't bother me. On the contrary, I feel sad actually seeing him go from previous love of her and sympathy through disappointment and into despising her as she does selfish and stupid things which hurt their child.

I don't think that's a stepmum thing, I think that's an OW thing. The reason his ex thinks I was the OW (I wasn't) is because SHE was the OW when THEIR relationship started. If you cheat with a man like that how can you ever trust them. This creates a bitter paranoid person and tbh not a strong basis for a relationship. Which is why I would never be someone's OW, I deserve someone's undivided attention.

I agree low self esteem and their relationship isn't as strong as she wishes. I also agree block them both on your facebook. It's hurtful and confusing. I bet you have lots of other lovely people on their who are real friends, stick with those.

robotroy · 01/08/2014 15:00

I had that sort of behaviour Maybe83. My OH was told that I must not be in our home on the weekends SD came to visit once a month (generous contact she 'granted'). Happily a court order solved the problem but its really a complete miracle and an absolute testament to SD's strength of character that she even speaks to me never mind the love she shows me.

I wouldn't want anything to do with a man who didn't want decent contact with his own child or who would leave his child on the say so of some random bit of tail. Doesn't speak much for their empathy and commitment skills does it.

Maybe what a great addition you've been to your family, to work hard to bring them together like that and I'm glad your OH sees the error of his previous behaviour. I've always pushed hard to try to be like that, when OH was ground down mentally by his ex that his child would be 'better off without you' I have worn myself out building him back up but it's been so worth it for the happy child we now all have. Kids need their dad.

Petal02 · 01/08/2014 15:14

I met DH two years after his first wife had left him for another man. I don’t feel threatened by her – I’m a decade younger than she is; she’s had four children and I haven’t. However in the early days I had my suspicions that DH would have considered going back to her, but only because he’d then be a resident parent again. He wouldn’t have been returning because he wanted her, but because he wanted to be with his children.

SisterMcKenzie · 01/08/2014 15:36

Only if she tried to sit me

robotroy · 01/08/2014 16:13

Um yes that's another thing isn't it, who left who. In my family my OH left her, and I know he was deeply in love but she broke his heart. He would never ever go back.

I imagine if a man was told to leave his partner and kids, I can see that there's a risk in his heart he might always feel there could be a chance to go back and that must be very enticing.

I made sure to ask a lot of questions in the early days about why things didn't work out why he thought that was, and they made me feel confident there was no feelings left that they could ever be a joined family again. I can see if you didn't feel this confidence you could have a real problem.

The problem is as well, if you didn't have kids with that man, he could well be RIGHT to try again with his ex. He should give that every chance he possibly could as the chance to have happiness for his kids should come above all else. If a man has chosen to leave then he should have already established that being with mum could never be the happiest environment for his kids as it is beyond repair. If a man doesn't feel this then I think any new partner is going to have a problem. Kids will amplify it too as it's always going to be a part of their heart wishing mum and dad could reconcile (bloody parent trap!!!!).

Alita7 · 01/08/2014 17:11

Op is she doing something bigger than fb stuff that affects the kids relationship with their Dad? From your post it sounds like there's more she's doing.

I don't feel threatened by any of dps exes in a relationship way. Including the one who he doesn't have kids with but was with for a long time and is a now a close friend of us both and dp (and I) spend a lot of time with.

I only feel threatened slightly physically by one ex and I feel another wants to prevent dp and the kids having as close a relationship as he'd like.

Alita7 · 01/08/2014 17:16

Robotoy I'm in two minds about It being right to try again if you have kids.

If it works out (and everyones truly happy) then it's a good thing.

But I think it's a big risk to take, and it should be done very slowly without the children knowing at first because I can imagine it being extremely traumatic for kids if parents are constantly on and off and they're living with the nrp one minute and then they've gone again the next...! And even if it's only going back once and breaking up twice in total, it's still very hard for a child to have their hopes up that they'll get their family life back only to loose it again.

Maybe83 · 01/08/2014 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dogfish22 · 01/08/2014 18:05

Unless I'm meant to feel threatened by an alcoholic hag who is incapable of spending more than 8 hours at a time with her child and who looks 10 years older than she is - No.

Philoslothy · 01/08/2014 18:24

I felt threatened at first, my DH cares for his ex deeply and I think that you have a unique bond with the person with whom you first had children. I resented the time that they had together and the fact that at the beginning of our marriage , life was a compromise and I guess it always will be to some extent.

I have always respected the fact that she is the mother of my husband's first born son and therefore she deserves respect from me and my husband. I have never or would never want to criticise her, she is a much more natural mother than me and probably a nicer persons she has taught me a lot over the years.

captainproton · 01/08/2014 21:30

WanderingAway, I think I understand where you are coming from. Not me personally as I am not the OW, however, my DH left his ex because she was having an affair with OM. OM has always behaved like some macho-I'm-so-loved-up-with-your-ex, and-we're-together-and-you-are-not arse. He always ALWAYS has to be present if DH is doing drop-off or pick-up with his ex. They always have to hold hands. Yet whenever I or anyone else does the drop-off or pick-ups he is never there at all. He never fails to call DSS 'son' in DH's earshot. It's been 5 years, and he's still point-scoring.

My DSS gets tagged in their gushy statuses on FB, and because they do this the statuses appear on our newsfeed. OMG you have never read such drivel. It's all a show, and doesn't bother us one bit, but it just looks pathetic and tbh if I was DSS in about 2 years time I'd want to defriend them so that my friends don't get to read it!

We are married with 2 children, and I think it sunk in this year with the ex that DH really has no interest in her life. All the, 'look our lives are better than yours' stealth boasts that get inserted into texts/emails about DSS are just ignored and have slowly dried up.

Personally I think if you've gone to the trouble of splitting up someone's marriage, and then make the children see one parent EOW you really have to show the world that it was worth it. Plus there must always be that fear that the person you won as a prize in the competition with the married partner, may just run off with the next convenient person to escape with from the drudgery of normal life. I suppose as your partner was once married to the ex partner, they were clearly once in love and attracted to each other, the ex must be the biggest threat? That's my theory anyway.

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