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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Probably an over reaction but it irks me!

30 replies

Tappergirl · 27/07/2014 08:54

Both Step Kids were out most of yesterday, so I had a quick check in their rooms to see if there were any plates, cups etc, which shouldnt be. Whilst in SD's room, I see she has written a TO DO list on the wall, such as prepare for camp (going away), plan B for universities (she is probably not going to get into first choices) and the last was "Make Dad feel special". This made me feel very hurt . Anyone who has read my recent threads knows that I am going through a tough time at present, and I do not get any support from DH. From that comment she has written, it confirms my feeling that I am the Bad Cop in the household, when in fact it is me that needs to be felt special because of the work I do keeping this household together, and the things that I do for the step kids which they probably dont think about at all.

For those who dont know my history, we took the 2 step kids onboard fulltime 1.5 years ago, and I have had major problems adjusting. SD is 19 in January, and SS is 17 in October so not young.

Her written comment is playing on my mind. I wish someone would make me feel special.

OP posts:

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OpiesOldLady · 27/07/2014 09:01

Why don't you take yourself off our for the day and make you feel special? Maybe go and get your hair done or buy yourself a new outfit - something to make you feel good?

Elizabeth120914 · 27/07/2014 09:07

I can totally understand why.. Are you sure it wasn't done to get a reaction..? Not saying that makes it ok but that's a bit of an odd thing for a teenager to write I would imagine..?

Dont know what the answer is as I've said before I don't know how u do it I'd have run from the house screaming months ago..

Can't imagine what it's like having 3 people in your house behaving like you've said in previous threads that sounds like torture ....

Original poster

Tappergirl · 27/07/2014 09:08

I'm out shortly for rehearsals for an event I am in. Been out all last week, and all of next week. I do a lot of Am Dram, singing and dancing. Taking myself off is not an issue. These hobbies make me feel good. It's just the blended family thing that makes me feel pissed off, and step kids' perception that it is their father who does everything to make their life comfortable, when we both have jobs to make it happen!

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/07/2014 09:22

Yes, you can't win. It's unfortunate; but that's how it is. All those 'thank you dad/daddy' when you were the one suggesting and buying/arranging everything.

It is hard enough with one part time - let alone two full time.

You are a fucking saint!

Q - is it all worth it? Would it be better to let them all get on with it and just get on with your own stuff for a bit?

Original poster

Tappergirl · 27/07/2014 09:28

funky well as I said I do get on with it and do my own stuff. I am not moving out but I do leave most of the shopping and cooking now to DH. I detach and get on with being me. I have just had a week of not talking to DH until he decides that he doesn't like it and starts being nice to me again. Broken record, goes round and round every week. Now I just ignore!

OP posts:

thebluehen · 27/07/2014 09:44

Unfortunately I think this is part and parcel of being a step parent. All the shit, none of the reward.

I doubt it's meant personally, it's just they only choose to see what they want to see.

Still hurtful though isn't it?

Original poster

Tappergirl · 27/07/2014 14:47

Elizabeth yes it is a rather odd thing for a teenager to write! I don't usually venture into her pit of a bedroom but I happened to be putting the dishwasher on....not sure whether it was written to provoke a reaction. I wouldn't normally have seen it. She is weird though IMO !

OP posts:

Original poster

Tappergirl · 27/07/2014 14:53

bluehen you are spot on. I am the outsider even though I have been with DH for 10 years and it was our own home before they moved in.

I have just got in from going out at 9.45am and SS has been on his own. He has left dirty plates in the kitchen, rather than empty the dishwasher which finished its cycle long ago. Having heard me just come in he is now emptying it lol!

Probably because he wants to tuck into the baguette I have brought home!

OP posts:

thebluehen · 27/07/2014 16:06

I'd take the positive from that, at least he's emptying the dishwasher!

Teens are really hard work, my one is causing me no end of stress but he's mine and I can see past it. I too struggle with my step teens. It must be v difficult for you.

Alita7 · 27/07/2014 17:11

I understand where you're coming from but maybe she just thinks she needs to make her dad feel more appreciated? Or maybe she wanted her dad to see it for brownie points.

I sometimes want to make a particular parent feel special because they've done nice things for me, but I haven't got step parents so I don't know if I'd be feeling the same about them or if it would occur to me to in the same way. It would depend on the step parents role on my life.

FlossyMoo · 27/07/2014 17:22

Sorry but I don't see anything wrong with what she as written.

How can it be wrong if she wants to make her father feel special?
She has not said because my SM is useless/doesn't make him feel that way. You are reading way to much in to a single sentence.

Your SDC's will never feel about you the same way they feel about their father so you need to get over that.

I am both a DM & SM and frankly I get the shitty end of the stick all round in regards doing the lions share of crap jobs/responsibility yet dad is the amazing one. I just don't become a martyr to it.

I think your anger is very misplaced and you should be dealing with your DH's lack of support and not something your DSD wrote on her wall.

Alita7 · 27/07/2014 18:12

I do agree with Flossy that she hasn't done anything wrong at all, but I can see why you may feel left out.

Re your Dss and the dish washer, that's completely normal teen behaviour - running to do the jobs you've been asked to do when parents get home after getting caught up in other things. I remember doing it myself!

Original poster

Tappergirl · 27/07/2014 18:18

Well Flossy, you seem to be in the minority. I didn't say I was a martyr, only that it hurt me to see it, and usually she doesn't make him feel special, just takes him for granted and as bank of Dad.

I do read too much into it as she is only around to see us arguing, not when we get on as happy adults. Usually she is the cause of any argument as she treats the home like a damn hotel.

DH is weak when it comes to hearing anything I say about his kids so I now clam up and therefore our conversation is becoming stilted and unreal. Just the slightest comment sets him off so I zip my mouth most of thectime, when once we had a lovely happy chatty fun injected relationship.

OP posts:

Alita7 · 27/07/2014 18:22

Maybe Tapper she's aiming to make an effort to change her attitude towards her dad if its that bad. Even if she doesn't do much, at least she's had the thought!

Original poster

Tappergirl · 27/07/2014 18:22

Aliita, SS has spent ALL day in his room. Nobody else about until 3pm when I got home. I have since taken dogs out and he may be dead for all I know, apart from the one stirring to do a chore.

What is it with teens these days?

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FlossyMoo · 27/07/2014 18:31

I have no issue being in a minority OP.

As I said your anger/displeasure/irkedness (not a word, I know) is misplaced towards your SD. Your DH is the one who is failing to respect you and he is the one who has caused the change in your relationship.

Do you have any sort of relationship with your SDC's or do you make it glaringly obvious that their presence in your home is not wanted?
Do you and your husband talk about anything else or does every conversation start with
"SDC's did/didn't do ABCD".
"SDC's are running our relationship/my life"

Sometimes OP it is not what you say but how you say it.
It is difficult for any parent to hear the bad about their children and I am not sticking up for him just trying to see it from a different pov.

If he wants things to change then he will have to start being a parent and respecting you. You all need to sit down and work on being a family. The positives and negatives.

Pasithea · 27/07/2014 18:34

Step mums are the lowest of the low whilst kids are in their teens. I had 4 full time didn't ever stay with their Mother.

We still occasionally argue between us about them and the youngest is in her 30's. They never go away entirely. sorry Op

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 27/07/2014 18:40

tapper why are you still on this merry go round?

I can understand your hurt but it really is dh that it should be aimed at.

I'm with flossy on this one.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 27/07/2014 18:44

Just sat thinking about my ex ds.

We moved in to a new house and I'd decorated his ds room for when he stayed over. New bedding, curtains furniture, painted myself, paid for it out of my own money . Ex did fuck all.

When his ds seen the room he just said "could have done with another coat of paint...' - he was 10.

Was I glad to see the back of that lovely young chap!

Alita7 · 27/07/2014 19:02

I think that a 16/ 17 year old whose just finished his gcses is entitled to spend all day in his room on a Sunday...
What are my plans for when I finish my nursing placement for the summer (it's sort of maternity leave but that doesn't officially start until September) - they're to spend some days keeping the house clean and tidy, some doing things with dp or dsd, some visiting friends and family and at least one a week slobbing out and doing nothing!
I think he should don't more chores but I don't think his behaviour is abnormal if on other days he's socialising for some of the day and he is doing some chores with the expected amount of nagging. Personally I think your feelings are more about your dp and his attitude to you than them. Ie if he'd been making more of an effort to discipline the kids and to make sure you're happy, then some of their behaviours wouldn't be so irritating for you.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/07/2014 19:08

My DSD has spent 6 years only in her room when she is here. Comes down for food and drink only.

Alita7 · 27/07/2014 19:08

Also my dsd is not always outwardly grateful for every thing I do, but it's actually a compliment - she expects me to do it like a parent would - so she accepts me into that role (she'll nag me to do her swimming kit etc :p) i don't expect obvious gratitude for obvious stuff but if I bought her a present and she didn't say thank you then I'd be upset.

Original poster

Tappergirl · 27/07/2014 19:25

Sorry, I will leave this merry go round. It makes me feel worse rather than better.......

OP posts:

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 27/07/2014 19:30

tapper I didn't mean posting on MN. I meant allowing your dh to set the stage in your 'home'

FlossyMoo · 27/07/2014 19:33

Making you feel worse was not the intention OP. Making you look at the situation differently was.

I am sorry you are leaving the thread part of me thinks it is because not everyone has demonised your DSC as you wanted but continuing to blame your DSC for everything will keep you on that merry go round.

Addressing you DH's behaviour is the start to sorting this out.

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